Curious. How many wealthy moms here work because they’re kinda forced to?

[u/baituwave]

I’ll go first. Frankly, I am wealthy, there I said it. I am not buy a yact wealthy though.

The thing is I continue working as a lawyer because I grew up in an abusive family. First, it was my biological father and then my stepfather. My mom was employed full-time in her marriages to make ends meet. She worked as a blue collar, manual labor worker. The second husband earned a little bit more than her, cheated on her, wouldn’t pay his share of the rent, and left her. She took out her retirement savings to pay legal fees, rent, groceries, and my living expenses.

At the time, I was finishing up college and was looking for my first big girl job. Anyway, it was a really challenging time but nothing different from similarly situated women from emotionally abusive and financially abusive relationships.

My mom has been carrying this trauma for almost 40 years and she’s 72 this year. I blocked it from my memory honestly. So whenever I bring up the topic that I want to raise my toddler and quit being a lawyer, my mom berates me, calling me stupid, foolish, naive, and then proceeds to give me a bunch of “what ifs” like what if husband cuts off my access to his/our money then I can’t even afford a legal fee besides the basic retainer.

I feel like I’m living in the twilight zone. Most women marry “up” and I’m one of them. But I can’t shake off the feelings of inadequacy and insecurity either from myself and mostly my mom. I love my mom very much, she’s my best friend. I know she means well for me. Her trauma is her protection towards me. She tells me to continue commuting and working. Don’t financially rely on my husband ever and save my money.

That approach, however, is taking time away from my only child (I had my baby in my mid-30s). Also, I want to spend my financial and time resources on doing things I want to do. Like reading a book, picking up my kid up from school, going to the gym mid-day. But now, I’m chained to my desk working in an office. Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful I have this job, it’s a good job and it’s foolish for me to leave. I always remember how stressed I was when I finished law school and was job hunting like a madwoman. My then boyfriend, now husband, told me to take a chill pill.

I apologize if this post rubbed you off the wrong way. People get angry when money topics are honestly discussed.

[u/somekidssnackbitch]

With love, you aren’t being forced to work. It sounds like you have trouble setting boundaries with your mom. Which is understandable given your background. But you’re a successful married parent in your mid 30s, your mom isn’t your partner in financial decisions, you don’t have to allow her to demean your choices.

[u/freedomfreida → u/somekidssnackbitch]

With respect, this Mama has trauma and needs a therapist. Sounds like she's in a mental prison.

[u/DomesticRampage → u/somekidssnackbitch]

THIS^{^}

[u/bunnyball88]

I am not "forced" to work, but I do carry a certain amount of existential dread about not working. If i stopped working, yes our lifestyle would have to change and I'd be charged with taking care of kids... but we could do it on one salary (especially given many years of high earning I've had.) That said, I have an identity / drive issue that equals or exceeds my love of the job. Not working is terrifying to me. 

What I decided to use that financial flexibility for was to start my own company that is low cash, high deferred comp, and where I can shape the hours/ clients more or less to my needs. 

Said differently, the freedom of financial freedom means you can experiment outside the binary of unemployed vs chained to a desk. 

I suggest maybe a therapist and an exploration of if there might be a middle ground. 

[u/Formergr → u/bunnyball88]

you can experiment outside the binary of unemployed vs chained to a desk.

That's a very good point that often gets overlooked in these discussions. Granted, not everyone is in the right industry or has the right skill sets for this, but I think it is possible for more than you'd think.

[u/No_Nectarine2455 → u/bunnyball88]

This! I was presented the opportunity to start my own firm and I ran like a mad woman and never looked back. I never ever thought I’d have my own firm but I’ve never been happier or more successful. It provides me the ultimate flexibility to be present for my kids while maintaining financial independence and growing my career that like many of you, I worked really hard to attain.

My two cents, you don’t have to view it as have a career OR be a mom. Instead, what can you do to be the mom AND the badass professional you want to be. ✨

[u/Illustrious-Tap-6420 → u/bunnyball88]

If you don’t mind sharing, in what field is the company you‘ve started?

[u/bunnyball88 → u/Illustrious-Tap-6420]

Financial services. Highly bespoke consulting for a subset of private asset managers. 

[u/shantyn → u/bunnyball88]

Do you feel comfortable to share your new business venture?

[u/bunnyball88 → u/shantyn]

Financial services. Highly bespoke consulting for a subset of private asset managers. 

[u/Aggressive_Day_6574]

“Kinda forced to”? No one is forcing you to do anything. You are choosing to work and not taking accountability for that choice.

I grew up abused as well. Physically abused in a family where mental illness and substance abuse ran rampant.

But I would never say I do things because I grew up in an abusive family. I’m responsible for my own choices.

The truth is simple - you work because you want to. You want to because you don’t want to upset your mom. You want to spend time with your child, but it seems like more than that, you want to keep your mom happy.

Therapy is in order.

[u/CNDRock16]

I watched my parents go through a divorce after my mom had spent a decade as a SAHM.

I told myself I will never ever ever ever ever surrender my financial independence to a man.

Idgaf who I am married to, I’m paying into my own retirement and social security and will always be able to support myself. And thank god I have that mentality because I myself found myself in a divorce and have zero issues supporting myself and my daughter because I never left my career field.

[u/West_Coast_Buckeye → u/CNDRock16]

I was your mom. 21 years as a SAHM. My ex was a seriel cheater. I couldn't leave. I had no education to fall back on. When he left i was panicking. No family left for any kind of support, no job, didn't finish college and I am trapped in one of the HCOL cities. I am never going to be able to retire or enjoy myself thanks to him and my own stupidity. Meanwhile he's going to retire a multimillionaire with no worries and once his parents pass- he'll double his net worth.

[u/CNDRock16 → u/West_Coast_Buckeye]

I’m so sorry, that is beyond devastating.

IMO there is no “not working”- a SAHM works just as hard as someone going to an office, except your employer is now your husband.

[u/NavyGirl04 → u/CNDRock16]

While yes I agree a SAHM works as hard if not harder than the partner going to work, that does not negate that being a SAHM is unpaid labor. It does not contribute to a 401k, social security, or savings. When I divorced, I was in a similar position. I had been a professor and stepped down to raise kids. He was a lawyer. He has dragged through court battle after battle for years. I have had to take a significant amount of time rebuilding my career. I enjoyed being a SAHM, but I wouldn't do it again without my own independent financial security.

[u/thatotheramanda → u/NavyGirl04]

This.

[u/purplepeanut40 → u/West_Coast_Buckeye]

Did you not get half of all his assets including retirement, savings accounts, etc? Or alimony?

[u/ImpossibleLuckDragon → u/purplepeanut40]

Sometimes people have ways of structuring those assets so that there is nothing to get at the time of divorce. If everything is set up in family trusts owned by the family, stocks that don't have any actual value yet, etc. it can be hard to get anything. I ended up owing my husband half of my very valuable stocks in the divorce, even though his had no value on paper and I had to cash out the stocks to be able to pay for my side of the divorce.

[u/West_Coast_Buckeye → u/purplepeanut40]

The fact is that between my pay and alimony, I only make enough to cover my mortgage. I use savings to live while I am in school to better my position. I cannot actively save. Once my youngest child is done with high school, I plan to move to a lower cost of living area.

But no-I did not get half because he was able to hide assets in his business and trying to prove it would have completely bankrupted me. He makes north of 160k a year and has family that can help support him.

My mother passed away just as he decided to walk away. I have no siblings or other family besides my kids. Not their job to supoort me. I will never be able to retire

[u/khrystic → u/West_Coast_Buckeye]

If you are married for that long you are entitled to the social security and 401k that he saved during your marriage.

[u/yrk202c → u/khrystic]

Some people are self employed high earners which is fabulous for hiding money during a divorce. This is what my dad did

[u/Fun-Ask6844 → u/CNDRock16]

Somewhat similar experience. My mother instilled in me how important it is not to rely on a man financially. I’m a lawyer now like OP, and while my marriage is great, I do sometimes have the thought in the back of my mind that if anything were to happen, my daughter and I would be just fine. I wouldn’t trade that peace of mind.

[u/LouPeachem → u/Fun-Ask6844]

Same here! I’m a lawyer and my mom instilled to never depend on anyone. I’m actually a divorce attorney and have seen so many women having to beg abusive men to pay their rent for the month or put money in their bank account so they can eat. Horrifying.

[u/ajenn14 → u/LouPeachem]

Fellow divorce lawyer, totally agree

[u/Emergency-Economy654 → u/Fun-Ask6844]

My grandma says “always have a separate bank account just in case.” And I agree. I have seen couples that seem to get along so well turn absolutely evil towards eachother during a divorce.

Also relying on someone’s income just kind of weirds me out. My stay at home mom friends asked around Christmas what I had on my Christmas list and I was like ummm nothing. I just buy things I want and don’t need to ask my husband to get them for me.

