Nation of Miscegenation - Negotiation

[u/neutronknows]

scene opens inside a lovely looking modern office with a large window looking out into beautiful La Jolla, California. There we find our heroes, “Vile” Vic Studd and Erik Von Jarrett seated in modest office chairs engaged in a heated discussion.

Erik Von Jarrett: All I’m saying is, what possesses someone to make another person’s face into a lamp? It’s fascinating. Or even carve off their face and put it on your face!

”Vile” Vic Studd: I’ve had the urge to cause damage, especially emotionally. But never skin them alive and make their face into like a lamp shade or a couch cushion. I think it has more to do with the relationship with the mother. Like you hate your mommy so you’re constantly trying to recreate that feel of killing your mom, over and over and over and over.

EVJ: I feel like if I hated my mom I wouldn’t want to put her face on my face. Then I would just repeatedly slam my face into a mirror and that does no one any good.

Studd: I mean what it really boils down to is wanting to plow said mother because of the absence of affection or maybe she wouldn’t let you have Pop Tarts for breakfast 5 out of 7 days a week. Like, in the mind of the killer if you can masturbate to the kill later, its not really a crime. You feel me?

EVJ: I FEEL like I would be more playful with it. Like kill people based on the fact they look like a character piece from “Guess Who?”. Garrote them from behind and ever so gently whisper, “Guess who…” as I strangled them to death. Then leave the game piece in their pocket.

Studd: Hmm… I like where your head is at. Or what about the Mr. Potato Head Killer? Just hack up people’s bodies and stick an arm up their ass, glue their dick to their forehead. Have a foot coming out their chest. You could even leave them in a bathtub full of milk with a banana sticking out of their mouth to really drive home the whole cereal killer thing.

EVJ: Why not both? I mean assuming we tried our hand at serial killing I bet we could get pretty far. We could cover all sorts of board games and toys. Then we could still use the abused childhood defense and stave off execution IF we got caught. Like we can set up elaborate SAW like contraptions. Like forcing some fat guy to eat his way out of a Candyland Prison until he developed diabetes and his body just slowly fell apart.

Studd: Or force someone to climb out of an incinerator with a ladder only to fall down a chute into a woodchipper! How about you? What do you think, Mister…. Cow Sake was it?

The camera spins around to reveal a horrified Asian businessman sitting behind his desk. The look on his face is abject horror having obviously been exposed to EVJ and Vic’s psyche for far too long, letting them prattle off about serial killings.

Mr. Kawasaki: Kawasaki. And, I’m not so sure you two understand what exactly it is we do here. We are a cereal company. Not a company of serial killers.

Studd: No shit, but if you WERE a serial killer. How would you do it?

Mr. Kawasaki: I don’t know Mr. Studd. I would probably just shoot them in the face I guess.

EVJ: That’s not very creative.

Studd: And not to mention retarded. I mean, people will hear a gunshot miles away. You’d be caught in no time. I thought Chinese were supposed to be smart.

Mr. Kawasaki: Actually, I’m Japanese.

Studd: Even better! I’m sure you got some doctors in the family. Steal some of their medical supplies and go full on“Operation”. Just carve people open and stick all sorts of random objects in their bodies, then sew’em backup and see how far they can get with a rotary phone in their colon.

Mr. Kawasaki removes his glasses and rubs his temples in frustration.

Mr. Kawasaki: How about we just get down to business, if that’s okay with you gentlemen?

EVJ: Waiting on you.

Studd: Go for it, slick.

Mr. Kawasaki stands up and clears his throat as he walks over to an easel with a sheet over it hiding its contents

Mr. Kawasaki: Well, we here at the Kashi Company are always trying to be at the forefront of modern culture. And we think a partnership with you two gentlemen can be advantageous to both parties. While giving you increased exposure to our wide consumer base, we here at Kashi can benefit from being viewed as both tolerant and supportive of your chosen lifestyle.

Vic and Erik exchange sideways glances.

Studd: But we’re not serial killers... yet.

EVJ: I think he means as professional wrestlers.

Mr. Kawasaki: Maybe it’d be best if I just show you what I mean. May I present to you…

Mr. Kawasaki pulls back the sheet to reveal the most glorious cereal box in the history of mankind.

Mr. Kawasaki: Erik Von Jarrett and Vic Studd’s “Good Friends” Cereal!

EVJ: Oh dang.

Studd: Holy shit.

