My partner (35M, hetero-poly) and I (35F, demi-mono) have been together for 5½ years and we were best friends for 5 years before that. My knowledge of his polyamory going into this relationship was that he had once remarked that he "wanted all of the p*ssy" after a rough breakup from a decade-long relationship, but I think I just took this a some typical guy remark or an indicationofhim wanting to rebound. Last year he floated the idea of becoming actively poly and I admittedly didn't handle it well at first because I felt a bit blindsided. I've been working on it and I've been getting more...accepting...but I'm never enthusiastic about it. I genuinely want him to be happy but I can't help but feel hurt at the same time. We've been working through workbooks and therapy trying to get to a relationship agreement that we can both be good with, but it's still new territory for me and I'm sorting through feelings that I've never really had to confront before.

I love this man, unfortunately, bordering on unconditionally. He's the only person I've ever felt safe to be myself around and we've built a life together. We've been central to each other's lives for over a decade, and I can't stand the thought of not being with him. I cannot stress enough that this is my Person.

He went on vacation this past week with friends (I was unable to go, although I had previously planned to) and when he came back, I had a metamour (20F). I had expected it from this person in particular for a while. She knows we're together but he and I don't know for sure that she knows he's poly, which honestly doesn't endear her very much with me. She seems to be acting like she's his mistress, wanting to keep it secret and doesn't want others to know, which kind of pisses me off to be honest. But when he was talking about her, he was so excited and I liked seeing him excited about it; he was also pretty bummed that she wanted to hide it and I felt sad for him because I don't like seeing him hurt. I still don't think I've reached genuine compersion, though, because so much fear welled up in me that he may come to love her more than me. I actually talked to him about that and he said that while it wasn't the case now, he couldn't rule it out. I, who did all of this work to try to work this out...it could still not be enough for him. If I were him, I'd love me more for all of the anguish I faced and worked through just to try to make it work. I'm genuinely hurt and I'm feeling, what I feel is REASONABLY insecure.

I don't feel like my monogamy is any more a choice than his polyamory. I don't choose to just love one person - I think I'm incapable of loving more than one. And while I'm not HAPPY about him dating multiple people, I WANT to be. I'm just...new to all of this and don't know how to make myself feel secure and loved without his help.

Me (32F) and my gf (31F) have been together for 5 years. When I met her.... she was a married woman well acclimated to the poly life. I was rebounding from a toxic mono relationship where I was being cheated on, and I had sworn off relationships for good. I at this point understood and agreed with the ideologies of polyamorous practices, so even though I identify as mono in theory, I didn't care about the identity of the people I was matching and meeting with to try and get over my ex. In other words, I'm cool with seeing ENM and poly people just as long as I myself am not incredibly invested.

Only 1 week into my little bender I matched with this woman who was so perfect on paper I thought she was a catfish. I'm particular admittedly, and it makes it hard for me to find compatible partners. But she checked all the boxes AND she was hot. She messaged me first and she wasn't dry or boring like so many people are. She made me laugh, she flattered me. I was thrilled to potentially hook up with someone who I actually was into. We spoke on the phone for the first time and I completely melted into a puddle. I had that feeling my life was about to change.

Next thing you know, my little rebound hookup became the first person I could ever see myself being with until death do us part. We fell for each other, HARD. Her marriage fell apart because the mediocrity of it became so apparent in contrast to the powerhouse that is us. They separated, we moved in together. We worked through her divorce, being broke, losing a job, not being able to find one, a disability discovery and diagnoses... a succession of life problems that I normally would not have endured for anyone else. I didn't think it was possible for two people to be so in sync. Everything is enhanced by her existence. And we've been living like this for 5 years. Butterflies, laughter, monogamy, harmony. Marriage is around the corner for us.

On the topic of polyamory, I'm deeply uncomfortable with it, but I'm thinking it's a matter of working through the jealousy and icky feelings to find inner peace. I also knew who she was when I met her and I wouldn't want to restrict her because of my hang ups. She says she's never experienced anything like what we have before, and she would rather give up polyamory than lose me, and she's not actively seeking anything out. It felt incredibly romantic to know that I was enough to change someones identity and become their everything. I tried my hardest to maintain the mindset that it would still be possible for her to want someone else and I need to be okay with it. But time and her words gave me reassurance this wouldn't be the case.

BUT THEN an ex she was crazy about before my time came out of the fucking woodwork to tell her about how sorry he is for the wrong he did to her, and that he's resolved the various issues that prevented them from being able to be together and he would like to see her and she wants to know if I'm okay with that. And she is... eager. So devastatingly eager. She's masking her feelings about it and giving me half truths. We're in big trouble here, right? Because she suddenly is willing to risk what she originally wasn't. So it's gotta be... a real huge desire. Much bigger than she's making it out to be. So now I'm freaking all the way out. I'm trying to stay calm but I'm hurt and cycling through emotions rapidly and becoming chaotic in my thought processes.

We spent the weekend trying to figure out how to navigate this. There is no outcome I will be happy with now that the penultimate perfect relationship illusion has been shattered. I don't want her to "not be able to see people she wants to" nor do I want her to see other people. I'm not special enough to change an identity, I'm just someone who got to her first. She insists this isn't the case and that we truly do have something extraordinary. Someone else being in the picture doesn't change anything. Doesn't it though? I don't have her to myself. I have to hope she wants to be with me on any given day and be happy about it? Fuck that.

I tried to convince her we should break up because I was the one who got into this under the wrong conditions hoping it would just keep working out for me and she should be able to be who she is without hindrance. Now we're both freaking out. She wishes she was different. She clearly wants me to be okay with this as get ideal outcome. I'm stuck between I shouldn't have to be and I don't want to be and I wish I felt differently. We decided to try out poly couples therapy before we make any changes. I can't imagine what this will do for us.

