Help with Avoidant Poly

[u/Open-Grapefruit8343]

Writing this as a sort of “AITA” because please tell me if I am out of line with how I am feeling.

AITA for canceling a weekend with my long-term partner after years of feeling emotionally neglected, and now feeling devastated that he seems to have withdrawn?

I (42F) have been in a long-term non-monogamous relationship with a man (43M) for about 3.5 years. We both have other partners/anchors. We are part of the same niche creative/performance community and our relationship started there. We have a deep emotional and physical connection, but our communication styles and emotional needs have always been very different.

To be fair to him: he is not a cruel person. He is reliable in many practical ways, kind in day-to-day interactions, intelligent, generous with hobbies/interests, and emotionally steady compared to me. He also has a tendency to avoid or shut down around difficult emotional conversations, especially if he feels criticized or overwhelmed.

I am much more emotionally expressive and attachment-oriented. I need reassurance, emotional closeness, collaborative repair after conflict, affection, and proactive communication. Over the years, I increasingly started feeling like I had to minimize my needs in order to preserve the relationship and avoid “heavy conversations.”

This has become especially painful because our relationship used to have a lot more physical and emotional intimacy and ritual around it. For almost three years, twice a month, every time he drove into the city to visit me, he would call me during the drive because he was lonely and wanted company. The car ride talks were one of the most consistent ones we maintained throughout. We would spend entire evenings together at community events cuddling, talking, reconnecting, then go on to have a nice weekend together, and feeling like a unit. We have spoken pretty much every day since we met except for a few short instances of “needing space,” which were always communicated ahead of time.

Over time those rituals and that emotional and physical closeness slowly started disappearing.

At the same time, he continued building connections with newer women in the community. I agreed to non-monogamy and never expected exclusivity, but I started feeling increasingly emotionally and physically abandoned while watching him offer excitement, attention, flirtation, and intimacy to newer connections that I no longer felt from him consistently myself.

I can also admit that over time I became reactive to witnessing him being so attentive to other partners even if the connection was tenuous or platonic, that I did have emotional reactions (crying, sulking, stress response), and I understand that over time that had led him to feel stressed about sharing the space - but all the rituals I asked him to help us both were rejected as controlling for example: routine check ins, boomerangs, verbal reassurance. It was all kind of framed as me being controlling of him because he was “spending the weekend with me anyway” so why was I upset that he was attentive to someone else for a few hours?”

He didn’t seem to understand that it hurt to see him holding hands with someone and cuddling when that’s not something he would offer me in the same space.

I offered to step away from the community space so he could pursue connections without the “pressure” of worrying if I’ll get upset with him for it. I realize this is me grossly over-functioning in the relationship.

Outside the shared space I also many times tried to address the lose of closeness and intimacy and was rebuffed often - eventually yes I did get pushy and emotional about it and he admitted it made him not want to be intimate or close to feel like he was “on trial” and overwhelmed. To be clear I do “angry cry” a lot but I do not believe my harsh hurt words fell into the abusive or toxic sphere - the worst I’ve called him is “kind of a jerk,” and “selfish”. He also rarely admitted that he was the one to withdraw intimacy without real cause or explanation in the first place - eventually he would admit to me he had mental health struggles or family stress at home, but a lot of the time his behaviour simply went unexplained - guys he stopped saying my name for like six months at one point. I have just felt so alone and like the only one that cared to acknowledge the changes and growing distance between us.

One recent example: we had talked multiple times over the years about someday taking a trip together related to our shared interests. We last spoke about a shared trip two weeks ago! Just this week he told me he booked that exact kind of trip solo and later told me he was nervous because it would be his first time traveling alone in almost 20 years. It was almost as if he was underscoring going by himself… when I had offered to travel with him many times in the past - something he seemed to want as well in the past, but not this time. So, that absolutely crushed me because it felt like I had been erased from a shared dream we had actively discussed together.

