Polyamorous Pickle

[u/Aramis1900]

Relationship insanity

Hi everyone,

Need some advice/outside perspective to a situation I am in (warning- it’s a long story)

I am a pansexual single man and I have been in a FWB relationship with a trans woman for the last year. For the sake of anonymity, we’ll call her Jessica. Jessica js married to a cis woman (we’ll call her Stacy) who has allowed her to explore sex outside of their marriage, partly because their sex drives are not compatible and partly to allow Jessica to explore her newly developed bisexual side. Back in December, I met another trans woman (we’ll call her Laurie) and we connected immediately, both sexually, mentally and emotionally. We have recently developed stronger feelings for each other. I am in love with her and she loves me too, but can’t commit to an exclusive relationship as she has only recently come out as trans and feels she needs to do some exploring and figure out who she is as an individual as she has been married for the last 15 years being “husband” to a terrible woman.

After we met, Jessica suddenly revealed she was in love with me and hoped we could pursue a relationship, supposedly with Stacy’s approval. I don’t have romantic feelings for her and expressed I wasn’t interested in being a side piece. I am hesitant about polyamory and “ethical non-monogamy” and never allowed myself to catch feelings for her since she was married and had expressed boundaries I wasn’t allowed to cross. After I met Laurie and expressed interest in her, Jessica’s boundaries suddenly started coming down.

At the same time, Jessica and Stacy decided to open up their marriage for exploring and set their sights on Laurie. This made me angry and jealous and I had a big fight with Jessica. Essentially, she decided that since I wasn’t returning her feelings, she felt she didn’t have to consider mine in pursuing someone she knew I had feelings for.

Meanwhile, Laurie has been dealing with some hardships, concerning finding a job, separating with her ex and being there for her three kids. She has moved in with me as my roommate and we are close friends. We still have sex and are intimate, and have many conversations about dealing with our feelings and the changes that may arise when the time comes. As of now, we are in a good place and I am willing to wait until she feels she can be with me exclusively.

Jessica and Stacy have continued their pursuit of Laurie with red flags arising left and right, largely concerning Jessica. Laurie and Stacy have a stronger connection with each other while Jessica seems to primarily want Laurie for sex. Recently, the three of them have been fighting due to some double standards arising on behalf of Jessica. She wants to be able to have a 1 on 1 sexual relationship with Laurie but does not want Stacy to have the same. She has decided she only feels comfortable of they all hang out and explore equally and together, but still finds ways to try to be alone with Laurie. Laurie now sees the double standards and hypocrisy and has realized the red flags are due to striking similarities between Jessica’s control over Stacy, and her own history with her mentally/emotionally abusive ex-wife. Jessica does not see the double standard and while Stacy is frustrated, continues to talk in plurals like “this is how WE feel”, “what WE’RE comfortable with”, never really speaking for herself. Laurie is going to have a talk with them tonight to make it clear, she no longer has any interest in Jessica except platonically and to address the red flags she’s observed.

Ok, so what do I do? Do I try to just be platonic with Laurie? Keep developing our relationship at her pace? Cut Jessica out of my life? Re-establish some kind of friendship? What do you all think??

UPDATE:

Thanks for all your advice and thoughts, everyone. Things have been…. Smoother. Laurie had to have a sit down with Stacy and Jessica to address the red flags she was seeing in Jessica. She got annoyed because she hoped Stacy would speak up and advocate for herself a bit more, but she didn’t. Laurie and Stacy agreed to a hard reset on their relationship, feeling things should stay platonic as Stacy and Jessica clearly have issues to work on. Jessica thought a hard reset meant they would start from scratch exploring things sexually and romantically, but ONLY between the three of them- no 1 on 1 time. Laurie called her out because earlier that day, she called Jessica telling her they needed to talk, and Jessica agreed, invited her over, even though Stacy was at work. She even asked Laurie if she could have some “kisses and cuddles”. The hypocrisy and double standard pissed Laurie off, so she threw Jessica under the bus about it so Stacy knew what Jessica was doing. Laurie told them that IF they explored more than platonic, she was only interested in doing that with Stacy, not with Jessica. Jessica gave her the ultimatum, “it’s both of us, or neither of us”. So Laurie said, “then it’s neither of you”.

So I guess things between them are now strictly platonic, though it’s obvious to me that neither Stacy or Laurie are happy about that. Laurie has since moved in with me (not as my girlfriend) but out of necessity. I am happy to help her out, because she’s my friend. We talk a lot about our relationship. She knows I’m still in love with her and she loves me too, sees that a future with me is possible, but is not IN love with me at the moment and is worried she will do something to lose me. I want to give her her space and try to be understanding, but I sometimes wonder why she won’t just give me a chance. She has her own room/bathroom here in my house, but sleeps with me every night, keeps all her toiletries in my bathroom, we shower together every night, and have sex. It sure feels like we’re dating, even though she isn’t ready to date anyone.

Things with Stacy and Jessica haven’t been great. Jessica says she’a depressed and “heartbroken” (not sure if it’s over me or Laurie). Laurie tried to hide it. Ur I know she’s pining a bit over Stacy. She revealed to me that Stacy has also told her she loves Laurie. I find this odd as they’ve only hung out three times, but I admit it scares me that Laurie might have stronger feelings for Stacy than she admits. She’s not exactly entirely forthcoming about it, feeling that talking about it might hurt me. Right now, I’m trying to be supportive of her journey and I still hope one day she will give me a chance. But I’m starting to feel if maybe I should set some boundaries about us living together or begin to look elsewhere for romantic connection for my own peace of mind. 🤷🏻‍♂️