[u/InfoSecChica → u/Emergency-Economy654]

I’m dying to know what they said when you said that 😏

[u/Mental-Potential1825 → u/CNDRock16]

Similar experience. My husband changed as soon as I became SAH for half a year (it wasn't very long). Quickly, I was asked about everything I spent money on, told we couldn't afford this and that (we could, get makes over $100k+ by himself) and then it was just nit picking over every little thing... One singular dish in the sink, a piece of hair on the floor, not going to bed at the same time he did. He really felt if he worked and I was at home, he should have absolutely no parental responsibilities in raising our daughter. This resulted in feelings of animosity when I got sick and needed help just to help our little one to bed for a day or two. I was fortunate that I was able to jump back into my line of work and got an offer on the first interview I landed. But, I learned a hard lesson alone in how I was treated during that time, and then that was followed up by me discovering his infedlity. That was a major motivator for me to get back to work and a blow to my confidence. I had to pull from my own retirement to float for a while, retain an attorney, start filing --- all for him to come back and say he wanted his family and to work it all out. I've forgiven him. But I have a hard time trusting him (or any other man) moving forward. I won't rely on someone else financially because at any point that rug can be pulled whenever your completely dependent on someone else. I call it my own means of self preservation. I would love nothing more than to be with my child all day again, but it's not just the reality in our family that is best.

[u/CNDRock16 → u/Mental-Potential1825]

Damn. Glad you got back into the force ok, we can never really trust them for a minute, especially after the power dynamics change.

[u/Mental-Potential1825 → u/CNDRock16]

It's been over a year now. My trust isn't fully restored and he is aware. I don't have spite or hate there but .. you just don't look at someone the same after they do that to you. That's the best way to describe it and how I've told him: I love you, I care for you, but the rose colored glasses I saw you through cannot be restored.

[u/Open-Cat-1390 → u/Mental-Potential1825]

Life is short and you only live once. I would leave & find myself a better man, and even without any other man it’s better to be a single happy parent and treat myself nice, focus my time on my child & myself only.
I know you have decided, but still wanted to say this if one day in the future you question your decision being back with your husband. I think fundamentally he doesn’t treat you well, and you shouldn’t have to work for him to treat you better.

[u/CNDRock16 → u/Mental-Potential1825]

Well, good luck, I would have dumped his arse.

[u/njcawfee → u/CNDRock16]

I will never understand how some women are completely ok with surrendering financial independence. To be quite frank, I think they are absolutely stupid and naive. Sure, it’s hard work but you’re on your ass if he pulls the rug out from underneath you. Why would you put yourself in that position?

[u/InfoSecChica → u/njcawfee]

💯🎯💯🎯💯🎯💯🎯

Being a SAHM / housewife is the stupidest thing a woman could do to herself.

I will die on that hill.

[u/yrk202c → u/CNDRock16]

This was my mom with an abusive husband and brutal divorce, so this is also my stance now

[u/angeliqu → u/CNDRock16]

Similar story here. I just cannot bring myself to be fully dependent on someone else.

[u/Alarmed-Doughnut1860]

It doesn't really sound like your being forced to work through.  It sounds like you picked up on some of your moms fears around not working.  And are choosing to work because of that.  Life involves trade offs.  But I guess you could say that I too am forced to work because I want to have savings and not live paycheck to paycheck. 

The other thing is, everyone has an opinion on working or not working and everyone's opinions are influenced by their own life experiences.  When you keep that in mind I makes it a bit easier to both be kinda about other people's opinions and ignore them and do what works best for your family.

[u/Whole_Description288]

Work part time, speak to a therapist.

[u/StrikingCoconut → u/Whole_Description288]

yeah, depending on what type of law she practices and her risk tolerance, this poster could probably step back a bit, or completely for a few years and get back in to it. You don't have to give your career 100% in every season of your life.

[u/ecofriendlyblonde → u/StrikingCoconut]

Yep. My husband worked for one of the more prominent law firms in the country part-time and loved it (he’s actually trying to go back to the part-time work now).

When you get far enough in your career, you can have some flexibility if you’re willing to give up the extra cash.

[u/Ok-Control-3790]

I work because I love what I do. And because I’ve seen too many moms get crumbs in divorce and restart their careers from zero. Hell no.

[u/Ok-Control-3790 → u/Ok-Control-3790]

I used to think I hated working and at first I was resentful and sad that I wasn’t staying home with my babies, but I have seen so many marriages fall apart, including my own and I am so grateful that I have options unlike these other women who are trying to re-enter the workforce after a decade or two. Hell no.

[u/Mental-Potential1825 → u/Ok-Control-3790]

It's wrong and sad that so many women have had this experience. We should be able to rely on our partners but.. unfortunately, that's just not always the reality.

[u/Ok-Control-3790 → u/Mental-Potential1825]

I think what some women can and should do is ask to be paid for staying home. Put it in a separate bank account. Have your own money

[u/Ok-East8330 → u/Ok-Control-3790]

Heck my husband does this and we both work - he makes sure we each get equal amounts into our own accounts after savings and basic household bills each month. Because he makes more, he literally pays me each month.

[u/PeekAtChu1 → u/Ok-Control-3790]

Yes I’d be too scared to let myself be so dependent on a man. 

[u/Wucksy]

I’m also a lawyer but I don’t feel forced to work and I believe the structure and routine of work improve my life a lot. But it is very dependent on the job.

I was previously in big law and making a lot of money but chained to my desk and spending all my free time working. Now I am in-house legal counsel making a lot less money, but still a lot compared to most professions (I think my salary is top 3-5% in my city/country). But I have so much freedom.

I do fitness classes or walk my dog on my lunch break. I work strictly 8:30-4:30, no weekends. If I had to work, I sign off at 4:30 and finish up once my toddler is in bed. My toddler and I spend 7-8am and 4:30-8pm together every weekday, playing outside, having dinner, bath time, reading books. On the weekends, I am with them all day from 8-8pm, going to cafes and museums and the park.

And then on top of that, I have time to go to the gym five days a week and feel great. I make all of our meals from scratch (muffins, granola, fritters, cookies, bread, crackers mainly) so we have a great diet. I have adult conversations all day so I never get tired of conversing with my toddler (I know some SAHMs crave longer sentences and words with more syllables). I never need a break from them because I’m not with them all day. I socialize with people at work and get coffee and lunches. And I make enough money to fully fund my kids’ education, take yearly vacations, provide a nest egg for their future house down payment or wedding, and basically buy everything they need without really thinking about how it impacts the budget (new shoes, extracurriculars). My partner and I are retiring 5-10 years early hopefully. We would have more financial pressure without my salary.

Anyway that is basically a long way to say that working does a lot more for me than just providing financial security. I do believe it makes me a more patient, relaxed mom. And it is great for my husband too because he doesn’t feel the stress from being the sole income and he also gets off work at 4 and has weekends free so we have a lot of time to be together as a family. Probably would be different if he had to take a higher pressure job for more money.

[u/IndyEpi5127 → u/Wucksy]

This is my situation too (besides the meals from scratch because I hate cooking so our nanny does a bit of meal prep and we eat a lot of left overs). Working 100% makes me a better mother. My husband and I are both high earners and we could easily survive with just one of our incomes, but with both we thrive. We never worry about money, we can provide an amazing life for our kids full of experiences and top-level education, we can help support them while they get their own careers started, we can retire early if we wish. Our kids will also never worry about needing to support us in our old age, which is a gift I think many parents overlook.

[u/Even_Guidance_6484 → u/IndyEpi5127]

This is what I used to think until my kids were in school all day and I thought about all the things I could be doing, and how much more patience I would have. I could immediately go workout, come back shower, eat breakfast. Clean up the house, grocery shop, volunteer, there are endless things I would rather do with my time then slave away all day.

[u/IndyEpi5127 → u/Even_Guidance_6484]

To each their own. I work in cancer research so I don't feel like I "slave away all day". My job is important and it saves people's lives. Plus I do all the things you list besides clean and grocery shop since our dual income allows us to hire out cleaning and groceries are delivered.

[u/Even_Guidance_6484 → u/IndyEpi5127]

Im grateful to have a job in this awful economy because we can’t afford to live on one income. My job is very stressful and fast paced, it’s exhausting. I love what I do but I would rather not have to work. We cannot afford cleaners but once every other month. I am a much better mom when I’m not working and can workout every day and have more time to rest and recharge so yes to each his own.

[u/Odd-Attorney4323 → u/Wucksy]

My path as well. I think about how miserable I was in BigLaw and it feels like a distant nightmare. I work in-house 9-5 and make more than I ever dreamed I would for an in-house position. All those late nights are paying dividends. I could quit and live off my husband’s salary but I have no interest in becoming a SAHM. I would be bored out of my mind. I need the intellectual stimulation this job provides.

[u/totorobutt → u/Wucksy]

Same boat here, I love this lifestyle now, but I had to be less ambitious in career advancement to trade for better work life balance, and I'm okay with it because my priorities have shifted since I had kids.

[u/jdolan8]

Oh I thought you meant something else. I am forced to work because I make more than my partner. If I had it my way? I would be a SAHM. It’s just not in the cards though for me sadly.

[u/ImpossibleLuckDragon → u/jdolan8]

Same here. There have been points where my husband made more than I do for a bit, but overall I have the more stable, reliable career, so I could never be the stay at home parent. He's gotten to do that for months at a time because of work gaps, and I was definitely jealous during that time.

