I'm m19 and I've recently just finished high school and since then my whole life went downhill again.

The past year started very hard (hardcore suicidal thoughts, hardcore sh, psychotic episodes) but with time I began to feel better and better. From december to may I felt very good like I rlly enjoyed myself, my life I couldn't even remember and imagine the life where I wouldn't want to live. But since I've finished high school I once again stopped going out because I don't rlly have friends (it's not because I can't make friends, I have aspd with bpd which makes everyone I meet boring, there's some expections but then it's just one person I'm obsessed with at the time and the obsession is psychotic makes me go crazy). Closed myself up again and the boredom and constant numbness makes me go crazy. Not only that, the shit I've did in the past comes back to me all at once (won't even talk about it but someone reported me to the police for stuff I did 2 years ago.) and now I'm stressed all the time also because I don't want my family to find out I'm actually a horrible person. I'm not interested in anything, I don't have any hobbies other than producing music but I'm so bad at it I'm not improving and I don't have anyone to teach me and there's literally a little to non tutorial videos on the genre I'm interested in making so I'm slowly giving up on it also even though it was always my dream to be good at music. I can't talk to people it seems stressful atm and just thinking about meeting new people makes me feel like I'm about to puke. I'd get a job but I'm so stressed because I often struggle with even getting up and I can't miss a day there no matter how I feel and it lowkey scares me. At least I hang out with a girl I kinda like lately so that's the only thing keeping me sane. I don't want to fall into another spiral of harming people just to feel something or harming myself. Idk what to do anymore where can I meet new people when I can't interact and when I don't have any interests. How do people even find anything interesting these days? It's beyond my understanding because everything seems so boring and I feel out of strength. Even started working out but since the results are non to little I give up slowly on it too. How do deal with this numbness and emptiness???

The title says it I guess. I'm M19 from Europe, I have a family, friends, I do fitness and go to the gym atleast 3 times a week. I speak multiple languages, I like having deep convos, I look decent, I guess I'm doing pretty well overall, but here comes the issue:

I see so many beautiful women, I always think about talking to them, but I never do it, I never go that far. One might say its insecurity, maybe just being shy, but for me theres an entirely different reason.

I dont want a commited relationship.

I want to flirt, talk romantically, spend time every day, hang out, but I do not want a true relationship. Its super draining to me because I want to have fun, I want to spend my time flirting and what not with whatever woman I find pretty, but most are super religious, or downright have a lot of expectations, like being in a serious relationship with them.

I get that most people just dont want this, and I respect it too. But I just cant see myself having something long term, atleast not now, atleast not yet.

Another problem is my type. I am very interested in Arab women, especially older ones. Most have their life together or are just strict and religious aswell, which basically prevents me from talking to them anyways, so I also just feel very unfulfilled with my preference and being unable to ever truly find someone like this. I guess I'm a jerk sure, but I didn't come here to be judged, just tell me about your experience in the comments.

Thanks for reading this, have a great day and see you in the comments.

Do you ever wish you could go back in time and talk to younger you. Like man I would tell myself so many things I would warn that once sweet child that it's a horrible world and what's worse it's everyone you know that you love that turns it into that kind of place for you. Your family, your friends literally people you thought you could rely on with throw you down a dark hole that you climb out of only for them to often pull you right back down with them because there having a shitty time. And to be careful on how much you let yourself feel what they do because in the end you end up not feeling much at all because it's easier to be numb and blind to it all rather then face what you feel until it's too much. And to cherish every moment with some of them because not everyone is bad just alot but some, some really are an angel and past a certain point quite literally are and is now an angle. I would make sure I'm prepared for what's to come in the hopes I don't turn out and feel like I feel now.

Thank you for reading

This is so stupid, but I genuinely feel like I’m going crazy. On Thursday night I drove home from work. I stopped to get a blizzard, so I know I had my wallet then. I got home, threw some trash away, watched a show with my family, and went to bed. When I woke up the next morning I could Not find it anywhere. I told myself I’d find it when I got back home… nothing. I have searched fucking EVERYWHERE. I KNOW (hope) it has to be here somewhere. But I genuinely can’t find it and it’s been fucking DAYS

I’m going to look again today but I really need my cards, medical card, and license. Not to mention the cash I’m losing out on. I’ve looked through my car, bedroom, bathroom, living room, kitchen, I even looked through the trash. I’ve asked everyone I live with and they’ve seen nothing. I’m at a loss here.