A month ago, he made plans to come into the city Friday night to spend time with a newer connection at our shared community space and then stay at my apartment afterward for the rest of the weekend. I tried to talk to him about it two weeks ago because I was already feeling anxious and emotionally unsafe about the setup. The conversation didn’t really go anywhere because he said he wanted a lighter conversation at the time and later admitted difficult conversations can take away his excitement about seeing me.

He never offered me a time or solution for how to have “heavy” conversations.

That comment really broke something in me emotionally because I realized I had spent a long time trying to phrase things “correctly” and suppress difficult feelings so I wouldn’t ruin closeness or create tension. But eventually things would still bubble over because the underlying issues were never actually resolved. At the end of the day it didn’t matter if I brought things up and asked for reassurance or repair or if I tried to stay positive, the relationship closeness continued to decline with only the most minimal improvements - to give you an example he stopped kissing me consistently maybe 2 years ago. So we went down to like one kiss a month unless I initiated it, but the last time we hung out he kissed me like four or five times.

So maybe it’s “emotional girl math” but a few kisses while so lovely and so welcome don’t exactly erase months of neglect. In the moment I was happy it happened and told him so but in the big picture I was still feeling like that was such a tiny step up a steep steep hill.

But he would see my complaint about “not enough kissing” and say he just kissed me last time he was here so why am I still complaining?

That’s what I have to deal with balancing - showing appreciation for the small steps and the effort he DOES show me while not erasing the larger picture of long term decline and neglect. The deficit of kisses can’t be erased by one nice weekend of kisses. Right?

So here we are!

Yesterday (Thursday morning) I realized I could not emotionally handle the weekend as planned and canceled.

I felt in my heart that I would be waiting all of Friday night for him to come home - he never volunteered what his plans were and what time he might be back, so feeling anxious and rejected about the recent trip and with no recourse for reassurance or support from him after he told me heavy conversations were a turn-off, I kind of became scared of getting upset, crying and “ruining the weekend,” when he eventually came home.

Folks, I was spiralling because after so many years of being told I am controlling and manipulative when I wanted clarity and clear plans and expectations when sharing time and space with other partners, that I felt genuinely afraid to even ask him “what time are you coming home on Friday after your meet up with [new partner]?”

I didn’t admit that to him.

Instead, I told him I felt overwhelmed, afraid to have needs, and exhausted from trying to stay positive all the time. He engaged in the conversation somewhat and asked a few clarifying questions, but after that… almost nothing.

No goodnight. No good morning. No “I’m processing.” No reassurance. No discussion about what the weekend plan now even is.

Meanwhile he still appears to have gone ahead with his plans to meet the other woman tonight. Omitting our usual long drive call, giving me just nothing at all.

I feel devastated because I have never canceled a weekend before in three years. He has canceled on me before because of relationship tension or emotional issues and I never froze him out afterward. But now that I finally hit my own breaking point, I feel completely alone.

Part of me is furious and wants to burn the entire relationship down publicly because I feel like I have spent years overfunctioning emotionally for someone who fundamentally cannot tolerate reasonable relational discomfort long enough to actually repair anything. Another part of me still desperately wants him to call me, hug me, tell me he loves me, and come home tonight.

I honestly don’t know anymore whether I’m dealing with an emotionally avoidant but caring person who is overwhelmed, or someone who has been slowly emotionally abandoning me for years while I kept trying harder and harder to save the relationship - and failing obviously many times.

AITA for feeling super hurt by this silence after canceling the weekend and feeling like this relationship has become emotionally unsustainable for me?

[u/clairejv]

YTA to yourself for not ending this miserable relationship already.

You are fed up. Listen to that feeling. Stop accepting this. It's not good for you.

It literally doesn't matter if he's emotionally avoidant but well-meaning, or actively choosing to pull away. Either way, he cannot meet your needs.

[u/britaliope]

AITA for feeling [...]

You're never an asshole by feeling something. Human feels things. You're human. Sometimes those feelings have a rational reason and sometimes they don't. Brain is not always rational.

However here i think you have many good reasons to be angry and hurt and everything else.

