r/stayathomemoms • u/audreymarie90 • Apr 03 '26
Question Bank Account
Here’s a poll: How many of you stay at home moms/wives/significant others have your name on a bank account or a card with your name? Curious….👀
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u/mothermonarch Apr 03 '26
If he’s not allowing you to have your own account or card you’re being financially abused. A common tactic used by abusers to prevent you from being able to function or live without them
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u/audreymarie90 Apr 03 '26
I’ve made this claim to him and he says that I basically can get anything I need. I do Walmart deliveries whenever I need to and his card is on file. And I can do tap pay with the Apple Pay. He thinks I’m wanting it just because it’s an out in case I leave him. I tell him it would just be normal for people who live together with children to both have names on the account. Just seems kinda unfair but I wanted to see if maybe I’m being dramatic.
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u/mothermonarch Apr 03 '26
That just shows that it genuinely is being used to keep you attached to him. I’m so sorry, OP.
Create your own account, he doesn’t need to know! Starting the process even if you don’t have a stream of income will be empowering for you
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u/runsontrash Apr 03 '26
He’s admitting he’s using finances to control/manipulate you.
This is financial abuse.
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u/iamgladtohearit Apr 03 '26
I have a credit card from his account with my name as well as my own credit card, and my husband also transferrs personal money to me each month to put into my own independent account that doesn't have his name on it. It is for personal spending that isn't family related (like getting my own hair cut) and things I don't want to to see (things like gifts for him on holidays). It is also so that if something were to happen where he was locked from accounts I wouldn't ever have to worry about having a few days of having no access of any money for things like food, and it is also so that I have a small safety net in case something were to happen and I would need to leave him. Not because I have any intention to ever leave him, he's a great man and a good partner, but things happen and people change and if you are in a position as incredibly vulnerable as a stay at home parent you should really have some kind of safeguard for you and your children. Good people get sucked into addictions or are changed by external forces. it's not common but you should be able to survive if you need to. My husband is aware that this is one of the reasons I choose to keep private money and he is fine with it, and he once said that at least he knows I'm not staying with him because I feel stuck. Which is essentialy the opposite of the message you're getting from your husband. I have a small circle of stay at home moms I am friends with and while we all structure differently, all of us have direct access to money.
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u/mintinthebox Apr 03 '26
We all do. You will find a few that don’t, but it definitely is not the norm.
If he isn’t allowing you complete access to finances, he is financially controlling you and possibly financially abusing you. It’s not ok.
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u/8K12 Apr 03 '26
Joint here. I don’t see an honest reason to refuse a joint account if you requested it.
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u/DubiouslyDestiny Apr 03 '26
Me 🙌🏻 We keep our finances completely transparent and I’m on everything. I do our taxes and manage almost all of the bills, too.
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u/Competitive-Fig8934 Apr 03 '26
Me. I am a joint holder in all our bank and investments accounts, and I have checking accounts/credit cards that are completely my own as well.
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u/runsontrash Apr 03 '26
Same. We have one joint account (where all our money goes nowadays), and then we each have our own accounts/credit cards from when we were both working pre-marriage/kids. Whatever money we made pre-marriage is in our own accounts. We started sharing money once married, and that’s the money we use now.
But I love that we each have our own pool of money separate in case anything happened (divorce, death, addition/mental health issues, fraud, whatever).
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u/Competitive-Fig8934 Apr 04 '26
Yes, these are such important reasons to have full access/equal control! It can be vulnerable to be a stay at home mom, but it doesn’t need to be because of not having access to funds.
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u/Long-Positive-3066 Apr 03 '26
My husband hasn't paid for things in years he makes the money I spend it keeping the house running... I have things set up to where if anything happens to me he just needs my phone or laptop to get into everything each has a file that lists bills when they are due how much they typically are and the log in to pay them I also have a file with our typical grocery lists and at what amount I restock things so that things dont run out. There's also one of all medications everyone takes and when and a basic schedule for activities as well... basically a hey your wife isnt capable of running the house list
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u/rainbowmo0 Apr 03 '26
Anytime my husband opens anything, credit debit etc he always gets me a card with my name.