I'm sick and anxious. I feel stupid. I feel crushed. I feel angry. I feel empty. I'm at work, greatful for the distraction but could truly not care less about any of the work I have. I want to be anyone and anywhere else.

Anyway. I'm sure this tale has been told a million times here. I just needed to get this off my chest. Thanks for your time.

She was like a comet flashing past me. Brilliant, amazing, caring, affectionate, understanding. I never thought I would meet a woman like her until she landed into my life. We shared everything together. She had more in common with me than anyone I'd ever met. We shared terrible secrets with one another. We told each other things we rarely tell anyone else. "I never thought I'd meet a person who thought the same thing," was a phrase constantly uttered by us everyday.

She was my dream come true. But the universe is cruel, sometimes. She was a brilliant comet, but she was orbited by many others. Some of her partners were mutual friends of mine. I thought I could make it work. I tried to make it work. I really, really did. I read books. I watched videos. I communicated with her, we talked until long into the night. She was amazing about it. She treated me with respect, she listened to my concerns, she made compromises where she could. She was the IDEAL person to have in this scenario.

But I still couldn't make it work. It still ate me up instead. I still suffered constantly from my own anxieties, my insecurities. Imagining her having a good time with others. Constantly seeing her other partners as opponents. Belittling myself into thinking I was lesser. I just couldn't take it anymore. I had to tell her that I didn't think the poly lifestyle was for me.

Maybe one day, I'll have it all figured out. She tells me that she'll always be here for me, as a friend, or maybe something more, sometime later. She'll be in my life, and I'm so happy about that. But this comet has visited my night sky and left. I don't think I'll ever see another comet like it. And the universe is cruel.

I’m a monogamous man that has been seeing this woman I met who is married to another guy. They have been together for almost 20 years but I guess they have the ability to see other people and when she pitched this idea and their situation by me, I decided to try it. She was just too beautiful. We’re all friends who hang out but my romantic interactions are solely with her. We do threesomes from time to time but I have zero interaction with her husband during that, it’s just all about her, as we’re all straight. I have also been with her alone. She and I talk regularly and we have a good connection, but I just can’t shake this deep sadness that I’ll never be able to actually be with her. I know the theory, I know how it works, and I know my place in this thing, but I still can’t separate the feelings I have for her from the logic of it all.

I know I’ll always be second fiddle to her. I know I’ll never be as important as her husband. We have our moments together and I enjoy them incredibly when we’re in them. When we’re together alone, she makes me feel like we’re the only thing that matters in this world; her focus solely on me, her gaze looking at me as if I’m the next best thing since sliced bread. However, at the end of the day, I go home, alone, and she gets to have more of the same with someone else that I’ll never measure up to when I’m gone, and I can’t help but feel that our moments together are cheapened by that fact. In the end, I know I’m probably just a fun toy to her; a side character. I can’t wait to talk to her throughout the day, but I know that no matter how much flirting and romantic banter and connection between us there is, there will be someone else she’s fulfilling that with while I sit on my couch, staring at the tv, because I can’t be around her everyday like he can. This has been the weirdest combination of happiness and sadness for me and while they get to talk to each other about this situation, about me, and bounce their thoughts and anxieties about this relationship back and forth between the two of them, I sit with it, alone, in my head, because none of my friends or family know about this; they’d think I’m an idiot (probably rightly so) or just wouldn’t understand it.

I know what the standard advice is, go find your primary, don’t be in a situation that doesn’t work for you, go and talk to other people, yaddah yaddah yaddah. I get it. I know the score, and what the only solution is. I’m never gonna ask her to replace her person, that’s just disrespectful and not my place. I just can’t bring myself to walk away. I know it’s an inevitability at some point. This will end. They will remain, and I will be just another notch, but I just want to be around her as much as I can until then. Maybe that makes me a masochist or an idiot or a myriad of other things, but the thing is, I was miserable before her, now I’m miserable still, but with her. I’m lucky someone like her even looked in my direction; that she was interested. Going back to how it was before doesn’t seem appealing to me, but neither does this weird situation I’m in. Every day, I feel this emptiness and deep sadness about not being able to be with her the way I want to be. They are both very nice people and she has been incredibly respectful about my feelings and making sure I’m okay, but I haven’t brought this up to her. It’s just not something that can be helped, and it’s not her fault. I don’t wanna sour the little bit that I do get. Until the end, I’ll just sit with it.

Anyway, this has gotten long enough. I’m sorry for the discombobulated thoughts. I guess I’m not really looking for advice. I know what the advice is, which I stupidly won’t heed. I just wanted to say it. To someone. To anything. The void.

Thank you.

it hurts :(

EDIT: it feels like I'm doing something wrong and I shouldn't love a poly person as much as I do but I love them so much and them being poly is so really hard for me. am i not good enough? do they love me as much as i love them? they say they do but wouldn't i be your only one if you did?

EDIT 2: I typed this while I was spiraling, not just about the relationship stuff but overall mental health stuff. And I kinda needed to shout into a void. My mental goes kinda back and forth a lot so during those times a lot of insecurities show themselves even if I'm not thinking about it/are big deals otherwise. Thanks for everyone that read this and especially those who commented, even though I typed this as a "void shout" and I didn't really expect and responses it was nice to see people reading it and commenting on. I'll keep those things in mind in the future too. Thanks everyone

i haven’t been in a monogamous relationship for like 7 years. and the crazy part is it doesn’t feel like my choice? everybody i meet has one foot out the door and i just deal with it.

my last monogamous ex 7 years ago wanted to open up our relationship which quickly obliterated it because neither of us could handle our feelings.

3 years later i date another girl who had already declared herself ENM. I was so enamored with her I said ok when she asked if I would be her partner. I tried and tried to convert jealous depression somehow into joyous compersion but it just was not going to happen. Plus, she ultimately had no intention of staying with me in any kind of long term scenario, so all of my fear of abandonment came true anyways.

