r/sandiego • u/LaughDry9401 • 22h ago
lonely in San Diego
Hey everyone. I’m turning 29 this year and going through something that’s been really hard to sit with: the friends I thought I had are just in completely different life stages now. Most of them are married with kids, and I’m the only single one left. I don’t blame them. life just took us in different directions but it’s still makes me feel extremely disconnected.
I’ve been single for a while and have tried the dating app route, but honestly it’s not really for me. Beyond that, I realize I don’t have many hobbies to anchor me to a community, which makes meeting people even harder. I’m working on finding things I genuinely enjoy, but I’m kind of starting from scratch.
The thing is, I love San Diego. The weather, the beach, the energy , it’s a great city. But the loneliness that doesn't escape me is really starting to take a toll on me.
If you’ve rebuilt your social life from the ground up as an adult, especially in San Diego — how did you do it? Any advice, resources, apps, groups, or just words of encouragement would mean a lot right now.
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u/sssofiyaaa 22h ago
I'm 31 and I grew up here. It's not easy living in a place where people are transient or just settling down.
Someone else posted a picture of the kinds of hobbies to select and I agree. You should find things that enrich your life in a variety of facets. Eventually you'll get there and have a good group of people and maybe even a significant other. We are meant to be social but loneliness is also from within if you haven't found ways to be at peace with other parameters in your life.
Try going to classes in your local area. A lot of small business hold them. Go join a subject matter course in a community college. Tons of people flow through there. Find online communities on reddit for your interests and become friends who might be local to you. Go be present, out and about. Less time trying and just time existing in the moment.
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u/Wesley11803 22h ago
I could have written this post other than the fact that I’m married. We’re a gay couple and both want more friends. Dm me if you want to hangout sometime. We’d be down to grab a beer or KBBQ or whatever.
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u/Significant-Log8936 22h ago
I started doing clubs, activities etc. It was really hard in the beginning and I felt so awkward. I was the only new one sometimes. But if you force yourself to go a few times, you’ll start to notice that people warm up. Here are some examples: trivia, run club, d&d nights, group sewing activities, community garden, geocaching, dance class, small indie artist shows, audition for a play! You’ll meet people who are out and about doing those things too and chances are, they’d like to be friends with someone they are activity-ing with.
That’s honestly the most successful way I’ve found to make solid friends here
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u/LaughDry9401 18h ago
Can you list some of the events ? I'd be interested maybe if they have an IG?
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u/Significant-Log8936 4h ago
Yes! Do you want to DM me? I can give details as well and help support and encourage you :)
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u/srgonzo75 22h ago
Try MeetUp or Bumble. If you’re into running and drinking, there are hash running groups. If you’re into the beach, you can get into some beach activities.
Check out public service organizations like the Rotary Club, Optimist Club, or something like that. If you’ve got any kind of religious background, try going to your preferred house of worship.
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u/TacoULater 22h ago
You are definitely not alone on this my dude. Rebuilding at a later stage in life isn’t easy especially how we all used to make friends all my friends came from childhood and school now i have to make friends in the wild and me being awkward its definitely not easy. Just keep trying its all we can do things will get better have faith you got a friend here.
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u/babsa90 13h ago
This is very real. I feel like it's extremely hard to start "fresh" as an adult. There was some kind of study that says you need to hangout with someone like 60 times be friends and over 200 to be close friends. Generally speaking, adults don't have enough time to break those barriers down and will usually just settle with "friends", especially if they have a romantic partner and/or kids. That's why so many people make really good friends in school, you are literally forced to spend an hour or two every day for a semester or multiple semesters. I remember when I was about 26 years old and I made it my new year's resolution to take active steps to hang out and meet new friends. It takes a lot of work!
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u/GevDev 21h ago
Me too man, me too… It’s something I’ve struggled with my whole life but never this bad.
