I (32, nb) am pansexual and date people of all genders. However, I feel the need to say something because I am frequently surprised by reactions from people who primarily date men (usually bisexual cis women partnered to or primarily dating cis men). Y'all seem frequently blown away by actions that are common courtesy to people in the queer community and others who date women or all genders.

So for what it's worth: straight and bi cis women, the following actions are all either basic consent practices, common courtesy or just having some baseline of being a good partner and/or lover. They are not cause for being blown away. If these seem rare to you, you may want to up your standards:

-Asking permission to kiss you -Asking permission to touch your breasts, butt, genitals or any other part of your body -Knowing where your clit and/or g-spot are -Spending more than a few minutes on foreplay -Not stopping or falling asleep after they cum -Being invested in your pleasure in general -Not getting pouty or moody when you say no or ask to stop -Asking about your day -Listening when you talk about your feelings -Being interested in cuddling

It honestly makes me sad that these things seem so rare to some people. Men, please do better.

I'm in a few lesbian spaces online, and I regularly see posts and comments along the lines of "why is everyone poly these days?" "why does nobody want monogamy anymore?" "do I have to be poly to get a girlfriend?" etc. And it's so frustrating. I just need to vent for a minute.

It's so infuriating always being the only poly person at my workplace. The only poly person in my family. The only poly person among my friends from school. (I do have a lot of more recent poly friends.) And in these places, I'm either ostracized or a curiosity to be examined because I'm so rare to them that nobody understands me. I'm either outright discriminated against, or asked to explain why I am how I am over and over and over. But everyone is poly these days???? F off!

Fifteen years ago. I was 37. My then girlfriend (34F) were thinking about conceiving.

At the time we'd been together for 11 years. It seemed like we had skipped over a whole adventurous part of our lives where we'd be both free and adults. I proposed an open relationship. She agreed.

Long story short, it worked for me. I felt compersion, no jealousy, I was happy when she dated others. Not so much the other way around. She was afraid I'd leave her, even though I assured her I wouldn't and still loved her. And I never wanted to, even though I got seriously involved with some other women.

We did 'the work'. We went into couples counseling with a poly-positive therapist. We read all the right books. But it just didn't click for her.

By this time, I had understood my need for openness as an orientation. So with great pain and sadness we concluded we wouldn't have a child together, and we broke up.

I felt a deep, deep wound, it was as if I'd amputated part of myself. But it was for the best, I told myself. The poly circles I was in confirmed this. Mono and poly can't be compatible in the long run unless either person is willing to give up and essential part of themselves.

On top

My ex's question often came back to me, which she posed while we tried: if this is so important to you, why were you happy when we were closed? Then as now I didn't have an answer, but I told myself that i had simply not understood myself completely. Once I'd discovered who I truly was, there was no turning back.

I had good times. I'm a pretty attractive man and had no problem establishing a series of good relationships with interesting women. Some even lasted years. But for some reason or another, everyone kept being in flux. No one ever settled down enough with me to have children, and having come from a household where both my divorced parents often brought in new people, I didn't want to put my future children through the same destabilizing environment. Perhaps this is myopic on my part, but I wanted to give my children a stable, two-parent home. Children crave stability and predictability. I didn't want to give them a new set of mothers every couple of years.

Unfortunately there was no one willing to go from poly to open relationship with me. And as the years passed, it seemed like more and more of my partners were divorcees who had embraced poly as a way to 'discover' themselves in pure freedom. The fully intentional polyamorous partners I had come to expect had dwindled and I rarely met them anymore. But maybe I'm projecting, I don't know.

The point is this. I'm 52 now. I wanted to open up my relationship because I felt that by discovering more people, I would experience love in a more complete way. Instead of limiting myself to one person, and limiting that person to myself, we could discover so much more. We could spice our life with variety.

But what I really discovered is that variety might be spice of life, but not the spice of love. All things that truly matter in relationships are abstracts, they are valuable independent of material expression. Sex is great in relationships because it reaffirms the bond. Whether or not that sex is 'great' or 'boring' or whatever doesn't actually matter that much. I've had amazing sex with near strangers, and boring sex with partners I loved. I'd choose the love of the latter over the lust of the former any time.

The same goes for cuddling, dates, conversations, hobbies: at some point they become kind of irrelevant as novelties. And in shorter term relationships, they lose their meaning. It's only because you can deepen the bond and intertwine that they gain meaning. (Almost) nothing anyone ever says is truly groundbreaking, and you don't have to fuck someone to hear it anyway. So when you try to date someone more deeply, you will inevitably find you've treaded the same ground before. You talk about the same childhood stories, sharing that one silly dream you have. That in turn makes it harder to stick around, for either party, when the going gets hard. Why invest time and effort in something that you've shared with a dozen others? It never gets the chance to grow, and if it does, your poly escapades will take time away from developing your bond.

Which brings me to the genius of monogamy. It's not that it solves a lot of issues in terms of jealousy and time allocation. To me that was quite irrelevant.
No, the genius lies in pretending uniqueness. When we say 'I love you' we're saying the same thing untold billions of people have said throughout history. But by *pretending* this is a unique thing it *becomes* a unique thing. Slowly, it becomes more and more true, you become more and more of a whole, and that whole is actually quite unique within the world, much like an individual is. You could probably recreate it with others, which is what we do in polyamory, but each time you do you realize you're going through the same patterns, the same application of abstractions. And it loses its magic.