3 years after that i meet another ENM person who has a long term nesting boyfriend at home. This person has probably treated me with more care and respect than anybody ever has before, they’re very funny and sweet to me. But my attraction is held at bay by the inevitability that I think this has to end. I’ve even hung out with them as a couple before and enjoyed it, they are cool people. but i wish i was the one with a nesting partner, sharing pets and having someone to come home to. At first my competitive mindset had me feeling like ohh ok so im the interesting exciting one to go out with next to the boring one at home, but as i got to know him i felt awful feeling that way. all i want is to be the interesting exciting one to come home to, not to stray away from. to be dedicated and reserved for.

but now i’ve gotten so used to these non monogamous dynamics. i barely act on it cuz i have a good enough time with one person, but i KNOW this is not the dynamic i want long term. i don’t wanna feel like the third wheel. we’re kind of just good fwb until i meet somebody to get more involved with? but i would be sad to deescalate what i have with this person, and honestly some of the freedom. i just miss being mutually obsessed and dedicated w a lover :(

I'm married to an amazing man of 3 years, together for 4. He and I had very specific rules in place when we got together for us both to have the freedom to see other people at any time. I had never acted on any open relationships/poly relationships until I had met him. Initially, I tested the waters and found that life wasn't for me. I never had a problem with him talking to other people, however recently he found someone who he really cares for and loves. And oh man, am I struggling with it. He has been amazing with me, being open, making sure I'm getting attention and care...but I'm a huge emotional mess. I want to support him, and to extend the same courtesy to have the freedom to do as he pleases, but I have an incredibly hard time managing my jealousy, hurt and anger. It's really hurting our marriage, to the point of no return.

I'm hoping to learn, and be open-minded to what can potentially be a great life for all of us. We have friends who share the same proclivities, but each couple is different. So, I'm here and wanting to figure out what I can do to help my relationship.

Just sharing this here to vent and get advice. Compassion here is what I need. I've already beat myself up a lot about how messy this situation was to the extent of self harm, so I'd really appreciate empathy here.

I don't know how to tell all of it here without it being incredibly long (and this still is gonna be long) but I was dating someone poly for a few years, when I dated someone who was mono. Poly guy never had an issue. The other had only known monogamy but couldn't help himself from trying to date me anyway because of how much he loved me when we fell for each other while I was already with someone else. Of course he was free to date other people too, but he never did want to. Both of them were my friends before I ended up dating them.

The mono guy and I have been on and off for 3 years for maybe a total of 7 times. Poly dating, situationship, fwb... we've been through it all (except being properly exclusive) because we couldn't stay away from each other. He's always been the one to break up with me, but also the one to keep coming back convinced this time will be different. We both always believed it was, but it always ended the same: with him breaking up with me in some way. Then falling back into the same pattern, and him convincing me he's sure this time about wanting to try again.

I've broken up with the first boyfriend a year ago partly due to some unmet needs (wanting him to finally graduate college, wanting to be with someone who has a stable career), partly to give the second boyfriend a chance at exclusivity. I was honest about everything, and he was very understanding and amicable about it and had no problem going back to being friends, and dating others while being there for me. He has been partly my support through the on and off break ups with the other person. He's a rock and has always been a source of safety for me, probably the most emotionally adjusted person I know. He's very good at managing his feelings and knowing what he wants for himself. I had doubts about us staying friends just being another source of chaos for me, but I have been proven wrong. I don't think we really have much problems now, and he means it when he has said all he wants is my happiness and he knows how to find his own whether we're together romantically or not. I even brought up the possibility of being distant friends/going low contact once I date mono guy and while he admitted that it would hurt if it happens he also says it's all right as long as I broach the conversation with him respectfully and just wants me to be okay.

I did try to offer exclusivity to mono guy after that break up, but also said I needed time before I dated officially again. We never got there because we still just stayed close to each other (as we always have) and he got triggered at some point about my ex and said he was done with wanting to be with me romantically. I still could've forgetten about him saying that (as I seemed to be good with doing whenever he breaks up with me), but I felt like at this point I needed to treat that as a thing that couldn't be unsaid anymore. We agreed to just be friends after that, but our "friendship" was really just more dating without the label and expectations.

After almost a year of us being like that, mono guy and I are finally in a spot where it looks like he's truly stepped aside. He initially pushed me away again/broke up with me last month, he said he's still jealous I saw my ex in a group event and being more than friends with me has never worked out for him in the long term. We talked and made up after, but wanted to do my best to hold him accountable for what he said to really just be friends now even if it wouldve been so easy for me to just forget about it. For a week or two, we were back to normal being affectionate with each other. We spend a night together, and I cracked and cried. I asked for us to truly just be friends after this because I'm scared he'll end up having to cut me off from his life permanently. I'd rather be distant friends who can still talk every now and then than be completely gone. We agreed we'll need space for real this time.

He has been putting space between us that I've never experienced before. We're low contact now, and I'm managing a good amount of self control when I can see how deliberate he is about keeping me at an arm's length. He said he's giving himself space to focus on himself, and to see what he really feels about everything and I'm scared he'll come out of it hating me. So I think this is real, and this is truly the end of our cycle. Which is good. And it is what I asked for. But I feel miserable. I've finally lost hope that he and I will ever work out dating. I've lost hope I can ever be the same way I was around him, and maybe he won't even want to keep in touch and he'll go no contact anyway after this too. But I'm struggling to accept that it's just...gone. What we had was flawed, but it was so precious... We were truly happy when we were together and when things were good, they were amazing.

