r/Shouldihaveanother • u/booogetoffthestage • 14d ago
Advice Every mom in my workplace is OAD
All the senior women who have had a child in my workplace have only had one and they make it seems like a dream. They're constantly traveling for work or for pleasure, make tons of money, go to a boat load of conferences and international meetings. AND they are still a mum and have a great relationship with their child. It seems like such a sweet spot. I'm 32 with a 3-year-old and I'm finally getting into the intermediate level of my career and starting to get sent to conferences and work my way up. I love my career and am on the verge of a promotion. I was on the verge of one at my last one, but got pregnant and that was quickly abandoned (I then switched jobs after 18months leave - a mat leave offered here in Canada). I feel like having another will make career progression impossible. I have no worries leaving my one kiddo with my very hands on husband, but leaving him for work stuff frequently with two kids seems cruel. He says he's fine with it, but it just seems like a lot.
I feel like having just one kid is the sweet spot for career success. Thoughts?
28
u/nastyweather 14d ago
I work at a big tech company, and most of the women aren’t moms. And the ones who are usually have just one child (me included).
It’s the men who tend to have more than one kid.
9
16
u/athousandships_ 14d ago
I honestly think it's getting harder to have a progressing career with an increasing number of kids. I personally feel that I could work more and take on more responsibility if I had only one instead of two. But I personally love the level my career is at right now and I don't want more right now, so instead of trying to get promoted I'm gonna have another kid lol. There are successful women with many kids, but for me personally that would be just too much going on in my life.
10
u/Legitimate-Oil-2162 14d ago
After my first and second I still cared about my career. After the third I actually went back to work at the office full time. And to be honest, I could not care less about career progression. And it is not even so much of an issue of being overwhelmed as my partner currently is a SAHD, but I would just so much rather spend time with my family.
7
u/Nightowl_1995 14d ago
For me, I think one child fits beautifully into moving forward in your career for both parents. I had soooo many accomodations between my disability and difficulty with finding childcare, it's easier to find childcare availability as they get older, and I feel like finally I can breath and accomplish more at work. I value my career, and I think if I had a second child that would be a setback (could be temporary, could be permanent). These are just a few of my thoughts as a working mom!
6
u/hapa79 14d ago
As someone with two kids, I agree with your assessment.
I have more flexibility in some ways than other working moms (but lack the financial rewards - I'm in higher ed). Most of my oldest's friends are only children and at least from the outside their lives look way more sustainable in all ways (mental, emotional, financial, etc). The people I know with two or more kids who seem to be doing okay have either way more money and/or local family support to make it sustainable. We've got zero family around and I notice that disparity constantly.
3
u/booogetoffthestage 14d ago
Yeah I think the support makes a huge difference. We have family around but our parents are just too old (and starting to lose critical thinking skills which freaks me out when it comes to watching my LO) or in poor health. So we have some help for sick days (I work from home and am around while someone is watching them) but not much else. And we're not far enough along in our careers to hire help. Maybe in about 10 years but that's a long time from now, respectively.
At the end of the day, my career isn't my main driver in life (it's just a job and having been laid off before, I know how tenuous it all is). But I am also very active in my hobbies and social life and do know that those will be sacrificed. I truly love the balance we have right now, but I also picture having a fuller dinner table down the road, so to speak. I'm at a fork in the road and greedily staring at all the figs. Ugh
2
u/hapa79 14d ago
I get it - I had two years of severe PPD after my first and still ended up feeling like something was incomplete. (And then I had my second and two MORE years of severe PPD.)
It's been a horrific brutal slog. It's better now as my kids have gotten older; my oldest just did an awesome job comforting my youngest about some disappointment when they came home from school. But holy shit there's also been a lot I've given up along the way that's really never coming back - freedom is a big one. If we had the finances to travel more that would go a long way in terms of my life satisfaction.
I don't have to routinely travel for work though. I have been out of town a small handful of times, leaving both kids with my husband, and you do just have to pay for extra support (if needed). But, husbands are also parents! And they can parent, by God. It's okay for that to happen even if it's also stressful for all involved.
1
2
u/FrnklyFrankie 13d ago
I feel this is a bit of a random response but your comment made me realise that we are torn in two directions exactly because we don't have a village or family around. On the one hand, it's almost impossible to imagine how we would manage a second without any help. On the other, we hate the idea of leaving our son without any siblings, as his extended family will mostly live on the other side of the world, no first cousins, etc.
