To have a third or not

[u/mysterious_kitty_119]

We have a 1yo (who I’m still breastfeeding and waiting for cycle to return) and 4yo. I’ve just turned 40, partner is almost 40.

We both agree we want a third. Him more so than me. But as time goes on, I feel less certain that it would be a good choice, even though I still *want* a third. Firstly, time is obviously not on my side, and we have had 4 losses previously, including a traumatic second trimester loss. If we were to have another later pregnancy loss (ie later than a CP) then that would almost certainly be the end of it. And given my age, more losses feel basically guaranteed.

With 2 kids, things feel pretty good and manageable most of the time. I’m worried that adding a third will be a lot harder than adding a second was.

We have no family support as we are on the other side of the world, although are planning to move back home next year. Even then the support would be limited as both my mum and MIL are toxic and we are low contact with them. My partner has struggled somewhat with the reality of having kids, and while I will say he has improved a lot in sharing the load, a lot of it still rests on me.

A big part of me worries about what the future will look like, what with climate change, AI, the state of global politics etc. We are lucky in that we can probably plan to defend against a lot of scenarios, but still. I guess there’s no point worrying about the future but I do feel troubled to bring more children into a world that currently feels like has a precarious future.

Anyway, just needed to get my thoughts out somewhere. Advice or thoughts from those in a similar boat welcome.

[u/boo1517]

Would adding a third affect your finances in a negative way? I don’t know where you are in the world but would a third child cause issues with transportation or space in your current home (I know you said you maybe be moving back.)

Is your 4 year old in preschool or when will they start school? If and when your oldest goes to school that will change your dynamic and may make it easier on you having two kids are home versus all three.

If you actively start trying again, like you said there is a chance you will have losses. Only your husband and yourself can make that decision if you can handle the possibility of another loss or losses. Best of luck OP.

[u/mysterious_kitty_119 → u/boo1517]

Financially we should be ok. I’m actually SAHM with both kids full time. Oldest would start school next year but we are considering home schooling and I guess we would finalise that decision after we move home. 

We could definitely not have a third in our current home without a concrete plan to move and have more space. Moving back home would solve that as houses there are larger by default but also we’d likely be moving either while heavily pregnant or with a young baby. 

[u/MechanicNew300]

No one can really tell you since it’s so personal. I will say I think the real possibility of more losses would probably be too much for me. I made the decision to stop at two due to medical issues, we needed to do IVF, and I had significant complications following the second birth. The very real chance of more issues as I approach 40 and healing gets harder, plus the two other children and my husband to think of and be there for, made me decide to stop at two. Do you think you could juggle a medical issue or loss and your other children? It’s hard, I decided I probably wouldn’t want to risk it. More children is so exciting and would bring joy, but the practical won out for me. It was also easier because my husband is firm he doesn’t want another.