[u/Active_Recording_789]

You don’t have to listen to your mom, you’re an adult. Make your own decisions. BUT. Millions of women have made the same mistake your mom doesn’t want for you, which is they failed to ensure they were financially independent. Make sure you have enough money for you and your child now and in the future.

Also I hate the term marrying “up”. Marriage is not an investment decision (or shouldn’t be). You’re just as worthy as your spouse and it has nothing to do with money.

[u/millennialreality]

Your moms guidance is well intended but it’s through her lens of her own life experience.
If you’d like to “take a break” (as I would frame it to your mom….) do it! As long as you and your husband agree on plan and feasibility etc.

Hypothetically I could stop working if I’d like to, and I also hate being chained to my desk, but I prefer the flexibility financially that continuing my career brings me, and I really like boosting my own retirement funds. That’s what I want for myself and my family,

Don’t make this decision based on what she wants for you, do what you want for you.

[u/SourPatchKidding]

Are you wealthy or is your husband wealthy? There definitely is a difference. 

I'm not wealthy. If I were, I wouldn't work an office job, and my mom wouldn't have shit to say about it because I haven't spoken to that woman in 10 years. I'll speak plainly. I'm forced to work because I came from a working class family that brcame impoverished by the time I was a teenager. If you personally are wealthy, you are choosing to work because you struggle to set boundaries with your mom and are afraid of her disapproval. I recommend therapy, which helped me accept how things were with my parents. 

[u/HopefulCloud]

I have a very similar trauma history to you. My family are all high achievers - doctors and lawyers and businessmen - and the expectation was that whatever we chose to do, we would be the best in the field and make our mark on society that way. I don't know about you, but for me the pressure to be successful has meant that it's hard for me to choose to step back when I think I should be working to contribute to society, or whatever. I would almost wonder if phrasing it like - "I see motherhood as such an important, impactful contribution to society that I want to give it my full, undivided attention, at least while I form the foundational relationship with my kids" - might change the narrative for her and you.

I myself have decided to work part time during the first few years of my kids' lives. That way if I choose to go back to full time later, I won't have a resume gap preventing me from doing so. But we have the blessing of family nearby who's actually helpful with our baby, so it's much more feasible for me to do this than it would be otherwise, I think.

[u/Alarmed-Doughnut1860 → u/HopefulCloud]

A lovely comment. I absolutely understand feeling the pressure to be a high achiever. And I think maybe that's what OP means by " being forced" to work.  It is just worded in a way to spark some backlash.

[u/Jodenaje → u/Alarmed-Doughnut1860]

That and the weird "most women marry up and I'm one of them" comment.

I'll be generous and just assume that she doesn't have a way with words.

[u/HopefulCloud → u/Jodenaje]

Yeah, I read that as an intrusive thought or trauma response of some kind. Goodness knows I have so many of those myself that I'm still working through with a therapist. But that comoment sounds like some of my intrusive thoughts.

[u/ToBoldlyUnderstand → u/HopefulCloud]

"I see motherhood as such an important, impactful contribution to society that I want to give it my full, undivided attention, at least while I form the foundational relationship with my kids"

This is such a problematic statement. No one should give full, undivided attention to being a parent. At the very least, you should take care of yourself. Not neglect your friends and other family members. You should be a good citizen. Etc etc. Being a martyr is not healthy.

[u/HopefulCloud → u/ToBoldlyUnderstand]

I mean, yeah absolutely. But we can give something our undivided attention without losing ourselves fully in it.

[u/ToBoldlyUnderstand → u/HopefulCloud]

Many of us form excellent foundational relationships with our children while working. You can choose to do what you want with your life. There is no need to justify and get buy-in except with your partner.

[u/HopefulCloud → u/ToBoldlyUnderstand]

I don't think anyone here disagrees with that. I'm also going to be working during the formative years, and my mom was a single mom who worked during my formative years. But just as we can choose to work, some people choose to step away, and it's ok to want to shift one's life priorities when one becomes a parent. That's all I really meant to say.

[u/KLB724]

Honestly, your mother is right. She isn't communicating it in a healthy way, but we have all seen the aftermath of women who chose not to work and ended up with nothing when their marriages ended. No one ever thinks that will happen to them, but it's completely reasonable and smart to do what is needed to prevent that situation.

The personal feelings need to be dealt with in therapy, but from an objective financial standpoint, it makes sense to keep your career in a capacity that makes you happy and secures your own future, whatever that looks like.

[u/potato_purge4 → u/KLB724]

My own mom was a SAHM for…I want to say 15 years or so. She didn’t have an education, any sort of formal training, and she didn’t have anything left to fall back on when my dad decided to leave her after 25 years of marriage. She was battling cancer and it only made her experience more awful. She’s now working full-time as a receptionist at 61 years old. She has no way to work “up” into management (no degrees or training) and she has no plan for retirement. Shes in poor health, and she really should be resting at this point in her life.

I’m a full-time working mom of a 2 year old, and I’m about to graduate with my third degree. Sure, I’m exhausted and am sometimes overwhelmed—but I’m so relieved that at the end of the day, I can depend on my expertise, work experience, and degrees to keep me going.

[u/Gold_Bat_114 → u/KLB724]

Agreed, totally. Mom is right. 

[u/Glittering-Lychee629]

Are you only wealthy through your husband? Or on your own? That's a huge difference.

And at what level does that mean for you?

If you are at the level where your investments can provide for you and you don't have to work again ever, and your kids would be provided for? Uh, quit! Like, yesterday. You are not being forced to do anything! You have built a fake prison for yourself to feel victimized like when you were a little girl and really were disempowered.

I'm coming to this as someone who grew up poor and is affluent now. I am high income but I still have to work. I could not live off investments and be fine.

If the money is only through your husband then I would want more info, like if you have a pre or post nup, etc.

[u/baituwave → u/Glittering-Lychee629]

I forgot to say. I’m wealthy through my husband. My mom pounds that fact on me. I’m talking wealth level that my husband, same age as me, is retired. And we are both set for life, our only child, assuming no acrimonious divorce then legal fees will eat up.

[u/Glittering-Lychee629 → u/baituwave]

Do you have a contract that puts that in writing? Like, is he required to provide for you for the rest of your life even if the marriage ends? Rich men are great at hiding money during divorces. I would not consider it "my" money in this case. It's yours to access for now.

[u/baituwave → u/Glittering-Lychee629]

Yes, I fully agree on that point- access for now.

Nothing in writing, but he gave me a small percentage of our overall wealth, albeit a large sum of money, that only I have access to with my name and individual password. In that regard, I feel somewhat safe that I can afford a lawyer if there is an acrimonious divorce.

[u/ENTJ_ScorpioFox → u/baituwave]

This context actually gives more support to what your mom is saying. Not that he will leave you, but that he could and your life would have to be change. That is worth understanding with a financial planner so that the money you were given can grow and be used as a backstop. And where does your money go? You can set up ETF and short term investment vehicles now if your money isn’t the key lifestyle support.

[u/Glittering-Lychee629 → u/ENTJ_ScorpioFox]

Or he could die and his old money family could ice her out and agree to only pay for things like boarding school for the kid while she tries to get back in the workforce.

[u/Glittering-Lychee629 → u/baituwave]

In that case you are pretty exposed, IMO. I would keep working and build my own net worth separate from him and/or get a contract that makes more provisions for you and/or just ask for more. Ask for an amount you want full access to for your own protection. If he doesn't divorce you ever there should be no risk in him giving you a bunch of stocks or whatever, right?

If he is a family money type of man you will not win in the courts even if you can afford an attorney.

[u/njcawfee → u/baituwave]

It’s not even your money?! GIRL

[u/baituwave → u/njcawfee]

Its shared accounts jointly owned. HE is the one who earned it

[u/njcawfee → u/baituwave]

You need your own financial independence. A man is not a plan.

[u/BrwnHound → u/baituwave]

I recommend r/fireyfemmes to start building your own wealth and freedom.

[u/sneakpeekbot → u/BrwnHound]

Here's a sneak peek of /r/FIREyFemmes using the top posts of the year!

#1: I was born a refugee and today I'm a millionaire! 😭
#2: I made a lot of money today.
#3: Reminder that HerFirst100k has a theater degree, not a finance one

---

^{I'm a bot, beep boop | Downvote to remove | Contact | Info | Opt-out | GitHub}

[u/OneMoreDog → u/baituwave]

Many couples are not necessarily retired, but in the top % of “wealth” relatively to their country. My situation is that if I stop working and we keep spending we won’t be “wealthy” for very long. So similar to you that if something does change you could be financially very poorly, very quickly.

Your mum isn’t your best friend. Best friends don’t berate. Or name call - or verbally abuse. You should both be in independent therapy. And maybe some combined therapy.

And your husband could do more to ensue you (and child!) are supported in your own name. If he’s that wealthy then sharing some of that in a sensible manner can be arranged. He could make a contribution/s to your retirement funds. He could set up various trusts or accounts for school and other costs with you as the delegated adult. He could ensure your name on significant assets (homes, cars) so those can’t be taken from you automatically in a separation or death.

[u/Misschiff0]

Hey, so I think we have a lot in common. My dad divorced my mom for his nurse after she worked her ass off to put him through medical school. It sounds like she taught you the same thing my mom taught me. Always have your own income. Always. And don't ever forego that promotion. A is the only grade.

