r/datingoverforty • u/lilsteph80 • 19h ago
Seeking Advice Am I expecting too much
So I (45F) started seeing my boyfriend (53M) about two months ago. He is a single father of two kids, 14 and 12. Mom is not in the picture. He also lives an hour away from me. We see each other on Saturdays for a few hours. We went on our first overnight for a day and a half the week before last. It was wonderful. I didn’t see him at all this past week or weekend, he says it’s crunch time with school. Plus, I had to leave Sunday morning for a business trip for a few days. Here’s my problem. His kids rule his life. He does not say no to them for anything, I’m sure that there is guilt or whatever with that. And I know dating men with children, I will always be number two to them. I understand that. But I don’t think it’s too much to ask that you can call me or FaceTime me or even make firm plans for dinner and follow through and not have that disturbed by a last-minute thing for your child. This isn’t the exception, it’s the rule. Even if we have firm plans, if one of his kids decides they want to go to the mall instead, that’s what he does. So tonight, when I got back to my hotel room, we were going to FaceTime for a little fun. Guess what, of course he couldn’t do that cause his kids were still awake and wanting food and stuff at 11 PM on a school night. So I stayed up like an idiot waiting for him to call. He never did. I texted him that I don’t feel good about myself, I feel like I’m desperate for his attention and I don’t like that. It’s now four in the morning and I’ve been awake since three with anxiety because of this. I want this to work. I’m falling in love with this man, but I just don’t see this sustainable for me.
EDITED TO ADD: I asked him when I would see him next, which I hate to do because I feel like I’m nagging and we were shooting for Wednesday because I was going to be able to leave work early and it would be like a lunch date. And he said maybe. And I said if we can’t do that when do we have? And he said hopefully this weekend. I said I can’t go three weeks without seeing you, not when we only live an hour apart. I don’t think it’s unreasonable. And I’m not saying that I need to meet the children, I defer to him on that. But they do need to know I exist, there’s no reason why they can’t know that their dad is dating somebody. All of this lying and secretive stuff to them, this isn’t going to break them. They aren’t little kids. I just don’t feel like I fit in his life. I’m so desperate trying to make that happen.
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u/Leading-Bad-3281 18h ago
Your expectations in general don’t seem unreasonable but they might not be feasible for him. It sounds like you two have incompatible lives. Finding out these incompatibilities is one of the primary goals of early dating. You’ve done well on that front. It’s only been two months. I would just cut things off now.
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u/mangoserpent 17h ago
From this person? Yes. In general, no.
What you are getting from this man in terms of time is what you are going to get.
I would not invest more time in him.
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u/spentpatience why is my music on the oldies channels? 18h ago
My boyfriend of three months and I are just an hour apart, he has full custody of his one preteen, I have 50/50 of my three, and we have to plan when to meet up or call on the phone, too. We do manage to see each other in person once a week on average, sometimes multiple times with at least one sleepover every other week.
He told me once that he'd be seeing someone and wouldn't choose to see her when he could because he wanted to take time for himself instead and do a hobby or just veg out. These were lovely women, he said, but he just wasn't feeling it. So, he would ultimately end it to stop wasting her time.
This gave me valuable insight in case we don't work out. If a guy isn't protecting the few times your schedules do align when you can meet, then he just isn't into the relationship for whatever reason. This guy isn't prioritizing you or building something with you for whatever reason, so perhaps it is time cut bait and find someone who will.
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u/Proof-Implement7322 15h ago edited 14h ago
> if a guy isn’t protecting the few times your schedules do align when you can meet, then he just isn’t into the relationship for whatever reason
This feels directionally accurate about what is happening.
When an important relationship is on the line, we all magically make time and clearly communicate constraints. When this doesn’t happen regularly, we must question the relationship’s viability.
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u/Single_Athlete_4056 12h ago
This. The more someone’s time is precious the more obvious it is when they want to carve out time for you. If they are not that interested it will also come through
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u/lilsteph80 16h ago
I haven’t even been to his house yet because the kids don’t know I’m a person who exists. He hasn’t slept over mine. When I was his kids age, I was babysitting. Not being the baby sat.
