DINOSAUR PORN

[u/neutronknows]

Eager to celebrate the Death of EL NOT SO TERRIBLE on the night sweet baby Jesus popped out of Mary's vag, Vic meditates inside his safe place. His beloved incarcerated and his little ones having been sent home for their Winter Vacation he finds himself all alone with nothing but himself. Or so he thought...

scene opens inside "Vile" Vic Studd's Kindergarten Classroom. There our hero sits at his desk, leaning back in his chair, belt unbuckled as he takes big whiffs from a large plastic jar of white glue while the immortal Billy Ocean's "Caribbean Queen" plays off of his iPhone. The fumes are intoxicating. Billy Ocean's sweet rhythms hypnotic. Vic slides his hand down towards his unbuckle pants as he takes one long, deep inhale.

Vic: (sniiiiiiiiifffffff) Oh God yes... that's the stuff...

Suddenly the door to the classroom swings wide open and a smoking hot older woman comes barging in; dragging a demonic looking little boy behind her. Vic quickly throws the glue across the room at the wall nearest the door right passed the MILF's face. She jumps in shock as it slams into the wall next to her... giving Vic just enough time to buckle his belt and zip up with her none the wiser.

Hot Mom: Eek! What the hell was that!?

Vic: Spider on the wall. Fucking things bite the kids. I will NOT have them in my classroom.

Hot Mom: Oh..

The hot mom takes one last glance at the wad of glue dripping off the wall before chalking it up and putting it out of her mind. She points towards the corner of the classroom where most of the toys are kept and gives her son a gentle nudge towards them. It's grown up time... well... a grown up attempting to converse with Vic Studd time.

Hot Mom: Mr. Studd, may I speak with you for a minute?

Vic sizes up the buxom MILF and leans back in his chair. He thinks back to his class roster notes and his eyes narrow... Brayden, Brayden Razzleberry... annoying little shit... refuses to conform to lesson plans... But not in the delightful, rambunctious way that Ray Ray or Tyreke try and slow the progress of education... nah, this kid is a school shooter waiting to happen... damn those are nice tits... Lisa. The tits names are Li-Sa.. Vic gives the head staring above those two magnificent sweater puppets a wink. If there's one thing Vic has learned in his over 40 years on this Earth, it's that tits don't like being stared at... unless you're at a titty bar... or the bitch is a freak... or if you've had one too many Amaretto Stone Sours...

Vic: For you, Ms. Razzleberry. I have 5.

Lisa: It's MRS. Razzleberry. But please, call me Lisa. I want to talk to you about the completely inappropriate assignment you gave the children to finish while they're on their winter break.

Vic's eyes dart back and forth. "Assignment?" He hates grading shit. Most of the time he just gives them arbitrary animals as grades. "That's a great picture of a hairy fire truck! Oh, that's your mom? Well then, here's a sticker with a cheetah on it!" If only most humans were as easily manipulated.

Vic: You'll have to refresh my memory. I was high as a giraffe's pussy that day.

Lisa: The... I don't even know how to describe it without being... VULGAR.

Vic: It's just us here baby girl. Try me.

Lisa: The dinosaur assignment.

A light bulb goes off in Vic's head.

Vic: Oh shit yeah! The coloring books. What's the big deal with- HEY! Brayden, the fuck man!

Vic hops out of his chair and storms over to little Brayden. Several dolls and stuffed animals are duct taped in a circle with a bunch of ripped up construction paper piled up around them while Brayden feverishly tries to ignite a match and set it all aflame.

Vic: The fuck you doing? Trying to burn up the carpet? You know they dock my pay for shit like that. If you want to light something on fire, do it the fuck outside.

Vic pulls Brayden up by his coat and shoves him out the sliding glass door. He returns to his desk and resumes staring at Lisa's plunging neckline. Interesting... she didn't even bat an eye at the kid trying to light the room on fire. She doesn't give a shit about anything anymore... Vic can work with this.

Lisa: Look, Mr. Studd? Or is it Vic? I prefer, Vic. Vic, I knew what we were getting into having an educator of your... "eccentricities" teaching the children. And I'm hip with it. I don't consider myself a "helicopter parent". I'm more of a... "Free Range Mother" if you will.

Vic glances down at Lisa's crotch before resuming eye contact.

Vic: "Free Range Mother"? Like... a hairy pussy?

Lisa: What? Eww... no. It means I let my son make his own choices. His own mistakes.

Vic: You mean like naming himself Brayden Razzleberry? That kind of mistake? Or trying to light my classroom on fire? Cause you're doing a bang up job if that was the ultimate goal.

Lisa: How DARE you! You are NOT going to turn this around on me. Just look at THIS and you tell ME if you think this an appropriate coloring book for a 5 year old!

Lisa reaches into her handbag and pulls out a stack of coloring books with pictures of dinosaurs on them... dinosaurs that are shall we say in flagrante delicto. They're fucking.

Lisa: Just what in the hell are you trying to teach our kids with... "Triceratops & Bottoms". Hmm?

Vic tongues his cheek before reaching over and flipping through the pages. He stops somewhere in the middle of a picture of one triceratops jamming one of his horns into his life partners' ass.

Vic: I'm sorry. Do you have a problem with fags?

Lisa: Excuse me!?

Vic: Look Lisa. Everyone fucks weird to someone else. Not my fault you're trying to raise your kid to be an intolerant fagophobe.

Lisa: Homophobe.

