r/datingoverforty • u/Inevitable-Might4253 • 12h ago
Casual Conversation Attracting a younger crowd - a vent for processing.
NO ADVICE please! Just a venting post, looking for non-advice feedback or similar experiences or pointing out something obvious I'm not seeing.
(41F)
I've lately gotten wind to go out and socialize in the big city (NYC), and seems everywhere I go, I attract a younger man crowd, like 25-33.
For context, I look younger than my age, am petite-sized, and been told I'm "cute", repeatedly.
Yes, that's quite encouraging and ego-boosting. It also makes me realize I haven't really been going out in places people ACTUALLY socialize with strangers for the fun of it! 🤦
But the downside is that it feels challenging to keep saying no to everyone who looks too young, and with whom I can't possibly have a mature relationship with another "seasoned" human, which is what I'm looking for.
Anyone else encounter this conundrum?
Or is this just a simple case of guys of ANY age wanting a shot with a pretty lady and I need to be more selective where I go out??
I don't understand why a 25 year old would want anything to do with me.
UPDATE: Thank you all for your thoughtful comments!
Reading through these I'm seeing that I was likely choosing the wrong spots to meet relationship-ready, 40+ men. And I learned that some young men want older women for various reasons, which are not for me.
And perhaps I do look my age, and I'm perfectly content with that. Need to filter better.
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u/mean-mommy- mixtapes > Reels 11h ago
It's 100% a matter of younger dudes just trying to get any woman, I'm sorry. I know it feels good for the ego but I can tell you that even as a potato, I still get a suspicious amount of young guys shooting their shot. Just Google "hagmaxxing."
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u/Inevitable-Might4253 11h ago
Lol good to know! It seems flattering but honestly is just annoying. I just want my person😭😅
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u/fatsocalsd 11h ago
I look younger than my age, am petite-sized, and been told I'm "cute", repeatedly.
The tag line of this sub always comes through. Whoever came up with it is a genius.
I don't understand why a 25 year old would want anything to do with me.
Sex. They know you are older. They feel like you will provide an easier route to sex than women their own age. They figure that based on the age gap you can't possibly have expectations of anything more than a fuck buddy/casual. Also a lot of these dudes in their 20's have grown up on MILF porn. As you point out, you must still look hot.
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u/Inevitable-Might4253 11h ago
Thank you! Honestly I needed to hear other perspectives, as it wasn't computing in my limited brain. This is a helpful perspective to know of.
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u/PlatypusAmbitious430 12h ago
How on earth does this subreddit manage to attract so many people who don't look their age? Is there something that attracts such youthful looking people to this subreddit? Where are the people who do look their age hanging out?
People, let me know your secrets because none of the 40 year olds I see in real life look younger than their age.
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u/Caroline_Bintley 11h ago
How on earth does this subreddit manage to attract so many people who don't look their age?
As a stereotypical Redditor I have a little secret called "never going outside." 😎
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u/telechronn 6h ago
I'm also curious how it manages to attract women who don't understand that men of all ages like sex, and like sex with women (at least the ones who are sexually oriented that way). Basically everything men do is about sex.
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u/Lower_Group_1171 11h ago
im an asian man and I have no kids. a lot of non asian women my age look older than me. I don't even use lotion lol
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u/lzycmt mixtapes > Reels 11h ago
asian woman and same. not a line on my face and haven’t aged in ten years. one day i’ll wake up looking like an old man but until then 🤷🏻♀️
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u/Lower_Group_1171 11h ago
lmao, the caucasians are hating right now. I don't even need deodorant and they can't comprehend it
eta: I think I look my age. I just think the women im talking about look ten years older than their age.
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u/sjer3434 9h ago
Same here. woman, 46. I’m told I look 25-28. I still get ID for alcohol and I look even younger when I’m w my 17 and 15 yr old children. The curse of being Asian.
