Took a break to reflect and I think it made my intimacy problems worse

[u/Oddly-Ordinary]

What the title says. I used to be pretty active in the queer T4T s*x party scene. But I’m unpartnered and I wasn’t very “active” in between parties. And realized I’d become reliant on s*x parties for intimacy and it didn’t feel healthy.

My goal was to focus on other ways of meeting people, emotional connection, and getting more comfortable flirting and being intimate in other settings.

Unfortunately that hasn’t worked out as well as I’d hoped. I’ve always been a bit insecure and now it’s been so long I feel the momentum and confidence I gained at the parties has fizzled. And idk if it’s a good idea for me to dive into such a sexually-charged environment after this long dry spell. I don’t want to give myself emotional whiplash again.

I feel conflicted about my choice to step away from s*x parties and I’m not sure what I should do now. Looking for community support and feedback.

And before anyone says it, yes I’m in therapy. Thankfully I found a therapist who’s queer and NB themselves and kink + polyam informed 🫶

[u/OverAttention3858]

Best advice I have is to try and intentionally date yourself to build your own self-esteem and confidence. Take yourself on dates, dress up for yourself, spoil yourself, master are, whatever makes you feel good and sexy.

Also maybe try and ask for non-sexual intimacy from friends! I love having a cuddle or holding hands with a good friend.

[u/nervousnonbeanie]

Did it make it worse or did you gain greater insight into yourself, which can sometimes come along with some pains? I hope you can give yourself credit where it's due - It sounds like making that choice (even if it's temporary) was not done easily.

I do feel like all of this can be complicated - it feels like a dialectic/don't exercise to hold space for the fact that I am a very sexual person + touch is basically a non negotiable need for my health while also acknowledging that need/drive can lead me to self sabotage or end up pursuing relationships/connections that aren't in my best interest.

I second the idea of platonic intimacy - cuddling my pals has historically filled my cup when I was not in a relationship.

When I didn't have access to sex or wanted a break it became a nice opportunity to get to know myself better sexually. I spent time really getting in touch with my kinks and fetishes, and learning how to get myself off better.

A question Id ask is what are your wants/needs rn connection wise? What options do you have to fill those? I think there are parts of the picture missing here that could help people give better input. What're your goals with dating/friendship/sex?

[u/Oddly-Ordinary → u/nervousnonbeanie]

I really appreciate you leaving such thoughtful feedback. Definitely going to bring some of this into therapy…

In a lot of ways I did gain greater insight into myself but I also think it made things worse. Or at least made it harder for things to get better. It’s definitely complicated.

As far as my current wants/needs… I definitely need more close connections. Platonic included. I don’t have friends right now who I cuddle with or who seem interested in cuddling platonically with me. My friends are all partnered, if not polysaturated, so I think part of it just imbalance in capacity and unmet needs. At this point it feels like an awkward ask with folks I’ve known for a while without physical contact being part of our relationship. So to answer your other question, I don’t feel like I have many options right now.

Outside of ONS at s_x parties I’ve only had one partner who I was with for maybe 3 years? It was toxic, we really weren’t compatible, and our relationship reinforced a lot of s_x negativity and shame I was already carrying. It would be nice to have positive, fun and exciting s_xual experiences and relationships where it feels safe to explore that part of myself, to replace my bad experiences with good ones if that makes sense? I want to heal the trauma I’ve been carrying and free to experience EVERY part of myself.

More specifically, when I tried to date or be sexually active enbyphobia was a major barrier. Even from other trans folks. A lot of people who were interested in me were looking for partners to fulfill certain gendered rolls that would affirm their own identities. Which is valid. But that was projected onto me in ways that made me dysphoric.

The other part is I’m having a hard time connecting with other folks in polyam / kink spaces in general. There isn’t much I can contribute to conversations about related to polyamory or k_nk dynamics, I’m not sharing in the experience that’s bringing folks together. And certain events just aren’t conducive to going solo. Which limits how often I actually find myself in situations to make connections with other queer, polyam, k_nky folks. It feels a bit like a “need experience to get experience” situation sometimes.

”it feels like a dialectic/don't exercise to hold space for the fact that I am a very sexual person + touch is basically a non negotiable need for my health while also acknowledging that need/drive can lead me to self sabotage or end up pursuing relationships/connections that aren't in my best interest.”

Not sure I know what you mean can you rephrase please?

[u/tueswedsbreakmyheart]

What do you feel like you want or might enjoy now? Dating? Fwbs? Non-sexual connections?