I was crying for a whole week. Last night, I've finally just wrapped my head around losing him and finally found myself sitting calmly with that constant thought: we're over and I can never be in his arms again. And it sucks. I keep blaming myself that I never chose him from the start, I was too scared to leave my initial partner and with the consequences/the relationship failing anyway. I know I'm capable of monogamy too depending on the person, I just felt like I was gonna be bound to leave mono guy if I directly broke up with my partner before only to be with someone else. And that it didn't feel fair to my initial partner to just... up and leave like that. I didn't realize I was being unfair to everyone anyway. And I did end up leaving anyway to give things a shot, but it was too late.

I have realized how much I've fucked up refusing to just choose one person from the start and how I've now lost both boyfriends as my indecision has led to the choices being made for me. I know I'll move past this and life goes on, but I don't know how I can ever love again after all of this. It feels like I was poly until I found someone I wanted to be mono with, and now I'm better off alone. I feel like I'll always just love someone who's forever gone.

What do you guys think about one partner wanting monogamy and the other wanting poly?

How likely is it that the two can find middle ground? And what is indicative of the ‘end’?

Just hoping to vent a little, but happy to discuss my situation or anyone else's.

My former partner announced that she was in love with one of our mutual friends earlier this year, and she would "regret it for the rest of her life" if she didn't see where that relationship goes with that friend. I was devastated, but said I would try my best to be okay.

I lasted 6 weeks, and then I broke up with my partner. We still live together due to finances. She parades around our apartment with her new girlfriend every single day. And they both pretend this is perfectly normal and expect me to be buddy-buddy.

I just feel like my life got exploded, and they want me to eat shit and thank them for it. It's awful.

Thanks for reading my thoughts, it felt a little better to get them out of my head. If you have any advice or thoughts, I would love to chat, as this is being kept secret from my IRL friends.

My spouse (33F) and I (32M) have been married 7 years. She was introduced to the poly/ENM lifestyle around a year ago and said she really enjoyed the experience and wanted to explore it further. I was crushed and didn't know how to take it. I wasn't comfortable with sharing my SO with someone else so we decided to separate. I realized that this just sent me down an even worse mental state and I felt like I was just in dark place all the time. We talked a little more and decided to get back together. However, she still wants to remain in the lifestyle and is actively pursuing real, deep relationships with other people. These aren't just casual dates, they are relationships that include getting to know each other on deeper levels and of course sex and intimacy.

I still feel pain every single day. I feel like I brought this upon myself. Like had I been a better spouse then maybe we'd never have gotten to this point. Whenever she mentions she's getting to know them better or how connected she is to them or how they just vibe across all levels, it's like a deep cut. I've been working on keeping it together and keeping myself composed. I can feel my heart race, my breathing quickens, and there's a sinking feeling in my stomach. I absolutely love this woman and I want to spend the rest of my days with her. It hurts to see her willingness to want to be close and share her love with other people but not want to do the same with me.

I'm working on trying to focus on things I can control. I'm journaling my thoughts and emotions, try to reflect on them regularly, and be the best spouse I can be. I hope that deep down, she'll come to realize that we have something special and she'll come back to being just us. I know that's a long shot but it's the only piece of hope that's keeping me going. I keep telling myself it's going to get easier as time goes on but it doesn't. I've spoken to a therapist a few times and she has her own therapist as well. We're still working on getting through couple's therapy also. I just feel like I'm in a cycle of pain and it never goes away but I'm surviving off the little bits of love I get and the progress I see in our relationship getting better.

I don't want to leave her. I feel like I'd rather go through this pain I'm feeling than not having her in my life as a partner. She's a big part of my life and I want it to be us against the world again. How do you guys cope? How do you heal? How do you keep moving forward? Is it naive to hope that we go back to a mono relationship? If you made it this far, thank you. Any and all advice is a appreciated. If you want to DM me, that's fine too. I just want someone to talk to that isn't myself.

About a year (and a couple months) ago, I was browsing this sub, desperate to find a way to make it work between my (then) self-identified poly partner and I. If our orientations had matched, I think we would have been together for the rest of our lives together—everything else aligned. At the time, I convinced myself to disregard everything I read in this subreddit. I thought that people here were a biased sample—only the people for whom it didn’t work.

If you’re in a similar situation & solely mono, please, spare yourself. I know you won’t, but please, it’s not going to work out.

The person that I thought was the love of my life—who expressed multiple times beforehand this worry that he was going to ‘accidentally’ cheat on me, which I didn’t understand at the time—did, in fact, cheat on me.

You’re not the exception, I’m sorry. I thought I was, and I was wrong. I was not. I was hoping that people here were only representative of the people for whom it didn’t work out. Please, seriously take into consideration the experiences of people on this sub, especially before making major life decisions. (I moved across the country in the hope that we could make it work🤪Guess how that turned out! Him cheating with someone I thought was my friend!)

So this Monday I went and talk with my partner, it was really difficult because I couldn't just get to their house and talk, I stayed in their living room for half an hour waiting for them to finish some work, I started to feel calm, safe, happy, but I knew this wasn't healthy because the moment I cross the door all the anxiety would come back.

We went upstairs and saw "the devil wears Prada" and after that they wanted to cuddle but I told them that I needed to talk about how I've been feeling this past few weeks, long story short I ask them to give me some time, maybe 2 or 3 months until I resolve everything I'm feeling so I can focus on just the ENM. I felt the breakup really tender and cute, a lot of hugs, crying, cuddles and lots of "I love you"

It hasn't been a easy week for me, but at least I have a nice group of friends that are NM and have been helping me process all this ❤️‍🩹

Now come the part where I just want to end myself. Yesterday I saw that they uploaded 2 stories that were obviously directed to their new partner and 1 of them was insinuating that my ex wanted to have s*x with her, I was on a full on crisis until 3am talking with a friend that helped calmed down a little bit but now in this morning I'm just bitter, I feel replaced and I feel like to my ex just doesn't care about this breakup because they basically have a rebound , AND I KNOW, ENM and polyamory is not about replace, but I just feel defeated, lost, lonely and feeling like I will never find love again because idk if I would ever like ENM/polyamory

EDIT: so yesterday I blocked them on every app because I didn't want to see those stories, in the middle of the night they called me and explained that those stories have nothing to do with this new girl, that they just shared it because they thought it was funny but didn't see what the meme said and after noticing that I blocked them they took down that meme because they realize that the meme had sexual connotations.

