r/datingoverforty • u/BurntRiceEx • 8h ago
First date in 15 yea
I'm a 41yr old divorced dad (married for 15yrs) with a kid for well over a year now. Went on a first date this past Saturday and with a 34yr old with kids of her own (married for 14yrs) and will be wrapping her divorce by the end of the month. I brought her flowers, open doors for her, had a great dinner, went for a nice walk, eye shopping as if we were rich, then a show. After the show I felt like I was out of ammunition on things to talk about. I drove her back to her car and had an awkward back and forth like we both wanted to get close but didn't. There was some physical contact throughout the date but I felt I should had gone in for a hug at the end??? She texted when she got home to let me know she made it home safe, said she had a good time and said she wanted to go out again sometime.
The next day she asked my opinion about her and then I realized I didn't pay her any compliments when we first met in person. I told her she was cute, beautiful, and had a smile that stuck with me all night and she was calm, stoic, and relaxing to be around. I told her I wanted to hold her hand as we walked and she asked why I didn't. She said I was sweet and attentive and I was a whole new experience for her and she really had a good time.
So I went to set up a 2nd date for the following weekend and but she replies she wants to wait until her divorce is finalized and was feeling guilty since she was technically still a married women, she didnt want her x to find out she went on a date as to not complicate their divorce, and once the divorce is finalized she will go out with me again, she said I was really nice and she didnt want me to start to have feelings for her or vice versa and that it wouldnt be fair to me.
Am I out? Was this a super nice let down? Should I be patient? Should I still message her on the regular to be consistent? Should I just move on? I don't want to come off as clingy. I don't even know what that looks like.
9
u/GeekyRedPanda 8h ago
Whether or not she's telling the truth, she's chosen not to go out with you again for the time being. I would move on and not hold out hope for her to return.
2
7
6
u/fosarereal 8h ago
It sounds to me like she really does want to see you again, but just wants to wait until her divorce is finalized. I think you could continue messaging her but be relaxed about it, and let her know the door is open when she's ready. And continue living your life until she is ready.
11
u/arthritisankle 8h ago
No reason not to take her at her word. Seems unfair if she expects you to wait for god knows how long the divorce will take. Might as well put yourself out there and go on other dates in the meantime.
My only real advice is donât get super attached to someone you donât really know yet.
9
u/Opening_Track_1227 8h ago
Be patient, and give her room/space to finalize her divorce/decide if she wants to date you further(or date anyone this close to her divorce).
It's too soon to be obsessing over if you are out or if she is letting you down and the rest you are obsessing over, it was just one date.
18
u/HitEmStraight2998 8h ago
I know youâve been out of the game for a while, but flowers, dinner, a showâŚbasically the girlfriend experienceâŚfor a first date, is way too much. You already came off as a bit clingy and whatnot.
Plus someone still married with a divorce ending may also feel itâs too much too soon.
2
8h ago
[deleted]
7
u/Snowbirdy salt and pepper forever 8h ago
Itâs a lot for a first date. I gave a woman flowers after dating for a month including sleeping together multiple times, and people told me in todayâs lens on dating, the flowers constitute love bombing.
Here I was thinking I was being a gentleman because I gave flowers to a woman that I had been inside of and exchanged bodily fluids with. But I was sternly corrected on this by multiple people. Multiple women told me I was love bombing by this action.
If thatâs the standard, first date is definitely too much.
3
u/HerrManHerrLucifer 7h ago
I think flowers are fine once you're close enough to be sleeping together. But I would balk at them on a first date.
1
u/Snowbirdy salt and pepper forever 5h ago
Thatâs kind of where I come out. Depending on the circumstances, it could be OK to give a woman a single Rose on a first date, thatâs not going overboard. Or when youâre out a restaurant outside and someone comes up to you on the street selling individual roses. It can be a nice gesture in the moment.
2
u/Mumma83 6h ago
I guess that's why we are all different. I think flowers, when picked right, are perfect for any occasion, including a first date. It turns lovebomby when they bring flowers every time, for any reason, just because I said it was a beautiful gesture initially. But the odd bunch of flowers, chosen in my fav colour, or fav flower, shows me you were paying attention.