I feel so stupid, I’ve lost it at home multiple times but never like this, I’ve always found it within the day. I swear to god I’m buying a tracker for it.

I just got kicked out of a showing of the new Backrooms movie and I'm honestly still confused and pissed about it.

Before the movie started, there was a warning that if people were being rowdy or disruptive, staff could remove them without warning. What surprised me was that I didn't think I was being disruptive at all.

The things I did during the movie were stuff like quietly saying "uh oh," "whoa," or "ah" during jump scares and breathing when the characters were breathing. I also laughed a few times during funny scenes. I wasn't yelling across the theater, talking to people, using my phone, or trying to get attention. Most of the noises I made were pretty quiet and blended in with the movie's sound effects.

After I laughed for maybe the third time during a funny scene, I noticed someone aggressively crush their popcorn bag, stand up, and leave. A few minutes later a manager came over and told me I had to leave.

I was really pissed because I was actually enjoying the movie. I ended up driving to another theatre to catch a later showing, which meant getting home much later than planned. I wished I tracked down the people who reported me and told them to go f themselves. At the second theatre, I watched the movie the exact same way and had zero issues. People were laughing and generally seemed to be having a good time.

The first theater is usually the big, popular location where people go for opening nights and cosplay. I've seen much louder audience reactions there before. When the FNAF movie came out, people were cheering, shouting, and reacting constantly. I've heard similar stories about Minecraft screenings. Compared to that, my reactions felt pretty minor. This is why I hate Karens and wackos that like to destroy the fun and enjoyment of others enjoying the movie. If they were really bothered by noise so much they shouldn’t have gone to the movie theatre and stayed home. People laugh and scream in the movie theatre all the time especially in main stream movies it makes the movie more fun than having everything be silent the whole time. Ive heard people talk before during a movie and I don’t care. People are just assholes.

I experience like a nauseated and grossed out feeling because they are so shockingly easy for anyone and absolutely disgusting vile human beings.

So as you read the title of this blog, I am a 21 year old male virgin living, never had a real girlfriend or a real kiss, never felt actual flesh vagina, only silicone from a sex doll, and the fact that I'm 21 and still haven't had any makes me feel like a genuine loser in life, most of the guys and girls my age already know what that's like or are in committed relationships or have a body count of 5-8 already meanwhile I'm 21 still having thr adolescent trait like virginity and not even knowing what a woman's ass cheek feels like or touching a vagina since coming out of my mother's, this is a humiliating life and I have no one else to blame for it but myself.

I remembered the one time I was 15 and I was so close to getting that hookup until she changed her answer last second before saying my dick was small, that ruined my confidence very quick, I never tried approaching after that, now fast forward to where I am now, every time every SINGLE time I bring it up with someone I thought I could trust, they make jokes, make fun of me about it before turning around and being like "AcTuAlLy ItS NoT BaD CoNsIdErInG yOu DoN't HaVe tO wOrRy AbOuT StD's" like motherfucker apparently it is because you keep giving me shit about it, you're making me feel like an adolescent adult who's inadequate to you.

At this point I wouldn't even be surprised if at 40, I'm basically just gonna be Andy Stitzer from the movie and to think that realistically a lot of people as they age there comes a point where they don't wanna be someone's first anymore, in other words they want experienced people but how could I even get that experience if no one would give me the chance? I know I'm not entitled to anything romantic and sexual and that those things are a privilege, it just sucks you know..

To think you lost your chance to lose it in high school and now being an adult where you can't just date the same way in high school and you actually have to have something to provide, really just makes it feel like I'm never gonna experience it and I feel sad and frustrated from it all, the jokes to the negative notions attached to male virginity past a certain age and now being labeled as "dangerous" and knowing as people get older they don't wanna be someone's first anymore and the fear that I have to potentially be like this for longer..it fucking eats me up a lot.

Thank you for listening.

Hello,

Today my father came to the house (he does not live with my mother and I) and we went outside to talk to him.