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u/m00nchild82 11h ago
Lol my 20 year old co-workers thought I was in my 20s. One of my newly befriended coworkers was turning 30 and she invited me to her b-day party...she thought I was younger than her 🤷🏼♀️ I do NOT think I look that young. I don't agree with these people because I know what I looked like in my 20s and I did not look this this. Haha.
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11h ago
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u/tres-vip be kind, rewind 11h ago edited 11h ago
We're rare, but out there. I pass for late 30s despite being substantially older.
Sunscreen, eating lots of fruit, time in the gym, and good genes I guess.
Yup. I'm 96 years old, but constantly get mistaken for 17. Olive oil, goji berries, speed walking, and genetics, I suppose!!!!
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u/AF_AF 11h ago
Olive oil and not lard? That's very progressive of you, gammie.
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u/tres-vip be kind, rewind 11h ago
Hey! Don't knock olive oil. It works for J Lo, and it works for me too! It works just as good as getting a facelift and Botox lol
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u/FormerFastCat 11h ago
Salty, party of one.
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u/tres-vip be kind, rewind 8h ago
Why did you do a dirty delete of your original comment? Too many downvotes, eh? Lol
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u/FormerFastCat 8h ago
Because it wasn't worth the argument with someone like you.
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u/tres-vip be kind, rewind 8h ago
Because it wasn't worth the argument with someone like you.
You got really triggered by our exchange about you allegedly looking so much younger than your actual age, didn't you? Lol
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u/Lala5789880 11h ago
Doubtful. The PP was most likely being sarcastic. Everyone on here thinks they look younger than their age. So it’s not likely that everyone on here statistically actually looks younger than their age
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u/ChkYrHead sex ed was scrambled Showtime and Cosmo columns 11h ago
Everyone on here thinks they look younger than their age.
To be fair, that's not really true. There's only like one post mentioning that, out of 20 or so.
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u/PlatypusAmbitious430 10h ago
That's because it's been called out so many times that people know better than to post it. It used to be on every other post at one point.
Those beliefs that people have haven't changed, they just know better than to post it.
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u/ChkYrHead sex ed was scrambled Showtime and Cosmo columns 10h ago
It used to be on every other post at one point.
No. It wasn't. 😂
That's just objectively untrue. Unless "at one point" means 10 years ago, before I started reading this sub daily.1
u/PlatypusAmbitious430 2h ago
Obviously, it was a slight exaggeration.
But it definitely comes up far more than the attractive % in the real world population would suggest.
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u/ChkYrHead sex ed was scrambled Showtime and Cosmo columns 11h ago
When I socialize in places where the crowd skews to a younger demographic, I tend to get interest from younger women.
When I socialize in places where the crowd skews to an older demographic, I tend to get interest from older women.
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u/Smart-Mall4110 11h ago edited 11h ago
Um, you look your age...signed a 41 year old man who looks 41. I have attracted younger and older women; I am still 41.
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u/VinylHighway 11h ago
You don’t want advice but want people to weigh in?
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u/Inevitable-Might4253 11h ago
Yes. Advice like where to go. But feedback of what perspective I'm missing.
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u/ShawnM_45 12h ago
I think you know why. If you are looking for a night of fun then fine. If you really want a real relationship maybe find some where to hang out with an older crowd.
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u/dieseldeeznutz 11h ago
How do you know they're younger? Maybe they just look younger, like you, and you're unfairly discriminating against them
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u/Inevitable-Might4253 11h ago
That's a good question. They have baby faces and sometimes I ask. SOMETIMES.
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u/GeekyRedPanda 11h ago
You need to be more selective where you go. If you're choosing places that cater towards 25-35 age groups that's what you will find. I don't think guys care what your age is if they are trying to get laid. They probably think you might be easier (no offense, it's a thing) with less strings attached being older.
This used to happen to me too because I do have friends who are late 20s/30s who I hang out with occasionally. I always feel awkward because it's so obvious we are in different stages of life.
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u/Inevitable-Might4253 10h ago
Thank you for sharing! And no offense taken, that actually makes sense.
