We are one of so many families that lost their house yesterday in the Los Angeles area. We had just moved in. Our entire neighborhood is ash and rubble. We got out just in time with our baby, family, and pets. We lost absolutely everything else.

In a few short hours I need to be a good mom to my toddler, who has no idea what’s going on. We are safe now but I can’t sleep though I’m exhausted. We were so excited to finally give her a beautiful family home to grow up in after so many years of renting. I’m just feeling overwhelming sadness for my baby and our family and our future. And I have to be a good mom to a 2 year old through it, and get back to work, and do what moms do.

Please send us strength fellow moms ❤️

EDIT: Thank you all so much from the bottom of my heart. I haven't been able to respond to every comment but I've been reading them all. Your support and strength is bringing me to tears over and over again. Thank you thank you thank you. From practical advice to commiseration to words of encouragement. You all are so kind.

ETA: I am so appreciative of all of you badass working moms that took the time to respond, commiserate and/or share your story. This is such a great community. I’m wishing a peaceful and easy bedtime routine for everyone tonight, and an uninterrupted nights’ sleep!

___

I’m 37 and a mid-level executive at a finance company, with a 1 and 3-year old. My husband also works full-time, and I will preface this by saying that I feel very grateful that we don’t have an overwhelming amount of financial stress like so many households do.

I’m the prototypical oldest daughter, people-pleasing, high-achieving, high-functioning anxiety millennial that went to college, got a job, built the “right” resume, and now I’m living the life I was always striving for.

But dang, the lack of fulfillment and exhaustion I’m feeling on a daily basis really makes me wonder “what are we all doing this for”? Current events and the state of our country (US) feels like a dumpster fire. I struggle constantly between wanting to spend more time with my children, being exhausted by my children on nights/weekends, and wanting to set an example for my two daughters that their mother is professionally accomplished and financially independent.

I’m constantly trying to be present in my days, but the mental load of it all has me fast-forwarding through so many moments, and then I feel anxious that I’m going to look back on this phase of life with guilt for not enjoying it more. Therapy helps but doesn’t sustain me until my next bi-weekly appointment.

I don’t even what I’m really looking for. Solidarity, a reality check, advice? Thanks Reddit for letting me vent.

I work for the federal government. I work really hard and I consistently get top performance reviews.

Right now, I go into the office 2 days per week and I work from home the other 3. I rotate a full week in the office every 8ish weeks or so.

Now, due to Trump executive orders, I'm probably losing that and I'm so upset.

I've worked 5 days in the office most of my career. It's not that I'm a baby or I'm lazy or that I can't "show up." But my life is significantly easier when I work from home.

I wake up a half hour later. I can start dinner as soon as I'm off the clock. I work out on my lunch break. If my nanny calls out, I only need to call out until my MIL can come and then I can do a half day from home. If I have a doctor's appointment near my office, I only need to stop working 15 minutes before the appointment. I save $500+ per month on childcare.

I get to spend an extra 10+ hours per week with my son instead of sitting on public transportation.

This is my first child and I feel like I'm barely keeping my shit together as it is. We were planning on a second kid and now it feels impossible. The ONE thing that makes my work- life significantly more manageable is going to be taken away. So that I can do the EXACT same work at the EXACT same quality, except do it in a different location and spend 10 less hours with my kid.

My sons daycare had the front door propped open with no one around when I arrived to pick up my son. It’s located in a shopping center at the intersection of two of the busiest streets in my city. There are shoots in my city. Often.

I was very concerned and shaky when I walked in expecting to see the director at her desk, no. No one. I keep walking to the first classroom and see the teacher. I politely but urgently told her “did you know the front door is propped open?” Response was yeah we know we are having groceries delivered. Okay??? But where are the adults?

I keep walking to my sons classroom where I see the director on her phone. I tell her the same thing I told the first teacher. Her response was the same. Their nonchalant attitude made me so mad.

Then I see two teens boys talking to the director about leaving now. I assume they’re working on the delivery. As a teacher, I use my stoic voice and said “gentlemen, next time you deliver please close the door behind you” they respond with a laugh and why would be do that? Do you know how long it takes to open the door?