I was talking to him about some investment choices I wanted to make and I went inside to get some notes I had. When I came back outside the conversation completely changed to be about me. My dad told me that I’m gaining weight and that I need to start walking more. I tried to play it off like I didn’t care. Then he left shortly after, and my mom said “you ARE gaining weight. It’s because you eat a lot of pasta.” And to be honest I snapped. I told her many times before to not remind me that I am gaining weight and she still did it. I yelled at her to stop but she kept telling me I’m gaining weight and smiling.

I already have a bad relationship with food. My mom knows this because she noticed that I wasn’t eating as much as I used to. That was a few years ago however. I fell into a bit of a binge eating pattern and have gained weight unsurprisingly. I’m trying to work on my relationship with food and my body though.

This whole thing ruined my day. I don’t want to talk to my parents for god knows how long. I would really love to relapse back into self harm but I can’t because summer makes it hard to hide. The only thoughts that comfort me are thoughts about going no contact with my family.

At least things will get better eventually. I hope everyone in this sub has a wonderful day/night.

If you haven't watched then spoiler warning.

The motive that led to those gangbangers killing Ricky is plain stupid.

So just because you bumped shoulders with someone, that means they'll now kill you and risk their own life along with all the criminal charges that come with it? All over a f*cking shoulder bump!?!?

I mean a more realistic motive would be if Ricky was constantly hitting on one of their girlfriends. Then the killing makes sense. But this is just plain stupid

Okay...

So I'm a trans girl. I'm 20, came out at 19. It's weird because a lot of the people I knew growing up, puberty hit them like a freight train. Maybe it hit me like a light breeze.

Even before HRT, I could never grow facial hair. Had cheekbones, little shoulders, long legs, soft voice... Like, I think it's kind of hard to convey the sheer extent of it, but you know how people who are trans talk about passing? For me, I only ever felt a struggle to "pass" as a boy, because I looked so much like a woman. And it should be a good thing, right?

Look, the flip side to passing well is that it can mean that things were way harder, before you ever knew you were trans. I would hate myself. I'd fake a deeper voice so people knew I was a boy. I'm Greek. And there's something Greek men are meant to do for a year once they turn 18, I'm sure you probably know what that is...

It wasn't traumatic because of my gender. If I was cis, it still would have been fucking awful. But this made it even worse. My country made me hate myself. Made me hate my image, nearly everyone I knew let me down because they either romanticized it, or pressured me to go- With the exception of my parents, both spent a few years in the navy and really really tried talking me out of going, they banned my brother from going as well, I fucking love them...

But yeah. I feel like there's a really difficult side to being able to look like my gender now.

Lately I’ve been trying to understand why certain memories from my childhood still affect me so deeply, especially when it comes to reconnecting with people from my past. The more I think about it, the more I realize these feelings are all connected.
Back around 2013–2015, I had a childhood friend I was extremely close with. We lived in the same neighborhood, spent a lot of time together, and during that period of my life he was one of the people I saw the most. At that age, friendships feel permanent without you even realizing it. You assume the people around you will somehow always stay part of your life in one way or another.
The last time I ever saw him, he came to my house to tell me he was moving away. I still remember that conversation clearly because before he left, I asked him, “Do you think we’ll ever see each other again?” and he responded with, “Probably not.”
At the time, it just felt like a normal childhood goodbye. I didn’t fully understand what permanent separation really meant yet. Even after he moved away, part of me always believed life would eventually reconnect us somehow. I thought maybe years later we’d randomly run into each other again, catch up, laugh about old memories, or continue the friendship in some way.
But years later, I found out he committed suicide.
Ever since learning that, something about the way I experience memories and unfinished relationships changed. That moment forced me to realize that sometimes people really can disappear from your life forever before you ever get another chance to reconnect, explain yourself, thank them, or tell them what they meant to you.
I think ever since then, unresolved connections have affected me differently emotionally. Goodbyes no longer feel temporary to me the way they once did when I was younger. There’s now this underlying fear attached to losing contact with people before getting another opportunity to speak to them again.
And I honestly think that’s connected to why this memory involving this girl from my childhood affects me so much too.
She was connected to my family through my mom’s godfather’s side of the family, and around that same period of my life we used to see each other often at gatherings. One specific memory from 2015 stayed with me more vividly than almost anything else from that time.
There was this dumb confetti fight that started during a family gathering. Another girl randomly threw confetti in my face, I threw some back, then my cousin joined in against me and suddenly everything became chaotic. It was one of those loud, messy childhood moments where emotions become bigger than the situation itself.
But what stayed with me wasn’t the fight. What stayed with me was her.
Out of nowhere, she stepped in and defended me.
Looking back now, I think what made that moment emotionally significant wasn’t the actual situation itself, but how it made me feel internally. In that moment, when I felt overwhelmed, singled out, and outnumbered, someone unexpectedly chose to stand beside me instead of against me.
It sounds small when written out, but emotionally it never felt small to me.
For some reason, that memory survived while so many others disappeared over time. Out of everyone from that period of my childhood, she’s the person who continued standing out in my mind long after everyone else faded into old memories. I think that’s because the moment represented something deeper than I understood at the time — feeling supported, defended, noticed, or cared about during a vulnerable moment.
Now years later, I’ve been trying to reconnect with her, not because I expect some huge outcome from it, but because part of me genuinely wants to thank her. I never got to explain that her small act of kindness stayed with me for years.
At the same time, I constantly worry that I’m “doing too much” emotionally. In my mind, this memory became deeply meaningful over time, but to her it may have just been another random childhood moment she barely remembers. That thought makes me hesitate because I don’t want to come across as overly intense or emotionally overwhelming over something that may have seemed insignificant from the outside.
But I also can’t ignore how real these feelings are to me.
The more I reflect on everything, the more I realize this isn’t just about nostalgia. I think part of me is trying to prevent another meaningful connection from becoming permanently unfinished the way things did with my childhood friend.
I think losing him changed the way I view people from my past. It made me realize how fragile reconnection really is. Sometimes you assume there will always be another opportunity later, until one day there suddenly isn’t.
And maybe that’s why this memory still matters so much to me after all these years.

