New to Poly

[u/michirutifa]

Hi! I apologize if this isn’t allowed. My partner (30M) and me (30F) are new to poly. We’ve had threesomes in the past, but nothing that ever turned into a relationship.

We met this girl recently that we both hit it off with. It felt like she met our relationship very well.

The last time we all had sex was good. But I noticed my partner really enjoyed it. Like really. Like they’ve never sounded like that with me or have enjoyed themselves that much.

Long story short I ended up asking them what they would rank the sex with our new partner. And they said a 9. When I asked what they would rank sex with me, they said a 6.

I know it was my fault for asking the question in the first place, but I also felt like I just needed to hear it bc I was already thinking it anyway.

My question is, is this something to take pause at? Should we discontinue the relationship until I can work on my hurt feelings/jealousy. Or is this something that we should consider working through? TIA

[u/Alo-mina]

If you’re uncomfortable seeing your partner enjoy themselves more with a new person, group sex may not be for you. What tools do you have to manage jealousy and insecurity? Can you have separate encounters with your new partner? Are you and your partner a package deal for a serious relationship with this new person?

Also, it sounds like you already learned this, but it’s unfair to make your partner compare you to someone else. Even if they compare you favorably, that’s disrespectful to the person who’s being compared behind their back.

[u/michirutifa → u/Alo-mina]

Thank you for your reply. I think that’s the thing I’m most disappointed about. Because I like the idea of group sex, but maybe it’s not for me.

Honestly, I don’t have a lot of tools. I do therapy, but I do just naturally have a lot of insecurities (which are not my partner’s responsibility to fix). I think the biggest thing is I feel replaceable. Because why have sex with a 6 when you can with a 9. Does that make sense?

Honestly, we haven’t talked too much about me exploring on my own. Right now it is a package deal sort of thing.

Yeah I definitely get it’s unfair. Part of me still feels justified bc I knew I was right. But I also don’t want to disrespect anyone either

[u/DebutanteHarlot → u/michirutifa]

You should not a “package deal.” That’s unethical.

Do more research. Date separately if you really what this. Do the work of de-coupling or you will do yourselves and this woman a huge disservice.

[u/michirutifa → u/DebutanteHarlot]

Thanks for your reply. I’m going to do some research. If you don’t mind, what would potentially be a reason it would be a disservice? Like is it more so that it puts her a disadvantage power wise?

[u/DebutanteHarlot → u/michirutifa]

Yes, it absolutely does. You and your partner have your entire history and relationship together. She has none of that. If you haven’t already read these articles, I highly recommend you do so.

Dating as a package deal not only hits a power imbalance, but also can force someone to date and fuck someone they don’t want to in order to stay with the other. Ex - what happens if one of you breaks up with her? Will the other have to as well? Bc that’s not fair to anyone. Also, it sets the relationship up as a “us + her” from the beginning, and not four, separate relationships that each need to be nurtured and cultivated.

unicorns-r-us

From the POV of the unicorn

[u/michirutifa → u/DebutanteHarlot]

What you are saying makes a lot of sense. Thank you for the articles. I’ll start there when it comes to this topic.

I appreciate it!

[u/DebutanteHarlot → u/michirutifa]

Yw and good luck.

I want to add that, and I think it’s important to distinguish here that there’s nothing wrong with triads as a whole. Triads that are formed organically and ethically are fine. It’s when you and a partner date together and try to force a third person into your already existing relationship, that it gets to be unethical.

[u/Alo-mina → u/michirutifa]

Your partner isn’t doing anything wrong by enjoying sex with someone else more than you. They shouldn’t have told you that, but some people struggle to resist answering direct questions. Your partner chooses to be with you and I’m sure there are many things that they love about you. You can ask your partner for reassurance that they love you and want to be with you. You can also ask them what would make your sex life better for them.

I would encourage you to get some tools to manage jealousy. Multiamory has a two part episode with 50 tools.

In polyamory, it is largely considered ethical to present as a package deal for casual sex, but unethical to do so for a serious relationship, because of the ways the third person is disempowered.

[u/michirutifa → u/Alo-mina]

I agree with you. Especially bc out of the 3 of us, I have the least experience. This is only the third person that I’ve ever been intimate with. So I realize there’s just stuff they do that I don’t.

I guess I’m just trying to make sure I’m not ruining anything. I don’t want my partner to stop having fun. I guess I just selfishly wish it was with me.

Otherwise the relationship is great. Our partner has experience dating in other systems, and she’s great at communication and openness. She’s also just a cool person and I really don’t want to lose that part of the relationship.

Thank you for that link! I’ll definitely be taking a look at that tonight.

I also had no idea bout the disempowerment piece when approaching as a couple. I will definitely educated myself in that area as well.

Thank you so much!

[u/socialjusticecleric7 → u/michirutifa]

Thanks for being chill about having that pointed out!

[u/socialjusticecleric7 → u/michirutifa]

Well...I don't think you necessarily have to write off group sex forever, but I do think paradoxically it's easier for people to emotionally manage group sex when there's less at stake. And "we're a couple and we might want a three-way relationship with this new person" means there's SO MUCH at stake.

Here look, on some level, some part of you is going to be worried your partner will decide he wants to be with New Person instead of with you. This is not an unreasonable fear. Sometimes in polyamory people do leave a partner they've been with longer and stay with a newer partner, and sometimes there's a causal connection. But it's also a fear that's going to be way, way more intense if you have to see your partner having sex with New Person -- whether New Person is dating both of you or just your partner (and on that note, if you're dating as a package deal because you think that'll mean more security or less jealousy, it doesn't work that way. Ultimately there is no way to be polyamorous that doesn't involve confronting insecurity, jealousy, and fear of being left.)

