r/openmarriageregret • u/LeoDragonBoy • 13h ago
Horrible comments
/r/polyamory/comments/1ttsty9/polyamory_breakup_struggling_to_see_what_did_i_do/24
12h ago
[deleted]
22
u/caustictoast 12h ago
Also calling people geographical features. I swear these weirdos can’t use use John and Jane like normal people
23
u/BuckrooBanzai 11h ago
"When we are polyamorus, we should expect our partners to be dating, falling in love, and fucking at any time. It is none of our business."
That quote made me ill. Why even call it a relationship??
3
u/soursummerchild Avid Monogamist 1h ago
How on earth do some people actively seek out this unstable, unsustainable, mess of a lifestyle?! Imagine typing that sentence out and thinking "wow, this is exactly what I want out of life!" I'll never understand.
18
u/Old_Moment7876 12h ago
Those folks have no tolerance for someone who even remotely tries to limit what they perceive to be their poly "autonomy." I'd like to think they would have thrived during the days of the Spanish Inquisition. While I will never be on board for any form on nonmonogamy, there are folks in the ENM subreddit who do have the ability to critically reason. I will give them credit where credit is due.
12
u/Iron_Wave 11h ago
OOP: (sobbing) my side piece no longer wants to be strictly my side piece.
Sane People: uh ok have you thought about maybe just focusing on building a stronger relationship with your "Nesting partner" and creating less drama for yourself?
OOP:
10
•
u/AutoModerator 13h ago
REMINDER: DO NOT comment on, Direct Message, or reply to other users in the OP for cross-posts!
Original copy of post's text:
Polyamory breakup - struggling to see what did I do wrong, if anything?
Ig maybe just want to vent but I feel like insight from other (more experienced) poly people could help. Situation: i'm in a 5 year relationship with nesting partner Tree, by now we are more like qpr but living with them has been great. I had a gf besides that, call her River, for about 1,5 years, before she broke up with me. We saw each other 3 nights a week. This was my first real poly experience. In all this time I personally didn't really feel the need to date others - I had my NP, a solid comfortable base, and a great romantic relationship going on besides that. That's really what I was looking for in poly: I don't feel the need to date around much, but if there's someone I have a great click with, I want to be free to experience that.
River and I had a lovely time together most of the time. We did fun stuff all the time and great overall chemistry. She has a girlfriend overseas, and otherwise didnt have any partners up until about 2,5 months ago. Up until this time, I had a few smaller struggles like jealousy and learning in general how to be a partner of someone who has another partner. It worked out completely fine, to both of us, we have agreed to this.
A while ago I learned that River also wanted to date more casually more partners, and maybe also more seriously but not rn. We had touched upon this slightly before, but never went in depth about it. I didn't expect her to want to do this atm or see it coming, since her schedule is already packed with uni stuff and social stuff. It rlly looked like she wouldn't honestly have the time. She had done that before tbf before we dated, but I thought she was mostly dating around to look for another more serious partner (i know I shouldnt have assumed, but she also didnt communicate about it).
We had a few rough weeks about it, because I felt very surprised, and I wasn't sure how comfortable I'd be with her adding more partners to the mix. I found out it was a dealbreaker to her, which is completely fine but I think she should have communicated that sooner, so I also struggled with that. Well anyway, we went along with it, I stated that I wanted to take it a bit slower and she kindly agreed upon that.
She started going on occasional dates, which I turned out to feel completely fine about (apart from one time when she didnt keep to the time she said she'd come home and kinda seemed to have forgotten or sth - we worked it out and i forgave her). I mean there were struggles, like at first I didnt really feel happy about when she'd tell me about dates bc for example she'd tell me they went to a movie and kissed half the time. I told her, I would like to know like at what kind of stage you are (kissing, ready for sex), but not gushing and stuff about those things. At first I didn't really wanna know anything about the person, but I quickly went onto liking it when she'd tell me a bit about them + about what they were doing.