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u/oldfashionpartytime Apr 03 '26
We have a joint checking account but I have credit cards in my name. I take care of all the finances though.
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u/secretsandplay Apr 03 '26
Joint bank account. I’m an authorized user on his credit card. Our house is in my name. I make sure all the bills get paid. I make the investments happen (into things we discuss). He does the taxes.
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u/brunette_mama Apr 03 '26
I have my name on a joint checking and savings account, the house and both vehicles. I also have a credit card just in my name and a retirement account that I’m the primary holder on.
If your husband isn’t opening joint accounts or “allowing” you to have a card in your name, that’s abuse. Full stop.
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u/Fun-Specific9345 Apr 03 '26
I don’t understand how it is even considered to be controversial for you to not have a card with your own name on it? Us SAHM’s had to risk our entire careers to trust our spouses not to do anything shady. Like he can’t put your name on your bank account that you use to care for his children with? I’m sorry I don’t like that 😅
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u/Illustrious_Bid_7003 Apr 03 '26 edited Apr 03 '26
Me. He pays the regular bills, I pay all food, medical and special expenses. I also organize all trips so those expenses as well. I have access to everything at all times. We just decided to split up the actual clicking and paying so we have to tell one another what's up and we never become out of touch. I am am very much an "out of sight, out of mind" person.
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u/DreamExcellent9468 Apr 03 '26
I have my own account, but it’s because it is my bank account since college. When it comes to our household, we have a joint bank account and three joint credit cards. He makes the money and I pay (make sure autopay goes through) and I review everything to make sure all expenses are accounted for.
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u/wheery Apr 03 '26
Yup, on our deed, savings, checking, HYSA, and a credit card with my name on it. I don’t have a separate account but neither does he.
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u/Kooky-Potential-4676 Apr 03 '26
I’m actually the primary on the bank account. And I make sure all of the bills except his car gets paid.
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u/Big_Salary_9244 Apr 03 '26
Ladies is a thing for married women to take care of the finances in marriage? I always thought it was a man’s thing (I’m not married and I’m curious)
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u/pinepeaches Apr 03 '26
Idk but my husband takes care of all the finances because I have absolutely no interest in doing so and he enjoys it. I’m now realizing maybe this isn’t the norm 😂
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u/SnooSquirrels4502 Apr 03 '26
Same here kind of. My husband is an investment nerd and handles moving our money around. (Read: OUR money) All our bills are on auto-pay. If we get a bill in the mail then it's just whoever has a second to go online and pay it. But I'm a spreadsheet nerd so we have a shared Google spreadsheet that I created and he updates monthly with where all our money is, how much is there, with links on how to access and all the passwords are shared in a password vault. Sometimes I update it if he gets behind. My name is on everything except the HSA card because his work just sent him 2 with his name on it, and even that irks my feminist nerves a little bit (in a non-serious way).
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u/temp7542355 Apr 03 '26
If you’re a sahm it is probably more likely that the sahp will do most of the finances because of the division of labor and there is security in knowing where all the money is when you don’t have an income.
The exceptions really seem to be when the husband works in finance or happens to be particularly better at it or the wife is someone who really doesn’t like doing it.
If you’re the sahp you end up doing most of the shopping so the family finances do tend to follow behind.
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u/New_Dragonfruit7758 Apr 03 '26
We have joint accounts and we each have credit cards in our own names
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u/lavenderfields11 Apr 03 '26
We have our own bank accounts and access to our own money. He gets his wages paid into his bank account, I get some child support from my ex husband and some financial support for my disabled child. I have children from a previous marriages and one with my current husband. We have a joint account for all bills. He transfers money in to cover everything so there is always transparency. If he has money left over he saves (also joint account), pays off debt and we discuss any additional spending. It works well as I have complete oversight despite not contributing financially. I don't have any personal outgoings, I tend to buy groceries or bits for the kids, a coffee here and there when I take them out. We are very mindful of spending.
