Looking to hear from the OADers that changed their mind

[u/Alert-Ad2974]

Has anyone here been so absolutely positively one and done because their first was so difficult but went on to have another? What was your experience like and when did you change your mind?

I have a very spirited 13 month old who has given us hell pretty much from day one. He was a colic baby who had reflux and CMPA, a terrible sleeper to this day, and very emotionally high needs when he’s awake.

We love him dearly and have done our best to adjust our lives around this new reality (though I will say 0-9 months almost killed me) but I still torture myself with guilt of not wanting to do this again.

My husband could go either way, he wants him to have a sibling, I want the same for him but I know that can’t be my only reason. I also had severe PPD, failed at breastfeeding, and overall just feel like I suck at this. And a small part of me wants a redemptive experience, although I know that’s not guaranteed.

Looking to hear from people who felt similarly.

[u/Fwayfwayjoe]

We didn’t have any family support until my son was 1.5 when we moved closer. Then he was a terror until age 3. Around 3, he just became the sweetest little boy and I realized that all the hard work of trying to socialize this feral animal had paid off and I started to feel like maybe I’m a good parent. We just had our second a few months ago and it’s going so much better than I expected. But we formula fed our second from day one to make it easier. I don’t know anyone who breastfeeds that’s able to enjoy their life with a newborn (not saying they don’t exist, I just don’t know any of them). Needless to say, absolutely no regrets.

[u/proteins911 → u/Fwayfwayjoe]

Breastfeeding my 2nd was lovely! She was a quick eater and it was so nice to not worry about making/cleaning bottles. Just pop her on a boob for 5 or maybe 10 min and nurse. It made it so easy to take both kids library, science center etc from day 1. I had a really nice 1 to 2 kid transition and do think that breastfeeding was part of what made that transition so easy.

All of this said though, I realize that not all (or even most) breastfeeding experiences look like this. My first son struggled to latch and I did a lot of pumping for the first month. Just throwing out my experience so people can know that this is a possible outcome too!

[u/evil_gigi → u/proteins911]

This is really great to hear! I also failed at breastfeeding with #1 and I am not sure I would try again if I have #2

[u/hapa79]

I was firmly OAD after my first - a lot of the same struggles that you describe. I did end up having a second; they have a 3.5 year age gap. My second was overall much easier as a baby, but I still had another two years of severe PPD and it's been hard. Like you, I hoped for a redemptive second go-round and that is absolutely not what happened. The burdens just multiplied.

My oldest is easier now that she's older (for the most part - not entirely). She's still reactive and has challenges regulating her mood, isn't a good sleeper, and has anxiety. But at the same time I can kind of see now why being a baby/toddler/preschooler/young kid was hard for her. There's an old soul part to her and it's like she's growing into herself as she gets older.

That doesn't necessarily speak to the "do I have another" aspect, but I wanted to offer a little encouragement in that aspect. Also, you don't suck at this! Some kids are really truly harder to parent. The people who think that isn't true have only had an easy kid. ;)

[u/Alert-Ad2974 → u/hapa79]

Thank you for your honesty. Curious, was your PPD treated but still persisted that long? I was thinking of trying to get ahead of it next time with medication (if there is a next time)

[u/hapa79 → u/Alert-Ad2974]

I didn't use meds the first time (but probably should have). I did the second time, after about a year. They weren't a magic bullet or anything but they helped keep me alive. I honestly got more relief after also treating what I came to realize were perimenopause symptoms (the joy of being an old parent, lol). It was a real clusterfuck though, and there are things that meds can't touch like the existential lack of freedom that happens when you become a parent.

[u/Alert-Ad2974 → u/hapa79]

Totally agree, meds pulled me out of my acute mental health crisis but couldn’t fix the fact that I hated my life still lol

[u/spookiecake]

Hey, I am in your position. I had the world's most difficult goblin baby. I also had a traumatic birth experience that almost killed me. Not only did an abruption land me in the hospital and end in an induction four weeks early, he got stuck, I had a crash c section, and a severe pp hemorrhage during which I nearly died.

He was colicky, I struggled to breastfeed, he had severe reflux, GI and feeding issues so difficult to work around we got an upper GI Study done. Add to that he's always been a terrible, terrible sleeper. Months 6-13 were the very worst with hourly wake ups and split nights and I cried so much in his nursery, broken and desperate for sleep. I had ppa as well.

I was adamantly OAD. But my husband wants another. My baby is 26 months old and I'm only just now kinda sorta considering it. It's why I joined this group. Maybe if I hadn't almost died I'd be more on the yes side of the fence, but I'm so scared of losing my family to a uterine rupture or another hemorrhage.

