House Party 2/23/2015 [Part 1/9]

[u/brianwantsblood]

A brand new, fancy schmancy video package begins the stream!

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LIVE! | Minneapolis, MN | Streaming via WiR.com

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The show opens to the First Avenue Club in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Allen Paisner stands in the center of a ring that is completely surrounded by fans, packed like sardines, leaning against the ring apron. We see from the hard camera there is a stage with a curtain and a few steps, which leads to a small, old WCW-style ramp that connects directly to the ring apron.

Paisner looks around at the standing room only crowd and cracks a smile.

Paisner: You know what… It’s cold a fuck here dude.

Half the fans in the building all yell out their individual responses. Of course, we can’t make out any of them and it just sounds like a lot of noise.

Paisner: Well I mean, we were in Miami last week so –

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOO!

Paisner laughs a bit.

Paisner: What? Miami’s… nice.

Again, half the people yell out their own responses.

Paisner: But you know what’s really nice? Minneapolis.

Crowd: YAAAAAAAY!

Paisner holds up the Mick Foley cheap pop thumbs up.

Paisner: Look guys, it’s great to finally be here in Minnesota for the first time, and –

Crowd: YAAAAAAAAAAY!

As the cheer dies down, a single fan is heard yelling, “thanks for coming!” and for some reason, everybody laughs. Paisner does too.

Paisner: You’re welcome, sir! We came for you! Just for you! Everybody else here, fuuuuuuck you! - nah, I’m kidding.

Everyone laughs again, and Paisner is grateful everyone noticed his joke and didn’t take it as him turning on them.

Paisner: Ha ha, and you suck it (he crotch chops), and you suck it (crotch chop), and youuu suck it (crotch chop).

Paisner bursts out laughing and the fans do as well.

Paisner: I don’t know why but I’ve always wanted to do that.

He shrugs.

Paisner: But anyway, it’s great to finally be here. And I know that shit’s been really hectic the past couple of weeks, but honestly –

Some fans begin to boo at just the thought of you-know-who.

Paisner: But honestly guys, I just kinda wanna, like… have fun tonight?

Crowd: YAAAAAAAAAAAY!

Paisner: Yeah like I’m already sick of all this nonsense, man. And I’m sick of long-ass promos starting off House Party. Oh wait, woops.

The crowd laughs again.

Paisner: I haven’t been that long, have I?

Most people yell out “no!”

Paisner: Alright, whatever. But seriously, if we could, and I’m talking to you fans, and even maybe the boys in the back… If we could all just kinda relax tonight, drink a few beers and have some fun, I think it would be beneficial to everyone, don’t you think?

Crowd: YAAAAAAAY! DRINK! DRINK! DRINK!

Paisner: So let’s do this. Sir, let me borrow your drink really quick. Sorry, I won’t drink it trust me.

Some guy in the front row leaning on the ring hands Paisner his beer. Paisner smells it.

Paisner: Phew, I can smell the roofie from a mile away.

The crowd laughs and he points to a girl near the guy he just took the drink from.

Paisner: Don’t uh, yeah. Yeah this one, nuh uh.

The girl looks embarrassed but laughs anyway.

Paisner: So ladies and gentlemen, for the sake of the show and my mental health, I would like everyone in this building and if you’re watching at home on WiR.com, raise your drinks and toast… In hopes that some day this too shall pass and we’ll all be one happy family again!

Crowd: YAAAAY!

Everyone holding a drink raises it and takes a swig. The crowd then all cheers. Paisner hands the man back his drink.

Paisner: Now that everyone is hopefully a little looser… This is WiR House Party, and please… ENJOY… THE SHOW!

Crowd: YAAAAAAAAY! WIR! WIR! WIR!

Ring announcer Javier Babaganoush enters the ring and Paisner hands him the microphone. However, he takes it right back.

Paisner: Ladies and gentlemen, the greatest ring announcer in the business today, Mister Javier Babaganoush!

Crowd: YAAAAAAAAY! JAVIER! JAVIER! JAVIER!

Paisner hands him the mic and leaves through the fans to the commentary table, which is situated on a balcony next to the hard camera, looking over the ring and the fans. In the ring, Javier is basking in his overness.

Javier: Ladies and gentlemen of Minneapolis, Minnesota…!

Crowd: YAAAAAAAAAAAY!

Javier: YOURRRRRRRR opening contest is a tag team matchup, scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit! Your referee is Ivan Itchicock!

Itchicock comes waddling down through the ring entrance, tucking his shirt in. An ominous theme hits over the speakers. A monster is coming to the ring. The crowd pops for the track because it's awesome.

Paisner: (just putting on his headphones) Hello, Mark!

Woodbridge: What’s the deal Pais!

Paisner: We’re kicking off House Party with some good old fashioned tag team wrestling. And who says I don't give the fans what they want?

Woodbridge: I dunno. That was quite the heartwarming intro, there, Allen.

Paisner: Oh, well thank you.

Stark and Logan appear on the stage running to opposite sides of the stage. They pump up the crowd. The crowd politely responds to their raise the roof attempts with polite applause. They swap sides on the stage and pump up the opposite sides of the crowd. The crowd is now no longer applauding and are merely politely waiting for them to get on with it. They run down the ramp and leap over the top rope. Their manager, Ethan Brooks stands in the ring with the microphone.

Brooks: Ladies and Gentlemen of Minneapolis, Minnesota, put your hands together and stomp your feet for the most incredible, the greatest, the future tag team champions of the multiverse, weighing in at 430 pounds, Logan Balor and Xavier Stark, GENESIS!