My ex found a new partner about a year later, and they quickly set to having a baby. She's now 49 and a happy mother of two, together with her partner. They have bonded, they will probably grow old together.

I'm looking at a empty future where I'm hoping to build what we used to have. But every time I date a new partner, it's so obvious I've been here before. Dates, sex, pillow talk, divulging your deepest secrets: it all becomes rote. Love is a sprint and *then* a marathon. You meet a lot of people, settle down, then bond and grow into something unique. It doesn't work as interval training.

I'm looking forward to hearing from other middle aged people who got into polyamory in their (relative) youth. Hopefully others have found happiness and stability, and provide that to their children.

Polyamory has only brought me loneliness and superficiality though. I want to be more positive about it but I can't. Soon I'll be truly old, and I will not share a home with someone who's come to known me over decades. And that's too high a price to pay for all the superficial freedom I've enjoyed.

Hello! I know this title will likely ruffle a few feathers but I’ve been really struggling with this as a black polyamorous person. Something I’ve noticed while trying to participate in polyamorous community spaces is the abundance of whiteness.

While whiteness isn’t inherently a bad thing I think the lack of diversity in these spaces can feel really isolating for people that are not white. I have tried many times to bring attention to this issue and even joined leadership in these spaces so that i can bring focus to this issue. Sadly my efforts have been ignored, I have been attacked, and sometimes even felt unsafe to attend these spaces because of the way I am treated. I wanted to add that it has been quite difficult to find other black polyamorous people or even just non white polyamorous people at least in my area which makes this a much more difficult situation for me. I’ve found that now I don’t even bother attending events or talking to other poly folks around me because I feel unsafe.

So I am asking what is causing this lack of diversity, how do we solve this issue, and why does it feel like many of my white poly peers don’t seem to care?

EDIT: I wanted to add that I am also queer, autistic, and trans femme nonbinary, and I’m first gen American… I know Im competing in the oppression Olympics. But I also think that there is something to be said about all the compounding factors of having intersectional identities.

my partner broke our fluid barrier. said they got “caught up in the moment.” we have been at this for 10 years, it’s the healthiest relationship i’ve ever had and we have worked hard for this. I have a lot of unhealthy relationship history so i’m triggered. it happened last night and he told me just a moment ago and left for work. now I have to go to work and we have a weekend trip to celebrate an anniversary we are leaving for tonight. i’m hurt, im angry, im confused, and i have no one to tell so im telling you. I hope we get through this. I just needed someone to tell. thank you internet strangers.

I don’t know how to feel about this. Honestly. I don’t know if I’m valid at all.

We are nesting partners. Married. We have a baby. We are also poly. Our boundaries are pretty normal. He sees her every sunday night because obviously we have work and a kid and responsibilities. I also see my partner sunday nights.

Today I found out that they had a threesome. I’m not sure why I feel some dread in my chest. I didn’t know about it, but I guess I don’t need to know? I don’t know why I feel this way then.

That weekend we were in the middle of a fight over something. Whatever it was, it was ongoing. Then we decided to pause. I was anxious over it. He already had plans with her so he left. I stayed at home and didn’t go out. I cried because I was sad over the fight. I should’ve paused as well but I guess we all handle our feelings differently.

He got home in the morning happy.

I found out he had a threesome a few days later. While I was at home crying over an argument we had all weekend.

We already don’t spend enough time with each other because of the baby and his work. So to know that there is energy and time enough for 2 people but not for me I guess is a big hit in the gut.

I'm a solopoly who tends to only date other solopoly people. But I'm on this sub all the time seeing shenanigans and lack of introspection from married people. Below are a few thoughts/recurring themes.

• You are married, you have a hierarchy. Whether it is the default time you have in the kitchen while you get ready in the morning or the medical, legal, and tax benefits you have or the fact that all of your families came together to celebrate your union however many years ago. You have a hierarchy. Stop telling partners (especially those new to poly) that you don't- it's gaslighting to tell a partner who doesn't live with you that it's the same- they know it's not.
• In addition to above- you are not a relationship anarchist if you are married. If you are benefiting from the tax and legal benefits of marriage- that is not anarchy. You cannot invite the government into your relationship and be an anarchist. It's like a hedge fund manager saying he doesn't believe in the banking system. People who aren't married have to figure out who will take care of them after surgery if they don't have a NP, they have to pay extra in taxes, they have to have wills in place in order to make sure any partner gets anything if they die- these are things that are BUILT into the system if you're married. You can still make independent choices on how you operate relationships if that resonates with you, but don't co-opt a term for a lifestyle with obstacles you don't have to face.
  • EDIT- Since this seems to be so triggering to so many people. If you are legally married you do not get to choose how your social security benefits are distributed after death, who is affected by your credit score, who you get to share your tax credits with, the amount of money you pay in inheritance tax, who gets access to your workplace benefits then you are not fully getting to choose the smorgasbord. If you disagree with this, dope. Love that for you. But for me, it's a red flag that someone doesn't understand the depth of legal entitlement and access that marriage gives to someone. If you disagree and just think that you can be RA because you believe it, cool. I'm not going to argue.
• Be HONEST about what you have to offer partners from the start. Stop telling secondary partners that they are equal to your wives, stop bragging about your job stability and house if you can't host, stop telling people you love them if you have no intention of emotionally supporting them if it's inconvenient to you. It just oozes of people who will say anything in order to get laid.
• Your wife/husband does not get to know intimate details of your other partners (unless you have explicit consent). It is ok to tell your NP that you slept with someone as that affects their health and safety. But if you don't have permission to talk about sex acts or share photos or stories, your compersion does not override their consent.
• If you're essentially offering a twin mattress on a floor, don't be surprised that single people aren't flocking to be your fwb on dating websites. If you have weird rules, limited time, inability to host, no emotional investment, and nothing financial to share... why would you be surprised that single women aren't blowing down your door to sleep with you? There are a million single dudes who can at least offer one of those things above that you are competing with.

