r/polyfamilies • u/velvetsoftsteps • Mar 16 '26
Lesbian throuple with kids. (New to this)
I wanted to share this because idk if when things start messy people immediately say “this is doomed.” Honestly ours probably looked like that at first too.
My fiancée and I have been together almost 8 years. We have a life, a home, kids, all of it. We had talked on and off for a long time about the idea of a throuple because we both thought sharing love and connection with someone else could be really beautiful if it was the right person.
The person it ended up being was my best friend, which is where things got complicated.
Feelings started happening, attraction was there, and the lines between friendship and something more got really blurry really fast. We were all talking about it but also figuring it out as we went, which meant communication wasn’t always perfect and emotions got intense.
At one point I felt like a cheater and really hurt my partner because I thought everything was okay when it wasn’t. I felt like I messed everything up. My partner felt overwhelmed and our friend had her own fears too. It felt like everything might fall apart.
But instead of letting it explode we slowed down and started actually talking through things. We worked through jealousy, expectations, insecurities, and what everyone actually wants.
Now things feel completely different. The chaos is gone and there’s way more honesty and calm between all of us. We all talk, send videos, and make each other feel included and it actually feels supportive and natural now instead of confusing.
Right now the plan is for her to visit a few more times and if things keep feeling this good she may move in with us in a couple months. We’re taking things slow and making sure everyone feels safe and happy.
Anyways any advice would be appreciated since we’re all new to this. Just 3 lesbians who are very attracted to each other trying to figure it out.
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u/fetishiste Mar 16 '26
I feel like what's missing from your post right now is the kids - how old are they? How much do they know about your situation? If this new person moved in, what role would she play in daily life, parenting etc?
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u/velvetsoftsteps Mar 17 '26
They’re 3, 4, and 13. She’s actually been in our lives for years as my best friend, so my kids already know her and love her. This isn’t someone brand new coming in, which I think makes a big difference. We wouldn't throw anything confusing at them or do any big overwhelming things.. like labels right off the bat. We’re just keeping it age appropriate and focusing on making sure they feel safe, loved, and stable above everything.
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u/mercedes_lakitu Mar 16 '26
"visit"
So she doesn't even live in your town yet?
My recommendation is:
She moves to your town and lives there for 2 years to see if she even likes living there
Then you introduce her to the kids
Then after 2 more years, you start having the cohabitation discussion
I'm on the far end of the "slow vs fast" spectrum. So your mileage may vary. But you asked for advice, and that's mine!
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u/katiekins3 Mar 16 '26
I'm in a nested V with children. You have children. The timeline needs to slow waaaaay the hell down.
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u/velvetsoftsteps Mar 17 '26
She's been my bestfriend for years, kids already know her. (& love her) they are 13,3,4. We are 29, 31, &32.
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u/katiekins3 Mar 17 '26
You seem to think that changes things. It doesn't. If anything, that makes things even more fragile because if things don't work out, you will lose a best friend, and possibly your spouse. And your children will have gotten used to another person living with you.
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u/velvetsoftsteps Mar 17 '26
I get what you’re saying and I’m not ignoring that risk at all. That’s actually why we slowed everything down and aren’t just jumping straight into her moving in. We’re planning for her to have her own place first and take at least a year to see how everything actually works in real life before making any big decisions. So the “move in” idea isn’t immediate, it’s something we would only do if things stay stable over time.
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u/Ringo9091 Mar 17 '26
I (42F) am a cis lesbian in a lesbian triad of NPs and also have a gf who doesn't love with me. I have two teens
My advice is to take it slowly on something semi-permanent like moving in together. In any relationship, moving in together adds stress and it sounds like it hasn't been that long since things were hairy. It might be good to have a transition phase where she spends days at a time with you but still keeps her own place.
One thing that works well for us, is to have two bedrooms for the adults. Everyone has a home base, but we can rotate around so it's easy to get alone time, dyad time, or triad time.
Also have convos about expectations around parenting kids because when someone moves in there's a pressure to be akin to a step parent. Like, who can make parenting decisions like medical things, consequences, enforcing rules, etc. From your kids perspective this is very like bringing on a step parent (minus worries about a parent being replaced)
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u/Fancy-Racoon Mar 17 '26
What if she for any reason had to break up with one of you? Would the other then go ahead and also break the relationship with her off?
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u/velvetsoftsteps Mar 17 '26
I'd stay with my partner of 8 yrs.
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u/Fancy-Racoon Mar 17 '26
Does that mean that you would stay with your established partner AND this newer partner, though? That was the question.
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u/velvetsoftsteps Mar 17 '26
I don't know yet.. truly. Something I do have to talk to my partner and her about.
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u/Fancy-Racoon Mar 17 '26
I would recommend you do. Dating as a package deal, which is the default for unicorn hunting couples, creates a coercive situation for the third partner because if they realise that they are not really compatible with one of you, they are under a lot of pressure to still appease this person and bend to make the relationship work regardless. Since they would face losing the other person, too.
It‘s an extremely though position to be in. Which is why it‘s recommended to date separately and not force a triad. Well working triads happen organically - a person may grow to love you both, or they may grow to only love one of you in a romantic-partner-sense. They should be free to realize over time which polycule configuration fits them best.
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u/Arrowbyrd 13d ago
I highly recommend having a conversation about what happens if the relationship fails. What happens if she is more compatible as a romantic partner with you or your partner but not both? If the answer to “What if I only like 1 of you?” is you got back to your partner and she gets left alone, just don’t-for her sake. What happens if she quarrels with one of you?
Please recognize that you each need to date her separately and give each relationship their own time to flourish. She should be able to spend time with whichever of you she wants without guilt (including sex). When you go outside is she going to have to be your “friend”? How will you address your couple’s privilege? Is she expected to contribute to your household even though she won’t have any of the protections or benefits your marriage allows? These are important questions.
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u/velvetsoftsteps Mar 17 '26
I totally get why everyone is saying move slow and we are. But she’s not someone new. She’s been my best friend for years, she already knows my kids and they love her, so it’s not like we’re introducing a random person into our lives.
We’ve actually talked about this for a long time, even before anything romantic happened. The plan we’ve discussed is her getting her own apartment here for about a year so we can really ease into everything and make sure it works in real life, not just emotionally.
If after that things still feel this healthy and stable, then we would consider her moving in.
So we’re not rushing it, we’re just also not starting from zero either.
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u/Ringo9091 Mar 17 '26
That is a really good plan with her moving locally but maintaining her own place! Also, the depth of your friendship can ease things in, but it won't eliminate the unique problems of starting a new relationship or of living together. Like, yes your kids are familiar with her, but having them move in segues from an aunt-type relationship to a step parent-type relationship. And, yes, you know her really well but romantic relationships come with a lot more complications.
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u/soycaca Mar 30 '26
you were really missing that context in your original post. this makes muuuuch more sense now
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u/whohowwhywhat Mar 16 '26
A few more visits and then moving in with a few months is not slow at all.