On one hand I'd love to experience this love again, I'm obsessed with my son and to get more of that bottomless love of a child, to see their personality emerge, to get to know them, to see them grow, I'd love that. And the appeal of a redemptive experience is huge for me as it is for you. What if I had a good labor this time? What if I got the golden hour, the skin to skin, what if the healing wasn't torture, what if I got a baby that slept? What if the post partum wasn't so fraught?

But what if I didn't and what if it is?

I wish I had answers for you and for me but just want to tell you that you're not alone. On days when my son is a real gremlin I think God what if I was pregnant right now??? What if I had a newborn?? Ugh god no thanks!! I also love pouring everything into my one baby and not needing to ever have him go without or miss a thing due to a sibling. But I still can't say my mind is 100% made up and it's driving me nuts.

[u/kymadu]

I was OAD as well, I was miserable for so long because he was miserable for so long. But then something wierd happened and I woke up and he was like, cute and stuff? He was 3.5. it just slapped me in the face that allllll that hard effing work I put in was sitting right there in front of me asking if I had a good night sleep.

What changed my mind (and again, it took 3.5 years) was that hell if I can do that and the pay off only took 3.5 years, I guess I can do that again since 3.5 years isn't nearly as long as 50+ on the other side.

Even if the revelation came earlier, It wouldn't have changed my mind. The needs I have meant I couldn't do it before now: We're (mostly) out of diapers, he is starting kindergarten, he can handle plenty of things on his own, listens well, and actually has since he was 2. He's excited to "help" and will understand when mom or dad needs an extra minute. I guess I'm saying that until my first was at this level cognitively, I wouldn't have considered a second.

We're committed now so yea!

[u/KaylaDraws]

My first was a very colicky baby, and I had really bad postpartum anxiety for his first year. Like 8 months in I got on medication and my anxiety improved over the next few months, but I was certain that I didn’t want to experience the newborn stage again. The whole time I had felt worried and like I was a terrible mom. Then when my son was almost 3 I still felt like I was one and done, but my husband asked if I would give a second baby some thought. So I did. And eventually I realized that I did want another and I didn’t want to be done having kids just yet. We decided to have one more, so now we have a two month old and I couldn’t be happier. Getting my anxiety in check improved my experience so much, and I feel like I’m getting the sweet newborn experience that I’d hoped for the first time around. It’s still been difficult for sure but I’m not frantically googling how many layers baby needs to wear and things like that since I remember them from before. I already know how to take care of a baby. 

[u/Otherwise_Release306]

My first was hard for a number of reasons; delivery was hard (he came out with his arm first and that created a big tear); recovery was painful for 2 weeks. Newborn stage was a mess bc breastfeeding = nonstop suckling (at least for us and 99% of moms I know personally) including nights. That meant sleep deprivation. Then tantrums with lots of biting and hiting. We changed our minds when our kid hit age ~6 bc I realized I could 1) handle pain; 2) do some.things differently that would make my life easier (i.e., we chose EFF this time); 3) we can stop applying gentle parenting wrong haha; and 4) I can get out of my own head and stop trying to be a perfectionist.

Now that I have my second, the delivery was much harder, with some horrible complications but I did indeed handle it better, meaning with less anxiety. Also, it's early days but formula seems to be working much better so far because we have longer stretches of sleep, I can do turns with husband, older child gets good amounts of time with each of us and even the whole family unit. Also, I'm not afraid to shush the baby to sleep haha (the version of gentle parenting I was initially inhaling said that shushing = not letting the babe feel their feelings = therapy in the long run).

[u/tacotime09]

Our first was 6 weeks early and was up multiple times a night until 14ish months to eat. He would only sleep if held during months 1-7 and so we split nights for agesss. It was terrible. We were both so sleep deprived we agreed week 6? 7? that despite wanting two before that we were never doing this again. And then we hit month 15 and he finally gave us our first 6 hour stretch of sleep. He slept through the night at least half the time starting around 17/18 months and wow, things felt so much easier with a full nights sleep again.

We like toddlerhood much more than infant hood it turns out, so him finding words and using sign language and communicating was a game changer. We started feeling another was possible when he turned 2 and pulled the trigger on having a second a bit after that. Our second is now 15 months. They’re exactly 3 years 2 weeks apart.

The first year for the second was hard (but in different ways). This baby sleeps better but logistics and recharge time got harder to juggle. We’re seeing light again as we approach toddlerhood again. Our second is the giggliest kid (when not hangry) and seeing our two interact and love on each other is something I can’t even put into words. The second time through babyhood has confirmed we’re not willing to do it again for a third, but we’re happy we went for our second.