7
u/cirvp06 14d ago
You also have to consider (which maybe you already have) that getting pregnant and having a baby will unfortunately set you back concerning traveling. At some point, you’ll be too pregnant to travel, and then at least for me, I wasn’t ready to leave my daughter until she was a bit older (breastfeeding but also just not emotionally ready)
3
u/booogetoffthestage 14d ago
Oh yes, that is definitely on my mind. I bf my daughter for 2.5 years and would want to do the same with my next which means limited work obligations. It's tough and definitely set me back a bit
3
u/cynical_pancake 14d ago
Same is true at my work and we decided to be OAD. I love the lifestyle and balance it affords for both my husband and I and our only is very happy. I have some friends with two who are crushing it at their high powered jobs too though, so I’m sure if it’s something you and your husband really want, it could be doable.
1
u/booogetoffthestage 14d ago
It does seem to be like some people manage to nail it, which is why it's so tempting!
4
u/queer_princesa 14d ago
My partner is out of the country for work this entire week and I'm taking care of our 3 kids by myself while working part time. If your husband says he wouldn't mind watching 2 kids while you travel, why not believe him? Unless you have other reasons for only wanting one child.
1
u/booogetoffthestage 14d ago
That's a fair thing to call out. I have strong people pleasing tendencies so I have a hard time letting other people shoulder the work. I have a hard time seeing him deal with parenting burnout even though I know that's life and I experience the same
0
u/overthinker1331 14d ago
Working part time is a lot different than juggling a full time job and child care. Most of the people I know with more than one child usually has one spouse who either works part time or has a much less demanding job. Or one parent is not working out of the home at all. Most mothers I’ve seen that have demanding careers and more than one child usually had them very young and then I guess started really building their career later on when the kids were older.
1
u/queer_princesa 13d ago
Until a few months ago I worked full time with 3 kids. So yeah I know a lot about the juggling you speak of.
Plenty of working class Americans work a lot and also have more than one kid. It's a privilege to be a SAHM for most
2
u/PEM_0528 14d ago
I think this dependent per person and career. There is no right answer. If your dream is to climb the corporate ladder and that includes being away from home a lot, then maybe OAD makes sense. If your dream is to have a career and be more available at home, maybe climbing the corporate ladder comes later (or not at all for some).
*you/your being used as general terms for anyone. not necessarily OP
1
u/Dry_Philosopher5509 13d ago edited 13d ago
I’m very happy with my career progression and I have two children. I am in a senior role with no desire to move into management while my kids are still young, but I’m qualified and am given acting opportunities so I’m sure if I ever want to make that move, I will have a decent shot at it. My two are 5 years apart and I was also almost OAD but am so glad we went for it. Their relationship with each other is my favourite thing ever. Even at 5 years apart they play with each other. Edit to add I also travel for work for a week-ish once a year. I was worried the first time I left my husband with the two, but he’s more than capable and it has been fine , even good for his relationship with them.
1
u/bookishmeow 13d ago
First, I’d like to say that any choice you make that is best for your family and lifestyle is the right one! I am an executive at my company, I manage a team and multiple functions, and I have two very young children. I will say, you need to hire help—we have a nanny, a housekeeper, a landscaper, etc. You make trades the bigger your life gets. Would I rather garden myself? Yes. Would I rather spend more time with both my children? Yes. Would I rather stay longer at conferences instead of getting in and out quickly? Yes. But you need to balance in a way that doesn’t drive you mad at the same time! I understand why OAD is attractive, I enjoyed that very much. But I absolutely love having our two babies, and I have not experienced any career setbacks because of our newest addition. You are still quite young, I am almost 40, don’t rush yourself 😊 Good luck to you!
1
u/kiiwwii12 14d ago
This makes sense. Even having one kid and a career requires sacrifices one way or another. You’ll have to send your child to daycare or have a nanny if both parents are working. Unless of course your partner stays home. But either way, it’s not you raising them full time but someone else. So with two kids, yes it would be much harder I imagine. Unless you outsource more of the parenting since you’ll have the financial means.
0
u/LucyThought 14d ago
If you want to have your career more than you want to procreate again then that’s a fine choice.
25
u/candyapplesugar 14d ago
The more you make the more you can afford help. Most of the more successful people I know have many kids, and help too. I’m OAD but not for career progression reasons x just enjoy a simple easier life.