Just a reminder- being married and being poly isn't bad. Hierarchy isn't inherently bad. But stop lying to people in order to sleep with them. You can still treat partners with love and respect and be married. But stop co-opting terms and lifestyles that do not align with the choices and lifestyle you lead.

EDIT: This seems to have blown up while I was asleep. Thank you all for your commiseration. I'll try to get back to everyone eventually 💙

My spouse said something the other day that really got under my skin, so I just had to get this off my chest.

Background: my spouse has had a long term partner for about five years, almost as long as we've been open.

During that time, I've gone on a handful of dates with a few different people, but I basically quit trying over a year ago because I found it to be very stressful due to difficulties between us on most occasions I went out. I was no longer enjoying it, and it felt unfair to the people I was (trying to) date. (Yes, in both foresight and hindsight, this was a poor decision; I was just so tired.)

The other day, we (spouse and I) were looking at something on my phone when a notification popped up from a nonmonogamy discussion group I had recently joined (not this one!). My spouse was taken aback.

"What's are you doing on there? Are you looking for dates without telling me?"

"No, it's a discussion group-that's explicitly not allowed."

"But you're not poly!"

"Well, I'm in a poly relationship, so I try to read up on resources."

"Relationships aren't poly-I think you're being shady."

This led to a big, long fight that concluded with my spouse essentially saying, "I'm not sure I will ever be okay with you having multiple partners."

The thing is, we already had an agreement that we could both date, and had never explicitly changed our agreement; I had simply said "I'm not super into the idea of dating right now, I've got other things to focus on." Now, even the idea of me maybe dating anyone ever again is an issue.

Obviously, we've got more fundamental issues, but this feels like my account being closed due to lack of transactions, and now I've got to go through the trouble of reopening it.

Hey all. This might be a bit long, so apologies in advance.

I (29F) have a husband (29M) of 6 years. I'm gonna call him Adam. We've been struggling lately for many reasons. But I'll list some of them because I generally want advice.

• He's been out of work for 8 months and doesn't seem to be concerned.
• He's obsessed/addicted to Final Fantasy 14 (a MMORPG Computer Game).
• When I told him we couldn't afford to pay the rent on his computer, he went behind my back and asked his grandmother to pay for it when we can't make RENT.
• We got into a minor fight about me not finding his debit card, and he forgot to hang up the phone. I overheard him talking to his Discord friends; he called me a "stupid little cunt" for losing his debit card. (We found it)
• He makes me feel like an obligation. We barely spend time together and have not had sex in 8 months.

For context, we are poly, and I have a boyfriend (34M). I'm gonna call him Kevin here. We've been properly together for a month, but have been best friends for 5 years and have had feelings for each other for at least 2 years.

I recently had a horrible tooth infection and was in miserable pain. Adam drove us to the hospital, but did not stay. Kevin held my hand, distracted me, took care of me, and generally did everything my husband (WHO TOOK VOWS) should have been doing.

Husband refused to drive me to the dentist because he was "sick" (not sick enough to not play his game), and I had to drive myself (Kevin doesn't drive for medical reasons) in horrible pain. Kevin came with and did the distracting, holding my hand, comforting.

I was in terrible pain after they removed my tooth (they didn't send me home with any meds), and Kevin comforted and cuddled and generally took care of me while Adam could only be bothered to spend time / comfort me for maybe 20 minutes.

We've talked about how I feel about all of this, and the thing is, he keeps promising to do better, but nothing really changes.

I know I shouldn't be comparing partners, but Kevin has made me realize I deserve better treatment. That love shouldn't be an obligation. He genuinely cares for me, loves me, wants to spend time with me, whereas I have to practically beg Adam for any attention, and it's exhausting.

If I do seperate with Adam, I'll probably be staying with Kevin which makes me a little uneasy as we haven't been dating long but I don't really have anywhere else to go. I can't afford my apartment and Adam isn't helping. My family lives 3 hours away and I have a job I love here. Kevin has been great during all of this, really my rock, and invited me to stay with him. Is this a bad idea? If it is, do you have any other suggestions because I dont really have the funds to move (new deposit, turn on utilities, etc).

