Took a break, reconsidering my decision.

[u/Oddly-Ordinary]

Follow up to this post:

https://www.reddit.com/r/queerpolyam/s/wzImybCAjz

I’m reconsidering my decision to take a break from s_x parties. Even if my relationship with them feels unhealthy.

I took a break because I wanted to focus on dating and building intimate more connections, get more comfortable expressing and exploring my s_xuality in other settings, and prove to myself that I don’t *need* to go to s_x parties to have fun s_xual experiences.

It hasn’t worked out as well as I’d hoped.

I feel more disconnected from my s_xuality than ever, I feel worse about my body, less attractive, more repressed, my confidence is underground. Doesn’t help that my last date+hookup sucked bc the person was enbyphobic and didn’t respect my identity or my preferences.

At this point it’s been so long it feels weird to even put myself out there again. And I know it will probably hurt my mental health to go into such s_xually charged environment after a year-long dry spell but I feel like I don’t have a choice unless I want to be celibate indefinitely.

[u/skatetricks]

it seems you recognized that sex parties might be a bandaid solution to a different problem. you mentioned you don't feel happy with yourself, that you dont feel confident, that you dont want to be celibate. it appears that some (or a lot) of your personal validation is coming from other people. you gotta love yourself first and foremost. i know thats hard and that you've been trying to do that. keep finding ways to bring meaning to your life on your own terms and by yourself. this can help make you a more secure human being and make you happier with yourself. that in turn can help your confidence, help you NGAF, which could have the side benefit of helping you seek out new friends and secure relationships. plus if you have your own stuff together, it frees up time, space and stress in your brain and allows you to more openly connect with others and focus on them. again, it takes hard uncomfortable work and potentially years to work on this stuff. but it does sound like you've already started. have you looked into mindfullness?

not to say that sex parties are bad. they can be really fun. the parties can also can be very toxic. best to go with no expectations. YMMV, but i would abstain from sex parties for now, keep working on yourself, and maybe go back when youre feeling more secure, when a failed or successful hookup won't make or break the night. maybe instead, keep focus on finding partners (in the real world is much better than any apps). then maybe you can discuss with them and you'll can go to the parties together. thats what i used to do. going to sex parties with friends and partners was aways much much much much more enjoyable than going alone.

made some edits, i'm sorry youre feeling this way.

[u/Oddly-Ordinary → u/skatetricks]

”you gotta love yourself first and foremost. i know thats hard and that you've been trying to do that. keep finding ways to bring meaning to your life on your own terms and by yourself.”

Yeah, that’s kinda where I’ve been at for a few years while I don’t necessarily disagree with you, I’m not a fan of the idea of needing to “love yourself before others can love you” bc imo it’s like saying people need to be “healed enough” to earn or deserve love y’know? I also don’t think it’s realistic for me to expect to feel confident outside of a strictly platonic context (which isn’t the issue) bc the work I’m doing really hasn’t addressed wounds that were specific to sexual and romantic intimacy.

And I don’t have much faith at this point that I’ll have partners to go to parties with. I have no issues making friends but it seems to be a pattern that people I become friends with are romantically and sexually incompatible with me or just not interested. Which is fine but would be nice if it wasn’t the case all the time.