Sci Fi script feedback please!

[u/h_efx_krys]

Hi everyone, I am new to this subreddit and I am creating a science fiction universe and would like some feedback on a script extract that I’ve been working on this week. This is Sci-Fi story with a touch of comedy and music, inspired by Star Trek, Guardians of the Galaxy, Red Dwarf, The Orville, Daft Punk’s Interstella 5555 and other properties.

For context, the story follows Dane Simonon, aka Sims and his service droid P.A.U.L.I. (Personal Automated Unit of Living Intelligence), who after an accident in their shuttle, are swept from the solar system into an unknown sector of the galaxy with much more developed societies, who they try and seek aid from in hope of returning home. They visit an ocean planet called Tenentia, occupied by an all-female species (because Sims is a h*rny bastard 😂). this extract that I have written, they are arrested for the footprint they bring into the planet by Di-Ora, a Tenentian prison guard, which sparks a cultural debate between the three characters about the difference of laws, morality, environment and technological development between Earth and Tenentia.

Anyway, enough waffling, here’s the script:

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1d8RtFl9DyYg-r0PpTQlTRt9sFgA6Fnwi/view?usp=drivesdk

Anyway, thank you so much if you read it! I have only started to try my hand in writing fiction recently, and it’s something that I would like to improve on and pursue, so any feedback, both positive and constructive, would be massively appreciated!!

[u/h_efx_krys]

Thank you for your suggestion. This isn’t for a film, tv or any kind of moving visual media, probably for something more realistic like a comic. That is why I didn’t use standard script formatting, along with the fact that I’m not overly familiar with it and it is purely dialogue that I came up with for this scene. I would love to know what you think about the writing itself!

[u/whelmedbyyourbeauty → u/h_efx_krys]

Comics have standard script formatting as well.

The writing is not great. You need to read and write more, and not just little 'examples'.

Write something real, polish it, then post that.

[u/h_efx_krys → u/whelmedbyyourbeauty]

I am unfamiliar with any of this standard formatting and I am comfortable with the way I do it and it works for me. You haven’t really given me any criticism for me to work with if I’m honest, you just said that it’s not great and doesn’t make sense without the context. I posted this script because I would like to know what specifically doesn’t work about it, and maybe some things that I did well.

[u/Starhazenstuff → u/h_efx_krys]

It’s not in script format, it’s missing blocking, character actions: what are they doing, how are they reacting to what’s being said? Where are they?

This is the script formatting everyone here is talking about. It’s not: I prefer it this way, it’s just wrong.

[u/h_efx_krys → u/Starhazenstuff]

This is just dialogue, I wasn’t trying to follow script format, I just had the idea for this conversation that I wanted to share. If this script was for an actual film or TV episode then obviously I’d use proper script formatting and look into how to do it properly, but this is just for fun and I can’t possibly be wrong if it’s just a rough idea that I felt like doing. I wasn’t trying to showcase the formatting, I was showcasing the dialogue, which you haven’t said anything about.

[u/Starhazenstuff → u/h_efx_krys]

I can see why the other folks have given up on you. My feedback is, it’s just not descriptive. Just people talking. There’s no stakes, no actions describing wtf anyone is doing. So there you go.

[u/h_efx_krys → u/Starhazenstuff]

As I said, it’s only supposed to be a conversation, that’s why there’s none of what you mentioned. It’s obviously only skeletal at the moment and telling me to add things that I already intend on adding doesn’t help me. You think I’m not taking feedback well but if you read my other responses, I’m clearly thanking people for their comments and saying what areas I will improve on. The reason I’ve been speaking the way I have been is because it’s disheartening to see unconstructive criticism from some commenters (not all) and nothing positive to say when this is one of my first times trying my hand at writing.