r/datingoverforty • u/Infamous-Front-6540 • 4h ago
Discussion Realizing I was the placeholder
I was with my boyfriend for a year. We both have multiple children and different work schedules so we were navigating those challenges. It was frustrating at times but we were both committed, or so I thought. I was looking for a house closer to him to make song each other easier (we live about an hour apart). He was clear that he wanted to build a future with me and my kids (I’m a solo parent). Our kids had met and hung out. In March I had a series of difficult things happen back to back (my house flooded, my child ended up in the hospital, fixing the house was taking forever) and his father also had a stroke in the same time period. We didn’t see each other for a few weeks. He told me he wanted to support me. We were finally planning a weekday date, weekend day and an all day together. I texted him the morning we were supposed to go to dinner (we texted and talked daily), he replied once and I never heard from him again. That was mid April.
Yes he’s fine. I texted, called. Nothing. I decided to search social media (we were never connected on any platform because I’m not huge into it) and the first thing that comes up is a post from another woman. Less that a month after we were taking about plans, he was with her.
I’ve been a placeholder before, this didn’t feel that way while I was in it. I was his first relationship after divorce. But the specific future talk and plans just has me thrown. If he would’ve just told me he was done, things were too hard, whatever reason, I’d have accepted it. But to just ghost after a year.
Has anyone else experienced this? I really don’t understand relationships today!
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u/IceNein 4h ago
This is terrible. People throw around the term ghosting a lot, but you deserved to have him break up with you in person. In my mind this behavior really crosses over into emotional abuse.
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u/Infamous-Front-6540 4h ago
Seriously, though I know it’s hard. Just saying he was done would’ve been better than disappearing!
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u/Blessingsfromabovex3 4h ago
That kind of selfish behavior is likely why he was divorced ( I’m sure he wouldn’t tell you that tho ) you dodged a bullet.
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u/emu_neck 3h ago edited 2h ago
I wouldn't say it's so much of a placeholder scenario, but more like he met someone else while you were in a relationship and he decided to pursue her instead. She might be in the same situation next year, who knows.
The bigger issue is that he's obviously known that he didn't intend to continue a relationship with you, but was too emotionally immature to tell you. A person like this is usually conflict avoidant and will go along with whatever the current situation is, no matter how uncomfortable they are in it. He could have also been parallel dating this other woman and couldn't say no to her when she brought up exclusivity, so ghosted you instead.
r/ghosting might be a good place to get some insight into behaviour patterns.
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u/Infamous-Front-6540 3h ago
Anything is possible, though I’m not sure how he’d have time to parallel date. We were exclusive, but I know that doesn’t mean the same thing to everyone. I hope, for her sake, it doesn’t happen to her.
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u/radioactivez0r 3h ago
You seem to be trying to rationalize the behavior instead of acknowledging he’s an asshole and was likely cheating
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u/Infamous-Front-6540 3h ago
I don’t have to think he’s an asshole. If he was cheating, that’s a reflection on him.
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u/DesertSong-LaLa 2h ago
1st sentence: You're in denial. 2nd sentence is true & proves the first sentence.
How is he not an AH? (serious).
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u/Infamous-Front-6540 1h ago
I don’t have to think anyone is an asshole. He obviously wasn’t my person. I’m not in denial. His behavior sucked towards me, but I don’t have to carry negative feelings about him or any for that matter.
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u/DesertSong-LaLa 1h ago
OK; sounds great.
You detailed his behavior without 'carrying negative feelings'?! This reads as cognitive dissonance. Embrace what propels you forward. Best to you.
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u/Secret_Preparation99 3h ago
I’ve been there. I was with someone who ghosted after 2 years. They sent a text asking if I wanted to meet for dinner that night and I didn’t hear from them for almost 3 years after that . I’m sorry. Unfortunately, it will never make sense. But, you most definitely don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t value and appreciate you. And yes, it’s still painful.
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u/Infamous-Front-6540 3h ago
I’m sorry that happened to you. It sucks, for lack of better terminology. And I know it will never make sense. I’m thankful that my kids aren’t upset.
