r/stayathomemoms • u/Annual_Opportunity37 • Aug 13 '25
Question Do your husbands still help clean even though you are a SAHM
Just what the title says. When I worked full time I expected my husband to contribute more to the household chores. Since I went back to being home I know it’s more my responsibility. But he doesn’t help with the house at all now. I have a 9 year old boy, very hyper 4 year old boy, and a one year old girl. I feel like I’m going crazy. The amount of laundry and dishes for a family of 5 is insane and I have no help. I get the kids to pick up but that’s just as much of a chore because it is a battle getting them to do it.
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u/Apetitmouse Aug 13 '25
Yeah we really quickly realized that SAHM with two really small kids was less “home” and way more “mom.”
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u/HailTheCrimsonKing Aug 13 '25
Of course! My husband splits everything with me when he’s not working, as husbands should! I try to have all the cleaning and cooking done but it doesn’t always work out that way. I genuinely enjoy having everything perfect when he’s home cause I love my man and making his life easier, he works hard, but I barely ever have everything perfect and he does a lot at home. On weekends I fully expect him to be involved with all the childcare and house responsibilities
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u/Alarmed_Tax_8203 Aug 14 '25
i don’t let him, he’s terrible at it!! 😭 he takes care of other things like mowing, all landscaping, all things childcare (on weekends when he doesn’t work) or whatever needs to be fixed or get done around the house to make up for not helping with cleaning and cooking.
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u/Aquarius_K Aug 14 '25
My thing is, if the SAH partner has time to handle it all, fine, if not, the working partner needs to help. Single people who work still have to wash their own clothes and stuff. And regardless, everyone needs to pickup after themselves and not cause extra messes. Like if the working partner is throwing clothes down on the floor and expecting you to pick it up, that is NOT ok.
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u/Annual_Opportunity37 Aug 14 '25
Right. I’ve never worked full time and then just gotten to come home and do nothing after work, but that’s what I feel he expects.
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u/mooneyedwitch Aug 13 '25
Lol not mine
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u/Open-Parfait-9536 Aug 14 '25
Not mine either unfortunately, “you’re home all day the house should be clean” type of man I live with
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u/mooneyedwitch Aug 14 '25
This is really what mine is turning into. Can't tell you how many times him working gets thrown in my face. Like, great, thanks for making me feel shitty and regret something we BOTH agreed on. But okay. My husband has just generally turned into a more angrier dick since I got pregnant. I'm over it.
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u/Open-Parfait-9536 Aug 14 '25
It just never makes sense to me, just because we don’t get paid doesn’t mean we’re not working. If you have someone watch your children they get paid, if you have someone clean your house they get paid, if you have someone do your laundry or go grocery shopping they get paid because it’s their job.
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u/Annual_Opportunity37 Aug 14 '25
SAHM is a really hard job. Often times it’s unappreciated and thankless. I work 24/7 and rarely get a “break”.
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u/rufflebunny96 Aug 13 '25
Yes. He does a lot of vacuuming and dishes while I put our son to bed at night.
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u/Lost-Albatross2759 Aug 14 '25
My husband does all of the laundry and 90% of the dishes. He also does any other chores that are needed. We’re partners and we both live here. The ‘M’ in SAHM is for Mom, not maid.
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u/Annual_Opportunity37 Aug 14 '25
That sounds so nice. You are a lucky woman. My husband used to help with laundry but doesn’t since I quit work. And dishes are my most hated chore but we have fought about that our entire 9 years of marriage and I finally gave up the battle.
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u/Admirable-Painting50 Aug 14 '25
Yes. I have to remind him what needs done which is annoying but he helps
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u/Annual_Opportunity37 Aug 14 '25
Yes it’s like having to tell them or ask them what to do takes more mental load it’s super annoying
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u/DogsDucks Aug 14 '25
Yep. Being a stay at home mom means I watch the kid while he’s working.
He does all the dishes, everyone’s laundry, takes care of the dogs, and whoever happens to be “in the zone” dusts and vacuums.
He does a lot a more picking up after the toddler than I do, takes care of the dogs, home repairs. Preps toddler food more than me.