Although, oooof I cannot get over your partner rating sex with you as 6/10. I really want to say there's lots of things in relationships more important than above-and-beyond sex. But. Also. 6/10.

[u/socialjusticecleric7 → u/michirutifa]

There are some things I'm curious about. You don't have to answer anything that feels to personal, of course.

How long have you and your partner been together, btw? Did you start out poly? If you became poly, what were some of each of your thoughts and concerns (like...is your partner really opposed to the idea of you dating men? bc tbh I do not have a great deal of respect for men who really like the idea of sleeping with more than one woman, but who don't want their partners to sleep with any other men, and no it is not "equal" or "even" if you're also attracted to women or even more interested in dating other women than other men.)

...and, I mean, how's your partner in general? Do you generally feel comfortable expressing yourself with him? Does he make an effort to be a good lover? Does he remember the things you like when it's your birthday or w/e? Do you feel safe expressing concerns and complaints to him, and do you two have a good track record of getting through conflicts? Do you overall feel better about yourself, and/or like a better version of yourself, since you started dating him? Does he do his share of the chores? Does he ask you about your day?

(You'll notice I'm not asking anything about New Girl. There's nothing wrong with New Girl, at least not from what you've said here, and you're not going to be able to do poly effectively by vetoing people that you think your partner finds too attractive. But "should we be doing polyamory at all?" and "if so, how should we do it, what agreements should we have together?" (and on an individual level, "what boundaries should I have?") those are all pretty significant questions.) (anyways, you might want to call a halt to the poly thing, but what New Girl is like shouldn't really be a factor in that decision, is all. And in general, it isn't good to open and then close again after you/your partner met someone because you got feelings (getting feelings is, again, pretty much inevitable in polyamory), so if you do that, next time be a lot more cautious about saying you're open to polyamory/a new relationship.)

[u/michirutifa → u/socialjusticecleric7]

No worries! I’ll try to answers as best as I can. We’ve been together almost 8 years. We did not start out poly, but we have talk about potentially exploring for a couple of years now. We recently were learning more about the lifestyle from a close community of kinky/polyamorous people in our area (we actually know a lot of people in this particular community). We definitely don’t know everything and are still on a learning curve.

My biggest concern was that my partner might end up liking someone more than me. I’ve tried to work on it for a while (outside of dating), and I thought I was doing well during the first 3 months of the triad. Up until now actually.

I think my partner’s concern was that this might not work out for us. He thinks that it would be me who would ruin/break up the relationship bc of my insecurities.

My partner doesn’t really seem to mind if I were to date other people. We’ve thrown around the idea, but never seriously sat down and combed it through. I actually was the one with the crush on our now partner. But we approached her together (which I’m now realizing was not the most ethical thing to do).

The thing is, I really do want to give this an honest go. I don’t want to end things just because she’s a better sexual partner than me. Although, this is really hurting my feelings now. I do genuinely enjoy her as a person. And it’s nice getting to develop our own relationship.

My partner is very sweet. He’s supportive. He remembers little things and does help a lot just in life in general. I honestly think that I burn him out a lot asking for reassurance, so I’m trying not to right now. I really want to be able to fix this on my own.

The rest of your reflection questions are great! I’m going to ponder over these along with all the other helpful info I’ve been given today. Thank you!

[u/socialjusticecleric7 → u/michirutifa]

Thanks for answering!

I'm glad you know other people who are practicing polyamory, I think it's very important to have people you can talk to. (Outside of your relationships/polycule. Do try to avoid complaining about one partner to a different one.)

My partner doesn’t really seem to mind if I were to date other people....
My partner is very sweet. He’s supportive. He remembers little things and does help a lot just in life in general.

OK, that's a relief.

And I do very much understand the insecurity thing, it's a very common experience. (There is like infinity advice on this. Most if it is under "managing jealousy" and then immediately clarifies that "jealousy" is often actually envy or insecurity or FOMO or something else. If you want I can give you my general managing feelings spiel.)

A bit of advice I saw on a different polyamory-related post that made sense to me, is that while it's recommended to go into polyamory carefully (at least as a couple, people can often get away with winging it a bit more when they start poly-dating as single people), with a lot of reading and preparation and "most skipped step" stuff (ie spending more time apart before dating is thrown into the mix, so that the loneliness can be faced on its own before jealousy gets mixed in and before anyone else's heart is on the line) sometimes people do sort of jump straight in and try to figure it out as they go alone. It's not exactly the low drama approach, but it is an option.

While you're doing research, also look up what people have to say about hierarchy. Granted, people have a lot of different opinions (and a lot of different definitions of what hierarchy even is), but if you hang in there you'll notice both some areas of general consensus, and some distinct self-consistent positions.

Best wishes!

[u/DebutanteHarlot]

You shouldn’t have asked that and your partner shouldn’t have answered.

That being said, date her separately first. Triads are four separate relationships, not “she met our relationship very well.”

[u/SquirtleSquadGroupie]

Check out the pinned resources on r/polyamory, there are a lot for opening up your relationship!

[u/LifeEncountered]

Beyond the great feedback so far.

Sex is one component of relationships. From a swinging mentality, sex is central. Sex was the one aspect you felt a desire to compare.

From a poly perspective, sex is one part of many. Of course each partner brings different and unique values. As you build a relationship with each as individuals, these differences will be seen. If you are building a polyamorous connection, think holistically; with each individually. Seek out all traits that build connection.

Additional, include the time component. Every part of your relationships will ebb and flow. Today that is her experience. Later things often shift. Newness wears and familiarity and security may influence that same answer (even though it want a fair question)