I'm a little reluctant because I feel like I'm throwing away 6 years of my life. I don't know. I'm sorry if this is a mess. I just really needed to vent and get my feelings out. I'd love to hear any thoughts/ advice.

Thanks so much for listening. I really value this subreddit. You guys have been great. I hope you all have awesome days.

Edit: I cannot afford the apartment by myself. My family or his have been helping while he's out of work but they're all tapped out. It's why him asking his grandmother for computer money pissed me off so much.

Update: I left him. Thank you everyone. He was weirdly calm. Seemed more concerned about logistics.

My wife and I have been in an open poly relationship for the past 5 years. While she’s been able to find and date people pretty easily, I often feel like I’m just sitting on the sidelines. I’ve dated two poly people, but that didn’t happen until 3 years into our open relationship. Right now, she has a poly boyfriend and is also seeing three other poly-married guys. Meanwhile, I’m at the point where I feel desperate, and jealousy creeps in more often than I’d like to admit.

I can’t help but wonder—why is it so hard for me to find people? I guess my depression and anxiety play a role, and that makes putting myself out there even harder. I just want to connect, but sometimes I feel stuck. Has anyone else experienced something like this? How do you cope or work through it?

I'm absolutely heartbroken after being rejected because of my HSV1 status. Maybe it's my fault for getting excited about someone I was only talking to for a week. He wasn't concerned about it, but he told his fiance and she wasn't comfortable with the risk. I don't get rejected over this often but this one really hurt and I'm wondering if I should have disclosed it immediately instead of waiting a few days to be sure I actually liked this person. Still, it fucking sucks to feel like I have to wear it like a scarlet letter.

Basically, NP (29F,) and I (27F) have been living together for 6 years. We have had conversations about expectations after hosting in our shared space. My expectations are that sheets be changed and any blankets etc that got bodily fluids on them be put in the laundry bin. For a long time, it was like that! The expectations were followed! It was great!

Then our amount of sheets started dwindling (dog had a couple accidents in our bed, no problem for the waterproof mattress cover, but obviously sheets took a hit, he doesn’t do that anymore but we just…haven’t gotten new sheets cuz I don’t have the money to and NP just doesn’t care to.)

Now, when she hosts in our shared space, she expects me to just be okay with the things I was never previously okay with when it comes to Where I Sleep, and I’m supposed to be okay with dirty sheets with bodily fluids that aren’t mine, or at least mine and hers from a moment between us. For months she has not changed the sheets after because “we don’t have any other sheets.” Sure, whatever, why hasn’t she washed them? “Well I don’t have enough quarters right now to just go to the laundromat for just the sheets” which like… at that point just do the rest of the laundry??

But! Friday she hosted, I wasn’t supposed to be home (as I typically prefer not to be when she hosts) but I had a medical event the day prior that made me unable to go to work on Friday. Instead, I hung out for 3 hours in my roommates room (with permission from roommate) still in pain from my medical event, because she was spiraling when I told her what happened and that I wouldn’t be going to work and I was like “dude I’ll just go to roommates room it’s fine.”

A friend of mine came over and since I had been telling her about how we had had dirty sheets for months and that NP was hosting, my friend bought us a set of new sheets as a housewarming gift. NP and friend changed the sheets and NP seemed happy about it but there was something strange in her eyes that shifted? I don’t really know how to explain it.

And NP has been being very short, cold, and almost downright mean to me since then.

Today, I’m laying in bed still in physical pain preparing to go to work tomorrow after NP has been being mean to me since Saturday and I don’t know why, and I’m curled up under our comforter aaaaandd…. there is a MASSIVE cumstain on our comforter. She is the only one with the uh, equipment, required to do that that was involved Friday and we use condoms between us so I know it wasn’t from us. And thinking back, the bed was still made almost perfectly when Meta left Friday.

TLDR I think NP fucked meta on top of our comforter because our sheets were gross, then didn’t mention it or clean the comforter or put it in the laundry bin because she’s gotten so used to not doing that in recent months because of various excuses, and when we finally changed the sheets a friend gave us as a housewarming gift I felt a bit cleaner, just to find a massive cumstain on Top of the comforter I was all curled up in and was holding against my face. I feel like I need to take a shower and have 10,000 conversations.

So some might have seen my previous post on this, but to recap my NP/wife of 9 years (28F) started dating a woman a year ago. Over time she started pulling away from me emotionally and physically. The woman she was dating she also described as “monogam-ish” which I know was already a red flag but my NP had been so cagey about info surrounding her that I didn’t find out until a few months in.

Two weeks prior to her telling me she was leaving, things had actually started to improve. We were connecting emotionally and going on dates and she had spent most of my time with me instead of this other woman so I naively thought things were improving.

On the night she told me she was leaving, we had ordered a pizza, cuddled up and watched a movie and once it ended she let me know she wanted a divorce and that she had hired a moving van that was going to be coming by that morning. I was floored and still am, it was a really fucked up way to end things.

She told me she wanted to be monogamous with this woman. That this other woman had helped her to discover that actually she was monogamous all along and she only agreed to be polyamorous to make me happy. She said that their physical and emotional connection was far greater than anything she had ever experienced and that she knew this other woman was her soulmate.