I do all the errands and cooking, and I actually enjoy a deep clean, but struggle with the tedious daily stuff.
These aren’t things that I expect him to do, either. Instead we talk about what we like doing/ don’t mind/ don’t like/ have the bandwidth for.
Because we both live here, and he does not want me to pick up after him. When I have tried he gently reminds me that he can do it.
Sometimes I have to reassure him he needs time to relax and have fun.
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u/Cat_person1981 Aug 14 '25
Yes. But it needs to be verbalized for him oftentimes. Sometimes with very specific directions. We are a fully functioning neurodivergent family of 4.
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u/puffqueen1 Aug 14 '25
No, honestly. All household stuff is on me. He puts the kiddo down every night and splits childcare with me on the weekends. He runs a business and works long hours though, so I don’t mind. He never, ever comments on the house and completely understands if it’s untidy, too. Taking care of our son comes first. He also helps if I ask or seem like I need it. I’m also quite type A and like things done my way. It works for us! We only have 1 kid, which I think helps. I feel happy & satisfied with it! :)
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u/Faegirl247 Aug 14 '25
I’m pretty suprised by the number of comments that are “yes! Duh!” lol no sounds more realistic to most SAHMs I’ve met and been friends with
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u/Strawberryfeathers Aug 13 '25
Yes. I do the normal vacuuming daily but if toys aren't put away at the end of the day he puts them away (baby is 14 months so learning), and for tasks that need my little helper to not be there like steam mopping the floors either he'll stay with baby while I do it or vice versa. Hes also vastly better at organizing so he keeps the pantry and what not functioning. And sometimes I just need a break from little one so he takes baby for a half day so I can clean and listen to my shows. Kinda depends on what I need hes up to help with.
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u/BumblebeeSuper Aug 13 '25
Personally, I can't stand the sentence that they "help clean up". If you're having a discussion with him about it please don't use that terminology. He shouldn't be helping, he is responsible just as much as you are.
If you're using the thought process that he is helping you, where is his accountability?
Anyways, my husband ebbs and flows with his household contributions.
He does his own cooking and washing. He mostly cooks on the weekends or during the week if I ask.
I'm covering the washing but tell him to do tasks if they need to be done and I don't have time or can't be bothered. I.e. take baskets to the laundry, take stuff out of the wash and/or dryer etc.
He loves to leave little bits of crap everywhere which annoys the shit out of me. He does the floors, scrubs the shower down and does the dishes if I give him a dirty enough look lol
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u/Pretty_Please1 Aug 14 '25
Yes. My job is to raise our son, not be our maid. I do my fair share, but he still cleans just as much as he did before I quit my job out of the home. I do most of the cooking but that’s because that’s what I did before. I also like doing it, it’s my preferred chore.
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u/Celestial-Dream Aug 14 '25
Absolutely. He lives here too and I take care of his children all day so we don’t have to pay for daycare for two.
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Aug 14 '25
Absolutely. My role first and foremost is to care for the kids. The household responsibilities fall on both of us when he is home. I try to do more so he can relax, but it doesn’t always work out that way.
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u/avoandchicken Aug 14 '25
Not really. He works out of state 5-6 days a week so I wouldn’t expect him to. He will throw a load of his laundry in every now and then but I will fold and put it away 90% of the time. I’d rather spend quality time together as a family on the days he is home rather than have him spending time cleaning our house when I’m able to do that all week when I’m home and he’s not. He takes care of 100% of “outdoor chores” and I keep the inside of our home clean. This is just what works for us.
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u/bkbk2k Aug 14 '25
Yes. I ask my husband to do the chores I disdain, and I make sure to do those he disdains. It’s mostly me around the house but if we have friends come over, etc. he likes to pitch in as a favor to me. I am always sure to thank him even if it’s for “us”, I truly enjoy a clean house and he does it to make me happy. I think that’s key!
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u/Beefismyfavorite Aug 14 '25
It depends on my energy levels. I'm 40 weeks pregnant, so right now he makes dinner if I'm feeling too tired and will do the dishes and sweep the floor. Switches the laundry over to the dryer if I need it. I prefer to do the chores and cooking if I can because I'm very particular and enjoy doing it, but he's happy to to it as well.