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u/GeekyRedPanda 10h ago
Yeah it was weird to me too when I first encountered it, but my friends told me it's called something sorry I forgot the terminology it's quite crude and immature. I think all you can do is ignore those guys and try to find events with people in your age range. It's definitely harder though because 40+ people are less social I've found.
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u/m00nchild82 11h ago
I am almost 44 and I don't get hit on much these days but when I do it's from youngins who I couldn't even get in my 20s 😆 it is a difficult experience to be fetish-ized.
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u/emu_neck 11h ago
This is extremely common. I am older than you, most likely look my age, and too tall for a woman. The majority of men who are openly interested in me are considerably younger. A 25y old guy is going to put way more effort into pursuing someone he sees as a worthwhile sexual experience than a 45y old man would. Much higher ROI for the younger guy, even if he gets rejected.
It doesn't mean that men in their 40ies are not interested in you. They are just not super obvious about it. If you like someone, be the one to approach them.
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u/HitEmStraight2998 10h ago
This remains one of humanity’s greatest mysteries. Our best scientists are working tirelessly on it but we still don’t have an answer…
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u/lzycmt mixtapes > Reels 11h ago
two things:
even if you “looked your age”, young dudes would be shooting their shot. they know it’s a numbers game and cast a wide net. it’s far from proof that you look like a peer.
you need to hang out at different places. I don’t even go to parts of town that are for the young partiers anymore because I won’t meet someone in my age group there. why are you hanging out where there are so many young people and no older ones?
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u/Inevitable-Might4253 11h ago
Thank you! This is exactly the kind of feedback I was looking for. I just started going where I used to go out...in my 20s...🤦
Ok, I know how that sounds, duh 😂.
And maybe you're right, maybe I do look closer to my age, how can they NOT see those crows feet!?
I need to find out where the over 40s crowd hangs out ...🤔
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u/lzycmt mixtapes > Reels 10h ago
for me it was like… “classier” bars? like wine bars in more adult parts of town, no crowded bars packed with young people. here in denver I don’t go out downtown to go out, I go to like where the houses are more expensive and the clientele at the restaurants def 35+
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u/Miss_ChanandelerBong 3h ago
I hear grocery stores on Sunday mornings so they can do their meal prep for the week
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u/Efficient_Ice_8008 11h ago
Young men pursue us for sex because we do look our age and they assume we're desperate because they can't imagine most men want to have sex with us.
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u/The_Dutchess-D 11h ago edited 11h ago
Hi... allow me to introduce you to the Long Island paradox.
The cost of living is so high in Long Island that most of the children of the middle and upper classes do a smart and financially conservative plan where they live at home with their parents on Long Island until they one day marry, while taking the train into the city for their jobs.
These responsible young professionals are allegedly, saving the money they would be spending on rent in savings account until one day they meet another eligible golden child of Long Island to marry. At that point, the two families combine the money that both kids have saved, with a little top off from mom and dad's as a wedding gift, and purchase a home of their own in Long Island to start their family in after marriage.
However, this has a very interesting effect on hookup culture pre-marriage.... and that is that none of the people in their 20's and young 30's has a place to go back to for a hook-up on a night out at the bars. This creates a paradox for the 20's/30's men of that geographic region known as "The Long Island MILF/ DILF paradox phenomenon. ".
In order for these young people to hook up at the bars, they need to find someone older who does have their own place to go back to. The guys look for cute MILFs who will have a nice bed with quality sheets and clean duvet covers, with a good supply of assorted snacks in the fridge. A place where they can stay overnight, and leave in the morning, without ever having to contemplate asking a woman to climb out the bedroom window of their parents home at dawn.
