r/workingmoms • u/Help_idkhow2date • 2h ago
Relationship Questions (any type of relationship) How often do your kids see grandparents? How to make it happen with limited time?
I am a WFH mom with in home care. We are on waitlists for daycares. We have one 20 month old and I’m almost 7 months pregnant with our second.
Sometimes our sitter will need to cancel and she does a pretty good job of letting us know ahead of time. At that point I will ask my in laws who live close because they’ve offered in the past and I get lectured about never asking for help. So I get it.
But every time I ask they’re not available. Sometimes they will say yes, but 80% of the time they cancel as well. They are retired and financially comfortable, they travel a lot and keep busy.
Both of us work a lot and we keep busy on the weekends, they travel most weekends to see SIL. We just don’t have any free time. But the in laws want to see our baby more and I just can’t imagine how we would be able to make time for them without taking PTO or something??
Any ideas welcome! We will be on leave soon after I give birth but they will be traveling after the baby is born.
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u/phoebe-buffey divorced mom + 1 daughter 1h ago
my mom watches my daughter 3x a week, my ex-MIL watches her 2x a week. we all live in the same county, my ex in laws live right next to my job, we're all friendly. i actually just moved back in with my parents temporarily so i can sell my place before finding a new one, so they help out with my daughter even more.
sounds like your in laws want the fun times and not the responsible times. i'd set up backup childcare. does your work have something like bright horizons? mine offers that, it's a site kind of like care.com (i think) for back up childcare. i've never used it, but coworkers of mine have and say it's good.
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u/somekidssnackbitch 1h ago
Can you set up a weekly/monthly dinner?
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u/Help_idkhow2date 46m ago
Husband and I see them weekly (when work is not crazy). We go out to dinner or catch a movie together. Our baby sleeps pretty early and is with a sitter at home during those outings. We have tried to keep him up a few times but he doesn’t love it and will scream if he’s tired.
We ask them to come earlier, like 4 or 5 but we usually are still working at those times and if we are going out the sitter will stay past her usual hours. We live in 1,200sq ft so it’s not super comfortable for them to be here when the sitter is here. Also, they don’t feel comfortable leaving their dog alone for those extra two hours.
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u/Bubbly-Bathroom-1523 1h ago
Can you plan further ahead so they can make time to see you on the weekend? We see my parents often, but it’s usually on the weekend and we plan it 2-3 weeks in advance.
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u/cheesesteak_seeker 1h ago
This is basically what we do. We schedule events with my mom/siblings or with my MIL typically for a weekend 1-2 months in advance because we are all so busy.
My mom or MIL will also watch our daughter if we know our in-home daycare provider will be out in advance and they are happy to do it, but the caveat is they have weeks to months in advance to confirm they are available. They both live about 2 hours away.
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u/Help_idkhow2date 41m ago
We do plan ahead for some things. Like we go camping as a family twice a year, go to the beach as a family once a year. Outside of that weekends are not really possible for them because they visit SIL. We do get lucky sometimes but they want to see him more often and weekends just aren’t always an option. Even when we schedule time in advance. We do keep an open invite them to our weekend plans (farmers market, park, etc) but yeah, we are not calling them every weekend to see if they’re available. Husband and I see them pretty often but child is asleep and home with a sitter usually.
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u/Bubbly-Bathroom-1523 11m ago
If you make an effort to schedule things with them and they choose to do other things instead, then I don’t think there’s anything else you can do. Nothing to feel guilty about and no reason to take PTO.
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u/BrigidKemmerer WFH Mom of 3: 19, 14, and 12 1h ago
It’s a little unfair to tell grandparents that the only time they can see a grandchild is when they’re babysitting for you on short notice. (Turn it around. Imagine a friend only ever wanted to spend time with you if you were coming over to help her clean her house.)
Are your weekends really so slammed that you can’t drive over there for a couple hours every other month? Or invite them over for dinner and just get carry out? It’s important to maintain a relationship among all of you if you want their help.
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u/Help_idkhow2date 53m ago
They travel most weekends to see SIL and we do actually go out for dinner together, or the movies together, once a week. But our baby is asleep and with a sitter at those times.
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u/MightSuperb7555 1h ago
My mom gets my little from preschool once a week every week. My dad is still working so he takes kiddos for breakfast and something fun every weekend we’re both in town. We also have dinner with them all together every couple of weeks or so. But, my parents really want to help, make the effort to schedule it, and we all really enjoy each others company. Different story with my kids other grandparent.