I didnt have any transparency in my previous marriage and felt I was taken for granted, it was a huge source of anxiety and caused so many arguments.
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u/sleepingturtles123 Apr 03 '26
Evening is in my name. We have a joint checking account his paycheck goes into and our house is in both names but everything else is in my name. Savings, investments, credit cards etc
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u/Longjumping_Sweet946 Apr 03 '26
I do not. But I also do not even look at a bill. He takes care of all that and I take care of the house and kids.
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u/nkdeck07 Apr 03 '26
All of them. I've actually got a few that are just my name as a hold over from my single days where adding him was weirdly difficult. I handle the day to day finances so I've got full access to his paychecks
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u/mrs-meatballs Apr 03 '26
I'm on the mortgage, have my own bank accounts (but we mainly use shared ones), have my own cards, etc. And for what it's worth, we are very "traditional". There's just no need to have everything in his name only, and the only change we've ever considered was moving solely to shared accounts (which the bank said is more trouble than it's worth).
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u/thespillednoodle Apr 03 '26
I just became a stay-at-home parent. So I have three accounts in my name, all with my name on the cards. But I don't use them much. My husband and I share a card, and it has his name on it.
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u/Clark610 Apr 03 '26
Joint bank accounts, credit cards, I have access to everything. My name is on the deed to the house too.
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u/youngANDbitter Apr 03 '26
We have joint account and I have a card to the account. He can transfer money from his business account and my part time job money goes there as well as our rental income
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u/dmb1717 Apr 03 '26
I'm the SAHM. The accounts are all in my name. He just had me add his name to the main bank account (checking/savings/credit). We each have an entirely separate credit card from before we were together. And I have a high yield savings from before we were together. I changed the login to our shared email address and added him as beneficiary, but he's the vulnerable one here, I could just change the login and run with 80% of our savings. But with how often he checks bank accounts (I pay all the bills) I could just transfer all the money to my account and run. But I never would, we've been though a ton together and have come out stronger for it. But, this is to say, if you're on the other side of it, you are vulnerable, and doubly so as the stay at home parent. Everyone should have their own separate accounts, or at least both names on accounts, to protect themselves.
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u/Alternative_Case7578 Apr 03 '26
We have joint checking and savings in addition to individual checking accounts. I have credit cards in my name , as does he. We added our 16 year old to one of the credit cards so he can learn and build credit. We paid off the house last year (both our names on deed) and vehicles are titled to both of us.
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Apr 03 '26
I do. I receive monthly payments for the rest of my life from a car accident I was in when I was 4 so every month it’s deposited. I also have a couple cards in my name . We have joint account tho that’s mostly tied to my name that’s where all my husbands checks get deposited. He actually always asks if he can buy something lol I’m like it’s your money go ahead
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u/Perppermint_kittea Apr 03 '26
Joint account but I don’t work. It’s not his money it’s ours. He values what I do at home and trusts me to spend wisely and consult together on large purchases. Anything else is not ok.
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u/bookluvr83 Apr 03 '26
My name is on the bank account AND the title to the house...but not the mortgage 😆
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u/scaredtotellyou Apr 03 '26
I have my original cards and accounts. I get “paid” once a month from my husband. We have two credit cards where I’m an authorized user (a points card and the Costco card)
Edit for typos
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u/Futurepharma91 Apr 04 '26
Not yet. His credit is good, mine is questionable. We've kept all finances separate until we buy a house later this year, so he can be on the mortgage solo (I'll still be on the deed). Then we'll open our joint account after that. This has always been the plan, and his cards are the ones saved in my phone and kept somewhere I always have access too for now. I do have my own copy of our HSA account card though.