In any case the dates increased, she started seeing someone else too, and all the while it was basically everytime a new small step, I did often feel some discomfort which I shared, we talked about, and then it was totally fine for me. Most struggles honestly came from figuring out how to communicate about this. Like how much she could share that I was comfortable with. We were figuring it out, but we both agreed it was going better and better.
The other biggest issue for me was that I kept being stressed about whether River would still have enough time for me. I talked about this numerous times with her, and she comforted me. At some point it both became clear to me the time didn't change, and I was taking a bit too much support so I mostly stopped with this.
Well about a month in she told me she felt guilty all the time when interacting with her date or being there, because I would respond initially with negative emotions when she'd talk about it. She hoped we could feel sth else than anxiety about this. I took this to heart, and committed myself to for example asking sometimes about her dates or the people, and being more mindful about my responses, keeping her in the loop like 'oh rn this makes me uncomfortable, but it's temporary, I know it'll be better soon', making jokes, idk just generally more showing that I do support her in this.
And I did all that and she agreed also that it was going better.
2 weeks ago we had a bad week, because she had gone to hang out with someone we both vaguely knew, and due to a miscommunication, I had assumed that she meant 'I'm not planning on doing anything with this person' while she had walked away with the idea 'we have talked about that its fine if i do sth with this person'. So during what turned out to be a date, a friend spotted them and talked about this in our shared group chat. I was overcome with stress and surprised. I got scared she was gonna date a thrid person steadily, which made me feel once again stressed about our time together (she'd have 2 serious relationships and 3 ppl for regular dates then). And we had a hangout also with her planned, I was stressed I'd have to sit through her being affectionate with others. So that evening we called and I was mostly v stressed, but she assured me she wasnt gonna see this person also regularly, and the next evening we also talked about it a bit still and all potential problems were sorted out fine for me - i asked her if its okay for her too, and she said its okay. It was stressful all in all bc of her inability to bring this news to me herself first, but to me it really felt like we had it worked out (I generally just really like knowing whats up, clarity (which I both have told her before), so I would have prefered if she had told me beforehand it could be a date, but like, igi life happens).
The last month of our relationship, I did get bothered more and more by sth that has been going on basically all our relationship, but now got more stronger. I felt like I was showing all initiative, like texting her first, texting on days when we dont see each other, and asking to hang out and planning stuff. I asked her to show more initiative. She said she didnt really feel a need for texting in between because we already see each other so much, to which I responded, but the reason we see each other so much is because I always reach out about it. She was however willing to improve and did that. I still I felt like it was a bit lacking + its a change over time so i was still a bit anxious, however I was fine since the imrpovement made me hopeful and I showed my appreciation for it to her.
Well, she ended up breaking things off because 'she couldn't do it anymore', and 'we want too different things', and she apparently still felt guilty about hanging out with other dates. She said that she couldnt offer a full time partner like I wanted. I am so confused now because I even asked her, so did we hang out too much or sth, and she said she didnt think so. Everything was fine for me honestly until she was dating others and dropped the ball a bit for me, but I thought we were working it out you know? She even told me, during our relationship on multiple times, that she finds it so nice that I alwasy make plans and text her. So basically, on no occasion was feedback given to me that the type of partnership that I was clearly about, was not apparently what she had to offer in the end after 1,5 years. She also never bothered to tell me she still wasn't fine with the guilty feelings, even tho last time telling me had make me show an improvement.
I am left so heartbroken because I feel like I did a lot of effort like reading up on polyamory, common pitfalls, listening to podcasts, generally just doing the work ig?I really was improving and her kissing others genuinely didnt give me any negative feelings anymore, and I was certain thatd be the case with sex too. It wasn't like I was jumping with excitement about it, but I can also say with honesty that I felt a lot of compersion about her other serious partner and her, and I thought she and one of her dates were cute. And also I put in alot of effort into the relationship like talking about my feelings, asking how she felt, and also initiating dates and contact. River told me I didnt do anything wrong, during the breakup. Still, I'm struggling to come to terms with whether there's anything I could have done better, where I made a mistake, was I after all too much to handle, did I talk about my emotions too much or sth?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.