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u/mizz_eponine 3h ago
I'm sorry. I was a placeholder too, for over 2 years. He ended it by email. Email! It was unkind and it wrecked me.
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u/DontTellMe2Smile divorced woman 3h ago
I'm so sorry that happened to you, that is some serious cowardly behavior. Know this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. Respectfully fuck that guy, people are not disposable and no one should be treated that way.
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u/sok283 4h ago
That's terrible, he couldn't give you the dignity of a conversation? I mean, something must be seriously wrong with him! I'm sorry you had to find out this way but I'm glad you didn't move for him!
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u/Infamous-Front-6540 4h ago
That’s my whole point. Just tell the truth. I will say that I’m taking a long break after this. I really don’t understand how some people act nowadays.
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u/Timely-Jelly-1126 3h ago
I (54M) was with my girlfriend (45) for a year and a half. We signed a lease after we decided to stop house shopping so we could move to Europe together in a few years. Three weeks after we signed the lease we had a disagreement: no yelling or shouting, no name calling, just some tension as we worked through it, it being only the second misunderstanding we’d had. I went to work on Monday, told her “I’ll see you later.” But I didn’t. I never saw her again. She packed what would fit in her car and just…left.
The juvenility of people like this is gobsmacking. I don’t know if I was a place holder, per se, but modern dating, framed by the apps as it is, means too many people think there is always other grass and it is always greener. I don’t believe in karma but in instances like these I really hope that it is real and that it is vengeful. 🫂
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u/yeahgroovy 23m ago
Yes this. My ex bf of over a year actually told me “Maybe I’ll meet someone better than you.” Among other hurtful words. I hope karma is doing its job.
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u/Mysterious_Elk_8972 4h ago
I'm sorry that happened to you. I've read numerous stories from ppl who have been ghosted after a couple years even. That's so shitty, especially when it's ppl over 40 who should have more decency than that. The world and dating just keeps getting more confusing.
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u/Infamous-Front-6540 4h ago
We’d even had discussions about it early on and that neither of us understood it. Or the instant gratification society. If he would’ve told me he met someone, would I have been upset? Yes. But it would’ve been easier!
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u/Mysterious_Elk_8972 3h ago
Exactly. Ppl should at least have the maturity and decorum to tell the person if they're in a relationship, ghosting seems so childish. Sadly, even at our age, this is where we're at.
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u/Infamous-Front-6540 3h ago
It’s very sad. And I feel like it’s getting worse.
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u/DesertSong-LaLa 1h ago
He lacks good character and prioritizes to fill his needs. One bonus: His shallow selfish shined through before moving, meeting kids, etc. Really sorry you're going through this. This has nothing to do with you and says everything about him.
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u/Infamous-Front-6540 1h ago
Our kids did meet but mine don’t seem affected. Since they are with me 100%, I would notice. I am glad it’s before we moved for sure!
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u/kitakitslagi divorced woman 3h ago
I’m sorry. This happened in my last relationship. Over a year into it. We had broken up, and then had started talking a bit about possibly making things work again. He basically ghosted me after canceling plans we’d made and tell me that he would call me. No text, no call. Nothing. I tried reaching out multiple times. Nothing.
You’d think that being in a relationship for that long, with the future we were planning together that it would have deserved more than that. But no.
I don’t have proof but I’m convinced he found someone else.
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u/samanthasamolala 2h ago
My ex h would have ghosted me after 10 years except divorce takes paperwork. People can be really shitty. Your situation sounds like monkey branching more than you being a placeholder. It sounds like he’s old enough to know better is just a limited person. I’m sorry this happened.
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u/Any-Fudge1837 3h ago
Coward is the word I would use for him. He probably didn’t want to upset you after all you have been through…
I’m not justifying his behaviour, I just remember doing similar thinking in my 20’s. He’s probably been putting off telling you for so long that if he told you he’d met someone else now, you’d be like, how did you not tell me sooner?