Vic and and EVJ stare at the glorious cereal box cover with wide eyed amazement as Mr. Kawasaki sports a smile a mile wide.

Mr. Kawasaki: A diverse assortment of toasted trio flakes, twigs and granola containing 46% of your daily fiber needs!

Studd: You mean it makes you have to shit?

Mr. Kawasaki: Technically any food substance you eats makes you have to… defecate. But to answer your question, yes. It makes your bowel movements far more pleasant.

EVJ: I love it! Damn, I miss that headband.

Vic reaches over and puts a hand on EVJ’s arm, quelling his excitement.

Studd: Now wait just a minute. Victor K. Studd doesn’t just slap his name on any old fucking product. There’s a damn good reason why I’m one of the few WiR superstars without any merchandise.

EVJ: Because you don’t want Paisner getting his cut and Los Chongas can’t sew a straight seam?

Studd: Exactly. Look Mr. Cow-Sake, its going to take a little more than a dump truck filled with money to get VeeJay and I to sign this deal.

EVJ: Vic what are you-

Vic slaps his hand over EVJ’s mouth.

Studd: We’re going to need you to sweeten the pot a bit. Throw in a few things money can’t buy. Like say a couple deluxe weekend packages to the Oxygen Retreat in the Dominican Republic.

Mr. Kawasaki: Pretty sure money can buy you a vacation, Mr. Studd.

Studd: I’m not even close to being finished. I also want to throw out the first and LAST pitch of Game 1 of the next World Series.

Mr. Kawasaki: We’re a breakfast cereal company. We don’t even have an advertising deal of any kind with Major League-

EVJ: If we’re making demands, I wouldn’t mind flying the company jet. Maybe just a round trip to Japan for “Excellent Adventure”.

Mr. Kawasaki: We don’t have a comp-

EVJ: But all the flight attendants have to refer to me as “ICE…. MAN!” and click their teeth after doing so. If they don’t do the mouth thing, they’re fired.

Studd: And I’d like to state of Arkansas’ borders walled off and turned into a futuristic prison. Fuck those Bible thumping reprobates.

Mr. Kawasaki: We couldn’t possib-

EVJ: And while we’re at it, I met a beautiful Afro-German siren named Moquiqui Ottovordemgentschenfelde. I would like her to be made into an American citizen.

Studd: And I want to have two slow dances with Mark Dutch’s ex-wife at the closest high school to her residence’s prom. As well as a foosball table for the condo.

EVJ: And a flamethrower.

Mr. Kawasaki closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He removes a piece of paper from his pocket and places it on his desk in front of EVJ and Vic.

Mr. Kawasaki: I think you’ll find this offer to be most satisfactory.

Vic and EVJ lean over and look at the number. You can practically see the dollar signs in their pupils.

EVJ: Hot damn!

Studd: I may actually be able to move out of your service porch!

Mr. Kawasaki: So we have a deal?

Studd: Does Dolly Parton sleep on her back?

Mr. Kawasaki: Umm..

EVJ: That’s a yes.

Vic and Erik Von Jarrett sign the piece of paper and the three men stand up and exchange handshakes, solidifying the deal.

Mr. Kawasaki: Excelsior! Thank you so much for your time Mr. Von Jarrett. Mr. Studd. Our shareholders will be most pleased to find out we’re the first breakfast cereal to stand firmly behind the LGBT community!

EVJ: Wait. What?

Mr. Kawasaki: Mr. Studd is your partner is he not?

Studd: Yeah…

Mr. Kawasaki: Well you two just happen to be the first openly gay athlete couple with an endorsement deal in the United States! Congratulations!

Nation of Miscegenation: Oh fuck…

Scene fades to black.

OOC: Special shout out to my man Keiji for photo shopping the cereal box for a decrepit old man. #SuckItBallsweat!

[u/roboticzebra]

@DiamondbackDave: #EatGoodFriends

[u/[deleted]]

@KSJ: They'll give anybody endorsement deals these days. #DrinkBallsweatTM

[u/XemyrLexasey → u/[deleted]]

@BByrneWiR

Yeah we've known that for a while now.

[u/[deleted] → u/XemyrLexasey]

@KSJ: @BByrneWIR glad to see you recovered from that beatdown. Be happy you didn't get the full force of The Talent #DrinkBallsweatTM #ExcellentAdventure

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

Full force

[Hiedenreich Theme plays off in the distance]