This made me upset because we had gone into being polyamorous mutually. She never gave any indication she was just doing this to make me happy. It feels like she’s been manipulated into being monogamous and can’t see this. I told her I wanted to work on things and see a therapist together but she said no and that we were done.

I brought up the past two weeks which genuinely felt like we were falling in love again. She said that was because she had planned this two weeks ago and wanted to relive happy memories and give me a proper sendoff. WTF.

She’s already gone. I don’t know where she is but probably with the other woman. My other partner has stayed over with me the last several days and has been a huge comfort, but now I’m alone with my thoughts and keep spiraling.

I really think she was manipulated and am worried for her. I feel like this other woman took advantage of her inexperience. I feel like anyone who says poly people are manipulative has never had to deal with anything like this. Monogamous people can be just as manipulative. I am not downplaying my NP’s role in this but I firmly believe that over the past year she has slowly been pushed into this.

I’m not even sure what I’m looking for. Maybe just a vent. I look back and can see we were on this trajectory all along since she met this girl, but knowing what I know now I’m not even sure how I could have prevented it short of forcing a veto or demanding monogamy first (which I never would have done, I’m just wondering what could have stopped this).

I’m sure I’m just going to get told I’m just not good at poly or ENM but like, how does anyone do this and not just constantly beat themselves up?

My partner is on a first coffee date right now with someone who is so much prettier and younger and thinner than me. He’s supposed to come over after and like, he’s just going to look at me and think “blech” in comparison after sitting across from someone like her.

I didn’t want to know what she looked like, but she has a pretty unique name so of course she came up on People I May Know when he added her on Instagram.

Why would he still want me? He won’t eventually. I’m sorry, but this is crazy to me. Relationships are so hard already, this extra layer is really fucking me up. I know my self esteem sucks, but to have it shoved in my face with the constant idea of new people is horrendous. I wish I could thrive in this but two years in and I’m just not. Intellectually I understand it all but in practice, I just can’t.

And the best part is, is that I’m going to lose him either way. Either he stops finding me attractive compared to the constant parade of goth girls in the apps, or I go because I can’t take this.

Really great. I left an abusive marriage and fell in love with someone I thought was everything I’d ever wanted in a person, only to feel like this constantly. I guess I was wrong. Again.

We matched on Hinge a month ago. His profile clearly stated he was polyamorous and looking for a serious relationship. The connection was immediate - the conversational chemistry was amazing, we had similar interests, similar desires. He lives two hours away but that was okay, we'd make it work. We talked online every single day since then, deepening the connection. I confided in him about how I've been struggling with dating for the past 3 years because I keep finding myself with people that lack communication skills or emotional maturity and keep getting hurt. He assured me he wasn't like that, that he was serious about me, and felt lucky to have met me. I allowed myself to start falling for him because he assured me it was safe to do so. We had our first date planned for today, April 1st.

Then, two days ago he stopped talking to me. No communication whatsoever, but he's online playing video games on steam. I check in this evening, tell him I'm a bit worried that I haven't heard from him and hope he's okay. 6 hours later, he sends me a long message saying he has been spending time with someone else, their connection is great and she asked him to be exclusive "while they figure out their dynamic" which he agreed to. Oh, but good news - he wants to still be friends and gaming buddies and assures me that the door will likely be open for us again eventually.

It was the straw that broke the camel's back. I've spent the better part of the evening having a full mental breakdown. I do not know how I am ever going to trust someone again.

[EDIT: I am still reading through all your suggestions, thank you everyone. Here's some responses to broad points I've been seeing.

I am busy throughout the work week and often have to work overtime and don't have time for me and my wife to have a quality date night on Monday-Thursday. Maybe that is selfish of me, but I don't want to get back home at 8PM and try and head back out and be present for my date night with my wife when all I want to do is go to sleep. The days that work for me are Friday-Sunday. Similarly, Olivia has a busy schedule and the day that works for her is Sunday. Sadly, it just doesn't seem feasible to switch our days so that Olivia has the date night earlier in the week and we would be allergen safe afterwards. It would be great if she was free on Fridays instead, but she has a long standing friend group hangout that meets every Friday night. So switching the order of the dates does not seem to be an option.

The pasta example was just the straw that broke the camels back, I was not looking for legitimate suggestions on how to deal with leftovers or come to terms with wasting food. My wife wanted to order a dish with ingredients I would not want to eat (blue cheese), I would not want to eat her leftovers. It isn't a huge deal to me to waste food in general, but usually when we plan to go to a restaurant, we plan what we would order to make sure there's something we both like there, which I don't think is that unusual. I used that example to show how it felt that Olivia's needs being considered had crept into more facets of my life with my wife then I was comfortable with. Even if I had been fine eating her leftovers, it still would have been an additional mental tax that it was an additional logistical consideration that I didn't want to have to deal with when we agreed to pure parallel polyamory. The pasta restaurant is not the biggest stressor here, the much more important part is being unable to kiss my wife or having to adjust my diet pretty restrictively once a week every week. It was simply something that showed how overwhelmed I had become with the logistics.