Working moms and dads. This is when I went into a rant about how I was born and raised in this area and I’m no stranger to hearing about deaths by gun violence daily. It’s not okay. I get the defensive “it’s not big deal chill out” from all the adults. I take my son and leave.

It’s a damn shame I’ll be taking my son into work with me tomorrow bc I can’t trust adults I pay over half my paycheck to simply secure the location my son is in.

Sigh. So how fast would you pull your kid out of this daycare?

Edit: pardon the typos. I’m still seething.

Edit again: for people thinking I’m a loon and scared of guns for no reason, in the last 12 months three people were shot dead in that parking lot. In my city it’s normal to hear about random gunfire at target in the middle of the parking lot at 9:30 on a Tuesday morning. Walmart same crap. Obviously shooters don’t want toddlers dead but we don’t need doors open to that environment. It literally shares a shopping center with gas stations and bowling alleys.

Next day edit: a lot of you asked why would I ever live/enroll in this area. I work across the street from the daycare at the k-8 community school and live 5 minutes away. My husband works 10 minutes away. This is our life, and moving isn’t that easy. We actually just relocated to a much nicer area where we no longer have people shooting in our front yard so one step at a time maybe? Life is funny that way. People kind of have to work with the cards they’re dealt.

Thank you so much for the support I received from people that can empathize and sympathize. It does mean a lot and helped me to not ruminating about this issue. My son was overwhelmed and tired at the end of his day with my 5th graders but we see the light at the end of the tunnel. Summer break ☀️

Just coming here to share the absolutely baffling decision my son's daycare made. They threw a Mother's Day party, on a Thursday, at noon.

I need someone to walk me through the logic here, because I'm missing it. First of all, if my kid is AT daycare, that means I'm AT work. Second, and maybe more importantly... did anyone stop to think about what happens when the party ends and I have to leave? Because my son certainly didn't take that well.

Who is signing off on these decisions??

Around Christmas I became really comfortable with the idea of divorce. And here we are again, another holiday, where I just wish he wasn't around.

I stayed up late stuffing eggs and baskets for Easter. this morning my oldest (5) comes in and taps me at 6:37am. I ask her if she can go lay down in bed or play quietly in her room for a while longer until I get up. I just wanted to lay until 7am. Our dog hears that someone is awake and starts scratching at the door. I missed it. Husband tosses and turns then gets out of bed violently, puts the dog in his crate rather than letting him out. Comes back to bed. It scares my 5 year old so she's crying quietly in her room. Now I just get up.

Because of his commotion, our 2 year old woke up. So everyone is up before 7am. I should have just gotten up. I also wish he wasn't around. I swear he's depressed and I wouldn't be surprised if he was a regretful parent. All he wants from me is sex but I'm so turned off my him. It's been probably a month since we've had intimacy and I'm not missing it whatsoever.

My biggest concern is still him having the kids without me around. I'm also angry that his complacency means I'll be paying him child support. I am breadwinner and the primary parent. And I am so so sad for my kids that they have a dad like this, I genuinely did not expect this.

Today I’m casually talking to someone who is a SAHM about our days when she asks me what I did. Well it’s a Tuesday so I started telling her about my work day - how it went, what I did, just the basics. She then asked me where my daughter was. Again, it’s a Tuesday and I have a full time job so I said she was at daycare. She then felt the need to say “oh you send her everyday! Why don’t you keep her home more often?” I answered with a snippy passive aggressive response. Like do people who don’t work not understand that it’s normal for kids to go to daycare full time while their parents work. I’m so sick of people trying to make me feel bad for sending my daughter to daycare. I’m her mom. I’m raising her. The daycare is my village. I shouldn’t feel guilty for having a job and sending my daughter to daycare. Sometimes I hate non-working moms who try to guilt us into feeling bad for having jobs.

I really wish someone would have explained to me that.

Sometimes when I’m feeling frustrated that partner just gets home and lays on the couch on their phone and then starts telling me it’s time for baby to go to bed when he’s done. I just realize I really made a choice. 🙃🙃🙃🙃

Preface: I love my husband. He’s amazing, the kids love him, he’s sexy, hardworking, and I consider myself pretty lucky.

But, he’s pretty absentminded when it comes to getting the kids ready. The one day I have an early morning training class and it would be more sensible for him to get them to daycare, everything goes wrong. He left the baby gate to our daughter’s room open, which she has 2 pet rats, and we have a dog. The dog got to the rats and well… we no longer have rats. He was also late to work.

