Rant that I hope is allowed?

[u/Amateurph0tographer]

I wish there weren’t so many expectations on us honestly. I’m going through medical stuff right now so I’m exhausted and grumpy but like society hates us, the queer community tries to bury us, and it feels like every post I see around the internet about being butch is just some chivalrous white woman who says if you don’t do literally everything for your femme your not a butch. I’m just sooooooo tired of feeling like a lesser than butch just because I’m an equal with my gf and don’t also look like I live on a construction site. Sorry rant over.

[u/Donut-Boxers]

i've been leaving and rejoining butch spaces because half of the posts are some version of "am i butch enough if i dont ______?" and it just feels like being shoved into yet another box, idk, you're butch if you feel butch imo, im not strong enough physically to do half the stuff ppl say they expect of us, and not mentally well enough to work the same jobs either. it took 25 years to get over "i cant be a he/him lesbian so i should just be a man" and leave being a stealth trans man just to get shoved into another space full of "you must do this" and i feel like we need to stop, society has progressed past the need for these boxes. i take personal pride and joy in being a butch in whatever way that means for me, i hope you can feel better and see your own personal victories as well

[u/Amateurph0tographer → u/Donut-Boxers]

Thank you. Idk being autistic I just never really fit in anywhere but I feel like myself when I call myself butch and it’s nice. It’s just all the people who turn being butch into an aesthetic that irk me because I’m a broke little ill person LMAO. And I don’t have any butch friends so I never have anyone to talk to and like reassure myself with that I am like cool being myself. I appreciate your comment a lot ❤️

[u/Donut-Boxers → u/Amateurph0tographer]

this is why i call myself a frailbutch (instead of a failbutch), disabled butches need to stick together, we're not any less butch because we have different capabilities or inabilities 😤

[u/gard3nwitch]

I do feel like some people try to recreate straight relationship social norms in the worst way. Just because someone is more masculine or more feminine, that doesn't mean they need to do some 1950s housewife and husband thing. I mean, if that's what you're into, go for it, but it's not necessary.

[u/birdateer]

Stop looking at posts online and you'll stop having to deal with most of this, honestly. Online queer discourse is bizarre.

That said, "don’t also look like I live on a construction site" is a bit rude.

[u/taurusmoon99]

I've also found all too often when I see posts online about wanting butches it's like "my butch should do everything for me so I never have to lift a finger, I want a butch so obsessed with me they'll do everything I say, etc." And as a disabled butch I find it disheartening that there's this expectation to be the big strong lesbian who does everything for everyone and never asks for anything in return? Like rarely do I see people talk about wanting to take care of their butch but we deserve to receive the same level of care as we dole out!

[u/Fit_Hovercraft9877]

My Butch is the softest ever

[u/waveybirdie]

I think people also forget that things like chivalry are taught, and not inherent. It depends so heavily on how you were raised and what you’ve been taught. Back when we had more lesbian spaces, butches learned this known chivalrous behavior from other butches. But what are we supposed to do now when few in person spaces remain?? Since it’s such a cultural thing, it’s a bit silly to make chivalry an expectation or requirement for butches.

“Chivalry” in the classic sense doesn’t come natural to me because it literally was never taught. My family was progressive and I never really associated things my parents did as being inherently masculine or feminine. My dad didn’t even teach these types of values to my brother. We were both taught to be kind, helpful, and to care, not because of a gendered requirement but because that’s how they wanted us to be. My mom was also the breadwinner in our family, so I’ve never understood the idea of the masculine one being the “provider”.

Opening doors for others is obviously still very much taught, but other “chivalrous rules” like always paying for dinner, pulling out another’s chair before sitting down, always walking on the side of the street— that’s not always taught today. There is nothing wrong if you did learn these rules and like to follow them, but it’s silly to place the expectation on butches today that they absolutely must follow them or they’re not butch.

It’s also important to recognize the autonomy of those on the receiving end. My gf would be uncomfortable if I was the only one doing these things, because she likes to do it back. And when men do this to me, acting like by opening a door and saying “ladies first” they should be awarded some sort of high honor, I personally get annoyed and feel infantilized. Respect is just so important.