Losing Hope that I'll ever meet someone else that wants Children. Anyone relate?

[u/[deleted]]

[u/MySocialAlt]

You did not reach out after a second date and you're worried that she will ghost you?

[u/StealthyThings]

I’m 42F. I’ve never had kids and I’ve never wanted kids.

For me, even if I met the right guy it’s too late. I’m still biologically able to but the idea of being 60 with a kid in High School sounds like torture.

I’d be open to perhaps adopting or fostering (my childhood sucked so I’m all about helping those in need) but no chance I’d entertain having a biological child at this age.

No shade on women who still want kids late but that’s just not me.

[u/Miss_ChanandelerBong]

Interesting narrative- you didn't reach out to the woman after the second date and you think you got ghosted?

Even if it's true that she's not interested, you should question why you jumped to that so quickly. You're making assumptions and letting things happen to you rather than taking action and controlling your own life.

Also I hope you are prominently stating in your profile that you want kids and don't like dogs. Both seem like deal-breakers for you and worth saying it, even if you already selected "want kids" etc.

[u/hongos_me_gusta → u/Miss_ChanandelerBong]

I did not say I got ghosted. I said I think I would because of how the last date went. That said, I won't know if I do not try so I will contact her this week.

I agree I can or should clearly state what I am looking for.

I like dogs. I do not like living with dogs. I think there is a difference. We had many chickens, cats, and one dog as a child, but they all lived outside of the house.

[u/Miss_ChanandelerBong → u/hongos_me_gusta]

I'm glad you'll contact her. I hope it goes well.

There is a difference. Sounds like you like other people's dogs who go home with their owners. I feel the same about children, actually. We're complete opposites in those respects.

I actually dated a guy who knew I had a dog and never said a word about it, but when he came over, he freaked out and left because I had a dog. I would never have matched with him if I'd known he had issues with dogs. He said he thought he'd be okay but he wasn't. Oh well!

[u/ProposalNearby3113]

Have you had therapy? I see some black and white thinking here and a therapist will help you with that. 

Also, your communication might need some tweaking. That woman you had a second date with: what if she was interested but when you didn't reach out, she moved on. If you felt like you were bothering her, why? A therapist can help you navigate these things 

One thing to consider, if you're having difficulty dating in your current city, those difficulties will follow you to another locale. So, perhaps it is your approach and communication you need to work on. Also, if you only started in January - that was only 5 months. Not enough time to throw in a towel.

Social media is great for events, sure. But social media at 40+ is not a requirement.  In fact, I hate it and actually look for it not to be a factor.

Do you have any active friend group? If not, build one. Second, become a "regular." Whether that be church, volunteering for a cause, a sports team or club, a coffee house. Whatever. You never know if a guy friend has a single sister who hates dogs but wants kids. But you have to also build that relationship.

WHY do you want kids? Seriously, it is a question that men are not asked enough. And, are you willing to step up to the plate to do equal child rearing and labor of it? If i am going to have kids with someone, those are questions  - at minimum  - I'd ask. And, honestly, that right now is a MAJOR reason why many women do not want kids. Yet, I didn't really see that mentioned by you. 

[u/ProposalNearby3113 → u/[deleted]]

I urge you to maybe work with someone now. 

Journaling and books help, but they are not the end all. 

A therapist will help you connect with people and that is what you need. Even if you never get married and never have children, you still need to connect with people. You need to look to ways to build that community and have it be a consistent support system. 

[u/ProposalNearby3113 → u/[deleted]]

SIX months? Years ago. 

THIS explains, well, everything. 

Yeah. I'm out.  I am not qualified to help you. No one here is. 

You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make it drink. You sir, are that horse 

[u/samanthasamolala → u/ProposalNearby3113]

Were you replying to OP and he deleted it?

[u/One_Net_1282]

Get back into therapy to so you can work on these things as you date and have coaching. I agree with PPs who observed black and white thinking, negative thinking, and communication challenges.

There are PLENTY of women who want to have children and are looking for the father of their children.

[u/hongos_me_gusta → u/One_Net_1282]

OK, thanks for the advice.

May I ask what I specifically wrote that is concering, 'black and white thinking,' negative, and involves communication challenges?

well, communication challenges, I've gone on some or several dates over the years where the conversation does not 'flow' very well. Is that normal or is it me?

[u/Secret_Preparation99]

There are many, many women in your age range (whatever it is) who want to have kids. That I am certain. There is no need for you to give up on that now. Will you meet someone that wants to have kids w/you ? None of us knows. However, there’s no need to give up that goal yet. You may decide to at some point, but I’m just talking about right now.

