r/wrestlingisreddit • u/neutronknows "Vile" Vic Studd • Dec 02 '14
Vignette Special Christmas PSA from "Vile" Vic Studd
scene opens inside a beautiful and strangely familiar home decorated all Christmasy and shit. Soft Christmas music plays as the camera pans over intricately wrapped Christmas gifts, stockings hung off the mantle and the cackling of a classic Christmas Yule Log. Eventually the camera settles on the hero of Wrestling is Reddit – “Vile” Vic Studd seated in a large arm chair wearing a Santa suit without the beard or white wig. Vic reaches to his right and swirls around a glass of port before sniffing it and taking a sip. He sees the camera and appears startled before a predatory smile spreads across his lips.
”Vile” Vic Studd: Oh… I didn’t see you there. Hi, I’m “Vile” Vic Studd here to wish you all a Merry… ugh. All right, listen. By now I’m sure you’ve gotten a sample of the insanity that is the Christmas season. Maybe you were out on Black Friday with the rest of the drunken reprobates needlessly pouring their money into a materialistic system that sedates our culture with cheap electronics so we can live stream Peter Pan musicals and blissfully ignore the fact that our world is crumbling all around us.
Vic slams back his port and grits his teeth before continuing.
Studd: Now they say Christmas is a time for giving. And “Vile” Vic Studd is going to give you all something you can’t wrap. Something you can’t put a bow on. Something you can’t fit under the tree. It’s called good, sound, ADVICE. Advice about gift buying. You know what people like? You want to make your friends and family happy for God knows what reason? You go for the ”BIG 3” and you don’t stray: BOOZE, PORN, or CASH. Or for me, the “BIG 4”: BOOZE, PORN, CASH, & MORE PORN! As you all know I have spent the better part of my adult life watching porn. And I like to think of myself as a connoisseur of sorts.
Vic grabs his crotch through his pants and readjusts his gear.
Studd: So here now I’m giving you Vic Studd’s hits for 2014! I’ve broken my picks down into categories because I’m such a nice fucking guy like that, and I’ve picked two or three of my favorite from each.
Vic looks around for a moment trying to find something before a light bulb goes off and he sits up for a moment and grabs a long list of paper from underneath his ass.
Studd: First, for all you TV watchers out there: ”Spunky Jizzster”, “Raw & Order: Special Rectums Unit”,* Sunshine’s personal favorite - ”Fister Belvedere”, as well as ”McHale’s Gravy”, “It’s Always Sultry in Phylliss’ Labia”, “That 70’s Ho”, and “What’s Happenin’ In Your Ass?” - that’s a Studd family favorite!
Vic clears his throat and continues.
Studd: But what is Christmas really about? The kids, am I right? Here are some of my favorite Disney Classics: ”The Perfect Stocking Stuffer”, “Herbie the Love Crab”, “Titty Titty Gang-Bang”, “101 Lactations”, “Fisting Nemo”, “Cherry Poppins”, “Little Orphan Tranny”, “Monstercocks Inc.”, and of course ”Snow White and the Seven Dwarves”. Which is pretty much exactly what it sounds it like.
Vic reaches to the right of his chair and grabs a bottle of port and pours himself another snifter full.
Studd: Speaking of midgets. I got a few recommendations for them as well: ”Dwarf on Your Sister”, “Gulliver Travels Up Your Ass”, “Big Calves-Small Holes”, “Get Shorty… A Towel”, “Ear Bangers 7”, and for our new Irish lass, ”Really Short Lesbians”.
Vic swirls his port around and takes a sip.
Studd: But you know this season isn’t just about Christmas. We also have Hanukkah! And being a ¼ Jew myself and seeing as how a whole full blooded Jew signs my paychecks I figured I would include some of the year’s more kosher titles for our Jew buddies: ”40 Years in the Desert 10 Minutes in Your Ass”, “Sha-LOAD!”, “Big Nose, Bigger Hose”, “Moses Parts the Pink Sea”, and who could forget “Hagglin’ For Ass”. Don’t worry Boss, I got that bad ride on back order for ya.
Vic winks at the camera.
Studd: And finally because there’s a little Santa in all of us. Some Christmas classics: ”North Pole South Hole”, “Santa Empties His Sack”, “Reindeer Rimjob”, “White Christmas Black Cock”, “That Ain’t Eggnog!”, and last but certainly not least – ”How The Grinch Stole This Bitch’s Panties and then Sniffed Them Out in the Parking Lot”.
Vic slams back his port again and lets out a satisfying belch.
Studd: There. My work here is done. But I have much more to do elsewhere. For I must load the sleigh and fly over TERRIBLE’s house and take a shit down his chimney. So until next year, this is “Vile” Vic Studd wishing you and yours would leave me the fuck alone!
The jingling of keys can be heard as the front door knob begins to turn and a mother and her two children enter the house all dressed in Christmas sweaters carrying shopping bags from the wall.
Mother: Now go get in your jammies and I’ll make you kids up some hot co- YOU!
The woman instantly recognizes Vic from being drugged and dragged into her living room by Bruce Rodgers back in the early days of Wrestling is Reddit as well as several other PSAs in which Vic has broken into her family home or buried turds in her garden. (OOC Note: All Vic Studd PSAs can be found on his roster page)
Studd: Oh shit.
Mother: I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE MY FAMILY ALONE!
Vic leaps out of his chair passed the Christmas tree, knocking it over into the fire place. The bottle of port shatters on the slate stones surrounding the fire place and the tree lights up like a tiki torch and flames spread throughout the living room in a flash.
Children: AHHHHHHH!!! FIRE!
Vic sprints passed the mother, knocking over her two children in the process. Leaving them all to fend for themselves inside their burning home.
Studd: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
scene fades to black.
1
u/totes_meta_bot Dec 04 '14
This thread has been linked to from elsewhere on reddit.
If you follow any of the above links, respect the rules of reddit and don't vote or comment. Questions? Abuse? Message me here.
2
1
u/[deleted] Dec 02 '14
Yeah...chimney...not a giant cannon...chimney...yeah...
NINJAEDIT: Welp, Studd just set fire to a home. We're on our way!