I have friends in my life that I can consider to be family, that I can trust, but we never really talk or hang out unless it’s some special occasion or unless I reach out a bunch of times and might finally get a “yes” every now and then. If I don’t reach out, I can go weeks without anyone reaching out to me
Making friends has always been hard for me. I used to think that something was wrong with me, and if I could figure out what that was and fix it, I’d be able to finally make friends just as easily as some people I know. That led me down a pretty dark path but I recently came out on the other side realizing that there is nothing wrong with me, but it’s also true that that the way I am makes it hard to make friends.
The conclusion I’ve reached just a few weeks ago is that I give up on fighting loneliness. I don’t want to change who I am anymore and I don’t have it in me to keep trying to meet new people and to hopefully make new friends.
Where does this leave me? No idea. I’m definitely a bit depressed, but that will probably pass with some more time. My ADHD brain has lead me to try out a bunch of different hobbies and get bored, and it’s getting harder to find new ones but I’m sure something will pop up again. I’m just taking it 1 day at a time
I have no idea if this will make you feel any better or help, but I figured I’d offer an alternative to the advice I am so tired of seeing which is to just put yourself out there. I still think it’s good advice and should be attempted but at least for me, I think constantly trying and failing is just doing more harm than good at this point
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u/DrDustyE 21h ago
I went back to school and found out there are tons of people in their late 20s in the same boat and we all melded.
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u/dav3id 22h ago
Take an improv class!
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u/The_Long_Lady 22h ago
You need to have things that you enjoy doing on the regular that you like enough to do with other people. The 5 hobby mindset is a good start :
one that makes you money: maybe a side hustle? Catering events, dog walking?
one that moves your body: Gym + whatever game you like? Running, Badminton, Yoga, etc....
one that is an outlet for creativity? Something expressive like art? photography, sketching, diy, one that connects you with other: volunteering is good for this one. Meals on wheels, Big brother/sister,one that supports learning and a healthy mindset: book club, self improvement meetup groups, etc...
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u/digitalnomad_eu 22h ago
Everyone has its own recipe. I think do whatever feels good to you. Try meetup.com & meet random people in person. Do some fun projects as per your interest & collaborate with people. You might find what you’re looking for.
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u/Namron1024 21h ago
Monday at 6 is the solona run club. Really chill group of people and easy to make friends
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u/LaughDry9401 18h ago
Do they have an IG?
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u/Namron1024 18h ago
Tomorrow is a 3 mile run to Annie’s canyon. Lot of fun. Feel free to message me on the side and I can introduce you to everyone.
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u/Any-Profile-909 21h ago
Thank you for asking this question coming from someone in a similar position. Good vibes your way 🍃
Being outside☀️even if alone has moved things forward a bit
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u/mikemtk 18h ago
Honestly, I think the most underrated piece of advice I can give is show up consistently to a third place. What I mean by that is that, no matter where it is, show up all the time. A cafe comes to mind, do work there, study, read, anything. People start to recognize your face, remember your order, you recognize the regulars, etc. A lot of my social life here was built around that. It takes a bit of time, but it was very helpful
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u/Cpt_Lazlo 22h ago
No joke, my friend group was built in reddit. Responding to similar posts or people looking for friends. They'd also usually post things they like. I'd offer to hang but I just moved out of town to Seattle
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u/elchucko3567 20h ago
Get a dog or a cat. They’re half the hassle of friends but twice as expensive.
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u/Professional_Cak 19h ago
I'm a single mom and I sit and think, how when I'm ready would I date again it'd all technology now...I wanna bump into and have a good time with people hard part and not a bad thing at all I have my daughter. So it's more I try to get out with other kids but it's also hard seeing the ffamilies. I go to the beach often and parks. I like to hike I try my best lol
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u/CrazyPlantPerson1013 19h ago
If you’re into sports, I’d recommend Tuesday night Spikeball in PB. It’s a great way to meet people without the awkwardness of “well, what do we do?” It’s free, you just need to show up. If you show enough effort in the game, you’ll usually end up with a couple phone numbers by the end of it!
I’m in the same boat though. Born and raised in San Diego, went to SDSU, I’m 25 now, and currently have friends all around the US…except none in San Diego. It’s tough for sure
* also adding on the OB Run Club. It’s Tuesdays and Thursdays and a small-ish group
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u/a7f3 18h ago
Thanks op for the post. You are not the only one. I’m 28 and just been thru break up times and many friends are in different stages now. I’ve been finding friends for climbing and badminton but sometimes just feeling hard to meet new friends or finding friends that go consistently. Thanks everyone for giving ideas. I’m from China and I’d love to meet local friends.