4
u/MyCatIsFluffyNotFat 7h ago
Dinner ok. Flowers no, it's weird.
Thats for OLD, meeting an Internet stranger.
First date = vibe check, are they real? Check for some compatability.
6
1
8h ago
[removed] â view removed comment
1
u/AutoModerator 8h ago
Hi there, PLEASE READ THIS! Unfortunately, your account is too new for us to automatically accept comments or submissions yet. We receive a lot of spam or other undesirable contributions from very new accounts. In an attempt to help control that problem, we just need a chance to take a look at your post or comment first. Please contact the moderators for review and, if you are adhering to the rules, approval so other users can see it. Most often this process is able to be handled within minutes to a few hours but on rare occasions it could be as much as a day or so after we receive your polite request for review in modmail. Thank you so much for your patience and understanding as we attempt to keep our space healthy and civil for everyone.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
5
u/sunqueen73 8h ago
As you know, dating fresh out of a long marriage (or ALMOST out) is a tumultuous, confusing time, especially with kids.
Best practice is to avoid these types and situations altogether.
3
u/the-BBC-news 8h ago
I get that youâre new to dating post-divorce, but if they arenât divorced, DO NOT DATE THEM.
Personally, flowers are a bit much for a first date - Save that for the first time you go to her house to either pick a date up or for dinner (usually at least a couple dates in). But the flowers arenât why she opted outâŚ.itâs because sheâs still legally married, doesnât want to fuck up her divorce agreement before itâs signed, and probably realized she is not at all ready to be dating. Itâs never good to jump straight from a marriage ending in divorce right to the next man. She needs to be on her own for a good bit.
6
u/Opposite-Lake-9679 5h ago
You should keep dating other people. Then maybe when her divorce is final she will reach out to you. In the meantime you can just say okay just let me know when you are available again and leave it at that. Oh and you sound like you are a great date!
7
u/choosetobetheproblem 8h ago
The most basic thing I look for in a partner is that they are single. This person wasnât single. You dated a woman who is married and now youâre dealing with the kind of drama you would if you were the other man because her ex canât know and sheâs keeping secrets.
The most repeated shit on this sub is to not date people who arenât single. Thatâs includes : about to be divorced, separated in my heart years ago, and we are just roommates together because the kids and finances but I swear we are divorcing eventually.
Good luck!
7
u/Late_Butterfly_5997 8h ago
I would wait until after her divorce is supposed to be finalized. If she doesnât text you within a week of that, then text her just a basic âhow have you beenâ type of message. If she responds, then take it from there.
In the meantime donât wait around, this probably wonât go anywhere, so act as if itâs over unless/until it picks back up down the road.
5
u/welltravelledRN 8h ago
I hate to be this person, but scroll through the posts here and EVERY one that starts with people dating before divorce is heartbreaking.
Sheâs married. Thatâs the most important part of your story. Even once divorced, she will need time to figure out who she is before dating again.
7
u/Snowbirdy salt and pepper forever 8h ago
Text her in July, my friend, if you really canât stop thinking about her. But be prepared for a rough ride.
My rule of thumb is one year post divorce absolute. Not divorce nisi. Divorce absolute. Not living together.
Particularly when there are kids involved thereâs typically so much drama. Itâs not worth it.
7
u/RedwoodRespite 8h ago
Try to hold back on expensive dates until theyâve gone out with you a few times. Flowers is a lot for a first date. Just invite them to drinks or coffee, ice cream, a cheaper dinner, etc. no need to shell out for someone you donât even have chemistry with.
1
u/AutoModerator 8h ago
Original copy of post by u/BurntRiceEx:
I'm a 41yr old divorced dad (married for 15yrs) with a kid for well over a year now. Went on a first date this past Saturday and with a 34yr old with kids of her own (married for 14yrs) and will be wrapping her divorce by the end of the month. I brought her flowers, open doors for her, had a great dinner, went for a nice walk, eye shopping as if we were rich, then a show. After the show I felt like I was out of ammunition on things to talk about. I drove her back to her car and had an awkward back and forth like we both wanted to get close but didn't. There was some physical contact throughout the date but I felt I should had gone in for a hug at the end??? She texted when she got home to let me know she made it home safe, said she had a good time and said she wanted to go out again sometime.
