Daycare vs. nanny while WFH

[u/Cautious_Optimist_]

Perspective needed. My husband and I both WFH. We’re trying to quickly decide on childcare for our first little one who will be 3 months old when we need care to start. We were originally set on finding a nanny to watch our son until he is mobile and verbal, but have pivoted to strongly considering daycare. The high cost of a nanny in our area (at least $750/month more than daycare that could be put towards a 529 or other investment account for our son to use down the road) and the thought of him crying throughout the day in the next room while we work are reasons for the pivot. Both of our jobs can be high stress with days filled with constant meetings and I already struggle hearing him cry in the next room with my husband when I’m not working - having him away from the house so we can focus on work seems more manageable. At the same time, I don’t like the idea of our 3 month old going to daycare with a 5:1 teacher infant ratio and the increased risk of him getting sick, plus some workdays are slower where I love the thought of being able to spend some extra minutes with our little one in between meetings/work tasks. My husband supports whatever I’m comfortable with doing to make sure I don’t have regrets later on. I keep going back and forth on what the right thing to do is, but need to make a decision in the next few weeks. Any perspective on other experiences with this would be very appreciated!

[u/bananas82017]

Daycare for sure. I don’t know anyone who has been happy long term with a nanny. I’m sure awesome nannies are around but most families struggle to find one since the good ones stay with families for so long.

[u/strawberrysunday00 → u/bananas82017]

+1. Had a nanny with my first, will opt for daycare with my next. We’re fortunate to be at a great daycare with almost no turnover, though. My daughter’s teacher has been there for 17 years!

[u/Every_Tangerine_5412 → u/bananas82017]

I think the issue more is that many new nanny employers honestly don’t take the time to learn how/what to do when hiring a nanny, and end up making lots of mistakes.

They often do not recruit or vet candidates properly. They think care.com is a professional nanny resource (instead of it being Craigslist for nannies), they don’t call references, they don’t do a trial, they don’t interview enough people. Properly hiring, interviewing, vetting, and trialing a nanny should take weeks, if not months, and can cost thousands and thousands of dollars.

They often do not offer competitive pay packages or industry compensation norms (like guaranteed hours, PTO, sick pay, contracted ongoing set hours). They don’t consider that this is someone’s professional career, and that they are taking on the responsibility of paying someone’s entire living wage salary. Many people still think nannies make like $10-15/hour, when the reality is that professional, full-time nannies make $50-100k+/year.

They don’t look into legalities (like overtime pay, payroll, the FLSA, state household employment and other employment laws, worker’s comp).

They don’t look into standard nanny duties (like expecting housekeeping when nannies do child related household chores only).

They have unreasonable expectations, like that nannies must be cleaning during naptime (that’s their downtime/break time); that nannies never call out sick or have doctor appointments (you must have a backup care plan); that nannies will follow a tight daily schedule with no deviations (they’re their with the child, and must have flexibility to adapt to the child’s needs that day); that they will be happy staying inside all day (nannies take kids for outings and walks); that the parents can just pop in and out all day (frequent hellos and goodbyes is very hard on kids, and disrupts the nanny/child bond and their day/schedule); that nannies will serve as 24/7 entertainment for their child (they guide activities and foster different types of play, including independent play. They’re not a paid friend/playmate).

They forget or don’t research other nanny norms and costs, like that nannies usually have open kitchen access (with many employers buying specific food/drinks/snacks to keep on hand for them); annual bonuses and cost of living adjustments/raises; how money for outings/expenses/mileage work when the kids are past infant stage; how they have to pay half of the employment taxes, pay for a payroll company, should pay to have a lawyer versed in household employment law review the contract.

The number of nanny employers on the nanny employer board (so people who should know what they’re doing) who don’t even understand that the employer maintains legal liability for the nanny when they’re on the clock boggles my mind. If your nanny gets into a car accident driving for work purposes, for example, the nanny employer is liable, even if it was the nanny’s fault. If the nanny gets injured on the clock, the nanny family is liable for all medical and lost wage expenses. If the nanny damages property, the employer is liable.

Hiring a nanny is pretty unique in that the nanny often has more experience both in the nanny industry and with children care giving than the parents do. While the parent might be the expert of that child, the nanny/employee is the expert in the industry/field. There is an hierarchical mismatch, and many parents do not like giving up control or placing enough trust in this person to do their job.

And they often go into this arrangement thinking that it is a casual setup, not a legal employment situation that comes with all kinds of serious responsibilities. It requires a knowledge of employment laws, nanny industry norms, and just managerial time and energy that few new nanny employers really ever take the time to understand.

So while yes, there are bad nannies, the issue with many people not being happy with their nanny comes down to going into this arrangement without understanding what they’re going into.

[u/charliefry2012 → u/bananas82017]

I guess we’re the exception! We are 3 years in with our nanny and it’s been wonderful.

I really like having them home when they’re babies. We transitioned our daughter to a part time preschool when she was 15 months old. She got the best of both worlds. Plenty of socialization but also still mostly at home. It’s expensive to have part time school + full time nanny, so we’re privileged to be able to afford it.

[u/Cultural_Artist2124 → u/charliefry2012]

You're not alone! We are much happier parents having a nanny than our friends who do the daycare schlep with their babies.

[u/totoro_457 → u/bananas82017]

Yeah I was initially more interested in the nanny route and one thing that changed my mind was that every single person I knew that got a nanny had to change nannies at least once, even twice. Often to one they did not like as much as their initial nanny.