Hi everyone. I just wanted to post on here as a way to get some things off my chest. I also want to know if anyone else feels the same way that I do. I want to start off by saying that I love my family. There are times where I have put them over myself. Now that I’m 21, I started to reflect on my childhood and it made me resent my family. I have a blended family so I have 2 older sisters from my dad’s side and 1 older sister from my mom’s side. My two older sisters combined have a total of 6 kids. I helped raise every one of them. Whether they like to admit it or not, I did. I’m gonna call my oldest sister Pam and the second oldest Emma.

I was 4 years old when I first learned how to change a diaper. As I got older my sisters continued to have kids without having any set stability. There are times where they have moved in and out of our childhood home because of the instability. They couldn’t afford to take care of their kids and live on their own. The fathers of their kids weren’t present so most of the responsibility fell on me and my parents. Since I was a child all I did was change diapers, cook for the kids, make bottles, bathe them, separate fights, comfort them, and so much more. It was so hard for me to take care of these kids because they were probably unstable due to the way they grew up. They were always angry and fighting each other and I was too young to manage them.

In the beginning of 2021 I remember texting Pam and Emma saying that I didn’t want to take care of their kids one weekend because I was tired. My family turned on me. Pam was upset and basically went crazy saying that she wishes she could leave the state and that she’s tired of this family. She also said how could I say I’m tired after she gave me $400 for Christmas 🤣🤣, as if money can erase the hell she and my family put me through. She said more stuff but it’s hard to remember. Emma said I was being disrespectful. My father yelled at me and told me that I treat their kids like I don’t love them. My mom was upset and going back and forth with my dad. I mostly remember sobbing in my room and being forced to talk to Pam a few days later. She gave me a weak ass apology and said she would make changes, but never did. I knew she wouldn’t change anyways, but my dad never saw past Pam’s inconsistencies. She always got a pass no matter how many bad decisions she made that would impact the whole family. I always felt like my dad put Pam and Emma before me, but seeing it laid out in my face clearly broke my heart. He didn’t care about how I felt, he only cared that I hurt their feelings because I didn’t want to watch THEIR KIDS. I was 16 at the time, Pam and Emma were 31 and 32.

That same year my uncle (my mom’s brother) passed away and my mom left the country to go to his funeral and spend time with family. During that time my Pam and Emma took advantage of my mom leaving and left their kids with me. Pam and Emma weren’t living at my house during that time. I had to take care of them and the house while trying to handle school and my grief. The same grief I wasn’t even able to process at the time because I had too much responsibilities. I had to constantly clean up after the kids, take care of them , and myself. This was something I always did but that year it felt different. I felt invisible, I felt like no one cared about me and how I felt. That year broke me because it showed me how they how little they cared about my feelings. How come I couldn’t have one week to process my thoughts alone, why did I have to take care of these kids? This situation made me hate my life and hate living even more. I struggled with suicidal thoughts a lot around that time.