Vic: Call it whatever helps you sleep at night. I stand by my decision as an educator. Ain't nothin' wrong with a couple burly triceratops scratching the inside of their rectums with their own horns. Is that all, Lisa?

Lisa: No.

Lisa slides another coloring book over to Vic. He holds it up and reads the title.

Vic: "Tryanalsoreass Rex". Seems harmless to me. I thought we were on board with Brayden making his own choices. His own mistakes.

Lisa: Argh! Fine... what about "Rise of the Megalodong" or "Grab Your Anklosaurus!"?

Vic thumbs through the pages and grits his teeth.

Vic: Damn... Megalodong ain't fuckin' around. Don't see too many coloring book centerfolds.

Vic turns the coloring book sideways like he would a Playboy . His eyebrows perk up as if to say... "Huh... not too shabby."

Lisa: I took the liberty of confiscating all the books you gave out to the class. And they're all just as offensive. "The Asteroid is Coming and So Am I", ring a bell? Or how about "Jurassic COCK", hmm?

Vic: I see where you're coming from. As a man of integrity I'm going to give it to you straight. I got a bit of confused. Looking back on it, ordering coloring books off of PornHub may not have been the wisest decision. The keys on my computer don't exactly function at 100%. And it makes typing things in the search bar kind of a bitch so I rely on getting around the old interwebs via long established bookmarks.

Lisa shakes her head confused.

Lisa: Confused? How do you get confused with titles like "Clever Girl on Girl", "Pangaea Nights: The Moist Planet", Or "Backdoor Anal Sluts of the Mesozoic Era"?

Vic: Umm... let me take a look at that last one.

Lisa hands over the "Backdoor Anal Sluts of the Mesozoic Era" to Vic. He thumbs through the pages, and let's out a whistle as he gets to the end. All the while, Lisa is tapping her foot ready to combat any excuse Vic would try and muster.

Lisa: Well?

Vic: Well...

Vic rises to his feet and sweeps all the Dinosaur porn coloring books off of his desk, along with his lesson plan folder, pens, pencils and close to everything else he had on there. He leans forward and stares intently into Lisa's eyes.

Vic: I'll make you a deal. What say I make sure Brayden gets ALL Orangutans the rest of the semester and in return you forget this whole assignment ever happened.

Vic winks and then licks his lips seductively and smiles.

Lisa: The fuck does that mean!? Give him all orangutans?

Vic chuckles to himself and shakes his head at Lisa's blissful ignorance.

Vic: Oh Lisa... orangutans are only the highest sticker a Kindergartner can achieve here at Claremont Montessori. And I guarantee, your boob... excuse me, your boy... will have nothing to worry about.

Lisa's eyes narrow as she ponder Vic's offer.

Lisa: For the rest of the year.

Vic: What was that?

Lisa: Orangutans for the rest... of the YEAR.

Vic's flashes Lisa a skeptical look. The bitch is buying it. Time to double down. Vic chuckles again.

Vic: Well then sweetheart... I think Fisher Price's See 'n Say summed it up best when it let the world know, "The Orangutan Says.... OOO OOO OOO!"

Vic grunts like a monkey at Lisa and tweaks her nipple outside her tank top. Her mouth drops in shock as she reaches up and slaps Vic across the face.

SLAP!

Vic grabs Lisa by the arms and pulls her in for a sloppy tongue filled kiss. She jerks her head away and slaps Vic again.

SLAP!

In a surprising turn of events, this time Lisa grabs Vic by either of side of his head and this time she pulls him in for a sloppy tongue heavy kiss. She follows it by shoving Vic's head down, in between her breasts, and proceeds motorboating his face with those glorious fun bags.

BrrrrrrrrBrr!BrrBrrrrrrrrrrr!

Vic pulls himself away and this time he slaps Lisa across the face.

SLAP!

Vic: MRS. RAZZELBERRY! How dare you!

Lisa reaches up reflexively towards her reddening cheek. She is breathing heavily, her bountiful breasts heaving up and down. She's not exactly sure what the fuck just happened.

*Vic: Trying to seduce an educator in order to further your own son's education! What kind of example is that to set for your child? I thought you were a Hairy Pussy Mother?! WHAT KIND OF PARENT ARE YOU?!

Lisa eyes go wide. She takes a step back. Seriously, what the fuck is going on?

Lisa: I... no... what? ... the coloring books...

Vic slams his fists into the desk and Lisa jumps back.

Vic: Coloring books!? COLORING BOOKS!? I think those are the least of your concern, don't you? You're fucking married, Lisa.

Lisa: Oh My God... what have I done...

Vic walks around the desk and puts a reassuring arm around the distraught, Lisa Razzleberry.

Vic: Look. I'm willing to forget this whole thing ever happened. Its the Holidays. All the Christmas shopping. Family coming into town. We all get a little crazy this time of year.

Lisa: I guess so...

Vic walks Lisa to the door and shows her out.

Vic: Dealio! Now run along. Don't forget little Sandy Hook lighting the jungle gym on fire, and have a Merry Christmas!

Lisa: We're Jewish.

Vic: Mazel Tov.

Vic slaps Lisa on the ass, shoves her out, and closes the door behind her. He lets out a huge sigh.

Vic: Whew! Now. Where were we?

Vic strolls back to his desk, picking up "Backdoor Sluts of the Mesozoic Era" on the way and takes a seat. He unbuckles his belt and starts flipping through the pages.

Vic: Well, hello there Veloci-Faptor...

scene fades to black...