He does service work locally, so I told him I’d call him 30 mins before daycare closes so I can get the car seats and pick them up from daycare. He doesn’t answer his phone, so I look up his phone location and drive there. He’s nowhere to be found. He left his phone at the job site, but the car seats are at the office, and husband is who knows where. I go get the car seats and make it to the daycare just before closing.

When I picked the kids up, our 3yo daughter is wearing our 2yo son’s clothes. He didn’t pay the monthly daycare fee that was due today (which I texted him about this morning). And he never changed our son’s diaper this morning so he was absolutely soiled and poopy when he arrived.

Luckily we’ve been using this daycare for a while and they know that I usually do to drop off and pickup, so they were understanding.

It’s so frustrating because as a mom, I feel like if we show up with our daughter’s hair unbrushed and non matching clothes, we get labeled as neglectful and careless. But when dads show up like this, they get praised for doing the bare minimum.

I’m not really looking for advice. I just wanted to rant. I have high standards because my dad wasn’t the typical “dad.” He’s always been just as involved, if not more, than my mom.

I will start it off with the fact that my husband is a great dad to our 8 week old, but he said something to me last night that really struck a nerve. When I told him that we need to start a routine since I am going back to work in two weeks I would like him to get up at 5 or 5;30am to be with our son so I can either workout or go to work early. He falls asleep on the couch at 8-9pm every night and gets a solid 9-10 hrs of sleep. Where I get maybe 6 hours on a good night.

His first concern was that he loses an hour of sleep and responded with "you don't need as much sleep as I do..." To him I said "I didn't get the choice and had to suck it up and go on about my day."

He had to go back to work after one week of our son being born and I had 10 weeks of paid leave, so I didn't mind taking on 90% of the newborn role.... including the night feedings, cleaning the house daily, grocery shopping, and cooking homemade meals every night. But now that I have to go back to my career job, I expect him to sacrifice himself a bit so I can resume my life too. It wasn't a fight that we had, but I told him to really consider how I feel and we will talk about it tomorrow.

I have a feeling that I made this newborn phase way too easy for him and now it is time for a reality check. Anyone else feel the same? How did your relationship/schedule change when you went back to work?

I’m 41. VP at a household name F200 company. My boss is a 58M with grandkids. He blinks with a smile as I talk about how my oldest kid (4M) is needy at bedtime, and I wake up with my 2yo who hollers for me at 5:15am. I talk like he will know what I’m talking about. Clearly he doesn’t. I talk about the same morning to a direct report, 49M whose kids are 20yo and below. He does the same thing. Blinks and smiles. No idea what I’m saying.

Holler at all my working mom goddesses. You’re doing gods work. Lots of love.

I am SO sick of hearing SAHM moms talking about how they didn’t want someone else raising their child so they stay at home. As a working mom, I am 100% still raising my child. This is just so annoying to me. Do SAHMs think working moms are not raising their children????!!!!!!

Today is the day and I am so over Halloween. There are just entirely too many things. We’ve had 2 trunk or treats at my daughter’s schools, a town parade (which is cute so I don’t hate it), Halloween parties at school, and the school parades. When I was a kid we just had a little party with snacks at school and trick or treated at night. That was it! I’ve had so many reminders in my phone to sign up for certain things, bring certain things to school, explain to my kids why we are not decorating a trunk this year (lol last year was a disaster and I’m scarred). Today they are in two schools and have Halloween parades at the worst possible times. I hate making this whole to-do to get to the school, watch for maybe 5 minutes, and then head home.

Maybe I’m a Halloween grinch but I just really want us to collectively pull back on some of these things

I seriously do not believe my parents had this much admin. If they did, it had to be “different.” I seriously wonder if things becoming digitized made this all more insane? It’s like the constant availability of parents means the information flow never ceases.

The amount of appointments, documents, school visits, and paperwork feels psychotic. I applied for schools for my son, minimum seven forms each. This is in addition to working a lot, being pregnant, trying to keep the house together.

My husband helps and owns parts of this, but we both had an absolute meltdown yesterday because we needed a specific form from years ago from a portal that hasn’t worked in weeks. Just why?