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u/always_ell Apr 04 '26
I'm on the bank account with my husband, and have my own debit card. But we share the account.
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u/gentleheart05 Apr 04 '26
I do. Because I always have. Why would I stop because I’m not on a payroll anymore? Also the child benefit money from the government comes to me.
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u/PuzzleheadedFile212 Apr 04 '26
Me. He makes the money, goes in our joint account. I pay the bills, we have around 7 credit cards, I'm an authorized user on all of them.
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u/tomatosoupnsandwich Apr 05 '26
We don’t do joint accounts. Mine is mine and his is his. We have one joint account that includes our kids and we both put money in when we can. It’s perfect this way and we rarely bicker about money
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u/Simple-Newspaper-257 Apr 05 '26
I don’t have my own account but I am an authorized user on his credit card and I have my own card.
Same for his bank account. I think we have a joint savings account , but as far as the account where his paycheck gets direct deposited it’s his.
I also had a lot of debt before we got together and married and we didn’t put myself on his bank account to protect him. That was years ago though
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u/jeankm914 Apr 05 '26
Most of our credit cards and bank accounts have both of our names. I have 1 bank account in solely my name and he has 1 account with solely his name. I. The separate accounts, there’s not much money in. I keep mine in case I ever wanted to surprise him. For example, I used it for all the costs associated with throwing him a surprise party
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u/Late__tothep Apr 06 '26
here— i have both. recent to being a sahm but we’ve always had our own and together more recently
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u/audreymarie90 Apr 03 '26
He says that since I have his Apple Pay and his actual card number that I don’t have a reason to be on the actual account or get a separate card to use if I need cash. Just trying to see how normal my situation is. Obviously, I’ve asked to have my name put on the account but that’s a no go.
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u/puppiesnprada Apr 03 '26
You need a job and your own $ in that case, you’re in a vulnerable position
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u/pinepeaches Apr 03 '26
Aside from this not being the norm, if he were to die you would not have access to any of the money in those accounts. The accounts would be frozen and you would have to wait for the bank to process his death certificate etc., which is not a quick process if you’re not on the account. You would be screwed and have no money for god knows how long. Also, if he has toxic family they may try to claim ownership of the money in the account.
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u/Available-Physics-60 Apr 03 '26
He’s a dumb ass honestly. He will have a kid with you but not a bank account with you? Not cool at all.
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u/Latter-Release-9169 Apr 03 '26
We have a joint account and I pay all the bills and have tha count and passwords to everything , however I have another account saved up if anything happens in our marriage or a divorce and a credit card that’s under my name that he doesn’t know about in case I need to get out .
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u/Star_Gazer_95 Apr 03 '26
Is your marriage ok? How can you keep a secret like that?
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u/Latter-Release-9169 Apr 03 '26
My marriage is great but anything can happen when you are married . You always have to be a step ahead whether you think it’s never going to happen or not . Plus what happens if he loses his job or he passes away unexpectedly are you prepare for that ?
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u/Star_Gazer_95 Apr 03 '26
I definitely understand being prepared and certainly understand where you are coming from. But I personally couldn’t keep something like that a secret.
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u/Latter-Release-9169 Apr 03 '26
I get that . I’m sure he knows it’s not really a secret and it’s not like I’m hiding anything from him just something for me just like he has his own things . Just how I am and he knows by any means I’m good on my own …. People ask in relationship what do you bring to the table my husband knows I bought the table .
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u/justintime107 Apr 03 '26
I agree with @latter-release-9169. I don’t keep it a secret from my husband but he sure as hell knows he better act right or I’m out because I have the financial means to do so. You always need to have a backup plan because you never know what can happen.
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u/Nearby_Willow_1699 Apr 09 '26
I have my own bank account my husband sends me money transfers for the bills and groceries and if just need some monies. We do not share a bank account, married 9 years.
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u/mooneyedwitch Apr 03 '26
Me. He makes the money, and I make sure the bills get paid.