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u/runswiftrun 21h ago
Through my 30s I was in a very cult-y conservative church, which is actually great for having lots of friends who you see every weekend and often 2-3 times a week.
Downside? Believing everyone else in the entire world deserves to burn in hell for eternity.
Would not recommend.
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u/pdxthecitythattwerks 17h ago
Hmm what if we start a cult but without the burn in hell part
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u/TheMunkeeFPV 8h ago
Just no flavor aid please.
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u/runswiftrun 4h ago
In this economy? We can't afford Kool Aid or the name brand stuff... guess history does repeat itself...
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u/HoppyRaven12 21h ago
When I was single, I frequented open mic comedy and music nights to make new friends. Those were some of the funnest times of my life! Never laughed so hard than when shooting the shit and chain smoking cigs with comedians lol
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u/KennyKatsu 19h ago
Pickleball has made me found a new community, i've met 20+ friends now with this sport.
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u/pdxthecitythattwerks 17h ago
I'm a transplant from Oregon living in Encinitas. I like cycling, hiking, surfing, bouldering, gardening, DnD, video games, weightlifting, and I like my dog. I'd love to go snorkeling, get dive certified, and take an auto mechanic course at a local community college. Sometimes, to relax, I make flower arrangements for myself. I don't consider myself lonely, but I could use more friends so consider this my friendship application if meeting up and doing something between you and Encinitas would work and if you also enjoy any of those things.
I have some friends and family in the area from before I moved, but they're often busy and some of them live a ways away (e.g. La Mesa). I've met some folks off of Reddit already which was really nice! I also met some women through OrangeTheory Fitness and we've gone out to a couple restaurants together. It's hard; people are busy in their 20s/30s/40s. I'm currently organizing a dinner to get some of my friends and family in the area together who haven't met each other very much. I'm putting in effort to cultivate the relationships I do have. Good luck OP and lemme know if you wanna hang! 33F.
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u/EloquentlyMellow 8h ago
There’s a lot of talk here about hobbies, which is valid. But something about picking up a hobby for the sake of meeting people feels a little unnatural to me.
What I’ve done lately is get active with causes that are meaningful to me. I personally find connection over a shared mission much more powerful than connections over a shared hobby.
I was in a similar situation to you. Got out of a long term relationship about 3 years ago with the man I moved here with, and found myself incredibly lonely. My friends from work are all over the country. I became active with a small dog rescue in the area, and met amazing women who care about animals like I do, and also joined a group called Matriarchy Rising for more social and political action (the women in the rescue are also very progressive).
If you’re looking for dating advice I can’t really help personally, but these connections I’ve made have been far more fulfilling than dating and men.
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u/Muted-Jury6959 22h ago
I can relate to the loneliness part. I lived in San Diego for three years, and it was hard for me to leave.
One thing I noticed is that finding your tribe can be challenging, especially when many people who grew up there already have established friend groups and communities. It's easy to feel like you're on the outside looking in. In my case, I'm an immigrant from Asia and have only been living in the U.S. for about seven years, which made it feel even more difficult at times.
I also found San Diego to be a bit cliquey. Making new friends as an adult wasn't easy, and dating could be frustrating too. A lot of interactions stayed online, and plans often fell through at the last minute.
That said, San Diego played a huge role in my personal growth. It taught me how to be independent, both emotionally and spiritually, and I'm grateful for that.
I think it's an amazing city if you already have a strong social circle, are in a relationship, or are starting a family. For someone who's single and still figuring life out, it can sometimes feel isolating. I enjoyed my three years there, but eventually decided it was time for a new chapter and moved on to pursue opportunities in another city, with NYC being one of the places that interested me.