What happened in 2021 with Pam and Emma stuck with me for a long time. I try to move past it but sometimes I feel stuck in the past. Everyone moved on with their lives and I’m still hurt and in pain by what they did to me. My dad is main breadwinner in our family. He babies Pam and Emma so he still provides for them and their children financially. There are times where he made me feel like a burden for asking for money for little things like my hair, nails, or other dumb stuff because I was a teen girl that loved shopping. But he was funding Pam and Emma’s lives no matter all the crazy things that they did and all the financial strain they put on him.

Now we’re in 2026, my dad still helps them financially and the economy sucks. I’m trying my best to manage with my part time job. I’m in school so that’s my main priority. I want to get a high paying job so bad but I know I have to focus.
Pam continues to talk about having more children knowing good and damn well she doesn’t have the financial or mental stability but that’s another story.

Everytime Pam and Emma talk about having more children it deeply upsets me. They were barely able to care for the ones that they had and they still want more. They don’t even care that they basically traumatized me and took my childhood away. The thought of having my own children scares me and it’s because of them. Having to constantly take care of children burnt me out and I’m exhausted. I’m tired of taking care of people and I’m tired of my family. I love them but it just hurts to be around them sometimes. They continue to make shitty decisions and don’t seem to care how they affect everyone else.

My question is how do I move on? I’m still hurt by them. I tried to talk to Pam, Emma, and my father but they don’t think they’re ever wrong. They dismiss my feelings. I just want to stop being so angry. I’ve always thought of having my own family when I get older but at the same time it scares me. I wasn’t allowed to have a childhood and I had to sacrifice a part of my life for my family. I don’t think I can do that again when I get older. I can’t think of anything else to say. This is so long so if you got this far thanks for reading 🤣.

People who exist without any sort of self reflection that they forget they live in a society with others just going about their lives day and night. Do they not have any friends who go "oh man you were a piece of shit with what you said to your friend over there" and just let it slide all the time claiming, oh well that's how they are, it's their nature!

I HATE RINGWORM I HATE RINGWORM I HATE RINGWORM I HATE RINGWORM I HATE RINGWORM I HATE RINGWORM I HATE RINGWORM I HATE RINGWORM

Hi Reddit this is going to be grammatically horrendous but bear with me.

I’m tired of my current financial situation and I wish I could erase the situation that led me here. Unfortunately my state is a no recording state so I’m screwed in that sense but grateful in others.

For context: I used to be a paralegal for this horrible attorney in downtown IL. I quit my other job because in the interview he made it seem like a legit job.

Newsflash worst boss ever. He originally was going to pay me 55k but in monthly checks. First red flag but I let it go since I knew he’s an old school guy and still does filing the old fashioned way.

But then came payday and he said there was a problem with my visa (I do not have a visa I am a citizen born and raised) but whatever I let it go and asked him 3 days later and BOY OH BOY did shit hit the fan.

He would make inappropriate comments about me and call and text me very late at night. I tried to talk to him about work and he would be like I’m not going to listen to you until you listen to me first in between other things.

When he finally paid me he said that due to my inconsistencies (which I do have evidence that I was always on top of my work) he was lowering my pay. I had to agree at least until I had another job. Long story short he refused to pay me fully and there were issues with my documents being held which I eventually recovered.

My savings? Gone.

My credit? In the gutter.

My last “check” was $300 CASH. Cause it was better than nothing mind you the asshole owed me $3,500.

I got hired by a company and it’s everything I’ve ever wanted and more but I’m still in the gutter financially and I’ve even considered things I never thought I would consider just so I can pay the $5,500 I owe.

I’ve had really dark thoughts over this situation and even thought about doing things I’m not proud of. I want to expose what happened and hold him accountable but I’m so scared of what he might do that I’m just tired of it all.

I want justice I want to be ok I want my cats back (had to give them away because I couldn’t afford them). I don’t want to wake up scared that one day I’ll be homeless. I haven’t eaten a proper home cooked meal since January. Surviving on ramen and water.