Doesn’t realise this is worse. Coward
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u/uberstaragent 1h ago
Happened to me after seven months. We had met each others children and I had babysat his several times. Spent every second weekend together Friday-Sunday that whole time. Holidays, house moves, so much life admin we were involved with.
I picked his mother up from the airport when she came to visit. Six weeks later in October he just stopped communicating. He was knee deep in legal action against his former spouse the whole time we were together. Intervention orders against her... spent 30k defending himself. Found out in December they were back together.
I didn't love him but damn I felt blindsided.
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u/THROWRA_wondering99 50m ago
What a POS. I don’t think this is a place holder, he’s just a cheater and creep.
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u/AutoModerator 4h ago
Original copy of post by u/Infamous-Front-6540:
I was with my boyfriend for a year. We both have multiple children and different work schedules so we were navigating those challenges. It was frustrating at times but we were both committed, or so I thought. I was looking for a house closer to him to make song each other easier (we live about an hour apart). He was clear that he wanted to build a future with me and my kids (I’m a solo parent). Our kids had met and hung out. In March I had a series of difficult things happen back to back (my house flooded, my child ended up in the hospital, fixing the house was taking forever) and his father also had a stroke in the same time period. We didn’t see each other for a few weeks. He told me he wanted to support me. We were finally planning a weekday date, weekend day and an all day together. I texted him the morning we were supposed to go to dinner (we texted and talked daily), he replied once and I never heard from him again. That was mid April.
Yes he’s fine. I texted, called. Nothing. I decided to search social media (we were never connected on any platform because I’m not huge into it) and the first thing that comes up is a post from another woman. Less that a month after we were taking about plans, he was with her.
I’ve been a placeholder before, this didn’t feel that way while I was in it. I was his first relationship after divorce. But the specific future talk and plans just has me thrown. If he would’ve just told me he was done, things were too hard, whatever reason, I’d have accepted it. But to just ghost after a year.
Has anyone else experienced this? I really don’t understand relationships today!
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u/Character_Raisin574 40m ago
I'm sorry OP. Nobody deserves that kind of treatment. He is truly a coward who knows what to say to sound sincere. I'm sure you won't be the last woman he pulls that with.
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u/drjen1974 divorced woman 27m ago
What a cowardly weenie…idk sometimes it takes a year or longer to see someone’s real self emerge. Absolutely unacceptable behavior!
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u/Here_for_the_fun_13 0m ago
I had something very similar after a 6 month relationship. We met kids, spent a holiday toegether. I too was thinking about where we'd live together. His kids were grown. Mine still at home.
I think he had a plan for when his divorce was finalized and a better option (someone local and from his past) came into play. I was expecting a proposal or move in plans, and i got a break up. In hindsight, the other issues we had would have ended us. I was his first relationship, too.
Made me doubt myself and haven't been in another relationship since (8 years).
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u/Opposite-Lake-9679 4h ago
I'm sorry that happened. However I will say if you are getting put into a placeholder situation more than once then that might mean that you have some inner work to do. As we all do at one point or another in life.
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u/SaltSentence21 4h ago
Not OP and only curious what so you think is the source of this or what do you recommend for the inner work specifically?
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u/Opposite-Lake-9679 4h ago
Well I mean obviously this is very armchair kind of analysis because I don't know the OP. But generally if somebody is putting you in placeholder space then it might reflect that you yourself have low self-esteem and are choosing someone who is only lukewarm about you. Again this is very off the cuff so could be completely wrong. As for inner work oh goodness there is no lack of resources. Books, podcasts, influencers, videos. There is just a ton out there on inner work but it's very specific to you so really you just have to do your own research to find what your particular need might be.
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u/Infamous-Front-6540 4h ago edited 4h ago
I agree! Those other instances were in my 20s, a very different timeframe! We all made different choices back then. With dating since divorce, I’ve had a much different perspective. I definitely read this wrong though!
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u/Opposite-Lake-9679 4h ago
I look at every date and every relationship as a learning journey. I know that sounds cliche but once you appreciate that we are all here for the lessons It takes the sting a bit out of tough situations. Good luck OP!
