r/datingoverforty • u/Rider_Die7 • 10h ago
Dating a woman almost half my age
I (52M) have been divorced for 3 years and have a 13 year old daughter. I started dating a woman (27F) about a month ago. We’ve known each other for a few years and have always enjoyed each others company but were never romantically involved, until now. I’ve never dated anyone more than 6 or 7 years younger than me before and I’m getting some negativity from family about my decision to date someone 25 years younger. We are both professionals and demonstrate genuine respect for one another. We communicate openly about our reasons for being attracted to one another and about our concerns regarding the age difference. My family’s concern is that I will tarnish my reputation and embarrass my daughter. What are your impressions or experiences with a 25 yr age gap?
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u/UrbanPugEsq 7h ago
You will probably embarrass your daughter and such a large age gap probably wont work out long term, resulting in two women who aren’t in your life.
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u/Infinite-Log7358 7h ago
You mention that you are both professionals, do you also work together?
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u/Snoobeedo why is my music on the oldies channels? 6h ago
The fact that he says he’s known her for several years and they have always “enjoyed each other’s company” makes me wonder if she’s a coworker or employee.
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u/perhapsflorence 7h ago
What could you possibly have in common with someone half your age? This gives me the ick.
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u/ConscientiousBee 6h ago edited 6h ago
48m - I would have thought the same a year or so ago. Sometimes people just click, despite a big age gap. It happened to me fairly recently with a lovely, smart, beautiful 29f from one of the big consultancy firms. After struggling to speak the first time we met, she was subsequently quite forward with me. I don't see any ick in that. Just two adults who are attracted to each other. I ultimately chose not to pursue anything. More for her sake than mine.
Conversely, in my late 20's I was the younger man, with a partner 12 years older than me. She was smart, beautiful, and we instantly clicked, so we gave the relationship a go for a few years. Is that less ick because I was a big burly guy?
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u/smartygirl 4h ago
12 year gap is not 25. Especially when OP's daughter is only 14 years younger than his gf
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u/Rider_Die7 6h ago
Mostly we just enjoy spending time together- Talking, cooking, going for walks/hikes, reading poetry, etc. It seems that whatever we’re doing it’s just better when she’s there. I get it though. It gave me the ick when my cousin was dating a girl 15 years younger. I didn’t plan it, nor did I see it coming. She appreciates the calm and stability I bring and I appreciate the energy and enthusiasm she brings. We both look at it like maybe it will work for the long-term, maybe it won’t. Who knows? As long as we demonstrate love and respect for one another and are both invested in the others happiness and well-being, why not enjoy each other.
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u/DesertSong-LaLa 1h ago edited 1h ago
Great....if your daughter at 18 dated someone 20+ yrs older cause they enjoy what you listed would it sit right with you? Be prepared for many to feel the ick like you did toward a cousin but your words state you're moving forward. Read up on life stages....it matters to most. If she's in peri-menopause (age 40) you quality for Soc. Security (67 age). Good luck. You're positioning yourself to give your daughter ick to the core for a long time.
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u/PurringPickleWeasel 3h ago
You don't really have a "long term" left to offer her, my dude.
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u/krisdmv 55m ago
May /December relationships have been around forever, look at Catherine Zeta Jones and Michael Douglas for one example. Michael's father told him that if he wasn't going to marry 'her (Catherine)' then he would.
Granted it is not everyone's preference or business if they are consenting adults, and it wouldn't be my preference either, but to each their own.
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u/Snoobeedo why is my music on the oldies channels? 7h ago
I wouldn’t date a guy if I knew he ever dated someone half his age. I have an older teen daughter and that type of man wouldn’t be invited into our lives.
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u/Rider_Die7 6h ago
She is 27 years old. She’s emotionally and intellectually fully developed. I have no interest in children or teens. The thought disgusts me. That said, I appreciate your response as it informs me of the impressions that I will face as a result of the relationship.
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u/C0mpL1c1t 7h ago
How would you feel about your daughter, in a decade, dating someone 25 years older than her? If it gives you the ick then you know what you gotta do.
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u/bruiser9876 7h ago
Just no. I married and subsequently divorced someone *only* 18 years older lol. Your friends will be in different phases of their lives and you will find that she won’t enjoy hanging with your friends who likely all have older kids and you likely will have nothing in common with her friends. Ask me how I know. And as you both get older, she will wish she was with a younger man.
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u/laissez_unfaire 7h ago
This is the most helpful comment. I wish all people would actually support their opinion with reasons and not just express their disgust.
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u/Rider_Die7 6h ago
I acknowledge the probability that she will develop a wandering eye as I age. However, I’ve had my heart broken before and I didn’t die. How many more years of my life should I spend worrying about what might happen in the future instead of enjoying the present?
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u/No-Following-2625 7h ago
Do you want to date her and have some short-term fun? Have at it.
But long-term, this is a bad idea - FOR HER.
Having been the younger woman in a long-term, age-gap relationship (I was 28, he was 48), I advise against them for multiple reasons. Especially the power dynamic, and the differences in life experience for both individuals. This does not work in favor of the younger person.
But one of the big ones is that as time passes, you will be old, and she will still be young. And it will impact your relationship and lifestyle considerably.
Sure, it does not seem too obvious now. But it will. And she is going to be resentful and feel like she wasted a lot of her younger years.
Just one person's opinion.