(I am told that if things are going well and it becomes a regular Situationship, they are not above doing it in your car on the off weekend when your kids might be with you and the house is unavailable, but ideally, most of the time your house is available😂)
I learned all about this from my coworker Jeremy (who worked in my office in the city, but lived at home in Long Island with his parents) in the 5 years after the Great Recession of '08. As the years went on, I met lots of his friends (guys who also were from Long Island) and they were able to confirm this is in fact A THING. It also applies in some cases to young professionals who live in the city, but are doing the type of thing where they have a large studio apartment with fake walls or sheets up in between the beds to make it a "flex 3-bedroom." they don't have the privacy to bring a girl back there and do all the things they would want to do, so finding a meeting partner who is more likely to have their own place is key. But the phenomenon definitely applies more so to folks from Long Island.
If you want to observe this in the wild up close, and test the theory... go out in Massapequa or Long Beach or similar on a Saturday night in the Summer. But it applies to New York City too. Things get a bit more aggressive right before the last trains on the LIRR.
It is quite possible you stumbled into a bar with a crowd associated with the Long Island MILF Paradox. It is also possible that kids from families who live in the city are out of college now for the summer, and might be living at home after graduation or for grad school, and they also need to meet someone with their own place to go back to. But generally Long Island is the mainstay of this.
I hope this helps!
To avoid this, you'll need to strategically choose your target places of recreation to screen for a more age-appropriate crowd. Price / type of band / whether something needs tickets or a reservation to go there / etc are all ways to narrow things down a bit more.
(also, if you are a teacher, who has the Summers off by chance, I've been told this is the LI MILF jackpot! Ha ha ha because you don't have to get up early in the morning to leave for work so they can sleep in a little if need be, and you're around if they have a summer Friday off or a day where they play Hookey from work, or are too hung over to catch the earliest train).
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u/Inevitable-Might4253 10h ago
🤣 well THAT lil tidbit of information I was not expecting. Thank you! And a great read as well! I really DO need to be selective it seems.
And my fridge IS stocked with all sorts of goodies. And my sheets are the softest. It is true.
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12h ago edited 11h ago
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u/Able-Skill-2679 11h ago
The fantasy of an older woman so desperate for sex that she will not ask anything of him. Nor will she pressure him for marriage and she’s too old to get pregnant. It’s the lazy man’s fantasy.
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11h ago edited 10h ago
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u/Able-Skill-2679 11h ago
That’s why I find it so absurd! I am 43f…I have zero interest in anyone who isn’t late thirties.
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u/Inevitable-Might4253 11h ago
That makes sense, I'm just not used to this.
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11h ago
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u/Inevitable-Might4253 11h ago
Lol really?! These young people! So good to hear I'm not alone on this🙏
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u/orlybatman 10h ago
Anyone else encounter this conundrum?
I've been approached by much younger women who didn't realize I'm as old as I am. The funniest time was when a 26 year old sat next to me at a restaurant and started probing me like are you dating anyone? Did you move here with anyone? Do you live with anyone? You look like you've really got things together! Then started telling me about how she's single and would never get together with a much older guy again after she came to realize her 41 year old ex was never going to marry her. That he was just using her. Then she asks my age and it's like, haha funny you said ask! I was 42 at that time. She leaned back and let her head flop back as she let out this long exhale, lol.
I would never date anyone so young, they come across barely more than teenagers to me. I'd feel like such a creep.
Reading through these I'm seeing that I was likely choosing the wrong spots to meet relationship-ready, 40+ men.
If you enjoy hiking/jogging you might find success meeting men in our age group through groups dedicated to those two. As a guy myself it doesn't seem like men in their early 40s go out a whole lot, with the ones who are out seeming to either be married dads getting a break with a night out, or weird/awkward single guys.
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u/No_Aioli_7515 11h ago
When I think about this I just picture how it’s likely to play out over time and I just lose interest. I’ve had a lot of good sex in my life and I don’t really need someone purely for sex right now, and I don’t like the idea of being the older and more experienced one. I don’t know it just doesn’t feel sexy to me. And it’s not very validating to have a younger guy want to have sex with me just for the experience and then move on.
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u/AutoModerator 12h ago
Original copy of post by u/Inevitable-Might4253:
NO ADVICE please! Just a venting post, looking for non-advice feedback or similar experiences or pointing out something obvious I'm not seeing.