I don’t know what to do and at 24 I feel like there’s nothing left for me that I lost and that I brought this upon myself.

I feel stupid for not accepting what was happening earlier. I don’t know what else to do if I’m honest and idk what is there left to do

Self talk

i reposted a tiktok saying "our generation is so cooked we got girls calling themselves young hos and boys calling elliot rogher (a super misogynistic mass murderer) their hero". when i reposted this i mainly thought of elliot rogher, i don't care about what people call themselves actually. but eh. a girl saw my repost and sais "so calling yourself a young ho is as bad as idolizing a mass murderer ok" and i tried to explain myself but she got pissed. did i do something wrong ? i didn't wanna appear as someone with any kind of harmful idea, i didn't mean any harm and im feeling sad now. i genuinely don't know if im the bad guy, because i tend to easily accept the blame and assume i always fuck up

My(27F) sister(40F) is very difficult to live with entirely. Nothing I do is right despite not having clear communication from her it’s my fault. I can’t even have friends around without it being some investigation. Last time I hung out with my friend I took a selfie with her just so I have proof of who I’m with to get my sister off my fucking back.

I can’t leave my own house to go on a date without wearing sweatpants and a sweater over top of my nice clothes because I’m being watched by cameras outside that I don’t have access to,I have to decline rides to avoid the whole who is driving you where did you meet this person interrogation that would last for days like I’m probably the first woman in history to decline a ride from a guy because his car was too cool. Happened during my last date with someone, talk about going against what I believe in.

I can’t even go to the gym I like because she would get all pissed off. Like no I don’t want to go to the gym when she does, and no I don’t want to work out along side her, going to the gym imo is a personal lifestyle choice that should only revolve around your own schedule not someone else’s.

And do you know how difficult it is living with someone who literally questions your every move. I get up from the couch “What are you doing?” I go to the kitchen to get a drink or whatever “What are you doing?” I make my way to the bathroom or upstairs it’s always “Where are you going?”

I can’t take it anymore it’s wearing me out thin. Just for once I would like to be in the presence of someone who treats me like an equal instead of a child, someone who isn’t like defusing a bomb in every interaction. I’m tired of it

I decided to write a little bit let me know what you think.

I am extremely vulnerable, but it's only to myself. I cannot and will not be vulnerable outwardly because I know it's pathetic. I vent to myself, and I cry in the mirror, and it's sad and weak. My problems are my own, problems I've created, and I know that's true.

The only thing wrong with me is myself, and there are things I can do to fix that, but I know I won't. I want to be loved in a selfish way. I crave attention from others, but I will never let that attention truly see me. I seek attention, and I feed that need through myself.

There are two people in my brain and heart, and they fight. They fight all the time, and it's constant. It's a constant cycle of self-pity and self-hatred for the pity. I pity the way I hate myself, and I hate the way I pity myself. It's a loop.

I put myself in situations I think I deserve. No, I put myself in situations I know I deserve. I deserve to be in a relationship that's not fulfilling. I deserve the mental torment I put myself through for this relationship. I deserve to think that my boyfriend hates me, because why wouldn't he? If he actually loved me, there would be something wrong, because what kind of fucked-up idiot would love me?

The only real love I had, I ruined. I ruined it with my false perceptions. I ruined it with the way I twist things and the way I constantly let others twist my emotions and thoughts.

I'm pathetic.

I am a pathetic ball of rope that's tied and knotted. I am rope so dry-rotted and tangled that the best solution is to just throw it away. Trash the rope, because there's no point in trying to untangle it. The rope would break once unwound, once any weight or force is applied.

I am the rope, and I would snap under any pressure.

But it's okay, because I let myself become tangled. I let myself dry and rot. I put myself in this position. There was a time when I could have untied myself, but I didn't. I knew it was easier to stay tied.

For a while, I thought and I prayed that someone would come untangle me, to help me see my full length. But no, I don't deserve that. No one needs to save me.

The bottom line is that I don't need to be saved. I can see the light. I could walk toward the light. But I won't.

I'm well aware of where I am: deep in the dark, alone. I face away from the light. I turn my back and stare at the dark silhouette of the stone. I reflect on the rock and tell myself, "This is what I deserve. This is what I need."

