r/shortstories • u/noobvs_aeternvm • 22h ago
Humour [HM] You Can Sometimes Get What You Want
-It’s not often I say this, but when I do, know it’s from the bottom of my heart: I’m really sorry, you were absolutely right and I was completely wrong.
Kelly didn’t react, too busy her body and mind were with the effort of pushing her eyes out of their sockets, as she watched her red stained husband casually slip into the covers.
-What happened?!!!
-Exactly like you said.
-? ? ? !!!
-You woke me up, cuz you said you heard a noise, right?
-Right.
-Said someone was in the house and told me to check it out, right?
-Right.
-“Woman, let me sleep”, “Yada, yada, yada”, “Nag, nag, nag” and off I go out of the warm bed to check out the house in my undies.
-And then?
-Then you were right. A guy broke into our kitchen and was looking for things to rob.
-Oh my god! Are you alright?!
-Never been better.
-You’re covered in blood!
-Don’t worry, it’s not mine.
-The burglar escaped?
-I hope not. Burglary and zombie apocalypse in the same night is a bit too much for me.
-The guy is dead?!
-That or he’s the best opossum impersonator ever.
-Jason! You’re not supposed to do that!
-I wasn’t? What did you want me to do?
-Call the police!
-I’d have never guessed that.
-That’s what normal people do when a robber breaks in!
-No, I know that. But if that’s what you wanted, there’d be no reason to wake me up, right? We both have our phones by our night stands and, unlike me, you always remember to charge it, always remember our home address. If you called me instead of the cops, I figured it was because you wanted me to handle it on my own.
-Jason, you have a child to raise! What would’ve happened if this guy killed you?
-That’d be pretty bad, but thanks to your owl ears I got the jump on the guy and managed to stab him 38 times. Thanks, babe!
-You did what?!!!
-Ok, that’s more of a guesstimate, I don’t know exactly how many times I stabbed him, I just kept shivving his guts until he stopped moving.
-We need to call the police, now!
-I was thinking we could get some sleep and handle this by the morning.
-You’re crazy if you think I’ll be able to sleep.
-Really? So… you wanna…?
-No, Jason! No! We’re not doing it with a dead body in our kitchen! How do your noodles go there at a time like this???
-I dunno, like, big strong man defends his cave from invader, I feel kinda badass. Don’t you think your manly hero should get the girl after defeating the bad guy? (Wigles eyebrows)
-Keep it in your pants you damn horny ape and call the cops!
-Fine. If you’re not in the mood, you’re not in the mood. But after literally risking my neck to save this family, I think I deserve at least a day off work.
-Tell it to your boss, not me. What do I have to do with it?
-Think with me, Kelly. If we call the cops now, we’ll be up all night answering questions and handling red tape, then we’ll have to go to our boring jobs; but if we leave it to the morning, we’ll have a fullish night of sleep and a valid excuse to miss work.
-We’re not leaving a dead body inside the house! What happens if Timmy wakes up and finds it?
-That kid waking up before us? Our kid?
-Can you please just call the police?
-You seem dead set on having me, personally, call 911. After all I’ve done, can’t you handle this?
-I’m sorry for asking you to be a husband.
-No, babe, don’t get me wrong, I’m glad you called me and I’m glad to help, if nothing else because I know I’d be mocked to death if you handled everything while I was left snoring.
-Nobody would mock you for not throwing fists with a burglar.
-Have you met your brother?
-Nobody decent would mock you, I’m just asking you to make this call cuz we’re a couple, we handle things together.
-And we did. You heard when I wouldn’t, I defended us where you couldn’t and now we take our humble laurels, in the form of a good night's sleep.
-Jason, I didn’t feel at ease with that noise I heard and I don’t feel at ease with a corpse in my kitchen. That’s why I woke you up, not so that you would charge onto some guy like a caveman, but so that you could give me some peace of mind.
-So you don’t want any practical results, you just want me to do what it takes to ease your nerves?
-Is that asking too much?
-Once or twice, no. But I bet you lost count of how many times you woke me up in the middle of the night to do a round around the house; I most certainly did, so I thought I’d grab the bottle of ketchup and teach you a lesson.
-You got to be fucking kidding me.
-It’s a prank, bruh.
-Fuck you, “bruh”.
-Are you mad at me?
-YES!!!!
-But not nervous?
-Go to sleep or I’ll cover you in real blood!
After a night of rest, angry rest, but rest nonetheless, Kelly woke up next to a husband she was trying really hard not to slap out of dreamland. It was not untrue she had woken him up to check on strange noises way too many times, but he went overboard and she didn’t want to lose the upper hand.
She took an angry deep breath, wrapped herself in her robe and headed downstairs to prepare the family’s breakfast.
-JASOOOOOON!!!! - she yelled upon stepping onto the shivved corpse.
___
Tks for reading. More well meaning fools here.
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