Both members of Genesis pose with their fists raised on the second ropes facing the crowd. The audience greets them with a smattering of applause and a few reassuring thumbs up. Ethan hands the mic back to Javier.

Woodbridge: Future tag champs of the multiverse, everyone. See them now, while they're still human.

Paisner: Exciting, dynamic young men.

"Sipping" By The Boondocks plays over the PA and the Moonshine Boys step out, slugging moonshine from their moonshine jugs. They gesticulate at the crowd and Joe Bob spits a wad of Copenahgen at the crowd. The person that it's sailing directly towards blithely sidesteps and it plops on the ground. The crowd are no longer scandalized by the outlandish behavior of the Moonshine Boys.

Javier: And their opponents, from Ada Oklahoma, weighing in at 479 pounds, Joe Bob Nelson and Cletus McCoy, THE MOON SHINE BOYS!

The crowd gives a polite applause.

Woodbridge: Remember when these guys were undefeated?

Paisner: Yeah, they were red hot for a little while.

Woodbridge: They looked like they were going places before their legal troubles cost them all their momentum.

Paisner: Can they get it back with a win here tonight?

Joe Bob and Cletus set their jugs of Moonshine down beside Maurice, he shoots the jug a sidelong glance of disgust. They roll into the ring and pose. Cletus takes his spot on the apron and Stark does the same.

DING DING DING

They circle each other for a few seconds. When suddenly, the front doors at the entrance way burst open revealing the silhouette of a hulking figure. A nearby security guard rushes the entryway only for a fist to fly out, knocking the security guard out cold.

Shadowed Man: Surprise Cock Bag!

The figure stomps into the First Avenue Club as the crowd parts before him like the Red Sea.

Paisner: Goddamn it.

It's "Vile" Vic Studd! Dressed in a shabby, disheveled brown suit that looks like he's been sleeping in ditch the last few nights. Vic marches down to the ring, shoving fans out of the way. He is fucking pissed.

Woodbridge: Oh Jesus, what does this prick want?

Vic starts talking shit to the fans, before he spots the moonshine jug sitting on the ring apron. Joe Bob Nelson is yelling at him.

Nelson: Tha fuck ya doin' out here, ya old geezer!?

Vic walks past him and holds up his middle finger without even turning his head to address Joe Bob. The universal signal for "Go fuck yourself, I'll deal with you in a minute." He strolls over to the moonshine jug. He pulls it up to his mouth and takes a lengthy chug, swallowing the disgusting fire water with only a slight grimace. Joe Bob flips out in the ring. Cletus McCoy stands on the apron, confused and yelling.

McCoy: Hey! That there's our moonshine!

Joe Bob sticks his head out between the middle and top rope, screaming at Vic.

Nelson: You gone deaf old man!?

Vic takes another swig from the bottle and produces a lighter from his pocket. With a flick of his bic, Vic spews the foul concoction through the flame into the face of Joe Bob Nelson. A fire ball engulfs the redneck's face as he falls back, screaming in agony.

Crowd: OOOOOOOOOOOOH!

Paisner: Sweet Moses! He just singed the eyebrows off Joe Bob Nelson's face!

Woodbridge: It’s gonna be one of those kinds of nights.

Cletus hits the floor and charges Vic, who ducks his wild swing and kicks him in the balls. He grabs Cletus by the back of the head and brings the base of the bottle down onto the bridge of his nose again... and again... and again! The bottle doesn't break, but Cletus's nose is shattered in a pulpy red mess.

Crowd: OOOOOOOOH!

Woodbridge: So much for the Moonshine's comeback.

Cletus slumps to the floor in a bloody mess as the crowd look on in horror. Vic rolls into the ring as Joe Bob is stumbling to his feet, still blinded by the fire. He turns around and Vic swings the bottle in a roundhouse motion, connecting with the side of his head as the bottom of it breaks off, lacerating the side of Joe Bob's head as he falls out of the ring leaving a disgusting red stain of blood on the ring apron. His alcohol laced blood pumping out at a torrent pace.

Paisner: Well... at least that jug is done for.

Woodbridge: Think again.

Vic holds the bottle by it's neck, turning the jagged end toward Genesis and their manager, Ethan. The light dances off the razor sharp end of the bottle as the uneven teeth of death wait for someone’s blood.

Studd: Get out of my ring or its going to start looking like Halloween up in here.

Logan holds his hands up and backs out of the ring. Ethan can't believe his proud warriors are backing down. But they are. Stark and Logan drop off the apron as they walk to the back. Ethan yells at them.

Brooks: Come on guys, you could take this guy down! There are two of you, he's just an old man! This could make you!

Brooks doesn't see Vic come up behind him as he berates his tag team. Vic lashes out and grabs Ethan around the neck and drags him over the top rope into the ring. Ethan screams in terror as Vic holds the broken bottle up to his throat. Logan and Stark beg Vic not to hurt him and Vic retorts by spitting in their general direction. Ethan is sobbing uncontrollably as the fumes from Vic's breath magnify his impotent terror.

Paisner: Damn it, Vic, come on! He isn't a wrestler!

Vic tears Ethan’s shirt and suit jacket off and throws him to the mat in front of him. Vic steps forward with a gleam in his eye. Ethan reaches out and tries to scramble out of the ring.

Brooks: Logan! Xavier! Help me!

He reaches out to his friends and partners. They stand frozen with fear staring up at "Vile" Vic Studd as he approaches Ethan with hunger in his eyes. Vic grabs Ethan by his hair and pulls him to his feet. Ethan yelps in panic and fear.

Studd: I'm gonna gut you like a fish.