My husband is the best person I have ever met in my entire life. Seriously. But, I will NEVER be without my own money. I'm in sales, so depending on my year and our stock price, I make somewhere in the ballpark of $800k/ year. My husband also has a job that would support a family very well at a normal level of income. Unfortunately, we like to travel, have expensive palates and I want to give my kids a strong financial and educational start in life. So, private school and 529's and god bless us, travel sports. Like you, I'm not yacht wealthy, but I am lake house wealthy.

Do you have help? It's my only question.

I was about to burn out. Seriously. I hired a household helper. I no longer do laundry, most dishes, or need to stress about if I can't grab the kids at school or return a package or pick up the groceries. We also have an actual cleaning lady once a week and lawn folks. But, our household helper changed my life.

I love to read and hang out with my kids. I now have time to do that. Can you simplify low value stuff?

[u/Glittering_Repeat382 → u/Misschiff0]

You summarized it well. My mom married young & then my dad cheated and left her with 3 kids and no degree at 28ish. She went back to school and had to work her way up & is much better off bc she met my stepdad who also advanced his career. But she told me repeatedly — don’t be dependent on a man & get a degree and education. Now that I have a baby, she keeps asking if I can cut back hours and work less … which I would love to do but I need more years in my career to do so without a big hit … like who did you raise me to be?!

[u/Dear_Ocelot]

There are practical ways to address your mom's concerns. Put some of your savings in accounts that aren't shared with your husband. Ideally, that would include non-marital property acquired before your wedding, but even if some portion counts as marital property, he wouldn't be able to clear it out and leave you with nothing in case of a surprise divorce. My husband is great and I'm not worried about him leaving me or taking all our money, yet I have ALWAYS had a small "emergency escape" fund.

You are wealthy and have marketable skills, it doesn't sound like you're in danger of poverty. You have to figure out how to live your own life and not your mom's

[u/overthinker1331 → u/Dear_Ocelot]

Also since OP is a lawyer she should be aware that there are legal ways to avoid the doomsday scenario painted by her mother- ie a postnuptial agreement. She isn’t being forced to work by any means. Sometimes it’s ok to take accountability for your own choices.

[u/Bird_Brain4101112]

Who exactly is forcing you to work? Your mom can’t force you to do anything. She can ask, but it’s your life.

She does have a point that not having your own money could leave you vulnerable to financial abuse, it’s a very common issue with women who don’t work for money outside of the home.

That being said, 1. What do YOU want and 2. Have you discussed this with your husband at all? Is he amenable to you quitting? 3. Do you have your own independent financial resources separate so that you have your own ability to control your own life if something does happen?

[u/Hopeful_Reporter6731]

Your mom’s advice is something to consider because it’s a real reality. I think you should work part time.

[u/CurlsandCream]

“My mom is my best friend” 🚩 🚩

You are overly influenced by her and you are parentifying her and her trauma. Get yourself some therapy. Doing what’s right for you and your toddler and family is not a betrayal of your mother. Letting her dictate your life is a betrayal of yourself.

[u/ENTJ_ScorpioFox → u/CurlsandCream]

I would wholeheartedly agree - also am a lawyer and high level manager. OP, I double tap on therapy - I did CBT and EDMR, have a mom with narcissistic (maybe even manic) tendencies who loves to share her anxiety and fears with everyone. I had to learn to shield myself and set strong boundaries around my choices and those of my family. On a more practical note, there are strategies you can employ to maintain financial independence that don’t require you to work until you can’t see your family.

I like working and I work a lot, but my spouse and I have separate accounts, we have separate bills, and we have a financial planner and investment accounts to help diversify our sources of income. We also set aside funds for our kids for college and savings accounts - sets a good foundation for them to be independent as well.

I would also say, as an attorney in a business role, there are jobs for attorneys outside the firm - in house, consulting, advisory or research roles have less hectic hours. They may also be less pay, but you have the trade off of higher quality of life.

[u/jamondebellota01]

OP - you have a desirable skill, being a lawyer. You can always re-enter the workplace when and if you are ready to. Or try to find a remote position.

[u/ApprehensiveRead2533]

It doesn't have to be all or nothing either. You could take a step back for a few years then go back to work. Even if you do LOA to start.

It's never a bad idea to plan for what ifs, infact, i encourage it as someone who worked in women's shelter. A woman needs a plan B, always. Just make sure your traumas are not chaining you.

[u/Vikkie13]

I have been thinking a lot about this. I am a poorly paid academic with even worse job security and my partner is in tech. Financially, I don't need to work and I justified continuing to do it because it was bringing me enjoyment. For the past few months that hasn't been the case and I am struggling with the expectation that I continue to work because I am highly educated and it's a safer position to be in as a woman. But I deeply regret that my toddler doesn't get the best version of me most days. I am constantly stressed about my job and multi-tasking instead of enjoying our moments together. I've decided to give notice this week and prioritize spending time with my family, pursuing my interests and volunteering more. I don't plan on being a stay-at-home mom, but I will pick him up 1.5 hours earlier from daycare and enroll him in fewer weeks of daycare summer camp.

[u/strawberry_tartlet]

I probably would just not bring this topic up with your mom, or discuss it minimally - she's projecting her issues, which are valid, but your situation is not the same. My mom also pushed me to make sure I can take care of myself although not to the same level.

If you feel financially and emotionally comfortable with your partner to take a break from work or to move into something less stressful, he's the one you need to figure it out with.

[u/JessicaM317]

I understand your thought process given your life experiences. I grew up in similar circumstances (only difference is my parents are still married, and my dad is still emotionally and financially abusive). I married up as well. My husband is nothing like my dad, but my trauma response doesn't allow me to fully relax. I can't see myself fully financially depending on my husband, ever. My job isn't nearly as stressful or strenuous as yours, but I can still hold my own and if I need to leave or if my husband leaves me, I'll be okay financially.

Is there some kind of compromise you can come to with your job? Can you go part-time, or do contract work, but (God forbid) if shit hits the fan with your marriage, you can go back to full time work?

Unfortunately I don't think your mom's attitude will ever change, but you need to do what's best for you and your family. I think somehow keeping one foot in your industry and providing you with a safety net may make both yourself (and your mom) more comfortable with the idea.

[u/BeaniePole1792]

I work partly because I want to, but also, I set my career up to be an extension and balance the family. I wouldn’t be able to be a sahm mom and I like the interaction I get at work. Yeah I am stressed but it also shows my daughter that nothing is easy.

So here where it is beneficial to work - keeping your skills up and your name in the hat. My husband recently had a medical issue and what if that issue was much worse.. my child and I could still survive. I get to buy whatever I want for myself and my child. We really don’t argue about money.

My child has always known me as a working mom and now she’s a teen and she has to start the hustle game. I wish my parents pushed me to work when I was a teen. I wouldn’t have had the difficulties in my 20’s.

[u/sarumantheslag]

I think it’s somewhere in the middle maintain your financial independence without being chained to your desk. So you’d earn less but still have your own

[u/Spiritual_Oil_7411]

I mean, your mom's not wrong. 😬 It's never good to let yourself become financially dependent on a man. Taking a couple years off or going part time is definitely going to affect your career growth and earning potential, but it's nothing you couldnt build back up if the need arose.

I know, right now, you think the two of you are going to be together forever, but statistics say otherwise. Take the time off when your kids are little, but go back when they start school, amd never stop contributing to your retirement.

And your mom doesnt have to know everything. 😬

[u/MaceEtiquette1]

Work will always be there. Spending time with kiddo flies past. Mine was born yesterday and turns 5 this July. It’s really about the time spent with them versus anything.

[u/sja252]

So devils advocate… she’s kind of correct. I worked in wealth management and saw multiple women hung out to dry after handing all financial dependency over to their husbands. Do you need a stressful and demanding job? Maybe not. Should you consider the safety of having independent financial means? Yah, probably.

[u/baituwave → u/sja252]

This is the perspective I want to hear. Can I dm you?

[u/sja252 → u/baituwave]

Sure

[u/Epiphany8844]

I feel this. I am an architect and I feel like I worked so hard and for so long to achieve this, but now that I’m a mom I feel ashamed for both continuing to work and for wanting to stay at home because I feel like I would be throwing my career in the toilet. We also could survive on my husband’s salary but he hasn’t really offered that, and he’s always been attracted to my ambition so I feel like there’s an additional risk in becoming a SAHM. The motherhood paradox is wild.

[u/idontwearsweatpants]

No one is forcing you as you’re a grown woman. It sounds like you could benefit from some therapy to navigate your emotions.

When I wasn’t working I had an agreement with my husband in place that he would pay me for my time raising my son. That and we calculated the loss of potential promotion and income gained while I was home with my son. You could set up similar agreement. I have my own money saved if anything were to happen. I did not earn the same amount obviously but I had enough where I felt comfortable and safe. Discuss this with your husband.

We had a lawyer draft up a contract for this even and I don’t understand why other stay at home moms don’t negotiate this. I know it’s YOUR kid but you’re sacrificing your career to allow space for his to grow essentially. Women diminish their own needs way too often.