There's no place for people like me in the light.

I wander into the light and pretend that's where I'm meant to be, but the voice in my head makes sure to remind me that I don't belong.

Sometimes I think about being vulnerable. What if I spoke these words out loud? What if I found love in sharing the stone cave that I've come to call home?

"What if."

This thought will always be a what if.

I'm afraid of saying these things out loud. It makes them real, and it makes me more pathetic. I'm a pathetic person already, and crying out for help feels like panhandling. Like a crackhead using the money of kind people to buy more crack. That same crackhead who will break into your home and steal, leaving behind dirt and needles strewn across the floor and carpets.

One day, that same crackhead will die.

There will be a funeral. Family and friends will show up and talk about his light, about how he loved, laughed, and showed kindness. But deep down, they know it's not true. They just tell themselves these things to feel better.

He was selfish, but he was aware of his selfishness, and that makes him like me.

I am a knotted, dry-rotted rope. I am stuck in a dark cave with my back turned toward the light. And I am a crackhead begging the kindhearted for money to buy more crack.

A few days ago my tooth started acting up. One of my very visible upper teeth.

If I take a hard step, or shake my head too roughly, pain flares up in that tooth. I’m assuming it’s a nerve thing, and every day that brushing 4 times doesn’t remove it entirely, I feel more and more like a failure.

I’ve never taken care of my teeth, and it’s often bit me in the ass. I plan to get my teeth fully replaced and perfected when I can afford it, but right now I have a decision to make:

Do I remove this tooth and look like shit to my peers, or do I leave it in my mouth to potentially spread an infection or just leave me in pain?

I don’t even wanna tell anyone because they’ll say “I told you so” and not take me seriously.

I wanna die right now.

So Im gonna put it as short as I can while still giving the full story bc there is so much.

My ex partner and I lived together for a few months last year and they treated my really really badly. After just a few weeks of living together they started being really closed off and barely wanted to be with me. If i asked them about it they would dismiss me completely and not even answer my question. Worth to mention that I was mentally unwell during this period, it was manageable but some days it was harder. They knew about this and when I was feeling bad I would talk to them about it and they would completely ignore that, even when I mentionwd I was feeling rly unsafe with myself. They would genuinely just ignore me completely, not a word and not even a hug.

Later on I saw a weird notif on their phone and since they had been so closed off I decided to go through their phone and found A LOT of sexting messages with their best friend. I confronted them about this and instead of saying sorry and asking if I was okay they yelled at me and told me I had ruinwd their life, that they were going to kill themselves and I could do nothing about it. I didnt even yell back bc I was scared they would hurt themselves. The next day they acted like everything was fine and kept that act up until I told them I didnt wanna be with them anymore bc I was hurting. They basically love bombed me in reply and I stayed.

Things started to get slightly better but they would still ignore me when I wasnt feeling okay. They even once said “if youre gonna be depressed you can be depressed away from me” even though I was just laying in the bed while they were gaming. Not bothering them at all.

This kept happening and then I find out theyd been cheating again and this time I left. They tried to lie again and that night when I had left they threatened to kill themselves again and also to throw out my stuff from the apartment. The next day I went with two friends to check on my things and they were there. It ended with them hitting me in the face twice.

We went back and forth after that, back together and breaking up. I felt powerless and they always found a way to contact me or I would crash out and text them. I was hurting so much and they had given me sm false comfort that I started believing it.

I finally left for good and they obv blamed me for being angry and for being so on and off with them. They said they had improved so why would I leave again?

I just feel crazy, I feel like I am a horrible person and that I really did leave for “no reason” and that I only hurt tghem.

