This one is bleak; very slimy husband. I felt bad until the part where she said she was encouraging his behavior

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Germaphobe but okay hosting

Skip to the SHORT STORY version below if you want!

BACK STORY: married to NP. We were poly in the beginning and it went well for us. I traveled a lot and he was a late night bartender.

We stopped being actively poly when we moved into a new apartment together (we started living together in his apartment a few months before but I kept my apartment for a bit anyway). We stopped being active at that time because we didn't have any other partners at that time and we no longer had the capacity for it in our lives because our sweet kiddo moved in full time that wasn't doing well developmentally. I could no longer travel as we needed all hands on deck, so I was also not out of the house for him to host anyway.

Fast forward, we got married, bought a house, our kid is doing great, - and my husband had been expressing he has no interest in sleeping with other people anymore and doesn't have space to build relationships either. I say that's fine because I don't have time for more going on in my life at that time, we can always revisit it later, and to let me know if he changes his mind.

Fast forward, my sex drive has waned a lot. I'm no longer comfortable with rough sex, I need it to start very slow until it feels comfortable. I haven't orgasmed in 2 years despite trying. I've been searching for answers and trying all sorts of things. It's been very frustrating and trying to orgasm through masterbation tends to end in defeat and tears, but I'm finally starting to try to make peace with it. My husband expresses he can't be with someone who isn't sexually compatible and his frequency of desire is even stronger after starting TRT. He says he loves me and we need to do more to figure this out. I feel very vulnerable, I've lost a lot of confidence. Deep down, as much as I hate to admit it, I don't feel safe.

My husband says he is interested in being with someone else regularly if he can find the right person and someone who is interested in some of the sexual things he wants to explore that I've been slow to work up to or am less interested in. He brings this up about once a week. I think this is great and tell him so! It takes a lot of pressure off me and he can feel fulfilled in the area I've been struggling to perform. I know this will take time though as you can't just make a bond overnight.

I'm working harder to figure out my body situation. I learn about serotonin disorder, I had been on Lexapro for 7 years (but off for 1.5 years at this point), so this is possible and it could come back with time, but maybe a lot of time. I start taking medication that boosts dopamine. I start seeing a sex therapist once a week, do the homework she gives me, and talk to my husband about what I learn and things for us to try together. I'm nervous but excited to try things. We're having sex more and I'm less anxious. I do some kink play that my husband likes. My husband expresses he's very happy with our sex situation and my effort and that it seems like my libido has increased. He hasn't talked about He still has hope I'll be able to orgasm soon. I know these things are very important psychologically for men.

I tell him that I'm excited to try the things my therapist recommends to see how they feel and what I can learn about myself. I feel more motivated telling him what I need because it isn't going to get better if I don't and we don't try different things out. I have hope that sex can be comfortable, feel really good again and not feel like pressure.

Fast forward, there is more research that has came out about what is now called PSSD. Post SSRI Serotonin Disorder. Your serotonin receptors do not work, you experience sexual disfunction, and it doesn't seem to heal, but they are doing studies and there is lobbying for there to be disclose about this side effect. I'm worried, confidence dropping, BUT you know what? me and my therapist are still going to try!

My grandmother is not doing well, everyone tells me to visit because she doesn't have long. I book a flight for the weekend and I'm anxious all week, I just want to be with her. I'm not in the mood for sex all week. I just want comfort. Morning of my flight I get the call that she has passed in her sleep. I'm broken. I fly out anyway to be with family, comfort my mom, and help with arrangements. I've been here for a day so far.

My husband lets me know an old hookup from his bartending days is getting divorced and if it would be okay to hook up again. I haven't thought about all the details of this in a long time and I didn't know he was still interested in seeing other people since I've been more sexually active. I'm fine with him being active, we just haven't talked about it in detail in years. But yeah, I think that would be fine and we can rediscuss everything. I tell him that he can do that if he thinks it's a good idea, he knows my boundaries from years ago, and that I trust him.

