INFJ/INFJ Relationships

[u/Dialogue_Dub]

Hello all.

Curious to see what others have learned from being in this rare combination. Having been in an INFJ(me, female)/INFJ (him, male) for almost a year now, it's been pretty enlightening. We are eerily similar in our habits/processes, respect each other's private time, and having a weird sense of reading each other's minds from across the room at a party with a glance.

I feel like I've also learned about my own shortcomings through the things we both do. The main one would be assuming other's motivations (it comes across as pretty presumptuous now that I've been on the receiving end), another would be assuming people will read my mind through subtle cues (example: he is suddenly hurt by some secret test I didn't know I was on, or cue I didn't pick up on because he doesn't express what he wants in a very obvious way).

So, positive, negatives? Strategies for dating someone so similar? I find we get into conflict when we each do the same negatives above at the same time or are too stubbornly held in our opinions.

[u/digitallama]

I had a period of intense friendship with an INFJ male which I ended when he tried to ask me out because he was swept up by the feelings from our immediate and natural connection. I have to admit, I was deeply offended and really enraged when he professed his feelings for me, because it felt like he had ruined an otherwise valuable friendship by springing his feelings on me without bothering to check whether I felt at all the same way (I didn't). I ended up avoiding him for a while until I got over my outrage and we're now friends again, but we take care to be a bit more considerate of our individual boundaries and not let everything just merge into one hot mess.

The upsides of being with another INFJ were definitely appealing; we felt very comfortable with each other from the beginning and the conversation flowed as though it was all coming from one mind. But I found his Fe side to be a bit too intense at times and it came to annoy me quite a bit in the end. He seemed to be as passionate and idealistic as I used to be before a severe bout of depression turned me into a world-weary cynic, and I think I recognised too many of the things I dislike about myself in him, which is why I wasn't attracted to him (I prefer NTJs).

Your point on learning not to assume the other person's motivations is very salient. I, too, have realised how inappropriate it can be, after having been on the receiving end and feeling frustrated by it. It's great that your current relationship allows you to explore and understand things like that. I hope you and your partner continue to get much enjoyment from being with a type twin and that being with each other helps to bolster your strengths while shedding further light on areas that might need a bit more work.

[u/Fafn1r → u/digitallama]

it felt like he had ruined an otherwise valuable friendship by springing his feelings on me without bothering to check whether I felt at all the same way (I didn't).

He did check, by asking you out. Anything else would be an assumption.

I find this kind of reaction in women very annoying, because it's selfish, just as much as the friend asking you out is being selfish. It's annoying, because I've met only two women in my life so far who are aware of it and didn't suddenly get all arrogant or insecure.

[u/digitallama → u/Fafn1r]

I have to disagree. Asking a person out is usually a way of letting them know how you feel, not a way to know how they feel. And maybe that's fine if you've already established enough understanding between you to know that there's a good chance the feelings will be reciprocated. But if you haven't really taken any other steps to investigate how the other person is feeling, then I wouldn't be surprised if you're met with some resistance or even rejection when you try to ask that person out.

In the particular instance that I describe in my first comment, I was annoyed by my friend's actions because it felt like he was disregarding anything I might be feeling to just push his own feelings on me, and after I had mentioned that I wasn't particularly interested in romantic relationships at that time. Also, it gave me the impression that he wasn't content enough just being friends with me (it was early days still and I don't like rushing into things anyway), but instead had to have me for himself, just because that's what he wanted. To be fair to him, he did understand why coming on so strongly had upset me and he did apologise, because he's generally a kind and thoughtful person.

Maybe this is a misunderstanding that happens often enough between men and women when they are trying to get to know each other. The fact that you find a reaction like mine to be selfish but I find an attitude like yours to selfish is probably an indicator that things are getting lost in translation. Either way, I just wanted to say thanks for challenging me like this, as I find a little disagreement can help to hone one's thoughts and opinions.

[u/CaixCatab → u/digitallama]

You're basically saying that the other party in a relationship - romantic or friendship - should both be lying about or actively hiding his or her own feelings, while simultaneously guessing rather than asking about the feelings of the other party.

This is a very heavy burden to be placing on any relationship. Forget whether it's selfish, the problem is the strain on a relationship where being honest about the way you feel is considered offensive.

[u/digitallama → u/CaixCatab]

I was actually trying to imply the opposite, but maybe it didn't come across very well because I was describing this particular situation from my point of view.

My main point was that it felt upsetting to have my friend suddenly declare his feelings for me because it was done in a way where it felt like he had just pushed all his feelings on me and then expected me to accept it all with open arms. It came without warning, and even after I had lightly mentioned not wanting a romantic relationship at that time. His declaration therefore felt like he had chosen to ignore where I stood on the matter and just push past my boundaries because it was in his interests to get closer. I became upset because it felt like a violation of my boundaries, and by someone whom I had trusted as a good friend.

I definitely advocate openness and honesty in any kind of relationship, and I certainly don't think people should hide or lie about how they feel. But I don't think openness means dumping your feelings on someone and then expecting them to deal with it and be happy with you, unless they have said they would welcome that kind of thing.

It is also possible to find out if somebody might be ready to reciprocate your feelings for them without jumping straight in the deep end and declaring your love for them. That can be really overwhelming for the other party if they're not expecting it, and it puts them in the position of being the "gateway" to whether you get to have what you want in that relationship or not. So you're asking them to make the decision on whether you get to be happy or not. And if they're not on the same page as you in regards to wanting to take it to the next level, it's a hard thing you're asking them to do. If they say yes, then they're disregarding their own feelings just to make you happy, but if they say no, then they feel bad about denying you that happiness. A bit like how proposals can go wrong.