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u/ultramagnetique 20h ago
I'm in my 50s. Came here with no friends. I now have a small diverse group of people I consider friends. We are (mostly) all vegans & activists, so we bond over shared morals & experiences. Most of us volunteer at some sort of animal rescue. Which is what really changed my life. I've met some really amazing people through volunteering.
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u/yotatokrispyum 19h ago
I’m in my late 20s & I met some of my long time friends (roughly 4ish years now) through using Bumble BFF! I’m an SD native but a lot of my friends either moved away or we just grew out of each other which is normal. The app is definitely like dating but there’s also groups on there you can look into for different communities (I never fully looked into it because I’m usually busy but I think there’s some people who can speak for it?). Other than that I just met new friends through my core friends but we just hangout when it’s a group thing unless we really connected. I also reconnected with some acquaintances I met during college & we realized recently we have no much in common - so yay to that. Hopefully this could work for you!
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u/TimeBar7725 17h ago
I joined an app called timeleft and had dinner with 6 strangers. Most of us have stayed in touch!!
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u/Latter_Finding8548 17h ago
So I was in the same boat as you. Went through a long phase of depression because of it. Eventually it dawned on me that I am in charge of my destiny. Within 6 month of going out to the clubs alone, I changed from the person I am to who I am today. I can meet people on the fly, whenever I go out. I am not shy about embarrassing myself or meeting new people. I know the bartenders and security guards by name, and they know me. I get in free and have fun. I take the joy as it comes. I think it is a skill to learn how to meet people and make friends alone. And you only learn it through practice. So my advice is, learn to go out and have fun alone. Not easy at first, but it’s a skill that will benefit you long time.
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u/fronteraguera 17h ago
I was unemployed for a bit and I went to a Toastmasters class in Normal Heights because I had extra time on my hands. I remember thinking, this would be a perfect place for a single person to make friends.
The members are super outgoing, friendly, open, honest, people that support each other with public speaking and then those who want to go out to a bar and hang out with each other afterwards. They meet on a very regular basis in a public location. It's got all of the needed pieces to create potential friendships.
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u/__n008 8h ago
Whatever you do, don't glom onto people hard like a desperate puppy. that'll push folks away faster than anything.
Get a new hobby, if you're athletic at all join a sports club or a gym. if you drink, find a local bar and chat with folks sitting around you - tons of places have regulars, and you can become one of them.
heck, if you have time and energy and can commit get a pet - but ONLY if you can truly commit to the little life you will be the guardian of.
most important, just go somewhere, just show up, just be friendly and not scared to initiate chatting.
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u/Cute_Ad3384 18h ago
This was pretty much my experience too. I moved to Pacific Beach around your age and lived there for three years. I didn’t go to college there, and I worked from home, so I often felt pretty isolated.
I still went out all the time, almost every day and every weekend. I’m a social person and met a lot of cool people, but it always felt like something was missing. Most of the time, I’d meet someone once and never really see them again. The next weekend would just be a repeat with a whole new group of people. I think that’s partly because it’s such a big tourist destination, and partly because a lot of locals already have their established friend groups and routines.
Dating felt very similar. I’d hit it off with a girl, we’d have a great time, and then that would be the end of it. It seemed like everyone was living one day at a time. Why settle down when there are 50 new attractive people out and about every day?
I just wish it had felt more like home instead of feeling alone in a big city. It was the complete opposite of my experience living in SB, which I still miss. Hopefully you can find a way to make it work - I know I wish I had.
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u/Feel_Me_Now619 20h ago
Sundays at vacation isle in San Diego they hold a flow group meetup which is also a great way to meet people. Specifically SD fans group is awesome. Michael is the host and is super welcoming and friendly.
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u/Substantial_Car_3304 20h ago
I’m not 29 so I don’t exactly know how you feel but if you want a relationship and don’t know how to meet people why not try a dating app? I know their not ideal but that might be something you should look into
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u/jquest303 19h ago
I’m feeling the same way as you, albeit I’m much older than you. Most of my old friends have children now and that is their focus. I feel the big shift happened during Covid, and people are still “social distancing”. No more gatherings or parties and calls and hang out are few and far between. I don’t have much advice for you, but to just put yourself out there and meet new people.