[u/Alarmed-Doughnut1860 → u/idontwearsweatpants]

This is a weird framework around money to me.  But ultimately it's a good system if it works for yall.   And you are absolutely right. There are legal ways to address the concerns about security.  And partners should discuss these concerns.  And a system that works ( like yours) leaves both parties feeling comfortable and safe.  

[u/Frosty_Animator_9565]

I think the key here is that you feel forced to work. That’s different from someone actually being forced to work, which is rubbing some the wrong way. It’s still a valid feeling and doesn’t feel good. You have a choice - keep feeling this way, or get some therapy and work on your issues.

[u/ELnyc]

I feel like this is a common feeling among lawyers (not necessarily the same backstory, but reluctance to stop working even when it’s not financially necessary and is not enjoyable). I now work very part-time (like I bill a few hours a month, if that), and when I made the jump I definitely felt nervous that I was being irresponsible/judged for no longer being an overachiever. However, I only get one life, I did not enjoy being a lawyer, and it wasn’t financially necessary, so I was just punishing myself by continuing full-time.
If you can figure out a way to do it (which I recognize is not easy in this field), I highly recommend finding some kind of part-time arrangement because it allows you the benefits of more time at home while also slow-walking telling friends/family - e.g., my parents have no idea how little I work now, and I’m not in a hurry to enlighten them. Since I’m still on my firm’s website, it’s not immediately obvious that I’m not in the same role as I was. I also keep my license active, obviously.
As for the money part, I have a savings account in my own name that my husband can’t access. I originally had it for FDIC limit purposes and would use the money in it if it was convenient (e.g. contributing to my kid’s 529 account), but now I never touch it and all of our expenses are paid only out of our joint accounts. Obviously my husband could still try to screw me in the event of a divorce, but having more than enough money to pay a retainer if it’s ever needed makes me a lot more comfortable.

ETA: one other thing that made me a little more comfortable is that I didn’t quit full-time work until I had reached the requirement to get full social security benefits (assuming SS is still a thing by the time I reach retirement age, lol).

[u/Flimsy-Gur2347]

I feel this. I haven’t quit because I worry about what my marriage will look like if I’m not contributing financially, and how vulnerable I’ll be if i need to go back after a gap.

[u/20somethingytgirl]

Respectfully, you are not being forced to work. If I don't work, we literally wouldn't be able to pay anything.

I would love to be a SAHM, but it just isn't in the cards for me. I also have trauma from childhood regarding money and resources being yanked away at a vulnerable time. If things ever did change, I still would be very reluctant to let go of my stability, once something like that happens to you, it sticks with you. So I get your mom's feelings about it. However, you need to live your life as you please. If you wanted to go back to work or work part time after your child starts school or gets older, I'm sure you would be able. Enjoy your child's younger years if you feel that's best for your family.

[u/CorneliaStreet13]

We could very easily afford for me to stay home but a) we like having two incomes for a variety of reasons and b) I carry a lot of trauma after watching my successful father leave my SAHM mother after 20+ years of marriage and fighting her tooth and nail for every asset. I could have quit many times but I always find myself holding on because I’m too afraid to be fully financially dependent on a man, as nice as staying home sounds.

Can you look for a lower stress or more flexible role to keep earning while still allowing you to be more present at home?

[u/Devotchka77]

I understand your POV as well as your mom's. I was laid off for about 6 months while I took care of my 9 month old. It was great and I appreciate the time I had with my baby. Afterwards, I targeted and found a fully remote 8-5 job. My husband makes money but most of it goes to him and his kids from his ex wife. There's little to nothing left over. My money protects my sons future as well as my independence. Maybe take a sabbatical? Or go try government work or part time?

[u/devilgoof]

I am by no means wealthy but I had a very similar upbringing in regards to having a front row seat to multiple figurative train wrecks. We are living a much softer life than they experienced in terms of stable relationships and being able to invest time in our child(ren). My mom says to always have an emergency fund in case you need to up and leave. I just took a new job and her biggest concern is if was getting paid enough to cover all the bills should I decide to divorce my husband. We are celebrating 20 years married in October. No immediate plans for divorce.

I understand what you mean by forced to work. Both external and intental pressure to keep working. Its the path of least resistance though. If you want to take the time with your child, please take it. Our time with them is finite. I started inviting my mom to things when she was available. We have taken the kids to a lot of fun places. We are going on a 2 week long road trip this summer. Her and my brother are flying out and meeting us for 3 of the States we are spending time in. This is a huge step for her and its taken us years to get here. Slow progress is better than no progress. Our children deserve the best version of us and our time. I hope you are able to find peace with whatever decision you make.

[u/ILikeToRead_Posts]

I understand where your mum is coming from. My own mother was a SAHM & then got divorced & still feels bitterly swindled out of the money she felt she was owed. She has always struggled for money since then & has relied on men to look after her/bail her out. She has worked a bit, but also never really worked a full time, demanding or well paid job because she never really developed the skill set.

From seeing my mum struggle so much, I never want to be in that position where I have to rely on someone else to keep me/my children financially safe & comfortable. That is partly why I choose to continue working. This is also even though I completely trust my husband.

Plus in reality I don’t think we could just live on my husband’s salary, nor would I want to put the 100% pressure of our household income on him.

Coupled with the fact that our generation is likely going to be absolutely screwed with our pensions & retirement (in the Uk) unless you save up a private one, this also factors into my decision so I am safe in my old age.

I do think there is a middle ground, where you work but on part time hours to try find a balance & spend more time with the kids. The issue is finding a great, well paid job that lets you do that….

[u/lawyermom112]

I'm not "wealthy" but I guess my in laws are (I am assuming wealthy means 10 million+) and my husband and I both still work since we don't get a dime from them.

That said, half my cousins have trust funds since my uncles are all worth $50 million+ for some reason. One of my cousins is a surgeon - she works full time despite having a trust fund worth 10 million+. Her husband is also a doctor and she made him sign a prenup to protect her assets since he only makes like 300k.

Another cousin doesn't work full time but is an Oscar-nominated filmmaker. He has 3 homes that my uncle bought him in different parts of the world. And some other cousins are trust fund kids who don't work. Another cousin started her own business with her trust fund. So it runs the gamut.

I think some people associate their identity with their career - which is fine, whatever works for people. If I had a trust fund worth over 10 million, I'd probably still work but only part time as a lawyer. The ideal schedule would be 20 hours a week IMO.

[u/baituwave → u/lawyermom112]

Your surgeon cousin sounds absolutely incredible. I hope to raise my daughter with that drive to go through the college and medical school admissions process. We are not at $50mil yet, but it’s possible that number will be reached when I’m old age :)

I’m afraid that I don’t lack the drive that your cousin has. My entire existence has been raised to have financial stability. Now that I have it beyond my wildest dreams. I don’t want to work full time anymore. I want to chill. Pick up my daughter at daycare and have a predictable, low-stress life.

[u/lawyermom112 → u/baituwave]

Yeah she is pretty incredible, but she's Taiwanese/Danish, so being a doctor is pretty par for the course/average for Taiwanese people lol. I feel like every Asian person I know who wanted to become a doctor became one.

The more unusual one is the Oscar-nominated filmmaker - he even went to the Oscars and met all the celebrities. He has three apartments around the world and just travels making films. He's been featured in the NYT, etc.

[u/lh123456789]

I scaled back. I quit the big firm and went into a legal policy role with government. It is extremely flexible so I can be around for school events or days that my child has off school. I pretty much only work the hours that my child is in school, plus a little bit after they go to bed. I took a big salary hit, but still make decent money.

[u/baituwave → u/lh123456789]

Interested in learning more. Is this a part time role? Is there a mandated RTO? What are keywords I can use to job search similar flexible roles? Thank you

[u/lh123456789 → u/baituwave]

It's a full time role, but it is pretty flexible if I want to work from 9 to 3 while school is on and then do a bit more on evenings or weekends. If I added it up, I would be hitting the full time 40 hours, but I have a lot of flexibility in how I distribute those hours. No RTO.

I'm in Canada, so I'm not sure of search strategies for similar jobs since you are probably in the US. My exact title is a senior policy advisor.

I also have friends who ditched big law to go in house. They don't have as much flexibility as I do, but they still have way better hours than they did at the firm, depending on the nature of the company and their exact role. I also have two friends who are lawyers in the public sector, one at a university and the other at a hospital, and they have pretty good work/life balance. My friend's husband does labor law for a large union and he has excellent hours. He is more involved in education and policy for the union than participating in bargaining/arbitration though. And finally, I have a friend who works at a legal aid clinic at a law school and has extremely flexible hours. She advises and supervises the students and loves it there. 

All of that is to say that the strategy may be to look for other law jobs that

[u/runnymountain]

Find a good therapist. Work it out. Retire and spend valuable time with your child 🫶🏼 Or work part-time if you desire.

[u/frankie19853]

My spouse and I are both high earners and could very comfortably live off one of our salaries and still save for the kids 529s, our retirement, etc. but my spouse wants to have financial independence ASAP, so I often feel forced to work when I’d honestly rather stay home with our kids until they become school age. He’s told me he’ll support whatever I decide, which is nice, but it’s complicated and I feel like it’d create a lot of resentment on his end. I enjoy my career to a degree but it’s very hard for me to be away from my young kids and I’m constantly overwhelmed trying to manage working and the needs of our family.