You talk about many times and ways where he hurt you, willingly or not, and concluded that way:

I honestly don’t know anymore whether I’m dealing with an emotionally avoidant but caring person who is overwhelmed, or someone who has been slowly emotionally abandoning me for years while I kept trying harder and harder to save the relationship - and failing obviously many times.

Honestly, i don't think the answer to that question really matters. It might help you to close that relationship, but in the end it doesn't change the issue : you feel neglected, unhappy, tried to talk to him about this several times over a long period of time and nothing changed.

You look tired of trying to save the relationship and that you have enough. Whatever reasons are "valid" or not, if he have a "good excuse" or not, that's the situation right now. Is that situation bearable ?

If not, your only real option is to end the relationship at that point.

Even if he's a good person, and react like this because he is overwhelmed, or whatever understandable reason, you can't stay in a relationship that makes you feel that bad. Take care of yourself first, your mental (and physical) health is more important than anything else in the world.

[u/Open-Grapefruit8343 → u/britaliope]

It is starting to feel more and more like our emotional capacity is misaligned and maybe we need to let go and move on. It hurts to really think about it. I wish there was a more clear path forward together towards healing and reconnection.

Thank you for your insights and validation - and for taking the time tonight to read all that.

[u/britaliope → u/Open-Grapefruit8343]

It hurts to really think about it. I wish there was a more clear path forward together towards healing and reconnection.

I feel for you. Been there, the decision isn't easy. You can't keep trying to save the relationship alone forever though. At some point your brain will have enough of it and go full mental breakdown.

A relationship need two persons to be. If you don't think you can make him notice your struggles and act on it, there is no point in staying and the longer you wait the longer the pain will be there.

Warm hugs for you if you if you want them.

[u/britaliope → u/Open-Grapefruit8343]

Oh, just thought about this while reading another post in bed: if you want to try one more thing to save the relationship, maybe ask him to go to couples therapy with you. There are some poly-educated and safe therapists, usually they mention it on their bio/website/whatever. If you don't find one, queer-friendly ones are usually at least aware of what poly is, as the intersection between queer people and poly people is quite big.

[u/karmicreditplan]

If you burned it down it would be a well deserved blaze.

He may be someone who can only be appropriately interested and responsive when he’s under the influence of NRE. He may just be avoidant so anytime you step forward he will step back.

It’s easy enough to deal with an avoidant man. You just have to ignore them and treat them like a pleasant afterthought. You don’t let them stay at your house after a date with someone else. You don’t go anywhere with them if you’re not their total focus. You don’t bother to explain why you’re unhappy with them, you just remove access to yourself. You don’t ask for anything, you act surprised when they run after you trying to offer things.

It’s genuinely easy to “catch” that kind of man but then what? Then you have an avoidant man on your hands. And ultimately he won’t ever be emotionally mature and secure enough to be a good partner. The minute you trust him and step forward again? Zing, he’s gone.

This kind of dude makes a good comet. When you can take him or leave him you can do just that. But if you love him and want him to be loving every day? You’re setting yourself up for heartbreak.

Character is behavior over time. You have listed strong patterns of inadequacy for years here. Someone who says I kissed you last weekend why are you complaining does not love you the way you deserve to be loved. That’s probably the worst thing I’ve heard in a month.

[u/DefiantWave8316]

look at how much you are over-explaining here. you're harming yourself by staying.

[u/Mobile_Funny_9544]

When your description of him has to be prefaced with "he's not a cruel man", that tells you what you actually think his behaviour looks like if judged objectively.

The last 2 years you have had 1 kiss a month with someone you only see twice a month? And when you ask, he asks why you are complaining and says he kissed you last time he saw you? You say you have been emotionally neglected for years but have only been with him 3.5 years.... So that likely means emotionally neglected once his NRE faded

He's pulling away and you see it, you are spiralling and you are getting nothing back from him.... You are and have been feeling neglected and doing all the relationship work for years. I'm not surprised you are tired and fed up. It doesn't matter if he's a nice person underneath...if being with him makes you feel like this then you are not respecting yourself and your needs.