I want one monthly calendar from nursery. I want clear instruction sheets that do not require any additional online sign ups.

I am one more information dump away from becoming a supervillain.

I just sent this message to my husband at 4:12 AM this morning because I am so sick of weaponized incompetence.

Text Below:

-I've been awake all night for the second time in one week with (toddler)

-I ordered my Mother's Day gift because it was the last day for guaranteed shipping

-I put money on (older child's) lunch account because she was out of money

• Ifyou want the house to be clean you need to help me go through all the shit in here and declutter

-the dogs room needs to be cleaned. I've cleaned and mopped it the last 20+ times -I work too.

-I make sure (older child) has what she needs for school. Every week. I read the e-mails. All the emails. I make sure she has what she needs when.

• I feel like you only want to focus on the chores you find fun and have an interest in like the lawn or the garage.
  

-I am tired of you making me feel guilty when I bring it up that you haven't read an email or don't know what's going on. You gaslight me into thinking I am being a bitch for bringing it up. No I am highlighting that you can not focus on dealing with the additional burden because I deal with it.

-I give you credit for getting up with (older child) 50/50.

I genuinely feel like I pulled at least 50% of the house work while you were working part time. And now that you're back at work I get 80% and all the emotional and mental labor. It's making me feel resentful. And I will honestly be livid if you try to turn this around and make me feel crazy for acknowledging this.

Ordering my own Mother's Day gift so it would be here in time is also a slap in the face.

I deserve to have a partner and who doesn't expect me to just "handle it".

I don't want to model this for (children) so you let me know what we need to do to change things. I have no intention of leaving, but I also have no intention of continuing to just absorb anything you don't want to do.

How I know this is going to go

"I'll try to do better"

How it'll actually go

He will make an effort for possibly 5 business days.

But I'm not putting up with it this time. It's going to be different.

Advice to people considering becoming mothers. Do not have children if you’re not prepared to do the heavy lifting. Spouses will say and truly believe they are your co-pilot. However, nothing will get done for the child unless you do it or ask your partner to do one specific thing. But don’t ask them for too much they’ll be busy. Obviously this will not be a relatable post for all mothers… but I know a few might understand. I could go on but my bathroom break is over. Thanks for reading my post and letting me vent. Back to mothering.

It's really frustrating. I've been pulling 14 hour days this week and haven't been home that much. My mom has been helping pick up my kid from school. Anyway, my kid hasn't bathed in 3 days because my husband wasn't specifically told by me that she needs a bath. I asked him this morning if she took a bath last night, and he said "no, because you didn't say she needed to." Yeah, well I got home at 10:30 pm last night.

I also work full time, been pulling really long hours plus I had to do our IRS taxes this week, not to mention a bunch of other stuff that's going on. I also manage our finances/investments, pay our bills, take out the trash, etc. and now I have to tell him that our kid needs a bath?

Why are men so incompetent? It's so irritating.

And I have to get her dressed every morning and prep her lunch. This morning he tried to find her clothes on top of the dryer "I don't know how to look for the clothes, are the clothes there?" By the way, the clothes were right there.

Is this what happens when men are coddled as children? They become completely incompetent and lazy? The only thing he's managing is his job (I think), and that's about it. But women have to work full time and do literally everything else, including finances, investments, IRS tax filings, coordinate with maintenance people, physical labor in the garden, take out garbage cans, order food delivery/groceries, take cars to get maintenance, book medical appointments, etc.

I was considering giong back to a higher paying, more intense job (btw, I used out outearn him 4X), but now I'm not even sure I can do that because then literally nothing else would get done.

I am pretty middle of the road for politics so I don’t pay much attention to the hoopla so I did not expect to be as affected by Kamala Harris most likely being on the ballot this fall. I had a crap day and none of it mattered when I saw this. My day turned around so quickly.

For all the BS we put up with the to see one of us make it onto the presidential ballot as the headliner - not the supporting role is pretty exciting.

As I'm sure most of you can relate, I’m the default parent. The project manager of our household. The keeper of every appointment, school form, seasonal wardrobe change, meal plan, birthday RSVP, and doctor’s visit. And I’m tired.