It seems the biggest issue is that my wife and Olivia are going overboard with their safety protocols. I understand why, my wife has accidentally put Olivia into the ER, and while they don't know the minimum amount of safety/time before eating an allergen that works, they do know that 24 hours always works, so they are wary to reduce that timeframe. It makes me feel like the bad guy and I am risking Olivia's health by asking them to experiment with allergen exposure to keep me comfortable, but at this point I may need to make that ask because of how it is affecting my relationship with my wife.]

I (36M) and my wife/nesting partner (35F) have been doing polyamory for around five years now. We love it and have had a variety of partners over the years, and maintain pretty strict parallel polyamory where we know as little as is practical about each other's partners, which is what works for us. The issue comes up with a new partner she has been seeing, "Olivia" (32F), who's dietary needs require my wife to spend more time focusing on her and planning around her dates with Olivia, even in the time that is meant to be exclusive for me.

To be clear, I don't blame Olivia or my wife here, I think it is an unfortunate situation. Olivia has extremely severe allergies, and there have already been a few scary incidents with cross contamination from my wife having eaten her allergen before seeing Olivia. This has lead to them doing a policy of my wife not eating any of Olivia's allergens, to clear out her mouth, for a whole day before she plans on seeing Olivia. To make matters worse, Olivia has a lot of allergies and to extremely common foods, the worst one being dairy but she also has a soy, nut (peanut and tree nuts), and shellfish allergy. This means there's no restaurant that my wife can eat at while maintaining a safe diet for her, Olivia has had too many bad experiences and it seems like it is just too dangerous to gamble on if a restaurant can keep their surfaces from being cross contaminated with dairy. Olivia herself doesn't eat at any restaurants and cooks all her own food at home, and eats an extremely limited diet of food she knows is safe, which I understand.

The issue is that the buffer day where my wife stops eating Olivia's foods is frequently on a day meant to be spent with me. I love cooking, and this severely limits the food I am able to cook for her. If I do not also stick to their diet for the day, I cannot kiss my wife, due to the risks of cross-contamination. It's neither of their fault, but it causes Olivia to loom over our relationship, and it feels like every time a date night with Olivia is coming up it is poking at a tender muscle that hasn't had time to fully heal. We both prefer to go full parallel, simply letting the other know which nights we have dates planned or when we will be sleeping over somewhere else, and leave it at that. Because of Olivia's allergies, I have to adjust my own behaviors and my level of intimacy with my wife, which is starting to feel unacceptable to me.

It all came to a head the other day when I got frustrated with my wife when we were trying to plan a restaurant to eat at. There was an Italian place that we've both been meaning to try. My wife said she wasn't going to be able to eat a full dish of pasta and we tried to decide on a single dish to order to split, but we both really wanted to try separate dishes. I suggested she just take the leftovers home and eat them the next day, but she reminded me that was going to be during her buffer day with Olivia, and then she was going to be spending the night at Olivia's place, so by the time she would be able to eat dairy again the leftovers would no longer be good. She suggested we try a different restaurant with an entree we could split, and I was unable to keep my emotions in check and started tearing up a little bit. I apologized, but I felt so frustrated with the situation. Adult life and polyamory is already so busy on the calendar, and we've been wanting to try this Italian place for weeks. In the moment, my emotions overflowed and I couldn't hold back the disappointment that something as simple as going to a restaurant down the block from my house with my wife wasn't possible for me anymore. I didn't want to think about Olivia on my date night with my wife, I didn't want to have to consider her needs during the time that was supposed to be for us.

I feel awful for considering it, and don't want to control my wife's relationships, but is it reasonable for me to ask her to limit her connection with Olivia or stop seeing her altogether? The logistics of the situation make it seem impossible for my wife to appropriately hinge without sacrificing my feelings and comfort and imposing modifiers on my behavior that go beyond our agreement for parallel polyamory. I would also be open to advice about managing the allergen situation, but my wife and Olivia are very resistant about being anymore lax with the restrictions they keep in place to keep Olivia safe, and I would not want to risk her health either. Any advice is appreciated, thank you.

My husband's girlfriend visited for a long weekend a few weeks ago. The three of us have a pretty wonderful kitchen table relationship. she asked me who I see when my husband visits her, I told her the truth, no one. me and my dog chill at home, watch telly, play video games and listen to music really loudly while cleaning (especially vacuuming). I didn't really elaborate that last year I had a pretty bad break up followed by quite a devastating ghosting and I've decided to take some time to myself, wait until I'm eager to put myself out there again kind of thing. she said that sounded pretty boring and like my usual weekends. later she asked if I was alright, when I asked why she said it was really sad that I spend my weekends alone, getting high and playing video games with no one but my dog for company....luckily the dog couldn't hear this. I mean it's just while my sports aren't in season. Should I be doing something with my weekends alone, am i wallowing!?

I didn't think there was anything wrong until my meta seemed really concerned. which has me spiralling I guess.

My (26NB) primary nesting partner (34M) of two years wants to go no condoms with his partner (31F). From the beginning I’ve expressed that I practice poly as no condoms with one person, and condoms with everyone else. I take my sexual health seriously. This is non-negotiable for me. He’s agreed to this the whole time, never said anything otherwise. Last month he hinted around wanting to go no condoms with his meta. I was shocked, because we’ve always agreed on this.