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u/BetterNowThks 19h ago
I remember when this happened to me in my early 20s. Definitely go do some things that you love and find some people who love to do those things. However, that doesn't mean you have to kick the old friends to the curb. Maybe you just expand a little bit? You can have more than one group of friends! What's interesting is some of these friend are going to have changes in their lives (read divorce) and they're going to want to find you. Try not to give up on your good friends just because their lives don't mirror yours right now. Its a long life (hopefully) and good friends turn to gold later on.
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u/CheapSky9887 19h ago
I grew up in San Diego and fortunately, I have my parents here. I have lived in other places as well including outside of the states. I find San Diego to be a place quite hard to find a social life. People tend to be very nice yet to themselves when it comes to personal lives. I really don’t have great advice for you, it’s just something I can relate to and I always find myself leaving San Diego at the end of the day as many times as I’ve tried since it’s such a beautiful place.
Like others mentioned, I guess getting involved jn classes might help like dance, martial arts, etc.
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u/Particular_Sir_6831 17h ago
Are you free this upcoming Saturday? Try giving local professional wrestling a chance! You can meet a bunch of people who enjoy coming out to the shows. Grab a beer from Bay City, there’s usually a food truck offering up food and maybe you find a new fandom to enjoy with new people. Give it some consideration and maybe we’ll see you there ✌️
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u/teacupdobie 17h ago
Go down to OB on a Wednesday or a weekend and kick it with the locals. Bonus points if you wear something to attract attention, chatting people up and having conversations is super easy and super fun!
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u/llamainacan 12h ago
Hey there. 28y.o., I feel the exact same way - so isolated. I think I spend way too much time inside gaming mostly. I just got laid off so I have so much time to try new hobbies. Ordered some rollerblades and I'm super excited to relearn it. I also just bought some pickleball stuff because I wanted to do more physical/outdoor activities. I've never played before and I don't have many people to play with lol so lmk if you wanna try! I need friends haha :( anyone else?
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u/jupiter-rising-777 7h ago
I’m a native in my 40s and most of my lifelong friends have moved away. It’s an interesting experience to live here for so long and feel like you don’t have anyone to hang out with on a regular basis. The friends I do have aren’t in the same life stage as me so meeting up is challenging.
In the last year I made an entirely new group of friends in a totally unexpected way (to me). It started with an astrology workshop (something I love) with someone I know from the Bay Area. She flew down to do an event with the San Diego Astrological Society, an organization I had never heard of or even thought to look for, even though I’ve studied for well over a decade. I got a discount on the workshop by becoming a member and then I started attending their monthly meetings.
Walking into a meeting where I knew no one wasn’t the most comfortable experience so I’d usually show up right as the presentation was starting, learning a new astrology topic and sneak out at the end. About a year in, I felt comfortable to start talking with people. Fast forward to now, and I’ve been on the board of directors for 18 months.
Since joining the board, I’ve been really surprised by how many people find us through Meetup. I never gave Meetup a chance, I just didn’t think there would be anything on there for me. The number of locals, some who I now count as very good friends, who find us on Meetup blows me away.
All of this was a long winded way to say, check out Meetup based on your interests. It might not feel comfortable at first, but the events will give you something to look forward to and if you put in the effort, you will meet new people who enjoy what you enjoy!
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u/SanDiegoThankYou_ 6h ago
Same age same situation with friends. I joined a social club and it’s been great, most people are older (like 2x my age) but they’re fun to be around so I don’t mind.
Prior to the club I was in some meetups and while I didn’t retain any friends from that time it did introduce me to a lot of people.
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u/EitherNegotiation403 2h ago
I went to a bar that had/has a table tennis community. Made some very meaningful friendships there. Play and get drunk. That was what we did.
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u/Critical-Dreamer 2h ago
Im kinda in the same shoes. But living a different city probably wont change much at all.
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u/GorkSk8er89 1h ago
I felt myself falling into the loneliness trap even though I am married with kids. I didn’t have anything outside of the house. I picked up golf and it’s made a huge difference. I found it is a great opportunity to spend a few hours with randoms while getting out of the house.
