r/stayathomemoms • u/witch_mom27 • 2d ago
Advice I'm feeling very alone as a new sahm (Long Post sorry)
So I (25f) had my daughter almost 4 months ago. My partner (23M) and I found out we were pregnant right after our 1 year anniversary and it was a huge shock. I've been the one solely taking care of her since he went back to work a month after we had her. He's a professional chef and works between 50-60 hours a week and pays all of our bills so that I am able to stay home with our daughter and I'm incredibly grateful. The problem is he doesn't really help with her when he is home. He loves her and misses her while he's at work but when he's home he sleeps in and he'll be up late playing video games but I'm still the one getting out of bed to feed her and put her back to sleep. Today really pissed me off because I have not been able to leave the house in 2 weeks because his truck needs new brakes so he's been taking the car to work. Today he was off and I had therapy and needed to go grocery shopping. This was the only time I was out of the house/alone in 2 weeks and I was gone for about 5 and a half hours. I called him when I was leaving therapy and he was clearly in a mood but I let it go. When I was checking out at the grocery store he texted me "where are you? it's been hours" and I told him I was on my way home. I got home and my daughter was propped up on a pillow on the bed and he was laying under the blanket next to her watching something on his tablet. I asked if he was ok and he said they were fine. I asked how long she's been awake and he said idk. He gave me "idk" to basically anything I asked and just wouldn't talk to me??? I took her and he rolled over and went to bed and I had to fight to get her to bed because she was so overtired. Idk what happened while I was gone but I'm so mad that the only "me time" I get is my weekly therapy appointment and grocery shopping and I couldn't even take my time and enjoy being out and around other people. Idk I just needed to vent.
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u/Mistakes4Souvenirs 1d ago
The first year is rough. Unfortunately, a lot can change for the partner that is staying home vs. the one who still gets to go out in the world. Like the other poster suggested, communication is key. Since you already mentioned therapy, can your therapist give you some tips on how to approach the subject?
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u/witch_mom27 1d ago
I can ask her, we've talked about our relationship plenty so she understands the dynamic pretty well
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u/ChristmasDestr0y3r 1d ago
I would not be happy about a partner who works long hours and then spends his free time playing video games like a teen boy either. He doesn't get to just check out of fatherhood and being a good partner just because he earns a paycheck.
Which begs the question: Is he just fried from work or has he always been a self-centered person who puts his own needs and desires before others? There's not enough of the story here. Like has he always worked long hours or just lately since you guys had a baby?
If he's fried from work because he took on more hours then I don't really see how that's worth it. I know it's important to be home with the baby that first year but it shouldn't cost you your marriage/ relationship.
Working in a kitchen is rough. My husband does construction and that is taxing on the body but working in a kitchen is mentally stressful, which is what sahp deal with too. How do two people with mentally stressful jobs navigate building a family together in a healthy way? I would ask your therapist and maybe get your partner in on those sessions.
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u/witch_mom27 1d ago
He's always worked long hours because of the types of kitchens he works at and me staying home is out of necessity because we can't afford daycare and if I were to go back to work any money I made would be just put towards childcare so it wouldn't be worth it
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u/Buttercake-nymph 1d ago
Sit down with him and tell him what you need. A lot of men really need to hear that something needs to get done/change.
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u/MundaneTea5822 1d ago edited 1d ago
Direct communication regarding expectations. Does he know how you feel or are you building quiet resentments not saying anything and trying to take in everything yourself with a pursed smile?
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u/Diamond_Rose68 1d ago
First off congratulations on having your child I understand it can be very tricky young. I had my first child when I was 17 my next child when I was 18 then 20 and 21 the first two were with people who sucked. Then I met my husband and we had two more children and we have been together for 19 years. It has been a very long journey, but I must say that that man has taught me a lot about relationships communication everything I have never had the opportunity to understand what it’s like to have a normal relationship and with saying that I must save this. It does not matter how much your man works 6080 hours whatever that is he still has a responsibility to take care of his child if he has time to play video games he definitely has time to watch his child and make sure that she’s going to bed at the same time. She would go to bed with you. Communication is key though so what you need to do first is make sure that you sit down and have a conversation with him when it’s bedtime for your daughter and relate to him how you’re feeling because if not, it’s going to build up a lot of resentment a lot of hate and it’s ultimately going to destroy your relationship and you don’t want that unless you do but from what I’ve been reading it doesn’t seem like you want that it seems like you just want some time for yourself as well which you deserve that but what I would say is communicate those things tell him how important it is that your daughter stay on her schedule that how important it is that he being involved more when he comes home. It’s OK for him to walk in take a break. Breathe for a few moments get a drink, but then get his daughter. I remember when I had my babies and my husband would come home from work. I just wanted to drop the babies in his lap because I just needed a me moment and I think that he should understand that all you are doing is being with a baby number two if he doesn’t have another car cause his car is messed up then drive him to work maybe and pick them up if that’s easier for you so that you can keep the car or maybe get a rental but for you to be stuck in the house absolutely not. Absolutely not. You need to let him know that you need time for yourself. So you need to pick yourself a day at least every other week or once a week if you want, where you leave the house and do something for yourself, whether it is to go get a pedicure, a manicure, both, a massage, something. And that is what I would do, period, because it is so important for you to take care of yourself so that you can be mentally, emotionally, physically available for your family. You cannot do that if you are so exhausted, resentful, etc. There is just no way. So if he wants you to be the best woman that you can be, that best woman needs me time. So I would make sure that you communicate that effectively so that you can start incorporating that into your relationship, because if not, the resentment is just going to continue to build up into something that is so large that you cannot fix. So if you love this man and want to spend your dying days with him I would definitely spit that out. Like I said I have been with my husband and I know how to maneuver through anything. If you need to chat please don't hesitate 🤗 Keep up the good work.
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u/AggressiveBother2670 1d ago
Have you had a sit down conversation with him about how you are feeling? I definitely think it’s important to talk about why he is detached at home but misses your little one at work. My bf was kinda similar he would put our son in his bouncer or swing and scroll on his phone. I sat him down and explained to him that understandingly he needs him time after his long days and weeks, but he is a father. Unfortunately it’s hard and draining but so worth it to be engaged in fatherhood. If he needs a second or an hour or something he it’s okay, but taking it while you are getting your own time will not work. Find the joy that comes with the hard times and live in the now while they are still little like this. Now the part on you not getting out is another part that needs talked about. Genuinely you as a person matters just as much as you as a mother/SAHM does. I find that when my bf went back to work the apartment we lived in felt draining even though before I had our son it didn’t. So the need to go out more often is completely understandable and honestly a must for your mental health. Do you live where you can go on a walk or simply take a blanket outside and lay down. Outside tummy time is a great way to get both you and baby out, just remember sunscreen for yourself and make sure your little one is covered up by shade or a light layer. 5 minutes a few times a day will even do, go get the mail, while your baby is sleeping (if using a baby monitor) set out and take some deep breaths. You as a person matter and you got this just one step no matter the size at a time. One day you will look back and be proud of the mother you are and the person you have become.