[u/morganlerae]

Burn it all down.

[u/Could_Be_Bunnies]

I have so much empathy for you in this situation. I dealt with a version of this for a few months during which no matter how gingerly I walked on the eggshells, any bid for clarity was treated like an inquisition or a massive breach of boundaries. And then he just ghosted. It was honestly devastating and it wasn’t even a long term or serious relationship. There’s just something that makes you feel so crazy about asking for what feels like basic communication and being made to feel unreasonable for doing so. And that just increases the anxious attachment and so on and so on…it sucks. You’re not the asshole but I think you do need to find a way to come to terms with the fact that the relationship you thought this was is over and what’s left probably isn’t worth saving. Grieve that, take care of yourself, and figure out your next steps. I’m so sorry you’re hurting.

[u/unmaskingtheself]

My tough love advice is that you have self abandoned for far too long and it’s time to choose yourself by leaving. You can psychoanalyze him all you want for being avoidant or overwhelmed or whatever, but you stuck around when time after time, over nearly 4 years, he has showed you that this is not a safe space for you to show up as yourself. Are you ready to listen?

[u/Bustysaintclair_13]

Burn it the fuck down 

[u/fireflyhaven20]

This is so similar to what I experienced with my highly avoidant and emotionally immature ex of 3 years, we could have dated the same person. 🙃

I am so, so, so sorry OP. You deserve so much better.. NEVER shrink yourself or your needs for someone else's comfort and convenience ever again.

Please seek therapy if you aren't already doing so. My ex royally fucked my mental health and self-image up and I still am dealing with ghosts and echoes from it all.

Burn it the fuck down and do not look back.

[u/Perpetualgnome]

https://giphy.com/gifs/g0mzdiXspEFYdH0ojf

[u/wildestboars]

Been there, done this. Don’t keep abandoning yourself. He can’t meet your needs and you don’t need to keep doing mental gymnastics about it. You’re not unreasonable and deserve to have the intimacy and responsiveness in a partner that you’re craving. I’m so sorry, but I think you can do better for yourself than I did and end it so you can spend this emotional energy on yourself and eventually someone who is on the same page.

[u/1ntrepidsalamander]

I mean, this guy ended the relationship a long time ago, he just didn’t tell you or himself.

I would have ended the relationship when the kissing stopped. This is someone who isn’t meeting your needs, isn’t treating you kindly, and is pushing you out of community spaces.

[u/RiRianna76]

I'm sorry he drives to stay with you for a few days due to this being a long distance relationship and he spends part of his time swooning over others partly in front of you and and even makes dates and plans with others? It seems to me from the start he's used u as a romantic vacation (difficult discussions take away from his joy of seeing u??) and as he's losing NRE you're his wingman or something.

He's not doing nearly as much as what you're doing and like to me it's not just avoidant or not avoidant, he's been ok with emotionally leeching for the fun times and not caring about the bad times he's causing u and idk, I'm an avoidant leaning mess myself but I wouldn't feel even remotely comfortable letting someone work this much for a serious relationship with me if I'm soooo fucking incapable of returning the effort.

Maybe it wasn't always like this but at least past a point, it's like all your work wasn't really about helping him show up better against his "avoidant insticts" but about carrying all the burden of maintaining the impression you're in a relationship so he can keep fun and light access to you. When you feel you miss the good parts, how much were these good parts truly him managing to show up and make you safe and how much was it the result of your overcompensation creating the appearance of a happy relationship?

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Here's the original text of the post:

Writing this as a sort of “AITA” because please tell me if I am out of line with how I am feeling.

AITA for canceling a weekend with my long-term partner after years of feeling emotionally neglected, and now feeling devastated that he seems to have withdrawn?

I (42F) have been in a long-term non-monogamous relationship with a man (43M) for about 3.5 years. We both have other partners/anchors. We are part of the same niche creative/performance community and our relationship started there. We have a deep emotional and physical connection, but our communication styles and emotional needs have always been very different.