For two years—TWO YEARS—the pediatrician would ask at each well check if the kids had been to the dentist yet. And every time, I’d say, “We’re working on getting it scheduled.” Truthfully, I had asked my husband to take that on. I do everything else. I just needed him to handle this one thing.

Of course, it never happened. So about 9 months ago, I caved. I researched providers, found one, took time off work, and got both kids in for their first dentist appointments. Great! Except now our insurance changed, and that dentist is no longer in-network.

So I told him: “I’ve lost trust in your ability to follow through on this. I need you to handle finding a new provider and scheduling an appointment.”

To his credit, he actually did it. But guess when he scheduled it? During a mandatory meeting I cannot miss at work. So I said, “Good luck. You’ll have to take them yourself.”

Fast-forward to this morning. He has already:

Called me twice Texted me three times Asked for the pediatrician’s name (?!) Asked when their last appointment was (??!!) Sir. You were there. Every. Single. Time.

And now? He’s texting me that he “F’ed up my work schedule,” and “the executive director is looking for me!,” and “the kids are hysterical” and “I'm sweating and having a bad time.”

I have zero sympathy.

I told him my work schedule multiple times. He could’ve picked a time when we both could go, but that would require actually listening and remembering what I say about my job. And not assuming I’ll just step in to fix it when it gets hard. I handle this type of chaos regularly. Alone. Quietly. While working full-time.

I do love this man, truly. But the weaponized incompetence is next-level. I hope, for everyone’s sake, he actually learns something from this.

End rant.

So after my partner has been in a weird mood lately I finally was able to pry out of him what’s going on and apparently it’s my “health”. He says my weight is a concern and I should be going to the gym 5 days a week. I currently do CrossFit 2 days a week play in a women’s basketball league 1 night a week and then walk or hike on the other days schedule permitting. I consider myself the primary breadwinner so my work schedule does technically have to come first, I carry the health insurance, bought our house, fund the retirement accounts. He contributes to the household with his business shared bills, pays half the mortgage but I manage all the payments. I really just can’t fathom going to the gym to lift 5 days a week after commuting to and from work. He claims he’ll take all the responsibilities of our daughter while I do it but I’m sad to miss out on precious time with her as well. I am feeling defeated but also feel like my large contributions to the household are being diminished by the fact that I can’t maintain a gym schedule as stringent as before we had our child. I will say I am 30 now and 200lbs 5’6 so I’m not in great shape. I know I’m making excuses but I just need advice on how to manage unrealistic expectations. I feel like I just can’t have it all.

I have 3 kids: 8f, 4m, and 23months M. The older two are in public school and preschool, and the youngest is in daycare for another year. Daycare is hands down the best for working moms: 1) no "packing for the day"and keeping a calendar of what to bring on what day. You bring in a bag of spare clothes, sunscreen, bug spray, hats, whatever, all at once and they store it for you and use as needed. You don't need to slather your kid in sunscreen for summer camp or pack the swimsuit and towel every third Tuesday or the ballet leotard every other Thursday. They just do it. 2) Food: our daycare handles all meals and snacks. The best. No packing lunch every goddamn night. No cleaning grimy lunch boxes. No power struggles over what goes in the lunchbox. Somehow the staff get the kids to eat all the food they offer-including vegetables-because they are wizards. 3) No middle-of-the-day events! My god, this is the motherlode. No leaving work for an 11:30am poetry reading where your second grader says the word "fly" two minutes in and you're there for an hour but you've missed the entire day of work. 4) no relentless requests to volunteer for committees or chaperone a field trip that takes all day or work the concessions stand on a Tuesday for spring carnival or whatever. 5) no random holidays off that you don't get off from work, and you have to pay $200 for a one-day camp that starts at 9:30. 6) no summer break where you spend $8k on a camp that also makes you pack lunch, slather on their sunscreen, show up for middle-of-the-day events, and pack a leotard every second Thursday.

Daycare for the working moms win, every time 🏅

Disclaimer- of course, I appreciate our public school and how our teachers work their asses off, and I understand 100% why a public school can't run like a daycare. I also volunteer for stuff and help out in the classroom when I can. But there are just so many moments where my partner and I turn to each other with a sigh of relief that we have one more year of daycare to savor.