I’m extremely outgoing, so I meet people everywhere. I also only have 2 or 3 friends, so I’m only social for my job. However, what you are describing is finding a fit. You can be the most charismatic person or the one playing Dungeons and Dragons in the basement, and both can struggle with finding a fit.

It’s great you have found some activities to meet people. Do things because you enjoy them. Meeting people is a bonus. There’s no guarantee that you will meet someone to date by doing these. I’m assuming you use dating apps? I don’t have much experience with those but your experiences sound very common. It’s just another tool to meet people. Whatever apps you use, you need to only focus on people who say they are interested in having kids. Otherwise, you’re just wasting each other’s time I suppose. You can also say no dogs. You can put any preferences that you desire. I believe online dating creates this perception that there’s this endless Pez dispenser of options. There is not. But you should include whatever is important to you in your profile.

You need a very thick skin to date in general nowadays. People can ghost whether they met you online or at the grocery store . I know it’s difficult not to take things personally, but truthfully, it’s not anything until it’s something. Many people here will tell you it’s a numbers game. Not to sound jaded but realistically speaking, everyone doesn’t find someone. However, you want to find someone, so you should certainly keep looking. Some people could find a person to marry on their first date, and for others it might be on the 257th person they met. Some are still looking. Some have decided the juice is no longer worth the squeeze. The bottom line is that if you want someone in your life, then you will have to keep looking.

Do you like where you live? If you are interested in moving somewhere else, then by all means move somewhere that is appealing to you. Don’t move for the sole purpose of trying to find someone. Honestly, I think most people’s experiences are very similar regardless of where they are. They may feel like they have more options, but there are flaky and noncommittal people all around the world.

Hang in there.

[u/hongos_me_gusta → u/Secret_Preparation99]

Thanks for the long & thoughtful reply.

Yes, I agree that I need to date with intention and less is more. Regarding online dating that I need to filter.

Yes, I know I need to have a 'thick skin,' but sometimes it's easier said than done.

I do not wish to share where I live for the same of annominity. I agree that I should not nor won't move solely to increase my dating options. That would be silly. Though, I am curious to travel elsewhere just to learn or find if there's another city I've never been to that would be better suited for the life I want. I'd like to live in the country / rural area once again

[u/rhinesanguine]

Tbh I look at men looking to have kids this age with a bit of a sideeye. Children are a very serious responsibility. The person you choose to have kids with is of the utmost importance and shouldn't be rushed. I'd want to know a lot more about your relationship history, if you've always wanted kids, why your previous relationships didn't work out.

Most women in their thirties will look to marry men around the same age. More women in their forties are having kids, but obvious fertility declines significantly for women. Men's sperm also carries risk for genetic mutations as it ages.

All in all I don't think it's hopeless but it won't be easy.

[u/PriorChow]

A 40M can easily date someone in their 30s and I am sure there are women there hoping to have children. If you met a very nice woman who does want kids, but has cats and dogs, what would you do?

Trying to fit all the boxes will make your choice very narrow.

[u/hongos_me_gusta → u/PriorChow]

Thanks for the encouragement and that is sound perspective or advice.

for the record, I grew up w. chickens, cats, and one dog ... but they all lived outside our house. I still like cats & perhaps dogs. What i dislike are unkept hair covered apartments. I will be flexible regarding pets

[u/samanthasamolala]

If you can’t handle a dog inside a house, I don’t think you will actually enjoy having a 2 year old in your house. You sound confused.

[u/hongos_me_gusta → u/samanthasamolala]

Thanks for your reply. However, I do not think I'm confused. I grew up with and around animals. We had chickens, cats, a donkey for a time, and one dog. Yes, I'm aware both are messy, gross, energetic, etc., but a dog is also very different than a 2 yr old child.

[u/samanthasamolala → u/hongos_me_gusta]

I suspect you are not receptive to feedback- but I’m hardly the only poster to point out that you are very siloed in your thinking. A dog is much less than a child in terms of the reasons you don’t want a dog in a house.

[u/hongos_me_gusta → u/samanthasamolala]

I am receptive to feedback. Please explain why "a dog is much less than a child in term lf reasons you don't want a dog in a house." What reason or reasons? Perhaps I will change my mind.

[u/AutoModerator]

Original copy of post by u/hongos_me_gusta:

Hi, so I'll attempt to be brief and post more specific questions at the bottom of this post.

me: I'm 40M, never married, no children, and single. I've had a few short & long term relationships, but each ended for one reason or another.