Well, last night he hit me with it. He wants no condoms with her. He feels like I’m constraining him and trying to control him. He thinks if I don’t green-light this it might affect our relationship. He doesn’t like how they feel: he says condoms are uncomfortable and it’s always been a goal of his to be able to not use them with another partner.

I just cried. I don’t even know what else to say. I cried and said I was uncomfortable, this has always been non-negotiable for me, he’s always been on that page with me and I don’t understand why he’s changed his mind now.

Quite frankly, I’m at the end of my rope. I’m tired of this shit. I feel like if I don’t give in he’s going to resent me. If I do give in, I’m going to resent myself for letting up on a boundary that is extremely important to me and that I’ve communicated from the beginning. I’m so tired of this shit. If anyone has any experience with this, good or bad, I’m all ears. I’m just so fucking done.

Update: thank you all for your input, I’ve read every comment and I’m about to have a ball in therapy.

Update II for context: some people have pointed out that this is probably bigger than condoms, and you’re right. This comment is copy/pasted from below:

“There’s been a lot of unmet needs. Work stress has tanked our sex life, I feel like I barely see him even though we live together, and we have conversation after conversation of both being unhappy with our sex life and amount of quality time together. And then last night, after we had another two hour conversation about the fact that we have sex less often than we want and we don’t spend enough time together, that’s when he brought up wanting to not use condoms with his meta. It felt like a slap in the face.

Part of his point was “the more you let go and let me do this with my meta, the better our relationship will be and the more likely I am to feel more engaged here.” And I just… I don’t like that.”

I’m already kind of unhappy here, I’ve been unhappy here for a while, and this just feels like another straw on the camels back. I don’t know how to “let go” any more than I already have.

The solution is to either trust that he and the other partner will take the safety seriously, or start using condoms with him. But his whole reason for not wanting to use them is that he finds them uncomfortable and doesn’t like them. I fear we’ll stop having sex altogether, and that’s a difficult choice to make.”

…

Anyway, lots to think about. Maybe it’s not condoms, maybe it’s that I feel like my relationship is dying and this is another nail in the coffin. Again, thanks for all your comments. I’m working through the replies.

(Disclaimer: this vent is about the treatment of polyamorous people in general but has most to do with my point of view and experiences as a queer polyamorous person and within the queer community)

For most of my life I thought that beyond discrimination in law, most people just kinda don't get it.

But whenever a discussion about polyamory pops up, everyone is quick to make the entire conversation about either how horrible we are because they personally have a bad experience with polyamory, how horrible we are because they personally don't want their partner to see other people, or how poly people are just trying to excuse cheating.

I'm familiar with these conversational rethorics because I've seen them used to spin conversations about trans people's experiences. People who are prejudiced at best and bigoted at worst will jump in trying to hijack any conversation about a certain group's life experiences and discrimination to make it all about how they personally don't want to be sexually involved with that group. It's never helpful, called for or considerate of the subject. And I guess it's used on many gender, sexual or romantic minorities.

It's not my very first time experiencing hate and stigmatization in spaces that are meant to be safe and accepting (I'm also bisexual), but I've been warned about biphobia and introduced to its talking points in theory long before I experienced it myself. I didn't get to have that when it comes to how monogamous people treat polyamory. I still know how to respond to it, but it's hurtful nonetheless and it just fucking stings to know I'm hated even in spaces that are meant to be my own community.

I'm new here so I'm not sure if linking is OK but there's this super trending tiktok about poly people having a "poly look" and it's opened the floodgates for people to talk crazy about poly people. Bringing up every stereotype and basically saying they're all ugly and push it on everyone. Any poly person that responds to the og vid is labeled "LIKE THIS 😭" as in "these are the ugly poly people we're talking about they're all like this!!!" It's pretty fucked up imo. I think I'm attractive but right now if I speak out and don't look perfect people are prolly gonna drag me and that just sucks lol It's basically just bullying and very obnoxious.

Edit: please refer to the tag. I'm both VENTING and preparing yall for a possibly very harmful trend on the way.
Tbh this vent is a long time coming for me personally just in general. I don't know that many poly people and all I've ever really seen in my entire life is negativity and hate towards being poly. I've never talked to anyone about this stuff in my life.

Again, I'm new here let me live lmaooo

This is part vent, part advice. I (31 nb) am demisexual and pansexual. I don't care about your height, weight or how conventionally attractive or not you are (same goes for many others out there, I promise). All I care about is that I like your vibes and that you're working on yourself.

I'm also fairly slutty. I have a decent-but-not-sky-high bar for emotional maturity, and that bar is the same for all genders. Plus, it's been so long since I've dated a man that it's really starting to seem appealing. So.... where are all the emotionally available men at???

Men. Please. It's been so long, I'm dying here. All I'm asking is that you meet the same standards that all the other people I date routinely do. But you all turn me off the minute you open your mouths (sometimes sooner if there's something off putting about your body language). And the few men I've met or dated who do meet the bar are all saturated as fuck and don't have time. Like I said, it isn't even that high; most of these men have about an average level of emotional intelligence in the broader dating pool of all genders, but in the pool of men they're such slim pickings that they have beautiful people falling all over them.

