My great Grandma died 48 hours ago. she kept together 3 familes which I feel will break apart soon since the only times we met up were at her place. such is the way of things, she lived to 98, I never went down to the hospital to see her and my last memories of her were her putting her head on my shoulder and I telling her I loved her and her kissing me on the cheeck and then saying goodbye.
I can't go to the burial tomorrow. I would be an emotional wreck atop the other things I'm going through and I wont go if I can't letthose feelings go but to do so would put me on a bad spot where family I haven't seen in long will look at me and see right through me and probably get scared and alienate me. I don't want to go because I wont be alone with my grandmas closed casket. I didn't go to the church service today I don't know if I even would have liked to see her dead, I liked the last time I saw her. I don't want to go to the burial. I do want to visit her grave by myself or with a friend though. Her and I always had something going on but we were always surrounded by too many people to ever have many 1 on 1's. So many things I wanted to ask her. I cannot be around my family like this... I kmow some of them will be out of sorts as well but I'm to afraid and don't feel much like having to be proper I just know I wouldn't be allowed to be myself at such a time. I will stay at home with my doggie.
Hey! I know how hard death can be. I lost my younger brother almost 4years ago. He was 20. I really didn't want to attend that funeral, but not only did I attend it, I spoke at it. A year later my Great Grandmother passed away she was 94. I think she just let herself go after outliving her Great Grandson because up until a few months before my brother's birthday and when she died she was a firecracker. I was away at a psychiatric facility when she died. They didn't tell me till about a month after it had happened because, I was too mentally "unstable" to handle another death. I thought that was a cruel thing to do. Death is death, you cannot protect someone from it. I'm starting to forget what purpose this message is supposed to convey but I hope you find some sort of insight or co-misery in it.
I personally HATE open caskets. I'm glad I never saw my brother dead. My last memory is of him at Thanksgiving watching monkey get drunk on YouTube and just having a good time inquiring if my friend was going to be famous one day (She's a talented singer).
My beset memory of my great Grandmother was me showing her IMovie on my computer and her mind being blown by it. I still have the video I recorded and watch it sometimes.
As for the grief that comes along with this, you have every right to grieve however you see fit. If that means going to the funeral, go; if not then don't go. Everyone grieves differently and you'll learn that the stages of grief are far from linear. They are like a raincloud you can be accepting yet angry at the same time or you can jump from acceptance back to denial and so forth.
If you need anything I'm here for you best I can be. Feel free to shoot me a message anytime. I really apologize that I haven't really responded to your messages you sent to me, I got sick and was hospitalized for pancreatitis again... but I believe in no excuses... so I don't want to justify not messaging you back anyway, that's pretty much what was going on. Just so you know :-).
Thanks for messaging me faith, I don't worry about late messages I understand how hectic life can be. It's a wonder we even have time to get online to talk to people. I go days without checking my email sometimes, there's no need to apologize to me I'm not in crisis. It's some sort of funk but it's manageable. I'm sorry about your brother. I have a younger brother too, I hardly want to face the fact of how fragile life is.
Well, ironically the neighbors across from me are having a party in their backyard, tent and all. I'm glad they are. When I die I would like my service to be a party. A real party with friends and friends of friends and of family and kin.
edit whoa the last sentence got copy pasted from another post sorry, deleted it, sorry
Thanks for messaging me faith, I don't worry about late messages I understand how hectic life can be. It's a wonder we even have time to get online to talk to people.
I really enjoy it. I like being able to get on and be helpful/useful to others. I've recently been considering going to school and getting my masters or PhD in psychology and actually become a psychologist. Especially because, I've been so useful to a lot of people online. I just wish I had even more time for it than what I do now. I don't know though. I'm hesitant to become a psychologist because I don't want to do something known as "transference" where the clients therapy becomes just me telling them about my stories and how they "should" do the same thing as me and "get better" but I'm thinking since I'm aware that could happen, I can take precautions to prevent it, and I'm sure if I went to get my master's they'd teach me little things to stop that sort of thing. Anyway, I'm still contemplating it. We'll see if I even get up enough energy to apply to schools.
It's some sort of funk but it's manageable.
This makes me really happy for you because it means that you are able to manage what is going on and that is something to be proud of because, you are building coping skills and mechanisms so when shit hits the fan next time it will be more manageable. On another note: life is not only fragile it is precious. After my brother died and I watched those around me grieve and I felt that pain myself... I realized suicide isn't my "out" or option. I could never put my parents or any family member through that pain and in away his death really helped to heal me in some ways and in some ways it made me even more sick. Anyway. Food for thought.
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u/[deleted] Aug 02 '14
My great Grandma died 48 hours ago. she kept together 3 familes which I feel will break apart soon since the only times we met up were at her place. such is the way of things, she lived to 98, I never went down to the hospital to see her and my last memories of her were her putting her head on my shoulder and I telling her I loved her and her kissing me on the cheeck and then saying goodbye.
I can't go to the burial tomorrow. I would be an emotional wreck atop the other things I'm going through and I wont go if I can't letthose feelings go but to do so would put me on a bad spot where family I haven't seen in long will look at me and see right through me and probably get scared and alienate me. I don't want to go because I wont be alone with my grandmas closed casket. I didn't go to the church service today I don't know if I even would have liked to see her dead, I liked the last time I saw her. I don't want to go to the burial. I do want to visit her grave by myself or with a friend though. Her and I always had something going on but we were always surrounded by too many people to ever have many 1 on 1's. So many things I wanted to ask her. I cannot be around my family like this... I kmow some of them will be out of sorts as well but I'm to afraid and don't feel much like having to be proper I just know I wouldn't be allowed to be myself at such a time. I will stay at home with my doggie.