This sub is getting inundated by posts and comments that have nothing to do with being a working mom. Example from today, all in the same post: “I don’t work, but….” “I don’t have kids, but…” “My wife….” I get that the algorithm shows stuff that doesn’t always apply to you, but you can change your settings. Please help us keep this a relevant space and don’t make us scroll endlessly to find the working mom POV this sub is intended for. See rule #5.

I’m reeling from this situation and need a place to vent. I’ll try to keep it short but with some backstory.

Mid-2024, I started a new job that was very stressful. I also had a newborn under 12 months. My partner started a new job in January and was traveling almost weekly for work, Mon-Wed/Thu, leaving me to balance work and tending to our baby in the mornings & evenings. All of my family is halfway across the country. I don’t exactly have a village here.

I was struggling. Badly. Long story short, think it was PPA. Finally got help. I’m much better now.

The peak of all of this, when some days I could barely make it through the day and felt a horrible sense of dread, was in Oct-Nov.

I just found out that while my partner told me he traveled to a US city for work one week in November, in actuality he took a solo trip to Mexico. Mon-Thu. He lied about it to me multiple times, both then and now after I confronted him, until finally admitting to it. Saying he “needed to get away from me” and that he “knew I’d be mad so kept it a secret”.

Like dude, I was STRUGGLING SO HARD. Alone. And I had a huge project due that week at work so had to work all day, care for kiddo, put her to bed and get back online at night. While battling PPA.

Just, what a fucking selfish move. I am disgusted and disappointed, and considering next steps.

Sometimes – all it takes is shrimp tacos to find the clarity you had been seeking for years.

It’s a typical weeknight in our home. I’m sore (literally) from the energy it took to steady the ship the four days prior. His family was in town. And while the weekend should have been about making beautiful memories with family – it was more of the usual. A high conflict, high turmoil situation where I pulled from the deepest depths of my soul to conjure the patience to appease his demands, his tantrums, his mood swings. What struck me the most about this particular weekend was that I realized that I wasn’t alone in my pain. I had always been met with a hostile shortness from him when he didn’t feel understood. For a while – I thought something was wrong with me. I thought I was too naggy, too emotional, and had too many needs. But then I saw it play out in real life in front of me – I saw him treat his mother with the same hostile indifference I had been experiencing when things didn’t go his way. And I sat in disbelief thinking – if he can’t even communicate respectfully with his own mother, what hope do I have? The woman who has stood by him when he was in the darkest of places. When he was a literal pariah to society. She never gave up on him, her support and her love unwavering. But not even she was deserving of his respect. That moment, waiting in the drive-thru, was when I realized that his issues were way above my paygrade.

So – in my attempt to recover, normalize, and stabilize from the tumultuous weekend – I tried to show my love in the best way I knew how. By cooking him a home cooked meal. Spicy cajun shrimp tacos with a sweet mango salsa. I love to be in the kitchen. It’s how I show love. It’s how I show you I care about you. Sick? I’ll make caldo. Promotion? Let’s make lasagna from scratch. Girl’s night? Let’s make red wine braised short ribs with a garlic mash.

Over the past few months, he became increasingly detached during our weeknight dinners. As soon as he got home, straight to the PS5. While our daughter prodded around, yelling for attention – his time was not devoted to reading her books, playing with her, going for walks but strictly on the PS5. While I got everything ready in the kitchen, while I made him homecooked meals night after night, his undivided attention was on his PS5 and his game. Nothing could tear his eyes away. God forbid I ask him to change a diaper. Or empty the trash. Or help with something for the dinner. If I ever asked those things, I was met with hostility. I was humiliated and made fun of to the others on the game. I was met with a half-assed attempt to complete whatever it was I needed. Not a single time was I met with – ‘how can I help?’ or ‘what do you need?’ And forget about eating together as a family. ‘Dinner’s almost ready’ was met with an eyeroll and a pissed off ‘OKAY BABE’ as if it was an inconvenience. And after dinner, it was right back to the game. With a kitchen sink full of dishes, a floor full of food that our toddler threw down. I was left with the task of cleaning everything and packing the leftovers to make sure he had lunch the next day. And if I ever asked for help or expressed my disappointment at his lack of investment – I was called lazy. I was actually told ‘I CANT BELIEVE YOU ARE STILL SO LAZY. YOU HAVE A DISHWASHER NOW.’ And he was right, I did have a dishwasher now. I felt so underwater that I harassed my dad for weeks to install a dishwasher so that I could at least have that to help me. We even decided to switch seats on the dinner table because the messy kitchen was my fault because I didn’t know how to feed our daughter and it was my fault that she threw food on the floor. As if there’s no plausible reason why a developing toddler would throw her food on the floor. /s