Social Anxiety or shyness & meeting new people: I've developed more social &/or dating confidence & skills over the years and from experience. However, when I was a teen, into my 20s, and perhaps even a bit now ... I was terribly shy or socially anxious. I don't have any or many friends in the city I've now lived & worked in for the past 4 years. I find it difficult to find social events or activities that interest me here in this city. Well, I've found a few things like a book club and music jam session, but not much else.

Children: I understand how &/or why people do and do Not want to have children. all the various factors (financial stability, economy, costs of child rearing, pain & complications of child birth, etc etc.). I think I do Not need that explained to me. I can respect anyone's decision to have or Not have children. I attempt to not judge people, but we all do that and especially in dating.

Dogs: like children above, I get why people want or don't want a dog as a pet. I grew up in a rural area of farms, dairies, and plenty of animals, but I cannot understand why people live with dogs the way they do. We had animals, but they were not permitted in the house. I think dogs are fine animals, but I do Not want to live with one. Sorry & not sorry. Anyway, I find it hard to find someone that does Not have a Dog here as well as wants children.

Social Media: I've not had any social media acct. for 10 or so years. However, ... about 2 months ago I gave in and I did create instagram, facebook, and meetup accounts. I do not have any or many friends or followers, but have found those sites useful for finding local events.

Dating: starting in January I began OLD / online dating again. I tried to have quality photos & profile description. I got some matches, conversations that led to a few first dates, and plenty that led to nothing. So then with in-person first dates ... I'd either find the conversation led nowhere or a lack of connection, getting ghosted, nd/or I'd meet someone that I thought the attraction was mutual, but then would learn she does Not want to have children. Ex: I met someone awhile ago that does want children, we want on a first dates, then she went on vacation, then a second date. Hiwever, at the end of the second date, I felt like I was bothering her &/or she wanted to leave and go home. That was about 2 weeks ago. I've not reached out to her and she's not contacted me as well. bummer. I could text or call her, but I'd be unsurprised if I'm once again 'ghosted' or rejected.

Hope: I'm starting to feel really hopeless or that I'll never meet someone I could have children with here. I mean, I had two dates w. the one woman, and first dates w. others, but it led nowhere or I've been either rejected or 'ghosted' so often. Do I just need to learn to become fine with the idea that I'll never have children? No Attachement to Outcome?

Q1: if you are or were ever rather shy, socially anxious, or introverted what did you do to still meet and date more people?

Q2: how have you met more potential friends and/or other singles in your town or city rather than solely using online dating?

Q3: can you relate &/or do you find it difficult to find someone single that also does or does not want kids or does or does not want a dog?

Q4: How do you Not lose Hope in dating? No Attachement to Outcome?

Q5: Should I even consider moving to another city perhaps where people have different values? Seems extreme, but why not?

Thanks for reading all this and thanks for any advice.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/AutoModerator → u/[deleted]]

Hi there, PLEASE READ THIS! Unfortunately, your account is too new for us to automatically accept comments or submissions yet. We receive a lot of spam or other undesirable contributions from very new accounts. In an attempt to help control that problem, we just need a chance to take a look at your post or comment first. Please contact the moderators for review and, if you are adhering to the rules, approval so other users can see it. Most often this process is able to be handled within minutes to a few hours but on rare occasions it could be as much as a day or so after we receive your polite request for review in modmail. Thank you so much for your patience and understanding as we attempt to keep our space healthy and civil for everyone.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/rubythieves]

I would be very, very direct on your OLD profile. I’ve seen men write ‘Looking for marriage and kids in the next 2-3 years. Full-time employed senior engineer with WFH 3 days per week, home owner, devoted uncle to 5 nieces and nephews. Ready to meet my future wife and mother to my kids.’

I’m obviously not the target market (been there, done that) but if I was, I’d absolutely date that person - clear intentions, obviously has their shit together financially, the WFH detail implies they understand raising kids is a two-person job, cute detail about their nieces and nephews also tells me they have a close extended family so hopefully added support if we had a family… and nothing creepy or off-putting like ‘I want to put a baby in you’ or ‘done with girls for the streets want the one that’s for keeps.’

[u/hongos_me_gusta → u/rubythieves]

OK, thanks for this advice or I will be very direct or specific with my profile & in general in-person.

[u/Sushi_connoisseur222]

Do what your fellow 40m love doing and find someone 15 years your junior to date. Should solve the problem

[u/PurringPickleWeasel → u/Sushi_connoisseur222]

Women who want kids usually want a father for those children. 25 year old women can get younger men without geriatric sperm and a bad back.