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u/millenz Aug 14 '25
Yes but I do the lion share. We have a housekeeper every other week too for the “deep” all over clean whereas I’m just managing all the stuff (toys, school stuff, mine and kids laundry) and keeping the urgent messes addressed
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u/Bcjacks Aug 14 '25
Not really unless I ask. Or whenever he feels like it. I get fed up and just clean. He doesn’t prioritize cleaning at all.
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u/Olives_And_Cheese Aug 14 '25
Yes, but I do do the lion's share. Which I think is fair; realistically, we only have one nearly 2 year old, and she takes a 2 hour long nap in the day. She generates a lot of mess, but (at the moment) I can handle most of it without too much bother.
My husband is in charge of taking out the bins, keeping his office reasonable, and sometimes, if I was too tired to fill the dishwasher at night, he does it the next morning. I am fairly happy with this arrangement; he has a hard job that supports us, and he doesn't ever comment when the chores aren't done, so they get done as and when I have the time and energy.
Childcare, though? 50/50. In fact, he probably does a bit more than me evenings and weekends.
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u/Gullible_Wind_3777 Aug 14 '25
Just last night, husband dried up as I was washing up, there was a lot, don’t get me wrong I was thankful! But he said in a jokey way ‘you not gonna tank me then?’ And I said ‘ like you thank me daily for doing the same things?’ He went ‘ fair ‘ and walked off haha. It’s not one persons job to keep the house a home. When there are two of you anyway. It’s both of yours responsibility. My husband rarely does anything but I’m a fussy bitch and have to have things a particular way, I hoover like a weirdo apparently lmao. But he wouldn’t do a good job, I get frustrated and take over. He will help , like last night, or I’ll have to ask him ‘ can you take the bins out please, ‘ something like that. He does a lot of the childcare stuff though. If he’s here we do it together. Bedtime, bath time, dinner time. Stories, playtime. Easier when he’s home, he’s like the one to keep the kids out the way so I can crack on 💪 😂👌
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u/my_husbands_helper Aug 14 '25
We basically have it divided to inside and outside of the house. Husband does all care of the home on the outside: lawn, pool, car maintenance. I’m responsible for all housework inside: laundry, cooking, meal planning, grocery shopping, cleaning.
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u/AgitatedHighlight582 Aug 14 '25
Of course he contributes! He still lives in the same home as me. Forget the dad, even my kids do their part. Granted it’s not great but each person lives here so everyone contributes. It’s not really “help” each person has a responsibility to the overall tidiness of the home. All chores belong to everyone. (Except the trash hahah I will avoid that task like hell)
if someone is feeling overwhelmed then I speak up or he speaks up stating he has to prioritize work over grocery pick up or etc so I know to not expect that from him and vice versa. I may have too many outside errands like doctor’s appointments, play dates, kids classes etc so he knows if I can’t do dishes in the night he might do it in the morning.
It’s not perfect and we don’t do chores assignment, we do get frustrated sometimes, kids, summer routines etc but yes everyone contributes. Including my 12 and 6 year old.
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u/j_bee52 Aug 15 '25
Absolutely. He will either help by doing it, or he will take our son out to play, to the park, to the store, somewhere so I can get it done much more easily. I don't mind doing the bulk of the cleaning. He helps with it all
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u/Long-Positive-3066 Aug 15 '25
He does the odd jobs I hate and I take on the bulk of house work... so anything involving chemicals (bug spray weed spray drain cleaners whatever) moving heavy stuff hanging things up on the walls building new furniture and folding socks I'm in charge of making sure daily tasks are done
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u/Thyki69 Aug 15 '25
My husband also doesn’t help. If he takes his plate to the sink is a plus on the day, he works from home which makes it stressful for me honesty, I’d rather he goes to an office at this point. My kid is 2.5, if he doesn’t help to clean up his mess, then I put toys away. But he is very good overall to help with chores, it takes longer because he is still learning but since he could walk I have him pick up toys, hand me dishes from dishwasher, put clothes in the dryer, etc.