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u/lifeofblair 1h ago
My mom sees baby about once a month. She isn’t in the best health so I have to go to her. In laws probably see him more because they will watch him when we need care but also they live closer
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u/sunandsnow_pnw 1h ago
My parents come over every Sunday morning for 1-3 hours. My husband and I meal prep/clean/self care while they’re here. It’s great!
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u/Soft_Bodybuilder_345 1h ago
My parents come to us biweekly. They come from out of town so it’s a few days at a time. They work themselves into our schedule when they visit. They’re here in the evenings to play with my son. They will babysit or do daycare pickup if they want to or if it’s pre-planned. I don’t (and obviously can’t) ask them for last minute babysitting.
We see my in laws once a month and almost always they come to our house a weekday evening for dinner and leave before bedtime. I would never leave my son alone with them so we don’t ask them to babysit, but they would be similar to your in laws in that they say they’re available and want to spend time with my son but are never actually available at the desired times and they reschedule a LOT. Occasionally we go to their house for a couple hours on a Saturday… like once every 3 months. I’m not nice enough to accommodate “we want to see child more” without any other buy in if it’s inconvenient to me.
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u/Help_idkhow2date 26m ago
I’m so curious about your in laws offering but not being available. I really don’t understand this! I was wondering, could this be cultural? My husband’s family is white American. I’m Arab and Latina. I feel SO confused at the offer if they’re not really available. I feel like I’m missing something?? Or maybe both of our in laws are just like that lol.
My mom and family live thousands of miles away, but if I call someone to come stay with us for a week or two they will drop everything and come. If I’m near them for any reason, I have to fight them to even hold my child. When we go to visit I’m not sure my child’s feet ever touch the ground and they don’t let me lift a finger. It’s just so different
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u/UnhappyReward2453 1h ago
Sometimes I think it is easier to maintain relationships when you live 2000 miles away! Haha. We see both my parents and my in laws about quarterly with them coming to us most of the time and us traveling to them once, mayyybbbbeee twice a year. (It helps we have a guest room but I know my in laws would swing for a hotel if needed, my parents would try but budget would start to be an issue at some point). I try to FaceTime my in laws every Sunday but it generally works about every other one because I forgot or the time change got in the way (we have a three hour difference). I definitely don’t FaceTime my own family as much although we text and I send more pictures.
Because of the distance it’s obvious that they can’t help out in a pinch but if we know we have a big event coming up I can usually convince one or the other to fly out and watch our daughter either entirely on their own for the weekend if we have travel or for whatever event my husband and I have if it’s local.
I think the key as others have said is setting it up like an appointment or a recurring event. It’s so easy to let things slide or cancel when you think you can just reschedule for the next week but then something inevitably comes up that next week too and it gets cancelled again. It doesn’t have to be weekly or anything but maybe monthly or even quarterly depending on how tight knit you want to be.
The last minute babysitting is a harder issue to solve but it’s not unique to our generation as much as Reddit would lead you to believe. My mom tells me all the time she finally stopped asking my paternal grandparents to watch us in a pinch because my grandma always seemed so annoyed by it. (I had a really close relationship with my paternal grandparents so this was a shock to me lol)
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u/RuthlessBenedict 1h ago
My in laws see my child a couple times a month. They’ll do a backup care if needed but it’s almost exclusively on weekends. They also are retired, well off, and travel. I think both you and your in laws both probably need to make some more effort here. It’s totally fine they don’t want to be your backup childcare. They shouldn’t agree and cancel last minute (worth talking to them about) but otherwise I can see being put out to only be asked to be childcare. You don’t have any time on weekends to be together? In my family we make this work by both sides putting family time as a priority. Is your SIL inviting them on weekends and you’re not? If you want them to see your kid more try planning something in advance and go from there. If they still opt not to see your family then you know there’s deeper convos to be had, but this is likely fixable with better communication and planning on both sides.
Edit: change parents to in laws
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u/USAF_Retired2017 1h ago
Once or twice a year. It will hopefully be more often now that we are moving closer.
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u/kayleyishere 39m ago
Your time is on the weekend. Is there something wrong with SIL that they need to see her every weekend? Like does she have cancer and really needs help? If not, your in laws are prioritizing SIL over your family, and that's not your problem. That's a choice they make.
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u/kbmn16 16m ago
Your in-laws could say “Hey we’d love to spend some time with LO, could you give us a weekend you’re free in the next month or two and we’ll plan to stay in town?”.