(41F)
I've lately gotten wind to go out and socialize in the big city (NYC), and seems everywhere I go, I attract a younger man crowd, like 25-33.
For context, I look younger than my age, am petite-sized, and been told I'm "cute", repeatedly.
Yes, that's quite encouraging and ego-boosting. It also makes me realize I haven't really been going out in places people ACTUALLY socialize with strangers for the fun of it! 🤦
But the downside is that it feels challenging to keep saying no to everyone who looks too young, and with whom I can't possibly have a mature relationship with another "seasoned" human, which is what I'm looking for.
Anyone else encounter this conundrum?
Or is this just a simple case of guys of ANY age wanting a shot with a pretty lady and I need to be more selective where I go out??
I don't understand why a 25 year old would want anything to do with me.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
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u/Mysterious_Elk_8972 8h ago
This happens to me somewhat frequently, by guys that know me and know how much older I am than them, 15- 25 yrs, and they don't just want sex, they want a relationship.
I'll say to them, "wtf, you are young and hot, find someone age appropriate" and they'll try to argue with me that I shouldn't care about the age difference. I tell them it's never happening and a few times have offered to introduce them to younger ppl I know.
Some men are just looking for the "cougar" experience and some truly don't care about the age difference and don't see anything wrong with dating women older than their parents. It's not for me but Idc what other ppl do.
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u/ssarah3 6h ago
I say keep an open mind. 42f typically date my age or older 8-9 years in NYC too. After being hit on in real life by young 30s that wants marriage kids etc i decided to lower my age standard. Am now dating a 32 yo who very much wants kids and to settle down. He is very good looking, driven and smart and has been the best communicator I've encountered in my dating history. So you never know!
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u/Mediocre_Resist9663 divorced man 12h ago
I was at a baseball game with an old Army buddy who I had not seen in over 15 years Memorial Day weekend. As the game was finished and the fireworks show was about to start I was approached by a woman who was 30 years old and I’m 48. My oldest daughter is almost 25 in a few months.
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u/ChkYrHead sex ed was scrambled Showtime and Cosmo columns 11h ago
Wait! I got one better. I was at a restaurant and the server was flirting with me. She looked very young, so I made sure to ask her age.
"You're older than 30, at least, right??"
sheepishly "No..."
"Uh...27???"
"Nooooo...."
"OK, why don't you tell me how old you are"
"18"
"WTF!!!!????"Like everyone here, I don't necessarily look my age, but I have no idea how she didn't realize I was much too old for her. I told her my son would be too old for her and I'm 20 years older than that!! 😂
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u/Mediocre_Resist9663 divorced man 11h ago
I look my age and refuse to claim i look younger 😂
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u/ChkYrHead sex ed was scrambled Showtime and Cosmo columns 11h ago
Oh, I don't either. I was just joking about how everyone who posts seems to not look their age.
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u/Inevitable-Might4253 11h ago
😅
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u/Mediocre_Resist9663 divorced man 11h ago
She wanted me(us) to watch the fireworks with her and I’m assuming was a male friend. Weird situation all around, maybe I just look stupid and gullible 🤷🏻♂️?
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u/frankheyhoheyho 11h ago
I also look young for my age and get hit on by men in their mid to late 20s all the time. I did eventually go on to date one after feeling conflicted for a while, and that ended up being one of the best relationships I ever had. I’m glad I gave him a chance. He’s a great person and I loved the way he showed up for me.
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u/FriendlyCapybara1234 middle aged, like the black plague 9h ago edited 9h ago
Ha, I wish I had this problem.
ETA: It sucks to know that I’m competing with men twenty years younger than me for women my age though.
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u/neuralh4tch 9h ago
Are these dating apps? Everyone swipes on everyone, I wouldn't over think it. Sex?
It doesn't necessary mean they may want to be in a relationship long term when the practicality starts kicking in.. for instance if they wanted kids or bringing you home to meet their family or friends.
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u/tres-vip be kind, rewind 12h ago
Sex...?????