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u/Impressive_Pitch_869 22h ago
I feel ya on this one. I literally have zero hobbies. I feel like everyone hates me. I know certain people hate me.
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u/Significant-Log8936 22h ago
I don’t. I love people like you. I’d love to spend time with you and pick your brain about your life and thoughts, things you care about and your hopes. Why you feel the way you feel and your story. No matter who you are, I’d want that
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u/hellacarissa 22h ago
Something I’ve found solitude in is not everyone will like us and that’s okay!
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u/sorina95 20h ago
I’m married with 2 kids and I crave alone time. I never had time to myself, then I joined yoga box. I do 3 classes/ week. I love love it. You can def make a lot of good friends there. You can just find a fun activity and just start going out more. Maybe you’re into hiking? There are hiking groups, I’m sure you’ll love it!
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u/dark_pill_counter 17h ago
People need to learn to use the search function. The post about finding friends in san diego pops up EVERY month. I get it, you want some direction and resources, but you're literally NOT the only one in San Diego feeling the way you do, maybe that offers some comfort. But yeah, there are tons of resources posted for people looking for new people to meet. Sorry if I sound like a jerk.
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u/itemside 21h ago
So far, I’ve gotten lucky with my group of friends I met at work. We’re all pretty nerdy (and most of us ND), prize clear communication and respect, and generally like doing food / events / etc. together. Honestly some of this is trauma bonding, our workplace was super toxic and thankfully most of us aren’t there anymore.
It wasn’t easy though, we had what we thought were a decent group of friends we were meeting up with almost weekly and we ended up getting ghosted with no explanation.
My friend with a kid is pretty absent right now, but we try and meet her in a way that’s possible - going to her area, being flexible on schedule, not getting upset if she has to cancel cuz baby is sick.
I lived overseas for years and am used to making new friends, even though it never seems to feel any easier!
Being consistent with social hobbies is really important. I made the best group of friends when I ran a weekly board game group. It can take some time to click though, so even if it feels awkward commit to still going for 1-2 months before giving up.
As far as dating - only focus on it while it’s enjoyable! And don’t fret about being 29 and single. I ended a 5 year relationship when I was 29, resigning myself to being single forever. Met my now-husband 6 months later on a dating app!
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u/Thin_Register_5442 9h ago
I went through this;and now I’m not lonely im reserved~
You can either become an addict (I don’t advise), à gym rat, or my favorite (stage 3) living spirituality; I don’t just mean religion. The city is full of everything you need to treat it as a “retreat”, so take advantage and work on yourself and everything else will fall into place.
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u/im_andrea_lopez 9h ago
Hi! making friends as an adult can be challenging. It took me over a year to finally find a solid group of friends. I met my friends through this page on instagram @gratitudeandhealingg! we’re mostly in our mid 20s-30s! Anyone is welcomed!! and we do weekly events/activities :) I encourage you to check it out!!
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u/AsparagusFabulous655 8h ago
I totally hear you, and you are not alone, so many people are feeling this! You’re going to have to put yourself out there and get a little uncomfortable to move forward but I promise it will be worth it. Some great communities options.
- Join a pickleball league or get lessons at the Barnes Tennis Courts in OB
- Join the VOLO sports league (it can literally be kickball or whatever sounds mildly interesting), but they grab drinks after games a lot of times
- Join a rock climbing gym
- Lots of group volleyball in mission beach
These are some communities I know about but please start with whatever you re interested in so you find people who you can enjoy life with! Don’t give up!
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u/First-Hotel5015 20h ago
Loneliness is nothing but a construct in your mind. You need to learn to be alone, but not lonely.
It is a process, but once you learn to be perfectly fine in solitude, you will understand that it’s okay to not always be surrounded by a group of people. A sense of belonging will take on a whole different meaning.
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u/flip69 22h ago
Look we’ve been having these weekly bon fires at the beach for while…. Show up they’re fun and a good way to meet new people and hang out.
It’s a great San Diego tradition to have these and we’re doing it for the community to come out and have a great time!
The views of the drone show
The lights and full moon at the bay have been great.
No excuses