[u/GrouchyYoung]

Somebody judging you for not doing something is not the same as them forcing you to do it. You’re an adult. Make your choices and own them.

[u/Fluid-Village-ahaha]

You are not forced to work. You have a privilege of choosing. You just choose to work. 

And yes your mom is right in things she tells you. Great marriages ends in bitter divorces - same as bad marriages may survive and continue for years. It’s up to you and your risk tolerance. 

Individual wealth and financial independence is fantastic and very powerful. 

We have been solid HENRY for a long while. Either can quit. It’s just not what I want 

[u/nothanksyeah]

You aren’t being forced to work. Nobody is forcing you.

Your mom wants you to keep working. It’s up to you to decide whether you’re going to let that dictate what you do with your life.

[u/lightestsquire]

I am also a (divorce) lawyer and I share the same concerns. I have two boys, 4 and 2 yrs old. I’ve been running my own gig for 15ish years and honestly, I was turning into a monster. Super impatient with my kids, always on my phone when we were together, eating poorly bc no time, and just overall unhappy. My husband earns far more than I do, and gently suggested over time that I take time off. It’s a tough pill to swallow after years of being taught to never rely on a man, be financially independent, etc. For perspective, I am the first to avoid being a teen mother, first to go to college, and the only professional in the family. The pressure was real.

Having said all of that, I am an excellent mother and truly enjoy being with my kids and teaching them and watching them grow. It’s beautiful. A bunch of lawyers in my field said to take the time off while they’re young because it only happens once. And now that I’m doing it, they’re right. After paying off my student loans, buying our home and paying off a ton of debt, I’m in a place where it can happen. It is truly a privilege. I am winding down my practice for the next few years, and I am okay with that.

I have equal access to our money, title to the house and cars is in my name, and my husband is a gem.

Everyone in the household is much happier than we were a year ago. My kids do go to preschool some of the week, but other than that they’re just with us. We don’t have a ton of extended family nearby so it’s literally just us. We get date nights like every 3 months.

Not sure what type of law you practice, but contentious family law litigation is extremely toxic - clients, opposing counsel, and opposing parties. It just wasn’t sustainable long term after we had our second child.

PM me if you want to chat.

About your mom, you should have a kind heart to heart with her to explain your feelings. Her struggle must have been so freaking hard, I can’t imagine. But you are a mom now too and what you can provide your children is much different, in part thanks to her. I think if you both can get to a place of understanding, you may feel better making the decision.

[u/baituwave → u/lightestsquire]

Congratulations on your decision! Thank you-I would love to chat over a PM. Sending now.

[u/EnterCake]

I am also "mentally forced" to work having watched the woman in my family end up in bad situations because they didn't have their own money.

You say it's your mom, and your inability to ignore what she says on the subject, but given how capable you are, it's probably your own thoughts that keep you working.

It's not necessarily bad. Many of us working mom's are in the same boat.

[u/pinkmug]

We have a HHI in the 7 digits. I work part time. I’m still able to do all drop offs, PTA, all school events, and spend after school and weekend time with my child. I would still choose to work not because of fear of needing financial security but because I would have nothing to do while mine is in school and the boredom and guilt of that would eat at me.

If being present for your child truly matters you could probably take a part-time consulting role in house for a smaller company, become a consultant, or simply take a “power pause” for a few years.

However as someone who could afford not to work I probably wouldn’t do it unless I could find something significant to do the 25-35 hours my child is in school and activities most weeks.

[u/Nice-Ad3887]

Hi op, I can understand how you feel. I came from a household where both parents are doctors from another country. When they moved to US my mom became a SAHM. 25 years later my dad wanted to separate. He still takes care of her financially but I know she would rather not be tied to him. I do feel the same as you though I would love to spend more time with my kids like my mom. My core memories were me and my mom and brother just doing random things always when we were young. My kids are daycare kids and I hate when my toddler asks to stay home with me it just breaks my heart. We could afford to live on one income but my husband pushes me to work in order for us to retire early and really give our kids the ability to be set up for their future. He always says you don’t want to be like our moms. Which in essence I am guilty of because I do work and work hard but he handles our finances and investments. I do think of my parents, they seemed perfectly happy when I was a child so I suppose truly anything can happen in a marriage down the road. I do feel the same as you and wish I can be a SAHM while my kids are little and go back full force when they’re older and in school, but unfortunately I will never stop because I do not want to ever be in my mom’s situation especially after so much schooling and time out into my career as well

[u/Little_Rhubarb]

Your mom’s trauma is hers and hers alone to bear. Don’t let it continue through the cycle through you to your daughter.

Your mom’s fear is absolutely rooted in love, but it’s not allowing you to parent and live how you’d like to and how you know you’d be able to.

There’s a compromise somewhere, perhaps counseling will help you get there.

[u/boo1517]

If you want to stay at home and you and your partner are on the same page about chores, finances, mental load then do it.

I am a “professional” working mom with certifications and my husband and I agree that if we can swing it where I can take some time off then we will do it. I’ll keep up with my continuing ed hours so my licenses stay active. I’m unsure how your field works but maybe you can do the same.

[u/SnooCheesecakes6924]

I could’ve written this, albeit a few differences. My mom was poor, divorced & dependent growing up which left a lasting imprint on me. My husband quit his $200k+ job to be the stay at home dad because my business does exponentially better than that. I could easily let him go back to work and stay home (which would be his preference), but my upbringing won’t allow me to do it (without therapy I guess). I am not forced to keep working, but in my own mind I am. I am also mid-30s and want more children, but not sure how it’s possible at the moment. No advice just solidarity.. ❤️

[u/HicJacetMelilla]

A few thoughts off the top of my head. Taking a few years off is something fairly common even in your professional circles. There’s also the option to go part-time. I also know a lawyer who works remotely and her job seems pretty flexible.

If you’re wealthy, I feel like that should put all of your mom‘s fears to rest, no? Like if you quit your job and decided to stay home for good, is there enough money for you to live for the rest of your life and raise your child if something happened to your husband? Is there at least enough money to give you a 2 to 3 year runway for finding a good job again? Because really that’s the only question.

We are not wealthy, I would call us middle to upper middle class, but that’s only because we have hit 1M in total assets. I work because there is no inheritance waiting in the wings. I keep working because if something happened to my husband, I need to be able to raise three children alone. There is absolutely no money out there coming from family or anywhere. It’s all on me. I’m lucky that I have a job where I feel like I’m giving back to society, even if I don’t love everything about it and it’s not my dream job.

I took a year off after I had my third baby because I really wanted to spend more time with him, knowing it was my last baby. I would encourage you to maybe just start with a year off (or find something part time) and see how it feels. I will attest that it’s a bit scary going into it, but if you have your finances worked out, you just have to trust that your math is right and believe in yourself in your ability to get a job later. The economy was great when I took my year off and I got lucky getting a job back at the same organization. So take a hard look at your field right now and figure out how realistic any of this is.

[u/Fkingcherokee]

If you have your own bank account and then a shared account for bills (as most modern relationships do) you should have no issue setting up a savings account as a financial bug out bag. Your mom's worries are valid, but there are other ways to protect yourself and women have been finding them for decades. Back in the day, women would collect jewelry with real precious metals and stones to sell if shit ever hit the fan and that is always an option for the wealthy.

[u/SleepyPaintingPerson]

I work because we need two incomes but even if not I would want to. Part of that is because of family history - my grandpa died young leaving my grandma to support herself and her kids. Luckily she had trained as a teacher. My mom was divorced young with little kids before she married my dad. I don't believe in not being able to support yourself. 

However, you say that your mom's trauma is keeping you working. It sounds like yours is... Otherwise why would it matter what your mom says? 

If you want to not work put aside whatever amount of money would make you feel safe and be a stay at home mom (after discussing with your spouse of course). 

[u/yenraelmao]

I don’t know what level of wealthy you are, and I agree with everyone that the bigger problem is your boundaries with your mom. Having said that one of my friends who is also rich has been going through a very nasty divorce and the amount of money exchanging hands and going towards that is like truly mind boggling to me. I wouldn’t use that as a reason to keep working or not, but I would just take that into account that divorces can be so very expensive esp when your networth is high.

But maybe finance wise it’ll help to talk to a financial advisor. I have like barely any money and talking to one still helped us a ton as a family to formally establish a plan going forward. I wanted to work less as well , and having one allows me to make plans and see what the trade offs are instead of hand wavingly say I have lots or a little bit of money.

[u/coldinalaska7]

You are not your mom.
You have a lot more choices and options thanks to your education and spouse pick.
Go part time. I did. Best of both worlds. You get to keep your skills, but spend more time with your child.

[u/Cool_Attorney9328]

You aren’t being forced to do anything, it’s a choice. Your mom is not the boss of you. Repeat that to yourself. A lot. Now, that said, I am also a lawyer and I kept working both because I love it and because we need my income to support our lifestyle. I am now in my mid-40s, and more than one of my mom friends who “married up” and stopped working are now finding themselves in the middle of nasty divorces where they are freaking the fuck out because they depend on their husbands to survive. It’s brutal. So if you choose to stop working make sure you are covered. Best of luck.