We talked about it. I shared my feelings. He shut down and scrolled on TikTok. He blew up other times. He told me - wait until I'm done with this game and then we'll talk about it. I suggested counseling. I found therapists. I even emailed them and requested their availability. But of course, he doesn’t need counseling. Of course, it’s my problem and I should go alone so I can fix myself. I even tried not cooking for him. Letting him fend for himself. But my problem with that approach is that it didn’t move us forward as a family. It was simply a way to detach and avoid the problem altogether rather than strengthening our relationship and finding a solution. He promised that he understood my frustration. One time, he even offered to help clean after dinner was done. I thought we had figured it out. Why should a family break apart because of some dang DISHES I thought. What a silly problem.

So today – 03/18/2024 – I get home after a stressful day back at work after the two days off that I took to spend with his family. I woke up at 5:30am to commute into LA – I rushed home at 4pm to be at daycare pickup by 5pm, I took the ExpressLanes which cost an arm and a leg (I was still late). I bought groceries the day before and planned all our meals for the week. I picked up our baby, went straight home, and got to cooking. He was home before me. He helped me unload the car and after that - straight to the PS5. Business per usual. I took about 30-40 minutes to get the food on the plate. I give a warning call – ‘food is almost done.’ Eye roll. I give another warning call – ‘food is ready.’ I’m met with a hostile ‘OKAY BABE.’

I set the table and serve our food. I sit down. And we (myself and our daughter) begin to have our dinner. Shrimp tacos. He’s still playing his game. He comes over, takes one bite. Says ‘oh my god this is delicious.’ And returns to his game. By the time he makes his way over to actually eat his meal – we are done eating. He comes over but he won’t take off his headphones because he’s still in a game. I tell him that I’m disappointed. Because he did the same thing the Wednesday before his family visited. I let it slide one time but we are back to the old behavior again. He rolls his eyes, deflects my concerns with hostility, and goes back to his game. But wait! Before doing so - he does help. He moves my plate and his plate from the table to the counter. He doesn’t wash it or load it in the dishwasher but he moves it to the counter. Lucky me I guess?

At this point, I am raging. But I am somehow not surprised. I tell him how pissed off I am that – yet again – he continues to be absent, detached, and unhelpful at the expense of his family. He laughs it off, makes a joke with his PS5 buddies, and they all laugh. I feel humiliated. And that was the moment – the moment I knew that I could no longer stay in this relationship. I could no longer allow myself to be disrespected like this day in and day out. I thought - he’s not going to go grocery shopping. He doesn’t know what to buy, I guess. He’s not going to make dinner. Because our kitchen doesn’t feel like home to him (his words). He’s also not going to help make dinner because his game matters a lot more to him. He’s not going to help clean up after either. But at the very least – he will eat the dinner you made for him with you so you can eat together as a family. And when you ask him to do this – he will roll his eyes, become hostile, and humiliate you to his friends and family. So no – not that either.

I’m fuming but I get myself together. I clean the kitchen. I pick up my daughter and we go for a walk around the neighborhood. We look at the moon. She points to the dogs we see on our walk. And she goes ‘wau wau’, mimicking the dog’s bark. We pick a beautiful purple flower. We look into the pink and purple sky. I cry my eyes out on that walk. I think about how crazy I must look to our neighbors. But I remind myself that even if he can’t (or won’t) show up for your little family, that I have everything I need. And even if it doesn’t make sense right now – I will look back, I will remember those shrimp tacos, and I will smile because they opened my eyes to the miracle I hold daily.

"Sometimes when I need a miracle, I look into my daughter’s eyes, and realize I've already created one."

I am sleeping in a separate room, going back to therapy, and am filing for divorce.

Just a vent - yes, I am an overwhelmed new mom in USA, and appalled at this week long saga we have to participate in, remembering to bring things every morning. Making moms run around for week and Sunday is Mother’s Day. My husband will take us out for dinner, but that’s not the same or enough!