To be fair to him: he is not a cruel person. He is reliable in many practical ways, kind in day-to-day interactions, intelligent, generous with hobbies/interests, and emotionally steady compared to me. He also has a tendency to avoid or shut down around difficult emotional conversations, especially if he feels criticized or overwhelmed.

I am much more emotionally expressive and attachment-oriented. I need reassurance, emotional closeness, collaborative repair after conflict, affection, and proactive communication. Over the years, I increasingly started feeling like I had to minimize my needs in order to preserve the relationship and avoid “heavy conversations.”

This has become especially painful because our relationship used to have a lot more physical and emotional intimacy and ritual around it. For almost three years, twice a month, every time he drove into the city to visit me, he would call me during the drive because he was lonely and wanted company. The car ride talks were one of the most consistent ones we maintained throughout. We would spend entire evenings together at community events cuddling, talking, reconnecting, then go on to have a nice weekend together, and feeling like a unit. We have spoken pretty much every day since we met except for a few short instances of “needing space,” which were always communicated ahead of time.

Over time those rituals and that emotional and physical closeness slowly started disappearing.

At the same time, he continued building connections with newer women in the community. I agreed to non-monogamy and never expected exclusivity, but I started feeling increasingly emotionally and physically abandoned while watching him offer excitement, attention, flirtation, and intimacy to newer connections that I no longer felt from him consistently myself.

I can also admit that over time I became reactive to witnessing him being so attentive to other partners even if the connection was tenuous or platonic, that I did have emotional reactions (crying, sulking, stress response), and I understand that over time that had led him to feel stressed about sharing the space - but all the rituals I asked him to help us both were rejected as controlling for example: routine check ins, boomerangs, verbal reassurance. It was all kind of framed as me being controlling of him because he was “spending the weekend with me anyway” so why was I upset that he was attentive to someone else for a few hours?”

He didn’t seem to understand that it hurt to see him holding hands with someone and cuddling when that’s not something he would offer me in the same space.

I offered to step away from the community space so he could pursue connections without the “pressure” of worrying if I’ll get upset with him for it. I realize this is me grossly over-functioning in the relationship.

Outside the shared space I also many times tried to address the lose of closeness and intimacy and was rebuffed often - eventually yes I did get pushy and emotional about it and he admitted it made him not want to be intimate or close to feel like he was “on trial” and overwhelmed. To be clear I do “angry cry” a lot but I do not believe my harsh hurt words fell into the abusive or toxic sphere - the worst I’ve called him is “kind of a jerk,” and “selfish”. He also rarely admitted that he was the one to withdraw intimacy without real cause or explanation in the first place - eventually he would admit to me he had mental health struggles or family stress at home, but a lot of the time his behaviour simply went unexplained - guys he stopped saying my name for like six months at one point. I have just felt so alone and like the only one that cared to acknowledge the changes and growing distance between us.

One recent example: we had talked multiple times over the years about someday taking a trip together related to our shared interests. We last spoke about a shared trip two weeks ago! Just this week he told me he booked that exact kind of trip solo and later told me he was nervous because it would be his first time traveling alone in almost 20 years. It was almost as if he was underscoring going by himself… when I had offered to travel with him many times in the past - something he seemed to want as well in the past, but not this time. So, that absolutely crushed me because it felt like I had been erased from a shared dream we had actively discussed together.

A month ago, he made plans to come into the city Friday night to spend time with a newer connection at our shared community space and then stay at my apartment afterward for the rest of the weekend. I tried to talk to him about it two weeks ago because I was already feeling anxious and emotionally unsafe about the setup. The conversation didn’t really go anywhere because he said he wanted a lighter conversation at the time and later admitted difficult conversations can take away his excitement about seeing me.

He never offered me a time or solution for how to have “heavy” conversations.