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u/ConscientiousBee 6h ago
48m - I recently chose not to date a 29f for all those reasons. It's a shame, we click, we light each other up. She's highly intelligent and beautiful but 19 years is a big gap. As you highlight, we're in very different phases of life and were it to turn into a long-term thing, I'll be pushing 60 in ten years time. The difficult but kindest thing to do is to back away and let her find someone closer to her own age.
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u/orlybatman 6h ago
Impressions are that I'm almost 10 years younger than you (43) and I wouldn't ever get involved with someone her age. My interactions with people this age make clear their lack of life experience and naivete. I would feel like there's no way we can be equal partners because she'd be nowhere near where I am in life in so many areas.
There are plenty of people on this sub who will tell you about their casual sexcapades with younger sexual partners (often with younger men) but when it comes to dating, the sub is opposed to large age gaps.
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u/Rider_Die7 3h ago
I understand that I can not be totally objective in this situation, but I find her to be very mature and intelligent. We are both well traveled, have significant relationship experience (obviously I have more), and I respect her opinion and judgement.
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u/THROWRA_wondering99 6h ago
I have turned down second dates with men after finding out (on the first date) that they dated women in their 20’s; I personally find it so gross, that I don’t want to date someone who does the Olympic gymnastics to justify it
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u/Rider_Die7 3h ago
I don’t feel that I need to justify anything. If we continue our relationship my desire is that she feel appreciated, respected, loved, supported, and safe.
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u/THROWRA_wondering99 42m ago
There is a 25 year age gap, you said you knew her ‘a few years’, from when, age 20? This is nearly grooming at this point. If I had to guess, you’re in a position of authority over her at work.
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u/GeekyRedPanda 7h ago
When you could technically be someone's parent it's not okay. I'm friends with a 27 yr old woman and there is so much life experience that is missing. Please don't embarrass your daughter, she's 13 and this age it is already difficult enough, she doesn't need to know her dad has lost the plot.
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u/rhinesanguine divorced woman 6h ago
Gross. She's "so mature" but I'm guessing you don't have any male friends that are 27-years-old?
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u/SomeCleverShark 7h ago
It's fun for a romantic holiday affair overseas, but otherwise the sex and feeling young again won't be worth the cost of embarrassing yourself and your family with someone you will eventually realize you have almost nothing in common with.
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u/Training_Guitar_8881 6h ago
That it's ridiculous and is likely more about sex than anything else if truth be told...not to mention strokes to your ego for dating a very much younger woman. At 62, she;ll be 37. At 72, she'll be 42.............and on and on. Will she change your poopy diapers when that time comes???
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u/PurringPickleWeasel 3h ago
You already told your family about a woman you've been seeing for a month? And you told them her age explicitly? Sounds like you see her as a novelty.
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u/Rider_Die7 2h ago
I told them because I respect honesty and transparency. If I thought of her as anything less than an equal partner then I couldn’t be comfortable with the situation and would not have pursued the relationship.
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u/choosetobetheproblem 2h ago
Every man over 20 years older than me who ever pursued me I now recognize as a gross old man who should have known better but pressed an issue because I was young and naive. Have fun being the old man a young woman eventually regrets and judges harshly
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u/FBlue192 7h ago
This is one of those situations (only a month in) where I wouldn't have shared this info with my family that soon. People will absolutely judge this relationship because you left yourself open to the judgment. BUT..you're both adults and can do what you want, so either move forward with other people in your ear or retreat if it's too much.
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u/SomeCleverShark 7h ago
"can do what you want" but not without consequences, of course.
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u/FBlue192 7h ago
Sure, but that's every choice that anyone makes. I still think the worse "crime" is telling family about what might just end up to be a fling. Like..why say anything?
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u/SomeCleverShark 6h ago
Yeah I'd definitely not mention any relationship to my 13-yo daughter until it was going strong, maybe six months in.
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u/Rider_Die7 4h ago
You’re probably right about sharing this information too early, but my mom and daughter came home unexpectedly and we were at the house. I am not comfortable with lying and am comfortable with being transparent. If I thought my intentions were inappropriate I wouldn’t have dated her in the first place.
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u/Littlelindsey 50m ago
Do you want more kids? It is highly likely she will want kids in the next few years. I’m not sure what you want from us but I’m certainly not going to validate a bloke in his 50s dating a woman in her 20’s. Your family are right.
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u/Few_Long7178 7h ago
Forget what others say. Because once your child grow up and fall in love, she definitely won't listen to what others have to say. Love is love. Continue being happy
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u/appmanga 5h ago
You're a grown man, and she's a grown woman, and it's nobody's fucking business who you date. If they don't like it, that's their choice, but they should keep their thoughts to themselves because you don't want to hear them.
I'm wondering if you're mature enough to date someone that old.
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u/Rider_Die7 4h ago
To be fair, I asked for their opinion. I’m aware of the optics and I will show this thread to my girlfriend tonight. It’s important to me that if we continue to pursue this then we both do so with open eyes and are prepared for the judgement of others. So far the most helpful replies have been the concern for her happiness as we age, my daughter’s feelings about the issue, and our mutual interests or lack thereof. Personally, if after 15 years she decides she wants to be with someone younger I will understand and be grateful for the time we spent together. If we decide to get serious I will have a discussion with my daughter who will hopefully see how we treat each other and understand. As for our interests, time will tell, but right now it feels like we enjoy spending time together very much and enjoy many of the same things.
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u/MySocialAlt "she sounds fun" 6h ago
You're adults, it's your business and no one else's, but they are allowed their opinions and I am not surprised at the negativity.