A break from chores too much to ask?

[u/Unlucky-Web-5932]

My husband thinks since I stay home I have nothing but time. When in reality if I’m not tending to the kids I’m cleaning. It’s really wild how much the same things need cleaning multiple times a day. I guess what I am wondering is how to you stay sane/civil with your spouses who think going to work is all they need to do?

[u/Friendlyfoxreader]

Start texting him throughout the day every task you complete as time stamps. Make it extra and send a picture when the kitchen is clean and how messy it is again by the next meal time. Even something as simple as filling my toddlers water back up can interrupt me long enough that I get off track and something else now needs immediate attention. It’s just non stop and as soon as you deal with one mess another 2 are being made.

[u/Oneconfusedmama]

You sit him down and have a serious conversation with him that you’re not a maid or a nanny, you’re a wife and a mom. Has he always been like this? Or just since you started staying home? Did you both agree to you staying home or was this just your decision?

[u/Ruffleafewfeathers]

Okay, so I see two separate issues here, him making comments devaluing your work and him not pitching in as much as you feel is fair.

For the first issue, have you had a heart to heart with him and told him how his comments make you feel? And I mean talking to him as your sweetheart and life partner—not ripping into him with anger and resentment. Saying something along the lines of “hey baby, can you spare a few moments to chat? (When he says yes, continue on with) I wanted to start out by saying that I really appreciate how hard you work for our family and that your hard work allows me to stay with our children to raise them. I hope you know how much I value you and how grateful I am that you’ve given me the opportunity to be at home. I just wanted to bring to your attention something I’m not sure if you’re aware of—recently you’ve made a few comments like (repeat his comments) and they hurt my feelings and made me feel like maybe you don’t value what I do at home very much or that you think that it’s without difficulty. I was hoping you could maybe clarify what you meant when you said those things, because I know you wouldn’t ever intentionally try to make me feel badly or feel like what I do doesn’t matter to you.”

You are far more likely to receive his admiration and praise by being sweet and coming to him with vulnerability than you are by reacting with aggression and defensiveness—the former allows him to open up to you as his cherished wife and the latter will have him gearing up for a fight.

Okay, and as for the second issue, this might sound silly but I promise you it works—praise him for any housework he does, no matter how small. I know you’re probably thinking “why should I praise him for doing the bare minimum?” but that’s a counterproductive mindset. Humans are animals, and they respond to positive reinforcement. If you want to see more of a behavior, reward it with praise—if you want to see less of a behavior ignore it or be critical of it. It really is that simple.

I’m sure at some point someone gave you a random compliment on something you wore or something you did and you felt really good about it and repeated the outfit/behavior—no one is immune. So think hard about whether you want him to change his behavior or if you just want to go off on him—because 9/10, those are two different things.

[u/storing_up_knowledge → u/Ruffleafewfeathers]

This!!! So much advice is just "well he's a crappy husband, stop doing things and see how he likes it." There's a reason you guys got married in the first place and had kids. Give him the benefit of the doubt that he's not intentionally trying to piss you off.

I cook 95% of the meals- my husband thanks me every night for making dinner. Heck, he thanks me when I reheat leftovers for lunch on the weekend. I thank him when he does "his" jobs like taking out the trash or following through on a request I make.

A genuine conversation (not lecture) and gratitude go a long way in marriage.

[u/Dr_mombie → u/Ruffleafewfeathers]

I think it is important to state that you want both partners to be intentional about the attitude of gratitude thing. If it only goes one way, it is useless to implement.

But OP, as a former SAHM, is also OK to lay down your own boundaries like, "You live here too. You make messes here too. You are also responsible for maintaining the state of the house you live in. I stay home to care for the kids, as their mother and your partner. I do not stay home to act as your house slave. Therefore it is unacceptable for you to bitch at me for the house not being up to your standards of cleanliness/tidiness when you are unwilling to clean messes that bother you in the house that you live in as a fully able bodied adult."

[u/Ruffleafewfeathers → u/Dr_mombie]

Okay, yes, you want both partners to love and respect one another, but by coming out the gates combatively you essentially guarantee a fight that is more likely to cause your partner to withdraw than it is to actually get them to enact change. Also, boundaries are the lines you draw that require nothing of the other person. For example, “If you leave your socks on the floor, I will not be picking them up.” They’re you telling the other person what you will do or not do based on their behavior. What you’re describing in your comment is a combination of complaining and talking down to your spouse, which is indicative of contempt—the best predictor of divorce according to the John Gottman institute.

If OP wants a chance to turn this around, my suggested tactics (healthy communication and positive reinforcement of desired behaviors) are far more likely to produce change while also increasing intimacy. And while I understand it’s tempting to not want to be the first to show admiration when you feel like you aren’t receiving it—by withholding affection and admiration from one another, you’re just creating a positive regard armistice out of pride. Someone has to be the one to start the healing, and the fastest way to get what she wants is to be the one to make the first move and create a positivity spiral.

[u/Dr_mombie → u/Ruffleafewfeathers]

I'll be sure to let my husband know we are probably going to divorce over that one fight we had a decade ago 😆

[u/Ruffleafewfeathers → u/Dr_mombie]

Having one fight isn’t an issue—people make mistakes and have disagreements. Holding contempt for your partner is the predictor of divorce—I never said anything about not ever arguing. That said, why go into a conversation looking for a fight when you could instead inspire change without damaging the relationship? Why would we go in assuming the best way to handle a disagreement and desire for change is through starting a fight and belittling her partner? Why assume his inaction is an act of malice rather than a misunderstanding or miscommunication?

The attitude of “well I won’t start healing our relationship because HE is the problem, not me” is at best counterproductive (and almost certainly untrue, as it takes two to tango) and at worst, might kill an otherwise good marriage that could have been saved by kindness and the belief that the man who pledged to love her till death do they part might not be intentionally hurting the love of his life. In addition, if she chose to marry him, then presumably he has some good qualities, no? So why assume the worst before suggesting respectful communication?

[u/layne313]

Taking care of the kids/chores is a full time job just as much as the parent going to there 9-5.

I’m a FTM with a six month old.. I’m lucky if I get one load or laundry or dishes done when I’m alone. When we’re both home everything is 50/50. I’ll ask him, do you wanna do (ex:dishes, dinner, laundry) or watch the baby? Or he’ll ask me the same. Yesterday he made her purées while watching her and I vacuumed.

Does your husband help with the chores when he’s home? Does he watch the kids alone while for a few hours to get a sense of what things are like for you?