How did I get here?

[u/Anontipper1177]

I’m a monogamous man that has been seeing this woman I met who is married to another guy. They have been together for almost 20 years but I guess they have the ability to see other people and when she pitched this idea and their situation by me, I decided to try it. She was just too beautiful. We’re all friends who hang out but my romantic interactions are solely with her. We do threesomes from time to time but I have zero interaction with her husband during that, it’s just all about her, as we’re all straight. I have also been with her alone. She and I talk regularly and we have a good connection, but I just can’t shake this deep sadness that I’ll never be able to actually be with her. I know the theory, I know how it works, and I know my place in this thing, but I still can’t separate the feelings I have for her from the logic of it all.

I know I’ll always be second fiddle to her. I know I’ll never be as important as her husband. We have our moments together and I enjoy them incredibly when we’re in them. When we’re together alone, she makes me feel like we’re the only thing that matters in this world; her focus solely on me, her gaze looking at me as if I’m the next best thing since sliced bread. However, at the end of the day, I go home, alone, and she gets to have more of the same with someone else that I’ll never measure up to when I’m gone, and I can’t help but feel that our moments together are cheapened by that fact. In the end, I know I’m probably just a fun toy to her; a side character. I can’t wait to talk to her throughout the day, but I know that no matter how much flirting and romantic banter and connection between us there is, there will be someone else she’s fulfilling that with while I sit on my couch, staring at the tv, because I can’t be around her everyday like he can. This has been the weirdest combination of happiness and sadness for me and while they get to talk to each other about this situation, about me, and bounce their thoughts and anxieties about this relationship back and forth between the two of them, I sit with it, alone, in my head, because none of my friends or family know about this; they’d think I’m an idiot (probably rightly so) or just wouldn’t understand it.

I know what the standard advice is, go find your primary, don’t be in a situation that doesn’t work for you, go and talk to other people, yaddah yaddah yaddah. I get it. I know the score, and what the only solution is. I’m never gonna ask her to replace her person, that’s just disrespectful and not my place. I just can’t bring myself to walk away. I know it’s an inevitability at some point. This will end. They will remain, and I will be just another notch, but I just want to be around her as much as I can until then. Maybe that makes me a masochist or an idiot or a myriad of other things, but the thing is, I was miserable before her, now I’m miserable still, but with her. I’m lucky someone like her even looked in my direction; that she was interested. Going back to how it was before doesn’t seem appealing to me, but neither does this weird situation I’m in. Every day, I feel this emptiness and deep sadness about not being able to be with her the way I want to be. They are both very nice people and she has been incredibly respectful about my feelings and making sure I’m okay, but I haven’t brought this up to her. It’s just not something that can be helped, and it’s not her fault. I don’t wanna sour the little bit that I do get. Until the end, I’ll just sit with it.

Anyway, this has gotten long enough. I’m sorry for the discombobulated thoughts. I guess I’m not really looking for advice. I know what the advice is, which I stupidly won’t heed. I just wanted to say it. To someone. To anything. The void.

Thank you.

[u/883ccs]

You need to leave her. Not because either of you are doing something wrong. But because you are just going to wind up hurt. Think about it. There is no positive outcome for you here