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u/plantbubby Aug 15 '25
A little, but I also keep my standards pretty low, so I don't stress myself out over not being able to clean some days. I'd rather us both be able to relax in the evenings and on the weekend. I focus on the things that are essential like the kitchen and laundry. Everything else can wait until I've got time as life can be hectic with kids. I've also put in a lot of effort to make chores easier for myself such as by decluttering, making sure everything has a place, having cleaning supplies in both bathrooms rather than just in one spot. I've worked out clear methods on how to approach each task so it feels easier. I've also assigned one job to each day of the week. Monday is bathrooms, Tuesday is laundry, Wednesday is weeding garden and watering indoor plants, Thursday is tidy the living and dining spaces, Friday is floors. I try to give the kitchen a tidy daily. Having only one thing to focus on each day has been helpful and less overwhelming and it always takes much less time than I expected. But I am saving up for a robot vacuum.
That said, he'll often stack/unload the dishwasher if it's full or finished. He does the lawns. He does most of my toddler's bedtime routine. I'm also heavily pregnant so he packs up all the toys alone at the moment because I can't bend down very well. We used to do this together at the end of the day.
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u/Annual_Opportunity37 Aug 15 '25
I’ve been working in therapy to quit putting so much importance on the household being perfect all the time. It’s so hard, but I have been also trying to make each task easier on myself as well. I like the one task a day schedule that you have! I may just have to try that next week. Also highly recommend the robot vacuum when you are able to save up for it. I love mine!
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u/confettii123 Aug 16 '25
No because he’s working almost 80 hours a week running a business unfortunately
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u/luv_u_deerly Aug 16 '25
Yes and he does it without me asking and without complaint. He WFH and sometimes I'll take LO out and come back home and he's done a load of laundry or did the dishes or cleaned something. Not always, just if he has a break in his work. I think that's so awesome because I would never know if he had a break in work and I would begrudge him for just relaxing either, but he choses to help. He likes having a clean house too so that does make sense. He also just takes it upon himself to do some chores on the weekend and during non work hours too. He's also the cook of the family.
In my opinion husbands should still help because being a SAHM is a lot and I think it's an unfair labor distribution if the mom does the childcare and ALL of the cleaning too. Maybe they do more but it shouldn't be all of it. Only stay at home partners with no kids should have to do all the chores.
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u/Just_curious4567 Aug 18 '25
Hell yeah I’m not a maid. You could also enlist him to help you wrangle the kids into helping clean up. My kids put away dishes, and fold and put away their own laundry. My husband does his own laundry, and we take turns doing the dishes, and cooking. He does most of the yardwork.
Your 4 year old is probably too young to be of much help. I did have my kids pull weeds during the pandemic and wash windows, they were 3 and 5.
Basically all the toys stay out unless someone is coming over so I then tell the kids to pick up their toys. They know they have to help me put things away if someone is coming over so they are fine when I say “ take these things up to your room.” Consistently is key, the more you ask them to do stuff, the more normal it becomes.
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u/Zelda9420 Aug 19 '25
I just had a conversation with my husband the other day about sharing more of the load. He works long hard hours and I appreciate that he does that for our family, but its not fair when he gets to watch tv and decompress for 3 hours while I make dinner, clean up dinner, and put our daughter to bed after I have also had a long day. So now, at least, one person cleans up dinner and the other puts our daughter to bed. He is trying to help with laundry… but he just forgets about it in the washer and it sits there for too long and I end up having to re-wash everything… but I do appreciate the effort.
Anyway, talk to your husband about sharing the load. They work hard for us, but we work hard too. We are not maids. We are stay at home MOMS.
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u/paipaisan Aug 13 '25
Nope, cleaning and laundry are all on me. He does cook fairly often though, for which I am very grateful, because I hate cooking and by the time we get to the weekend I can think of nothing I’d like less than to have to make dinner!
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u/ZestySquirrel23 Aug 13 '25
Yup, and I don't consider it "helping"...we both take care of the space we live in.