The next day she asked my opinion about her and then I realized I didn't pay her any compliments when we first met in person. I told her she was cute, beautiful, and had a smile that stuck with me all night and she was calm, stoic, and relaxing to be around. I told her I wanted to hold her hand as we walked and she asked why I didn't. She said I was sweet and attentive and I was a whole new experience for her and she really had a good time.
So I went to set up a 2nd date for the following weekend and but she replies she wants to wait until her divorce is finalized and was feeling guilty since she was technically still a married women, she didnt want her x to find out she went on a date as to not complicate their divorce, and once the divorce is finalized she will go out with me again, she said I was really nice and she didnt want me to start to have feelings for her or vice versa and that it wouldnt be fair to me.
Am I out? Was this a super nice let down? Should I be patient? Should I still message her on the regular to be consistent? Should I just move on? I don't want to come off as clingy. I don't even know what that looks like.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
u/SchuRows 6h ago
I wouldnât recommend waiting for this one. In the future avoid people who arenât actually divorced unless youâre ok with short term and sudden changes of heart. I dated in that head space and crushed a lot of men. I just didnât have the emotional bandwidth to really care about them. And I lacked the self awareness to know it.
As others have said you will tire quickly if every first meet is a production. Remember youâre meeting strangers on the internet. The chances of in person chemistry is quite low despite how they look in pictures and chat.
1
u/MediumLanguageModel 4h ago
Take her at her word. The dating scene is rough for everyone, it's unlikely you'll find an even better match in the next few weeks, and even if you did, you'd still have this hanging over you.
I'd say ask her what she thinks about communication. Say you want to keep the flame alive and want to respect her boundaries. Maybe she'll say texting every day keeps her positive during the divorce. Maybe she'll just want the space. Talk it out
1
3h ago
[removed] â view removed comment
1
u/AutoModerator 3h ago
Hi there, PLEASE READ THIS! Unfortunately, your account is too new for us to automatically accept comments or submissions yet. We receive a lot of spam or other undesirable contributions from very new accounts. In an attempt to help control that problem, we just need a chance to take a look at your post or comment first. Please contact the moderators for review and, if you are adhering to the rules, approval so other users can see it. Most often this process is able to be handled within minutes to a few hours but on rare occasions it could be as much as a day or so after we receive your polite request for review in modmail. Thank you so much for your patience and understanding as we attempt to keep our space healthy and civil for everyone.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
u/PsychologicalNose197 2h ago
Avoid the people with pending divorce. They need time to process what happened. Even those that are fairly recently divorced I avoid. She might have felt overwhelmed with all the things you did. Don't stress about this, date other people. If she reaches out fine. But if she doesn't you know it wasn't meant to be.
1
u/DesertSong-LaLa 1h ago
You both have choices. She set a boundary. Let her contact you. If there's no contact maybe she's going through post-D things: feelings, realizing there's a checklist of things to still do (eg, remove a name from bank acct, 2026 tax filing options, return things of the ex that landed in her moving box....etc.
If she reaches out then you decide. Based on posts in this sub not everyone 'needs' 9 to 12 months to pass to date post divorce. In in the meantime, continue dating and fully engaged in what you enjoy.
21
u/nooneyouknow89 8h ago edited 6h ago
I would leave the ball in her court- let her know you'd like to see her again, you understand, and to reach out when she's ready. If she's interested, she will.
As soon as you mentioned her divorce hasn't been finalized, I suspected there might be a complication to this situation. I don't want to date anybody who isn't officially divorced because I think there's processing that needs to be done before they are ready to date intentionally. Trust me, I know there are 1000 different scenarios and some people have been well over the end of their marriage for a long time and perhaps that doesn't apply. I just don't want to be the person who gets hurt wading through that particular situation. Just my opinion!