[u/corgcorg]

Can you afford, financially and professionally, to take a year off? Or to switch to a more flexible position? I took time off for both kids when they were little (one year turned into several during Covid, oops). It did set my career back but I didn’t have trouble finding work later. Your mom has some valid points, but her delivery makes it seem like the sky is falling when it’s not. Even if you stopped working and then your marriage blew up, it’s not like you don’t have your attorney license to fall back on. It really sounds like you have options.

[u/goobiezabbagabba]

I think if anyone is qualified to make the decision to stop working, it’s you as the attorney. Idk what area of law you’re in, but you know enough about contentious divorce proceedings to not be naive about the “what ifs” of your situation.

I’m a paralegal and also had my only child mid-30s and I left my firm right after I went back from maternity leave…bc f*ck billable hours.

If there’s a way to work something out with your husband like a post-nup or whatever, then do it. But it’s still a big risk and if you feel like you want the financial security, you can always transition to something lower stakes. Obviously in house is easier but also hard to find, but you could always do something part time that doesn’t require the full commitment of an actual firm.

[u/Competitive_Score904]

Fellow lawyer mom here to say that the choice to work is not a binary - the degree of hours you work is also a negotiable if you want better work/life balance. I work in house at a bank, I do not work law firm hours and I would never do that. I am paid well and enjoy my work, but mostly the financial independence and stability my work brings for me and my family. My husband is a real one and honestly a fantastic partner - but even still neither of us wants to create a single point of failure financially be shifting to a single income.

Can you restructure the nature of your work to be more in line with your life priorities? Find a balance that makes YOU happy, interrogating what that actually means on your terms?

[u/Mental-Potential1825]

Being cheated on myself, I understand the cause of concern about abandoning your job to stay at home from your mom. I, at one point, did stay at home and realized after the affair emerged that I was in a vulnerable situation. I decided to stay and work through the infedlity but made a promise to myself that - although I may not like working - I will not put myself in a situation where I must rely on someone else for stability. I really don't think either option is wrong because at the end of the day, you have got to do what's best for you and only you can make the choice. Everyone's situation is different. We all wear different scars and have different experiences and traumas that have impacted and shaped our view of the world and relationships and home life. I'd still heed her word of caution to consider (I'm sure it's done out of love) but demeaning you isn't right on her end. It follows along the saying: "Bleeding on those who didn't cut us."

[u/clearskiesfullheart]

I kept reading to find the “forced” part. You have choices available to you. More choices than many other mothers. I’m sorry you are experiencing the fallout of generational trauma. Therapy might help you separate what’s yours and what’s your mom’s.

[u/BeginningWhile2943]

I watched my mom go through financial abuse during and after being a SAHM. I know my husband would never treat me that way but I still feel like I need to work to feel safe. Men can change, become disabled or die. You don't need to be bringing in the big bucks but unless you already have enough wealth you never need to work again, I would always keep at least a foot in the door. Try to find something part time. Like two days a week. Your toddler could do preschool twice a week and have three days home with you. I have cut back to 30-35 hours per week since kids and its helped but I regret not cutting back even more. However my career is still in okay shape despite not working long hours so there's that. Also pay for time back where you can (cleaning sevices, grocery delivery, etc.)

[u/Alas_mischiefmanaged]

With respect, can’t you just…not work as much? Why does it have to be all or nothing?

I was burnt out in my higher paying job, so I took a remote job that while still pays well, the wage has frankly stagnated over the last 2 years. My kids are 1 and 6, and I plan on riding this sweet gravy train of flexibility as long as I can. It’s not like it was a straightforward shift for me either. I had to take a few continuing education courses to comfortably pivot roles. And I’m still learning my role.

Sorry to oversimplify it, but if this is important, the middle of the road path is absolutely possible for you too, especially since you’re in no danger of being broke.

[u/Excellent-Ad-6272]

It’s always good to be financially independent.

But also, what happened to your mom may not necessarily happen to you.

I work, not because I love it, but because my visa is tied to my job and I can’t be unemployed without being dependent on my husband. It’s too much pressure on one person (what if he loses his visa too?) and even though he’s okay for me to take a break for a few months, I worry too much. We have a very high net worth so we don’t need to work at all, but that’s not the only decision that drives us.

Your mum seems to be projecting her anxiety on you, and it’s not very nice if she does call you names for having an opinion. My mom does that too, and it bothers me on and off, but I’m learning to ignore the jibes. If you can talk to her about it, go ahead and do so. But at 72, I don’t expect much will change. My mom is younger than yours and she’s pretty set in her opinions too.

You really can’t predict what the future of your job market will be. But if you need a break, you should take one.

[u/BiofilmWarrior]

INFO: Have you considered taking a sabbatical, looking into job sharing or finding a part-time position?

[u/spicycucumberz]

🙋🏻‍♀️ also a lawyer. But only “forced to” in the sense that I’m running from something (though just not quite sure what).

Doesn’t really matter because I’ve hit a fork in the road at my firm. I just made partner on a fast track, and unfortunately some of the partners who took longer to get there aren’t too happy and thanks to politics, I’m effectively being pushed out (having to turn away my own work bc those other partners are being allocated support staff/successfully turning support staff against me/being told I need to help other people instead of bringing in my own files). Made me realize how fucked up this world still is for women and that my kids need me more than I need this.

It doesn’t really sound like anyone’s forcing you to work… more like you are forcing yourself to, maybe due to something you quite haven’t figured out yet.

[u/QuitaQuites]

Well first you know that you’re not forced to, you feel like you have to, that’s for a discussion with your therapist and your mom isn’t wrong about being financially secure - meaning do you have your own retirement accounts your husband is going to be making deposits into regularly at the same rate as his own? Do you have a separate account in your name? Life insurance? A plan/savings if he loses his job? Not because of your husband but because of the world around all of us.

[u/baltasarblack]

I try to live by a certain ruleset where I keep a check on what I am capable of earning by myself, and not to take the luxuries of having two incomes with my husband being a higher earner than me get me too spoiled and take things for granted.

So in my mind I try to remind myself to keep being ok with a simpler life which would be carried solely by my income. Being financially trapped in a marriage seems like a prison to me.

With that mindset I have started working less (parttime). It still is kinda difficult because I get more satisfaction from my work and raising kids is not seen as a very big achievement in life. Sometimes it feels like a lobotomy.

So yeah go work less but keep a check on what this means in case you ever become a single parent. Enjoy it while staying vigilant and prepared.

These are my views on these matters.

[u/whoseflooristhis]

I mean, I’m “forced” to work in the sense that I live in a capitalist society with little to no social safety nets and everything is hella expensive. I would still like to work in theory, but I’m also a lawyer and haven’t been able to land a job that isn’t incredibly toxic. 

[u/nonnewtonianfluids]

We aren't buy a yacht wealthy, but we are in the top 10% of Americans and in a LCOL area. I am a part-time WFH engineer and I don't work very hard, but I still like working. I enjoy having my own options and my husband is much tighter on spending than I am. I will just buy things I need and he would still be eating gruel for breakfast and spaghetti every night if not for me. 🙃 so I don't like to have to ask for money and didn't want to leave the workforce so I kept my job.

My mom was a stay at home mom to my MD dad and their marriage hit the fan when I was about 16 when she hadn't worked for 15 years, so your mom is probably trying to encourage you to keep your options open because of her own experience. But at the end of the day, make your own decisions. Your mom sounds like mine and my brother always says to me, "if I ever want to hear why not to do something, I call our mom." So you can listen to advice, but still make your own choice.

I am probably the first in line if layoffs ever come (unlikely because my company is expanding and we are not slowing down), but I went into my situation knowing that I had to make adjustments. My husband outearns me by over 2x right now. He also inherited much more than I ever will. I don't worry about it. He would support me if I didn't want to work. He hardly had an opinion when we had the discussion after our first baby. I didn't want the burden totally on him so I asked my employer for flexibility and I got it. So if you're unwilling to totally walk away, then negotiate or make a change. Being financially secure means you have power when it comes to employment. There is power in being fine no matter what the outcome is. The worst they can say is no and you make your choice to stay or go.

If they lay me off, I'll probaby go to a local company and easily double my salary. I've been weighing that because I've always been driven, but my husband is chasing career moves which might have us moving again and I like being more domestic and taking care of our son right now, so I'm not chasing pain until I have to.

[u/RationaleDelivered]

What if you drop to part time? Is that feasible?

[u/Infamous-Goose363]

I completely understand your mom’s fear due to her experience. However, you need to set boundaries with her. It’s not ok to speak to you like that.

If you want to quit and you feel financially stable on one income, then quit. Is PT an option so you get to stay in your field and have a break?

[u/Even_Guidance_6484]

The moral of this study is not so much work with one eye open, it’s be careful who you marry. There are so many men who want to be providers and love to support their wives staying home without any abuse (financial, verbal, etc). I have friends who were smart and married the right men. Can people change, sure but women just need to be pickier and smarter, myself included. I work because I have to, unfortunately. I have a lot of resentment because I can’t live the life I want to. I also am married to someone who wasn’t happy with a PT job I worked once upon a time and threatened me with divorce so I went back FT and got a different job and now I wait to decide how I want to spend the rest of my life.