Idk how to feel or what to do

7 years ago i was 16 dating one of the best things ever for me. Welp being a dumb boy I cheated. Because i unlike others have a drive thats way way way higher than most so for me it felt like i couldnt live without. And i lived in a horrible household. Abusive step dad mom who didnt care and another step dad who i trusted left both me ans my sister to start a new fam. Thats my sisters real dad. Me cheating tore us apart and 2 years later i moved. I have adhd and odd and i just couldnt handle it then. I met someone who gave me the same looks and smile and married her. But shes not her. And whenever kids are brought up i cant think about it because i cant help but wonder what ours wouldve looked like. Ive been married 3 years dating 5 now. And im another dumb guy that married before he was ready. And im stuck. Because i fucked the last one up really bad. And now shes doing great with someone else. And im stuck watching everyone move forward knowing i don’t have a plan anymore. I knew everything i was going to do with her. And now im lost as fuck. And i make plans and they are gone in a few days and im just fucked. Theres no left or right just the path forward and i can’t walk it yet. I dont know if i can walk it. I wouldve traded everything for her dude like abandoned my entire shitty family go completely off grid to anywhere for her. And the worst thing I could’ve done i did. I seen she added me however long ago on another social media account so i added her. About an hour later i got a message from the app again saying her other account added me. So i added her back. First thing i did was click on pictures. Its her and her gf. And i almost puked. I feel this pit in my stomach that wont leave. I cant close my eyes or leave them open without seeing flashes of her face in my mind. Like shes imprinted in me. And i cant vent anywhere. Theres nobody i can talk to about this ever. Hell i may have to delete this to make sure my wife doesn’t see. Because if i break her heart idk what i will do to myself after it all. Im permanently depressed and i needed to vent my truth out.

My entire life, I was living in a house with the worst people ever... my family. I didn't notice it at first. When I was a child, I would get ab**ed physically by my mom and sexually by my sisters in a country where the laws don't protect me. I didn't notice at first that it was abuse, and continued living with them as they provided me with a house, healthcare, food, and entertainment such as vacations, devices, etc. However, I felt a sense of distance from them at the age of 13, so I started making friends with people online. They were nice, sometimes I'd get upset when we fell out, but I'd always find a new friend group. When I was 16, I found a genuine girl online, so we started dating and planned to meet in my city during winter break. Until she blocked me, that's where I fell into anxiety and sadness. My grades were dropping, and I didn't know how to tell my family, so I attempted to gain their attention. Which I did, but they only gave me 3 days of break from school. They somehow found the messages of my online friends on my old laptop and forced me to discuss it with them and block them while my mom and sister were on my side, an embarrassing ritual. They threw all my mangas away because I showed my friends the mangas with excitement. I felt even sadder than before because my mom keeps bringing it up to me and how it affected her, rather than being here for me. She caught me a second time talking with my friends, and when I went to my eldest sister about it, she just blamed me for attempting because my friends "told me to do it," which did not happen at all. She just kept yelling at me on the phone for 40 mins during my school hours in the bathroom, while I merely cried and just wanted her to comfort me. I managed to keep in contact with my online friends to create a safe space from my family. My mom got even more aggressive with me, since I was older and in a new country, she didn't abuse me, only threatened to. Then my sister came to our house to stay with us for a while to be here for me. But it just worsened everything, one week before an important exam, she and my mom started yelling at me, you know why? Because I wouldn't show my mom's friend my dirty teeth (I was too embarrassed, and they were dirty because I fell into depression). They started saying how my being emotionless and not going outside affected them so much, and tried to make me tell them what's wrong. But I can't say that they're the problem... so I just blamed it on the bullies at my school, and they didn't even care, they just told me to go outside more and be nicer with them, and forced me to go to a restaurant that evening. Now I know I did badly on my exam because I couldn't study due to how depressed I was. More exams came, and I couldn't study for a single one because of my depression and how badly my mom treated me emotionally, always yelling at me, always threatening to use violence on me, preserving her love for my sisters rather than me. Now, after exams, she's still as violent as ever to me, and I realized how she always forces me to love her. She would always touch me in weird places as "motherly love," and when I told her not to touch me there, she would always say that she could do whatever she wanted. And how my sisters would always force me to cuddle even when I don't want to... how they always spam call and text me. I planned to go to uni abroad to be far away from them, but now that I know that I failed my exams, I'd have to take retakes and stay a year with her. On top of that, she'd be so mad when she finds out I failed my exams, look through all my devices to see if I talked with my friends, have an emotional breakdown saying how my depression affects her, and would just be worse than ever to me while I'm at my lowest. I don't know what to do because I can't prevent this event from happening, and I don't want to be with her for another year. I have no one apart from her and my online friends, with whom I can barely text because of how she always hovers near me. All I'm doing right now is crying every night whenever she treats me horribly, and the inevitable event that I mentioned. And I can't even tell my online friends because they always turn the issue back to them and just vent back to me.