That comment really broke something in me emotionally because I realized I had spent a long time trying to phrase things “correctly” and suppress difficult feelings so I wouldn’t ruin closeness or create tension. But eventually things would still bubble over because the underlying issues were never actually resolved. At the end of the day it didn’t matter if I brought things up and asked for reassurance or repair or if I tried to stay positive, the relationship closeness continued to decline with only the most minimal improvements - to give you an example he stopped kissing me consistently maybe 2 years ago. So we went down to like one kiss a month unless I initiated it, but the last time we hung out he kissed me like four or five times.

So maybe it’s “emotional girl math” but a few kisses while so lovely and so welcome don’t exactly erase months of neglect. In the moment I was happy it happened and told him so but in the big picture I was still feeling like that was such a tiny step up a steep steep hill.

But he would see my complaint about “not enough kissing” and say he just kissed me last time he was here so why am I still complaining?

That’s what I have to deal with balancing - showing appreciation for the small steps and the effort he DOES show me while not erasing the larger picture of long term decline and neglect. The deficit of kisses can’t be erased by one nice weekend of kisses. Right?

So here we are!

Yesterday (Thursday morning) I realized I could not emotionally handle the weekend as planned and canceled.

I felt in my heart that I would be waiting all of Friday night for him to come home - he never volunteered what his plans were and what time he might be back, so feeling anxious and rejected about the recent trip and with no recourse for reassurance or support from him after he told me heavy conversations were a turn-off, I kind of became scared of getting upset, crying and “ruining the weekend,” when he eventually came home.

Folks, I was spiralling because after so many years of being told I am controlling and manipulative when I wanted clarity and clear plans and expectations when sharing time and space with other partners, that I felt genuinely afraid to even ask him “what time are you coming home on Friday after your meet up with [new partner]?”

I didn’t admit that to him.

Instead, I told him I felt overwhelmed, afraid to have needs, and exhausted from trying to stay positive all the time. He engaged in the conversation somewhat and asked a few clarifying questions, but after that… almost nothing.

No goodnight. No good morning. No “I’m processing.” No reassurance. No discussion about what the weekend plan now even is.

Meanwhile he still appears to have gone ahead with his plans to meet the other woman tonight. Omitting our usual long drive call, giving me just nothing at all.

I feel devastated because I have never canceled a weekend before in three years. He has canceled on me before because of relationship tension or emotional issues and I never froze him out afterward. But now that I finally hit my own breaking point, I feel completely alone.

Part of me is furious and wants to burn the entire relationship down publicly because I feel like I have spent years overfunctioning emotionally for someone who fundamentally cannot tolerate reasonable relational discomfort long enough to actually repair anything. Another part of me still desperately wants him to call me, hug me, tell me he loves me, and come home tonight.

I honestly don’t know anymore whether I’m dealing with an emotionally avoidant but caring person who is overwhelmed, or someone who has been slowly emotionally abandoning me for years while I kept trying harder and harder to s

[u/Marsijanska]

DRAKKARIS!

[u/spaceedust]

Has he been diagnosed as on the Autism Spectrum? You sound like you’re experiencing Casandra Syndrome. I just discovered this yesterday and it’s made my struggles with my husband so much clearer.

Your feelings are valid. Period. You’re not asking for too much, but you two may be incompatible for what you’re wanting.

[u/spaceedust → u/spaceedust]

A letter to those experiencing Cassandra Syndrome is a good read and really helped to provide some perspective for me and validation. It’s through a monogamous lens but easy enough to understand I feel as the man/woman aspect (from my very limited understanding of ASD) is the part that is the most applicable.

I suggest this as hopefully a slight comfort or feeling of being seen because a lot of the things you’ve suggested seemingly intuitively to him are actual suggestions and things I’ve suggested to my husband as well. It’s only now that having found a term and understanding about this particular experience is a relief in a way because I was feeling very crazy for being overly emotional. We’ve been together 12 years and I’m only just reaching this breaking point which has become a break through for both of us.

[u/MindtheCognitiveGap]

I don’t have wisdom for you on this one, but I have so much empathy for what you are living through. Gentle hugs are available if you would like.

[u/Open-Grapefruit8343 → u/MindtheCognitiveGap]

Thank you for taking the time to ready and the empathy and for the hugs.