I call him a few hours later to see how the pets are doing and update him on what is happening here with the funeral planning and such. He lets me know she is coming over tonight. I'm kind of shocked because I was thinking later on like after her divorce or in the future. But that's okay, I'm exhausted, and he's excited, how can I shut this down and rain on his parade. So I ask a few questions like she's coming over tonight our house?! -yes. why aren't you going to her place? -she said she us figuring out her housing situation. are they not separated? -I don't know. you think they might still be together? -no, I think she cheated and he's done. Okay, do you remember my boundaries? -no what are they?

So this part is the...
SHORT STORY: I don't like hosting in my home. If it's your apartment, do what you want. BUT if I'm out of town or not home and there isn't another option, I can be comfortable with it if there are some boundaries.

I am a germaphobe, but I do my best to make peace with some things. I wash my hands a lot, like 5 times at the airport yesterday. I always wear house shoes in my home. If a pillow or blanket is on the floor in the living room, I have to wash it. If it's not my house, I don't care as much, I can was my hands and shower when I get home. I wear gloves when I have to touch raw meat. I was very pleased when I found out laundry sanitizer was a thing. I do the laundry and wash my clothes separate from everyones. A lot of these things people don't notice, I don't make a big thing about it out in the world. Sometimes I have to suck it up and just know I'll be back comfortable at home in the end.

So the boundaries for hosting:
1Change the sheets.
2Take a shower.
3Condom.
4Sexual activities in the bed only.
(The idea of fluids anywhere else in my home or where our child hangs out is haunting. Especially if I can't see it or I can't clean it.)
5Please don't use my shower. We have 2 showers.
6Please no sleepovers.

#1, 4, 5, & 6 do not apply outside of our home if that isn't clear. Sleepover wherever and do whatever wherever at someone else's place.

We went over them on the phone and then I texted him them so he wouldn't forget. (He has forgotten a condom while drunk years ago.)

He text me, she can't sleep over? yeah I'm not doing that. He told me it would be rude to not let her sleep over and we went back and forth about what's normal. I concluded that I don't want him to come off as mean, I don't want her to resent me if he says I don't allow it, and I also don't want to disrespect her if that is a social norm. I just wasn't a sleep over at a guys house person when I was single unless it got serious after a meet ups so I had no idea.

I understand I might be insane. Here I am awake. No update, so I know she is sleeping over and it's all just seeping into my side of the bed and pillows.

There is a new part to all of this though. I've never felt this part before. I feel insecure. I have always felt so sure of myself and my relationship, but now I feel like I am not enough because my libido isn't what it was. I have felt this before tonight, but now I feel it in that my partner wants to break my boundaries to have a hookup. And I feel like I have to be flexible or be resented. And there was not enough time to think it out or to plan it better.

Am I crazy for being like, if you have no options I can make it work, but these are the inconvenient things that make me comfortable?

Is it wild to want to reopen a relationship years later after moving in together in a day and start hosting right away?

Help me be a reasonable person and lower my internal drama. I feel like I need to chill, but I'm not chill. If it was not at my house I truly think I would feel fine and he wouldn't oppose just showering and using a condom.

Edit:
We do not have a guest room. Kid is at a sleepover.

UPDATE:
We talked later that morning. I freaked out about if she was still there and making sure he knew to clean everything. But I calmed down more as we talked. I hate how I handled it. But he was apologetic and understood all of what I said and never once made me feel like I was in the wrong.

The good news: he slept on my side and she slept on his which is a lot better and something I didn't consider as an option.

The bad news: He told her it was a rule and she was fine with it, but then she slept over anyway even though they hung out for 4 hours after sex. That made me feel really angry and disrespected by both of them.

I will share more details after the funeral and answer more questions.

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[u/Iron_Wave]

Yeah Jesus christ. OOP'S mother Has just died and he's asking if it's ok to bang some rando in their house whilst she is out of town.

So many of these stories where one of the partners is so afraid of being alone that they're willing to immolate themselves just to maintain any illusion of a relationship. If only people knew their own worth.

[u/uhhh206]

These people always see and treat their kids as an afterthought. She literally mentions her pets as much as their child, and I'm dying to know why they were previously living with neither parent. No wonder they were "not doing well developmentally".

Glad to see sane comments for a change, though.