This isn’t all on you to facilitate a relationship with them and LO.
If they don’t want to babysit, okay, that’s their choice. But that would also be a way to see LO more often.
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u/Florachick223 9m ago
Have you asked them what they're envisioning? Weekends seem like the obvious time for this kind of thing, so it's weird to me that they keep asking to see him but are never around, unless they had something else in mind.
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u/wilksonator 1h ago
Weekends? Vacations? I mean that’s your family. If you want to keep a relationship with them, you need to dedicate some time and energy to it ( as I imagine you do with your own parents).
Only getting in touch, as hoc, when you need care and getting upset when they are not available when they have their own lives is not cool.
Note
As they are IN laws, to me, that’s a relationship to be managed by their child aka your spouse. I would direct HIS parents to HIM to settle any issues eg ‘ have a talk to HIM to sort that situation out’ Id also put him in charge of checking in with HIS parents about the ad hoc care - you both have jobs, you both have children, you should not carry all the mental of setting up childcare for them while you work.
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u/Help_idkhow2date 12m ago
Husband and I see them all the time. But they don’t get to see our child much because he is asleep at those times. I’m not worried about my relationship with them at all… and never said we only reach out for care lol. They want to see the baby more and have low availability. Someone suggested FaceTime, that was a really clever suggestion!! And yes, husband coordinates with his parents. I coordinate with husband.
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u/Mathleticdirector 1h ago
We see my mom several times a month, if not multiple times a week. She’s a mile away and will do daycare pickups if she’s home. She did a sleepover midweek last week because I had an early appointment. My mom is the best- that’s why I moved back to town. We see my in-laws probably once every 6-8 weeks. They are 40 minutes away (in the town we used to live in) and they don’t leave the house. I think all parties are happy with their amounts. Nowhere near equal, but equal to everyone’s effort.
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u/go_analog_baby 1h ago
We see my parents/in laws a lot. My kids are in fulltime daycare and, yes, they will pinch hit childcare for us if there are closures or sick days, but we see them often outside of that. We definitely see them on the weekends, but week nights are very much fair game. My mom and step dad literally came by last night to hang out with my 4 and 2 year old after dinner for about an hour. I got to put away laundry while my parents read them books, it was perfect. Depending on how close your in laws are, I’d see if they’re open to week nights.
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u/LetshearitforNY 1h ago
We love several states away, so only a few times a year. More frequent FaceTime calls.
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u/Help_idkhow2date 50m ago
That’s actually a great idea! My mom lives in another state and we FaceTime her a lot.
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u/NeoPlant 27m ago
What about meeting up at SIL's? The grandparents seem to be going there quite often already.
You guys have to meet each other somewhere in terms of effort. In some family relationships, it is absolutely not an equal amount of effort put on both sides.
My mom often does not initiate, is flaky, and I typically have to plan and drive to her (which she may cancel on as well). It's what it is and it results in only a handful of visits a year.
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u/Help_idkhow2date 3m ago
That’s not a bad idea, actually. She lives in another state so we would need to books hotels and all that. Would rather not spend the money since we are saving for a house and have a baby on the way. But once a year wouldn’t be bad! SIL doesn’t like kids around her dog but maybe we can meet at the park or something
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u/Quinalla 20m ago
If they are busy nearly every weekend, that’s not on you! If they don’t want to babysit (fair!) then they need to make time in their schedule on weekends. Maybe plan more things a year way far ahead on weekends and invite them?
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u/Reaganonthemoon 1h ago
My rule is three strikes and you’re outta here. Over time, most of my family (and friends) have lost access to me and my family. I don’t have time to coddle relationships in the event I attempt to connect and am turned down. It’s a shame for my kids, but I’m also teaching them not to be convinced by others to be a pushover or overly accommodating.. Quality relationships over quantity in the long run.
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u/Help_idkhow2date 0m ago
Valid. When I reach out to them it’s not really because I NEED them, I could find another sitter or talk to my boss about an adjustment. But I see it as an opportunity for them to get time with baby. But yeah, I’m getting kind of skeptical and even annoyed with the whole song and dance of them offering to be there and then not making any time.
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u/CRLIN227812 1h ago
Now, this may be my own bias here- but it sounds like they want you to care for/entertain the baby while they are around. They do not want to be responsible for baby. So Id adjust your guilt here since it’s not really them wanting to spend quality time with your kid.