[u/LadySwitters]

Hey, 44 year-old attorney here and a mom of a kid as well. I don’t have the same kind of abusive past that you do, but I have the financial trauma of being a first generation immigrant family. I honestly never thought I’d stop working until retirement age, but here I am. My husband makes more than enough for me to be a semi useful house cat and I am taking advantage of it. I i’m not taking advantage of him however. This was mostly his idea. I think what helps is that he wouldn’t be able to cut off my financial access, I have full access to any and all of our finances. If you were to stop working, would you still have access to all of your funds? Is there a prenup that would leave you destitute if you were to divorce? Also, is your career the kind that if you quit for a year, and didn’t like it, you could come back ? Finally, ask yourself if he’s a generous human being. You’re pretty used to spending money on yourself however you feel like, and if you continue doing so assuming it is within your family budget, is he gonna care? Is he even gonna look and check? I am going to guess based on what little I know about you that you probably wouldn’t enjoy having to justify buying yourself treats or new clothes or whatever it is that you want and so you have to see how that would work with your husband. But if your answers to all of the above are positive, I really don’t see a reason not to try it.

[u/mixed-beans]

If you wish to stop working and your husband is supportive, then I say go for it. You don’t get the time back with your kids.

You are educated and have work experience behind you so it wouldn’t be too scary if you decide to work again. Another idea is to take it halfway. Setup your own business and do consulting or contract work part time.

My husband and I created a joint bank account after marriage. It was all in as we are a team. Not me vs him. I’m also having him finish up his degree so he could have more options for finding work if something were to happen to me.

In another perspective (God forbid), if your spouse got injured or passed unexpectedly, what would you do for income? Could you find work easily or have enough of a nest? That’s kind of what I’m setting up for my husband, to be able to support himself and our son if something happened to me as I’m the primary earner.

Second idea, open a joint bank account with your mom and deposit money each month as her allowance. She can use it, or save it for you as an emergency fund. May put her at ease a little, and if she spends it, then that’s on her and tells you how serious she was about her warnings.

[u/pinap45454]

Similar situation. I took a big pay cut to take an easier job because I wanted more bandwidth for family but not to be a SAHM. It’s also very possible to leave the workforce while protecting yourself financially. I could not parent how I wanted to while working in big law and have found a happy medium.

We now rely more on my husband’s salary but our finances our combined except our investment accounts which we have full transparency on and consider totally shared. The point is, I could not be left without money by my husband.

[u/Mobile-Flatworm-7209]

Have you thought about a post-nup (if you don’t have a prenup) in the event of leaving the workforce? It could dictate things like always funding a spousal IRA for yourself, pre-negotiating alimony (or lump sum buyout) in the event of divorce, etc….

[u/baituwave → u/Mobile-Flatworm-7209]

Lawyers make the worse clients. If I bring up the topic, it will hurt his feelings. Plus, post nups can be litigated so I’d pay legal fees

[u/Mobile-Flatworm-7209 → u/baituwave]

Very true, but that’s sort of the only lever you have to pull here? If your partner also wants you to stay home, that would be a non negotiable for me. Is there a way that your husband could “pay you” a salary? If he has any 1099 income he could make you an employee so you’re still contributing to social security.

I’m in a very similar situation (minus the guilt from your mom) where I would like to maybe stay home, and my husband would very much like me to stay home. But I’m terrified to be honest about the financial situation that would put me in.

[u/WorkingFTMom2025]

Arrange working part time with your current employer and get the best of both worlds!

[u/turquoisebee]

Isn’t there a middle ground? Can you work part time? I don’t know if freelance or consulting work is a thing for lawyers but maybe you could do that and set your own schedule.

[u/tannahvanna]

My dad was a great dad growing up. My parents marriage was normal. He went through cancer three times over the course of his middle age, and then became addicted to opiates, alcohol, marijuana etc that he used to cope with pain. He became depressed. He then got long COVID. He became a totally unrecognizable person. He ended up taking his entire 401k (that was intended for BOTH of them to retire on) and blowing it on strippers, a boat, drugs, and who knows what else. He died of a heart attack a few years later. Yeah, for me, I will always have a job and make an income. Because you never know what can happen. Even if you love and trust your husband completely, there is no predicting what life will throw your way. It’s unfortunate but I do think it’s smart.

[u/baituwave → u/tannahvanna]

Sorry for your loss. Thanks for sharing your story. It hit on me. Life is unpredictable. One can never ever rely on someone else. I’m sorry your mom had to go through that

[u/tannahvanna → u/baituwave]

Thanks. I will say though, she shouldn’t speak to you that way, and if you truly are financially sound, there’s no reason you couldn’t pull back on your career while your child is small and then get back into it once he’s older.

[u/Hedwig207]

I get what your mom is saying. It’s important for women to be financially independent. If you have enough savings, you could take a 1-2 year break doing things you want to do. But do plan for the worst case scenario. If your husband were to cut off your access to his money, would you still have enough for you and your child? You can always go back to work when you feel ready. It’s also okay to take a break. Being a working mom is hard, especially when the kids are very young. Once they are spending the full day in school you can decide how you spend your time.

[u/Additional-Check-958]

I am so proud of you, for having your own wealth. Take one step at a time you will figure out what works best for you.

[u/no_cliu]

This is called“Golden handcuffs”.

Make a financial plan and a bucket list. Plan a sabbatical or a micro-retirement mid career. Enjoy your life. Evaluate time vs money.

[u/Intonti]

Just work as a part time consultant for a few years

[u/OhCacoTva]

Not quite the same, but we had enough. I was a stressed out middle manager working too much for a evil company (MCO) and one day I quit. One of my kids had a lot of medical appointments for a short time they didn't want to let me use my pto for and we made some other life changes (school at home). I immediately started part time then to self employed as the idea of not working was so distressing but honestly I don't HAVE to work. We still vacation, spend without looking, and no bill gets missed. I see how your shoes may feel and know I cause the babysitter scramble myself when they are out of school but I just can't go fully SAHM.

[u/whitetrashroyal1334]

Honestly, I kinda agree with you mom on this one. Money is power and power is what keeps you and your family safe.

That being said, we’re not wealthy. If one of us didn’t work, we’d qualify for govt assistance and be scraping by. I came from lesser means than what I have now. So that colors my response.

[u/Infamous-Box-5166]

I am not forced to work, but I try to think along the lines of your mother. Even though I can afford to quit working, I try to hang in there to ensure I am teaching my daughter that women can work and have their own money and don’t have to depend on men. Happy that you have the option to quit. Your mom is giving you wise counsel. I think you could shift to working at a less demanding firm or start a solo practice if you want a better work life balance. Options are not binary. I was a lawyer but left the practice of law over a decade ago. I am now in another industry with better hours compared to big law.

[u/Lucky_Bookkeeper_934]

Part time?

[u/Ok-Pause-6299]

I try not to make decisions from a mindset of fear or scarcity. Easy to say, but very hard to put into practice. 

[u/Mental-Potential1825]

A lot of lawyers on this thread. I'd be curious to see if there's any family or divorce lawyers that often time see the woman left high and dry when a split happens if she stays at home? My understanding is you can only get alimony under certain conditions and sometimes after only being married a set number of years. OPs mom maybe harsh in her delivery of the message but I think it's a realistic concern to consider.

[u/tennisdolphin]

I used to hear this advice from women (not necessarily directed at me), and then I met my husband. While I’m choosing to work to maintain a certain lifestyle, I know that if I needed to rely financially solely on my husband, that I don’t have to worry. So, I think only you can know for sure what kind of person you’re married to, and if he’s someone you can’t count on should you get divorced or the situation changes.

In your situation, do you have anything to worry about if you get a divorce, like did you sign a prenup? If not, then I wouldn’t worry financially. You just need to be honest with yourself about whether your husband will take advantage of you being a SAHM. It sounds like he’s not that type of guy!

[u/charlybell]

Or work because staying home all day would be the end of me. Also, i never want to depend on a man for $

[u/Rootless_Cosmopolite]

I see by the comments that most people don't understand how it feels to be "forced" to work. I understand it fully. In my family women always worked, and it is something non-negotiable for my family that I will also always work. I am by no means wealthy, but I think that my family would survive on my husband's salary only. Still, I work even at the expense of my own mental and physical health, and sometimes have feeling that my current work will make my life much shorter than it was supposed to be. I talk about it to my family (husband, mom, brother), but it kind of falls to deaf ears. Their answer usually is: maybe you need something even more challenging! Or: ok, so start looking for another job now (while I'm too exhausted most of the time even to have proper dinner). 

[u/Material_Peanut_1431]

I feel this on a deep deep level. Also a lawyer, also grew up in an unstable situation, and I have worked since I was 14. I'm mid-30s and pregnant with my first, and I always thought NEVER would I want to stay at home, but I have toured daycares and I am like HELL NAW having all the second thoughts and wanting to figure out what magic middle ground allows me to still be employed and work as a lawyer, while also staying home with my child for a few years. No advice, just hugs!

[u/HeavySigh14]

You need to go to therapy, set up a budget, visit a financial planner, and then put your mother on an information diet. Why do you care what she thinks or about her trauma? Do what’s best for YOU and YOUR CHILD.