We talked about how I felt seeing them getting close and that right now I don't have the emotional band width to handle all that is happening, so the only thing I could de was run, that right now I just feel so fragile and small. At the end we agreed to have 1 more session with our couples counselor but we aren't together right now

...and I'm just unbelievably sad and have to put it somewhere.

My Partner (27NB) and I (30NB) have been dating for four years. We have been living together first in my old student apartment for a couple years and just moved in a bigger flat together. When we met I didn't expect this relationship to get serious and last really long so at first I didn't think much if I could handle polyamory long-term but was generally open to it. They also always told me we could do everything in my pace which kind of end up in us having more of an open relationship until last summer - in this we both fucked up, which became really obvious earlier this year.

Over the last year a lot happened and even though I really tried just accepting them as who they are and that they love other people and that it's fine...it became more and more obvious to me that this is not the kind of relationship I imagine myself in and that poly is just not for me. My partner is my priority, if I'm in a relationship and in love I have no interest in others romantically (or sexually...) and I would love to be with someone who shares this.

I told my partner that I don't see a future with us as a couple. That I don't want to be in a poly relationship forever but that I also don't want them to change because there is nothing wrong with them. That I think we are just incompatible because we want vastly different things in our future. They didn't say anything to this, just asked what I want from a relationship. And now they are trying so hard to give me everything I want and fix this relationship - exept monogamy and I would never ask that of them.

I know I have to end this and that in the long run it will be the best for both of us...I just wished they'd also realize that and we could figure everything out together peacefully. I still care about them so extremely much and even though my romantic attraction has faded over the last couple months they're still one of the most important people in my life. The last thing I want to do is to break their heart. I'm currently alone at home right now and just crying because I wished so much that things were different. That I could find a way to fall back in love with them like I still was a couple months ago. That I could learn to be happy and satisfied in a poly relationship. That we at least would've communicated better and discussed a lot of stuff way earlier and not when we both just signed a lease for our shared flat...

Its been four years. We're engaged for almost a year now. I really thought we would spend the rest of our life's together and have a family.

ive been in a relationship with my poly partner for almost a year now, and oh boy is the jealousy getting worse. i hate admitting it, but i really do and i know therapy could help TONS but money is a problem. shes been starting to get closer to someone and i feel like our time together is getting cut away but that might not even be the case and im genuinely just overreacting. i have bipolar, anxiety, and ptsd so its just a shit ton of emotions clashing together all at once. i just worry a lot, i even worry about the risk of stds and shit and i know it isnt healthy. i try to distance myself and become extremely passive aggressive, which isnt healthy at all and i feel so horrible. i dont even think, it just happens and im actively trying to fix it but god that nagging fear of being replaced is still there. it wasnt like this before, but we've grown a lot and talk about moving in together after highschool (we're in our senior year). i have no problem with her being poly, i find it charming how she has so much love in her heart, but my brain is constantly on panic mode. i feel like a pos. is there any better way of combating this?? im sure this is a common question or post in this subreddit and i do apologize, i just felt like i needed to get it off my chest and hopefully find some sort of insight, or maybe even a lecture if its needed.

It's so hard right now. My partner is poly and he's having a rough time trying to divide his time between everyone. I'm having a hard time because I feel like I'm getting neglected due to him and his other partner fighting right now. And whatever they do in that relationship always spill over into ours. He's been so supportive and kind with me and I'm trying my best to be there for him too. I'm really trying to be supportive and put someone else's feelings ahead of mines but it's so hard. I'm sure we'll have a discussion on this but I don't want to add to his load right now. I just wish he would communicate better. We were suppose to talk this morning but I didn't even get a text. I had to text him to see if he's OK. All he texted me was that his other partner isn't doing well. No apology for not calling. I had to prompt him to even get any kind of response. He's so focus on trying to fix the other problem that he forego everything else. I'm just a little disappointed and heartbroken. It's hard too not be selfish but I'm trying. I just needed to vent a little.

throwaway account. the love of my life (20f) who i’ve (20m) been with for three years just admitted to me she isn’t attracted to me sexually anymore and that she’s polyamorous and wanting to sleep with some of her friends. it’s been a few days since she’s said it and at first we came up with a sort of arrangement where we both find other people to satisfy our sexual needs as we haven’t been able to satisfy one another’s, but the more i sit here and think about the more it shatters me. she’s already gone on a dinner date with a friend and told me they were flirting. i didn’t let it get to me; i thought i was okay with trying this, but now it’s 4:45am and i’ve been sobbing since 3am and i want to die. i do have underlying mental health issues and am currently in the process of transitioning between medications so that definitely doesn’t help. she is the first healthy relationship i’ve had and we both dreamt of a future together, marriage, kids, growing old together. right now, i’m sobbing in my bed feeling suicidal, depressed, angry, guilty, anxious, lost, and every emotion in between. i feel so lonely, abandoned, and betrayed, even though i consented to this happening. i can’t see my life without her, i don’t want to lose her, but i can’t see this working out like this. i love her so much and i just want her to be happy. i don’t want her to feel as if she can’t be herself because she’s with me, but at the same time i don’t want us to break up and lose what we had. i feel like i wasn’t a good enough boyfriend to her. i feel like this is the universe’s way of punishing me. no matter what i always end up suffering. life was really looking up until this point. i thought i was getting better. i just wanted to be loved unconditionally by someone for once. this was my last try at relationships. i think that i might just be better off dead now. i don’t think i can do it anymore. i’m just so tired. please. i want to give up.

