r/scifiwriting • u/h_efx_krys • 10d ago
STORY Sci Fi script feedback please!
Hi everyone, I am new to this subreddit and I am creating a science fiction universe and would like some feedback on a script extract that I’ve been working on this week. This is Sci-Fi story with a touch of comedy and music, inspired by Star Trek, Guardians of the Galaxy, Red Dwarf, The Orville, Daft Punk’s Interstella 5555 and other properties.
For context, the story follows Dane Simonon, aka Sims and his service droid P.A.U.L.I. (Personal Automated Unit of Living Intelligence), who after an accident in their shuttle, are swept from the solar system into an unknown sector of the galaxy with much more developed societies, who they try and seek aid from in hope of returning home. They visit an ocean planet called Tenentia, occupied by an all-female species (because Sims is a h*rny bastard 😂). this extract that I have written, they are arrested for the footprint they bring into the planet by Di-Ora, a Tenentian prison guard, which sparks a cultural debate between the three characters about the difference of laws, morality, environment and technological development between Earth and Tenentia.
Anyway, enough waffling, here’s the script:
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1d8RtFl9DyYg-r0PpTQlTRt9sFgA6Fnwi/view?usp=drivesdk
Anyway, thank you so much if you read it! I have only started to try my hand in writing fiction recently, and it’s something that I would like to improve on and pursue, so any feedback, both positive and constructive, would be massively appreciated!!
2
u/prejackpot 7d ago
Format issues aside, this doesn't work because it's too on-the-nose for serious science fiction, and doesn't have the jokes that comedy requires. Let's deep dive into just the first few lines.
First off is the world-building implications that Sims finds himself captured on an unfamiliar planet, and his immediate reaction is to debate the law with his captor. This suggests to us that this is a routine thing for him: he's not even surprised that this alien planet has laws, never mind to be on an alien planet and be able to communicate with the aliens. We immediately see that Sims isn't really interested in understanding this world, or even building rapport with Ora. He comes across as a jerk, and specifically a genre-aware jerk. I immediately heard his voice as Zapp Brannigan from Futurama. He isn't worried (so we aren't either) and we don't like him. Meanwhile, Ora seems equally unimpressed with meeting an alien, and her whole planet apparently has laws about detaining aliens for being too noisy.
Comedy comes from the gap between setup and punchline. In a situation like this, the easy way to build that gap is to have it be between the jerk character's description of the situation, and then our objective knowledge of it. For example, having Sims complain about being detained for noise pollution, and then discovering that he broke every window in the city as he entered the atmosphere.
But then Ora's first line is
So in fact there's no gap between what Sims says and what Ora says -- and no opportunity for comedy. The gap (and the joke) could come from the planet having overly strict laws, but we don't see that either, and Ora's arguments seem to be playing it sincerely (vs e.g. having a planet with worldwide quiet hours while the birds nap, or something else that would feel obviously broad).
Some of the word choices are also unclear. In the first line:
seems to imply that Sims is accused of racism against outsiders, but that's unclear and never referenced again.
In the next line:
The "and all" that's thrown in there makes the entire line sound less official, like Ora is dismissing it, which seems to go against her character -- and doesn't match the tone of the rest of the line.