Do you want to be one of these incredibly saturated men? Work on yourselves. Go to therapy. Find worth in yourself and others outside of sex and relationships. Genuinely care about others outside of what they can offer you.

Some men reading this might not like this, but if reading this made you angry or bitter, that's kind of case in point. The good news is, despite what you may think or have been led to believe, it isn't as difficult as you may think. If you work on yourself, you have a much better chance of finding fulfilling connections. Good luck.

POV: You are going through a traumatic abortion - excessive and constant bleeding, nausea, extreme cramps, and your LDR partner who you got pregnant with is there to help you get through it. In the middle of this hellish time he randomly asks you to return a pair of earrings that he gave you on your birthday - there was a mixup, you see, he’d bought these earrings (for himself) with your meta, and she apparently has an emotional attachment to them and thought they were to be shared between your partner and herself. She likely saw you wearing them on your birthday instagram post and is upset, so because your partner is leaving to go home to her, it is important he sorted this out before he goes and brings the earrings back with him, hence asking you now.

Please, Reddit, this has got me fucked up. Am I overreacting to be feeling utterly unhinged (pun unintended)?! Why am I now stressed about my metas earrings while I am going through one of the most painful experiences of my life?! I am lying here in disbelief, how can I make sense of this.

Edit: this is a VENT. if you do not have anything nice or helpful to say, move along please.

Holy shit I dont even know how to start this. This is so unexpected, Im floored and at loss all at once. Advice is appreciated, especially from people who have been on hormonal birth control.

Okay. Im 24f, my girlfriend, Purple 26f, and I have been together for 7 years. My boyfriend, Green 27m, have been together 3 years. Purple and I had a great sex life when I discovered feelings for Green, this IS important later.

Green is my first male sexual partner, I was not on birth control when I met him. He and I did not have sex until till we were 2 months in, using condoms. After discussion, we decided we wanted to go without them, so I brought up birth control methods with my gynecologist. I landed on the depo shot.

Im too forgetful for the pill, too forgetful for the nuvea ring, I dont want the IUD or the implant and I'm pretty firm on that. So I get my first shot, I wait the designated time as directed, and Green and I start going without condoms. It was great ngl. Sex with Green was amazing, sex with Purple was still amazing.

But shortlt after getting the shot, suddenly problems are coming up in the bedroom with Purple and I. She didn't smell the same to me, taste the same to me. I noticed it the first time when she and I were making out, about to have sex. But when we were kissing, I just could NOT get myself into the mood. I started crying MID MAKE OUT. I told her I wasnt in the mood. I was worried that sex with Green was changing my preferences on what I liked in bed (I didnt share that part with her though.) In hindsight, my preferences actually have not changed very much at all... I still like all the same stuff, just... its harder with her. And literally since that moment, I have had difficulty remaining present during intimacy with Purple, or getting into the mood with her at all. This has been really difficult for us, we havent had sex in a year. Luckily we love each other deeply and we are seeing a couples therapist. We also have other kinds of physical intimacy, cuddling and regular kissing. But anything beyond making out, I feel like Im in fight or flight mode and I didnt know why until yesterday...

I found out hormonal birth control can affect your olfactory instincts that help you choose a "mate" (terminology from the study I read.) Holy. Shit. And there are tons of women this happens to; they start hormonal birth control, their partners begin to smell different to them, and lose attraction to, or even become repulsed by their partners.

Im so sad that this has happened to me, that I didn't even know it COULD happen to me. Im sad for Purple, who has been on the other end, worrying if I'm attracted to her, worrying if I still want her. And worst of all, I dont know what to do about it... I think Depo really is the best method of BC for me, and I dont WANT condoms, I hated them, they were so uncomfortable. I dont want Green to get a vasectomy either, because he and I dont want to rule out the possibility of children.

Luckily I am not REPULSED by Purple, but her natural scent is off-putting to me in a way it wasnt before. Ive tried scented lube and dental dams, and those worked sometimes, but again, my focus during intimacy was impossible to overcome.

I dont know if anyone has experienced anything similar, I dont know if Im looking for advice or solidarity or what. But Im crushed with this realization, knowing what it has done to my relationship with Purple. I am also relieved, knowing that nothing is wrong with Me. Im going to talk to my therapist, and my gynecologist, and a doctor. But god damn... I am so frustrated and sad, and missing my sexual relationship with Purple.

Thank you peoppe of reddit for reading my weird story. It feels weirder because of the polyamorous aspect; if I were monogamous with her, I wouldnt even be on BC. If I were monogamous with him, this wouldnt be an issue (starting BC didnt affect at all how he smelled to me.) Im just. I WANNA TEAR MY HAIR OUT.

immediate edit: Please do Not suggest Purple and I break up. She and I are set on wanting to work through this.

Even when you do everything right, have open communication, clear boundaries, respect for the couple and their rules, regular check ins, you still get tossed aside like trash the minute the primary feels insecure or decides they don’t like you. I don’t want to add more negative posts to this page but I’m just so frustrated and needed a vent.

This is v silly but this term has icked me out for the longest time. I don’t know why i have such a distaste for the name but I feel like there are so many other word combinations to describe what this means. Can we all brainstorm something different lol