I've always been very monogamously-minded, but I fell in love with a poly man so I'm giving it my best shot. It all feels so unnatural to me, but I'm trying to date other people too. The other day I got rejected by someone I had a lot of interest in because he's only looking for monogamy. I feel like that rejection broke me a little. I wanted to scream, "I want monogamy too!!!! I'm not actually poly I'm just in a weird situation!" It made me wonder if I'm doing the right thing. It made me take a hard look at the potential I'm giving up and how painful I find polyamory to be.

I think I'm starting to lose respect for myself over how much I'm compromising for my poly partner. He's out on a date tonight. I never wish to know when he goes on dates, but he makes it too obvious. We fought about it. He's out with some woman and I'm alone, wondering if I can keep doing this. I never wanted to be this person. I judge myself for being this person. I think my past self would be ashamed of me.

I will never be enough for him. He will never only want me.

Exploring polyamory has made me realize how special I think monogamy is. I'm not holding out for monogamy with my poly partner because know he doesn't have it in him. He could never commit to one woman like that. Non-monogamy just feels like a lesser form of love to me. I know poly is supposed to be about "more love" but it just seems like scattered love to me? Love dispersed? Detached love? I feel like deeper love comes from more focused efforts on one chosen partner.

And you know what? Seeking more partners when you already have a partner DOES take away from your existing connection. At minimum it takes time away. At minimum. But it reality, it takes away and complicates so much more.

I'm struggling tonight. I'm feeling like I need to detach and protect myself. Feeling like I don't know if I have a choice because I find his interest in other woman so deeply unattractive. Feeling like I'm too precious to be in the position and he has no idea what he has in me.

Like the tag says, just sad.

anyone know any songs to have feelings to about the time your poly ex decided once and for all they’re poly and don’t want you as their partner anymore because you’re mono leaning?

im fine just in my feels and its such a specific feeling, we tried poly, then pausing and closing and nothing worked. i agreed to poly and was fine and actually excited about it initially but eventually it became too much. i should’ve seen it coming, but it still felt like such a shock since it was such a unilateral decision, being so low on the priority list so suddenly.

anyone else relate?

I've been debating posting for a really long time, because I tend to be a private person and thought I just needed to keep everything to myself, but now that I'm out, I figured, might as well get the thoughts outta here. For context, this tale is about myself (29m), my (now ex) husband Beef (32m) and his partner Shrimp (idk how old lol but nb). This is my little tale, and if anyone else can relate to this and feel less alone in their struggling, know that even if things get hard, and get bad, remember to love yourself enough to know when it's time to choose your heart.

Beef and I met through a shared interest over the internet, dated long-distance for a year, and then I moved in with him after a lot of discussion and apprehension on my end. I wanted to wait a bit longer, but we just felt we were so sure and I felt so safe with him, and... really, I didn't have much else to lose (I come from a very rough background so I really didn't have the best start in life or the best luck going forward haha.) He proposed a month after I moved in, and while I knew that the honeymoon phase wouldn't last forever, we'd had discussions about it and were happy to just enjoy the romance at the time. A lot of promises were made, and we swore that no matter how hard things got, we'd always communicate our feelings to each other like adults to avoid the trap of building resentment.

Things were amazing the first year. Then they got hard when we lost a beloved pet, and were hit with big bills we weren't ready to deal with yet. Due to certain laws and regulations where I lived, I wasn't able to work, but I did my best to offer help with budgeting, and taking care of our home. I have my own mental health issues and traumas, but I think for the most part I handle them as well as anyone can without access to reliable therapy. I write, journal, find things to bring me joy when things are hard and do my best to be as supportive as I can, and I allow myself to cry when needed to help regulate my emotions. Whenever Beef was stressed out or upset, I did my best to be there, to support him, and while I wasn't perfect in the slightest, I always did my best. Things were hard for a while, but I thought it would be okay. Just a little longer, just a few more steps, and then I'll be allowed to work, and we'll be okay, right?

Fast-forward a few years, and we're nearing our second wedding anniversary and our third year being together. He tells me he made a friend through the same interest that we had met through, and caught feelings for them. I'm surprised, understandably upset, but understanding. He's not sure if that's what he's feeling or not, and I know he doesn't really talk to a lot of people anyway, so maybe he's just confusing wanting to be close friends? It's a brief situation, the other person having a husband who isn't okay with this admission of feelings, and that friendship falls apart. I'm there for Beef through the whole thing, supporting him, telling him it's okay, he can't control what his feelings are, he communicated the best he could and sometimes these things happen. We hug, we kiss, he leans on me for support, and I guide him to feeling better and moving past this whole thing.

And then it happens again, not long after our second anniversary. Beef makes a friend through the same interest he and I met through, Shrimp, who is also married. We all hang out together as couples for a while via discord and internet games, and it's great, but I get this sinking feeling in my stomach. He wants to hang out with them more and more, and then he only wants to hang out with Shrimp for a while.

And then, the bomb goes off, and my whole world explodes.

In the same breath, he tells me he wants to explore a situationship with Shrimp, and at the same time, tells me he hasn't been happy in our marriage for a long time. I just thought the lack of sex was because he was self-conscious, that's what he'd told me before, and I never pushed him on it, never initiated, because I never want anyone to feel pressure, especially with something like that. I highly value comfort and consent. But now, now I'm learning that it's because he's no longer attracted to me, romantically or physically. I cry, I break down, because this is all just coming out all at once. He tells me he could choose not to pursue this with Shrimp, but then he'd be miserable and he wants to be happy, so my only options are to try to be okay with it, or leave. But he doesn't want me to leave. He wants me to stay, to try and fix our relationship, and maybe this other relationship will improve our own, right? And I always want to be openminded. I wanted us to work, I wanted to fix it, too, wanted him to be happy.

So I agreed. It was only later that I learned what 'poly under duress' meant.