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u/Feather_in_a_Zephyr 4h ago
Not fure I'd go that far but I am curious if OP, in retrospect, remembers clues to this potentially being the case?
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u/Infamous-Front-6540 4h ago
That’s the thing, I don’t. Maybe after a bit more time I’ll figure out what his clues were. There was no vagueness, no lack of commitment.
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u/Bambam302014 3h ago
The biggest red flag in your post is that you were his first relationship after his divorce.
While there is no exact formula for when someone is "ready" to date again, my personal rule of thumb has always been this: for every year a person was married, they should give themselves about six months to heal and adjust before entering a serious new relationship. For example, someone who was married for four years should ideally spend about two years focusing on themselves before jumping into another committed partnership.
I know many people will disagree, and this isn't a scientific calculation. However, research consistently shows that divorce is one of life's most stressful events. Studies have found that emotional recovery often takes one to two years, and longer marriages can require even more time to process the loss, rebuild identity, and establish a new normal.
That doesn't mean every recently divorced person is incapable of having a healthy relationship. But if you choose to date someone soon after their divorce, it's important to recognize that they may still be grieving, processing unresolved emotions, or figuring out who they are outside of their marriage. In many cases, the first relationship after a divorce ends up being a rebound or a transitional relationship rather than a lasting one.
It's not a guarantee, but it's a risk worth acknowledging before investing your heart.
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u/samanthasamolala 2h ago
Ok…..so someone who was married 22 years should stay single for 11 years? Make that make sense.
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u/Bambam302014 2h ago
My personal rule of thumb has always been that for every year someone was married, they should allow themselves about six months to heal before jumping into another serious relationship. By that measure, a person coming out of a 22-year marriage might benefit from taking around 11 years to fully process that chapter of their life. It's not a scientific formula, but it reflects the idea that the longer and more significant the relationship, the more time it may take to rediscover yourself before building something new with someone else. Keep in mind that 11 years is far longer than what most people actually wait after divorce; it's a reflection of this philosophy about recovery rather than a typical dating timeline. That makes sense.
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u/Infamous-Front-6540 2h ago
I completely understand your points. He did have casual relationships, just nothing serious. We met 2 years after his divorce. I don’t date people that are too fresh out of any long term relationship. Out wouldn’t be fair to me or them. He definitely could’ve figured out things during our relationship. A big one, imo, is that although it sounded great to date someone with kids the ages of his, it’s easier to not deal with someone else’s younger kids. All I asked for was honesty. People change their minds, decide they aren’t ready. I get that. Just use your words.
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u/SaltSentence21 4h ago
Well, for one thing, I think I have trouble with some of the placeholder ideology.
I mean, I definitely think there’s the placeholder thing. For sure. And I understand that.
But then, I wonder if it counts the same way if the person doesn’t know… like is the placeholding partner consciously keeping you as placeholder or did they just not realize how much they like someone else? I guess it’s about keeping it open in their minds. Which I am starting to think we all should, if we date. I no longer do so should probably take myself out of this sub.
I guess maybe the point is he was looking — or at least emotionally available to find someone (I guess we could say that) while he had you with him, right?
It’s definitely something to keep in mind, cause sometimes I think I’m gonna do more of the keeping men as a placeholder thing. I have never done it in my life, and I never thought it was for me, but they say doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result is the definition of crazy, so time to switch it up.
I think it really works a lot easier for men keeping placeholders cause women do so much more of the labor, once in a relationship (not before). Like even if I didn’t care about the other person, which would be a struggle for me by itself, I’m not sure I have the time or energy to maintain a man while I look for another.
Frankly, I’m not even interested in doing that, but it seems like the only way dating is done anymore.
I don’t understand it either my friend. Any of it.
At this point, I’m just here to get laid.
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u/Aggressive_Side1105 middle aged, like the black plague 4h ago
Ghosting after a year is just horrific behaviour. You deserve so much better. He sounds very selfish.