r/exchristian • u/Large_Drawer3515 Ex-TJC (True Jesus Church/真耶穌教會) • May 01 '26
Discussion Reclaiming my identity after leaving the True Jesus Church
For anyone unfamiliar, the True Jesus Church is a very strict, high‑control environment where conformity is expected and individuality is often discouraged.
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"I had an ex a few years ago who broke into my apartment and stole my Jellycats (cuddly stuffed toys for the uninitiated). You know the olives and the kale? They stole them!"
Aside from the obvious awful crimes (and this is not an ad for the brand!), it was strangely refreshing to chat with my coworker about cute plushies (of all topics) during a lunch walk toward the park. We talked about the different plushies we had, and as we did, I had a thought. These cuddly things became part of something symbolic I was rebuilding after leaving church: my identity.
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Cute cartoons
I loved Hello Kitty as a kid. Pochacco, Keroppi, Little Twin Stars, Pompompurin… they were and still are adorable characters. As I got older, my parents told me to give them up (the toys, stationery, fashion etc) because they were childish and that I needed to “grow up.” I really took that erasure to heart and begrudgingly, I gave my toys to charity or handed them to friends who wanted them. It was rubbish.
Just like I was losing this part of myself, being in church shaped me into less of an individual with agency and more of the same mold as everyone else in that environment. There was this unspoken template of the “ideal believer”: obedient, modest, compliant. I learned to contort myself into that shape, even when it didn’t feel right.
If you said anything that could be interpreted as a slight against leadership, you’d get hammered down so hard you’d never dare question anything again. I remember in RE class, the teacher asked us why we all came to church and I just blurted out, “because my parents take me.” She wasn’t impressed and “corrected” me on the spot.
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Shrinking
Any time I asked questions or had an opinion that could be seen as controversial (even though, to me, it was usually just suggestions for logistical church practices), it was labeled rebellion. Even liking cute things could be framed as worldly or “an idol.” Anything that brought joy for its own sake was suspicious, because God was supposed to be the ultimate source of praise and attention.
Leaving the church didn’t magically undo that. I didn’t walk out and suddenly know who I was. I walked out and realized I had to rebuild myself from the ground up. Not just my beliefs, but my tastes, my personality, my sense of who I was allowed to be. It was, and still is, tough. I felt ashamed of my hobbies even though there was nothing wrong with them. Therapy helped me understand myself better and reminded me there’s nothing wrong with liking things simply because they make me happy.
That’s where cute stuffed toys came in. They were silly and inanimate. They were everything I’d been taught to dismiss as I grew older. But when I looked at the plushies I still had tucked away in my closet, something in me lit up. It wasn’t about the toys themselves. It was about recognizing a part of myself I had abandoned because I was told it wasn’t “appropriate.” I’m allowed to choose things simply because I like them. I’m allowed to exist outside the version of myself the church tried to mold.
My coworker’s story reminded me how deeply personal these silly little creatures can be. They’re not just stuffed toys, they’re symbols of the selves I’m slowly rebuilding. There’s a reason these toys and others are so popular - they bring comfort, happiness, and a pleasant nostalgia. It helps that other adults enjoy them too, so it doesn’t feel as weird.
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Taking up room
I recently painted my room a bold color. This was something I never would’ve chosen back when I was still in church, when everything had to be neutral and “appropriate.” My walls are unapologetically bright and vibrant. I’ve decorated them with colorful prints that actually reflect my personality, not the version of myself I was told to be. I’m finally able to reclaim this part of my life which is the playful side of me.
Every time I look around my room, I feel so happy and reminded of the symbolism behind it all. These choices like the vivid colors, the artwork, and the plushies, are tiny declarations of who I am in this stage of my life. They’re proof that I’m allowed to take up space, to express myself, to enjoy things simply because they make me happy.
I love these things and what they represent. I chose them for me, in a life I’m finally allowed to shape.
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