It was a difficult adjustment. Our home only had one bedroom, and our computers were in the same room, so I always heard their conversations. I did research, then. Looked at the poly subreddit, looked at this subreddit, googled resources to learn about poly, how to be mono with someone who claims suddenly that they're poly, how to do the emotional work to disentangle myself from him to be okay with having more time to myself. We agreed to a schedule of certain days for Shrimp, certain days for me. We had many hard conversations, ones I initiated, because I was trying to navigate this on my own suddenly. Learning how to change my emotions on my own. I don't know if Beef did any research, it never seemed to me like he did, we never had talks about that sort of thing. Conversations only ever came up when I felt like he was spending more time with Shrimp than me, or when I learn my boundaries and tell him I need the relationships to be parallel, that I need him to have a separate space so I'm not overhearing things I shouldn't. He moved his desk to the bedroom, I put in music. I still overheard things on occasion, had breakdowns, but started processing on my own. Because he didn't want every conversation we had to be me being upset about something, and I wanted to have good days together without it being interrupted by me being sad because of some insecurity or other.

Despite wanting parallel, whenever I wanted to spend time with him, Shrimp often asked to join, he'd ask me if it's okay, and because I knew he would go to bed early if I said no, I always said yes. And then I'd get upset because it felt like I was a third wheel while he talked more to Shrimp during our hangouts than me. He eventually stopped calling me nicknames and only used my name, giving those nicknames to Shrimp. I noticed. He eventually stopped saying I love you with much heart behind it. I noticed. He eventually stopped giving me goodnight kisses before we slept in separate areas. I noticed. He stopped asking for cuddles. I noticed. He asked that we stop having specific days, so he can be free to hang out with either of us when he feels like it. I agreed, because he claimed he wanted to spend time with me on some of Shrimps days. He stopped spending time with me almost entirely. Two trips were planned for Shrimp to visit, and that was another point of contention.

I told him I wasn't comfortable with them being in our home during those trips, so he got an AirBnB for the first trip. The first trip was only a few months after their meeting. It was for a week, the first week I'd ever have to be away from Beef, and I was scared. I asked him to call me each day, just so I knew he was safe, and could hear his voice. On the last day, I agreed to go to brunch with Beef and Shrimp, because I didn't want to make it seem like I hated Shrimp. After the trip, he was depressed for a week. I'd asked to have time with him after the trip so we could reconnect, I'd read of a lot of couples in this situation who had reconnecting rituals. He spend most of the time we had together texting Shrimp, and calling them everyday. The second trip was a week right before my birthday. Another AirBnB, another week, but this time, he comes back telling me the trip was miserable, and they had a terrible time together. He asks me if they can use our home for the next trip.

At this point, I think I'm okay, I think I'm finally learning to be okay with things, I think I've finally learned how to manage my emotions and jealousy. I spend time with my best friend whenever it's not spent with Beef, I think I'm finally doing the thing. But this question shook it all up. I was deeply uncomfortable with the idea of being asked to stay somewhere else while they shared our home for a week. It hit close to personal trauma I have, and just felt wrong. He said it was to save money, said he had a right to share his home with his partner, and he wanted to make up for how miserable the last trip was. I said I'd think about it. And I did. I thought long and hard, I talked to several people, read a lot of things. But I just wasn't okay with it. We had a big fight when I told him I couldn't be okay with it. He said I wasn't letting him have one thing to make him happy, that it shouldn't be a big deal, it was only a week. If I couldn't stay with a friend, he'd just get me an AirBnB. He'd still get the car though. I told him it felt wrong, I told him it felt like I was being made to take responsibility for his other relationship because so many of my boundaries kept being pushed, and this was my final boundary. My home is a sacred place, my safe space, my center and grounding, and being asked to leave so someone else can live in my place, be around my things, my cats, my comfort, for any amount of time, it just didn't feel good for me.

That day, he told me he wished I would give up. That I'd stop trying to make our relationship work. He said he'd built resentment for three years. I asked why he didn't tell me sooner. He said he was just too stressed to talk to me about it. We said many more things. He said I should think harder about whether I want this or not. And so I did. And I realized... I wasn't happy anymore. 7 months of this, of trying to make myself be okay with this whole situation, and I was the one losing the most. He felt pressured to try and revive something he didn't want anymore, and I felt lonely that the person I was meant to spend the rest of my life with no longer wanted that connection anymore. He said we could still be roommates. We could still be friends. But how could we? How could I just get over spending 4 years in love with Beef, only to be roommates, and still have to watch him give the love I wanted to someone else?

I cried. I cried a lot. I think I've cried more in that 7 month span than I had in a very long time. That day, I made a decision. I could either stay, be his roommate, and learn how to live with him being happy with someone else. Or I could leave, start over, and give myself the space and option to find my own happiness again. To learn how to live without his love. It was a hard choice. Leaving meant leaving behind everything I'd worked so hard to build for 4 years. Not just our marriage, but my babies (our cats), our home, I was so close to being able to work, I was so close to getting the healthcare I needed. But I couldn't focus. Not when I could hear him laughing and smiling with someone else every day. Not when he barely talked to me anymore. Not when every wall was lined with memories of a love that no longer existed.

So I left. Here I am, six days later, on the other side of the continent, slowly rebuilding, slowly learning how to be okay again. I still cry, I still hurt. I miss him, I miss my cats, I miss our home, I miss the comfort and love and joy we used to have. But even if I stayed, I wouldn't get most of that back anyway. So this is for the best. I thought that if I did the work and tried hard enough, I could see our marriage survive the oh-so-common death that a lot of mono/poly relationships face. I thought, 'even though I learned that I definitely was placed in poly under duress, even though the way he opened our marriage was the worst way possible to do it, if I just hold on, if I just improve myself, if I work hard, we'll heal, we'll find love in each other again.' But he checked out a long time ago, and I didn't even know. He says the writing was on the wall, but it wasn't written in a way I could understand. I had no clue, and he never told me. Not until it all came crashing down. That might be my only real hang-up, the fact that he didn't talk to me when he was first feeling resentment.

I don't hate him though. I still love Beef, I still want him to be happy, I want Shrimp to be happy. I don't have any regrets about our relationship. I learned and grew a lot, and I'm going to keep learning and growing. But maybe... maybe I won't be so quick to get married. Maybe I'll trust my gut when it tells me to slow down a bit. I probably won't date for a long time though, haha. I don't want anyone to become a rebound. I want my love to always be honest and true.

Beef, I hope you learn patience. I hope you learn how to take things slow. I hope you learn how to communicate your feelings regardless of stress or anything else. Because no one will ever know if you don't tell them clearly. And I hope you find your happiness, in whatever way that takes shape. Maybe we'll be friends again one day. Maybe not. It's too early to say. But no matter what, I just hope that you learn to love yourself as much as I loved you, and you find your joy again. Thank you for being a part of my life.

Throwaway account since he knows my main and it would hurt him to read this. I'm venting mostly, I'm open to advice though.

The title basically. I wished I asked for a mono relationship at the beginning instead of trying to give poly a chance. I didn't because I was scared he'd reject me then, but goddamn I still wish I asked it. Perhaps he might've said yes. Perhaps he might've rejected me. Either would be easier than what's happening now.

He has a taste of what it's like to have us both, he doesn't want to give that up. He said I'd have to leave him if we ever were to break up. I don't want to. I just want him to leave them. Why can't I be enough, why can't he let me be enough? I don't want to be tied, I want to be first. I want to be different.

I don't want to break up. He's everything to me, I would be utterly destroyed by it and he would be too. I just want him to love me as wholely as I love him.

I swore to myself I wouldn't make him choose. I wish I didn't. I wish I could let myself be selfish and ask.

Just that. My partner of 6 years and I have had an open relationship for the past few years and I got to a place where I really was ok with it. The whole time I've been really worried that he'd want more than just casual physical relationships with others and now he does, he's said poly is part of his identity and he might need more. I'm working through this and working on figuring out what I need and whether I can compromise here. I'm not really in a place where I want much advice about what to do but I had to just dump this somewhere in the world. For right now, I just know this sucks. I'm really sad and angry. That's all.

im the mono in a mono-poly relationship, and it hurts man. my partner just told me they have a crush on someone i know (not v well but still) and i thought id be okay with it but later i ended up having a crying anxiety attack about it. these attacks have happened twice this week now, both surrounding the topic of being poly. i feel like i almost have to fucking gaslight myself into being okay but i wanna make this work so bad i just have no idea how to stop freaking out and crying and feeling like im not enough. ik it all has to do w core beliefs rooted in worthlessness but its so hard to understand why they are there and to try and change them. like, the “enoughness” in a relationship almost seems to be about self worth? i guess i wanna understand why that is a common theme in romantic relationships, the being enough.

like, logically i know my partner loves me, i love them, we have a great relationship and that should be enough right? my partner is there for me 100% whenever i feel like i need to talk or when i need to be emotionally vulnerable, so why do i still freak tf out?? why do i feel hurt and sad inside when they spend time with another partner? why do i get so sad when i hear they find someone else attractive or have a crush on someone? that last things normal even in a monog relationship ugh. i just want it to stop. like i shouldnt be sad my partner is simply hanging out with their other partner because just like in a monog relationship, im not fucking entitled to their time or attention. that is THEIR time and attention to give and i am not entitled to it nor do i own it. so why the fuck am i so sad about it.

part of me feels like my mental health is too bad to be in any relationship rn and that im better off alone. ive been in therapy for a lil over 2 years and am almost a licensed social worker with practice in clinical work which is why im so goddamn frustrated at myself for not being able to make myself make this work, like on my end. i sometimes feel like i am in just crippling anxiety abt it where i cant think abt anything else and cant even do anything else. its so goddamn annoying i dont know what to do and its scaring me.

sorry for the long rant and ramble- bottom line is i really love my partner and wanna make it work. anyone have any good tips for managing big emotions and anxiety in the moment? thanks 💛

Me (34M) and my GF (30F) were together for almost one and half year, and recently broke up. We were both very much in love, both into BDSM, and a really nice D/S dynamic. I’ve never been so happy with her, as I been with anybody else. Like we were made each other, the connection was crazy, never felt like that before. But then comes the problem:

She’s poly, was mono previously but found herself happier in an open one. I’m mono, and prefer a closed relationship. I was never opposed to try experiences involving other people, since I also have my kinks, but for me it would only be an experience. And she wanted in regular basis since she couldn’t have the open relationship she would like. So I agreed, as I didn’t want to lose her, and got myself prepared to go through with it. However, for some reason, she thought I didn’t really love her and even accused me of being with other girls during the time we were together (when she knew I’m mono, was cheated before and would never do that, hence wanting a closed relationship).

After severals discussions, trying to make her understand that it never happen, if something I did or say made her feel I was distant or upset about something, it was always due to my own insecurities that I would never be enough for her. I guess this is what happens when you are mono and dating a poly. I believe she loved me, but resented me for not being able to be with others. So not only she accused me of something I never did, right after we broke, she went ahead to fuck others, and actually, told me she would and who. Like she wanted me to feel what she felt by “thinking I fucked others”. However, it made me feel disgusted and again, cheated on. I don’t know if this reaction was done under anger/impulsivity, but makes me think she was projecting her needs onto me. She was the only who wanted to fuck others, not me. But somehow, I was to blame.

Not sure how to look at this behavior. I never touched another woman, I just need one and always made her aware of that. Maybe this was all so she could end up things and go ahead and be herself. Which in the end, was probably the best, but it hurts knowing she did that, and broke up with me because she really believed I was with others and wanted some sort of revenge.