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u/spentpatience why is my music on the oldies channels? 15h ago
I've been to my fella's house but only on nights his kid isn't there, and same in reverse. It will be about a year total probably before we meet each other's lot.
Two months is kinda soon for the kids to know what's up. They may know he's actively dating or not, but they likely would not know specifics about any given person. That's pretty par for the course with parents. My eldest found out because she is nosy and she snooped on my phone. His kid might have an inkling but she has not said anything beyond remarking that a certain someone (ahem, me) was texting too much just to be saying, "Hi."
12 and 14 are typically old enough to be left alone, barring any extenuating circumstances. That said, your guy doesn't seem to have boundaries with his kids. It is perfectly healthy for an adult to model practicing privacy and keeping a calendar/schedule. Spontaneous outings or expenses are ok occasionally but to the detriment of other commitments, promises, and relationships? Hm.
Anyway, if you feel like you're doing all of the chasing, then ultimately, that's not fair to yourself.
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u/Peculiarcatlady 11h ago
I don't think that is unusual in this case. If mom isn't around, he has them 100% of the time. I would not have someone over any earlier than 6-8 months if there was a chance my kids might meet them. Ideally 9-12 months.
I do not think you and this man are compatible and you should cut your losses.
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u/DutchElmWife 5h ago
Standard mainstream advice, and I've read it often in articles by therapists, is to wait 6 to 9 months to tell your kids you have a girlfriend/boyfriend, and 9 to 12 months before introducing them.
Many custody agreements have a 12-months clause for each parent before introducing a romantic partner.
Obviously this varies, but I think it's the most common advice out there.
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u/Slight-Owl-6572 19h ago
He’s showing you where his priorities are. It seems as though you’re honest about your expectations, and he’s just not able to meet those. Nothing wrong with that.
Sounds like it could be right guy wrong time.
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u/trying2getbutter 18h ago
That is too soon for his kids to know. That is a tough age to now accept someone new that replaces mom in their lives. When you date someone with kids, you kind of date them too. Not in a creepy way.
I struggled with my role when I dated someone with 11 and 12 YO. When to speak up, how do I fit in, etc. That definitely factored into our breakup.
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u/smartygirl 14h ago
It's too soon for OP to meet kids, and too soon for kids to know about OP specifically, but when a parent starts dating again, they should definitely let their kids know in a gentle, age-appropriate way. Getting used to "my parent is going on dates" is the very first baby step that comes long before "my parent has a boyfriend/girlfriend" and eventually "my parent wants me to meet their partner" after the relationship has been stable for 6 months or more
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u/red_army25 11h ago
And honestly in this case, it doesn't even need to be that way. This man sounds like he has NO boundaries when it comes to the kids. It's not just bad for his relationship with OP, but it's bad for his relationship with his kids. AND himself.
Things change after a divorce (or breakup for whatever reason). And I understand the need to lean into overcompensating. But life has to adjust, that's just the nature of the beast. This man is a single dad with full custody apparently, he needs to start laying down some ground rules that he's not available to respond to their every whim 24/7. Its not healthy for anyone involved.
OP, you're in a tough spot. But if he can't start invoking some boundaries, you may just have to let this one go. He's not ready to date.
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u/LopsidedTelephone574 17h ago
His lack of boundaries and parenting style will be a huge red flag to me. An hour away distance and non availability in the picture too. Why would you do that? Find someone else who will be available to date in a healthy manner and will be aligned.
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u/the-BBC-news 15h ago
Walk away now before you get really hurt.
Some people think they want to date but they have no idea how to make room for a partner in their life (or are unwilling to make room.)
This man is not good partner potential and he is not showing any signs of changing. He’s an hour away, full custody, no boundaries with his kids, and making little effort to see you in person regularly. You said it yourself - you’ve been dating 2 months (8 weeks?) and you haven’t seen him in 3 weeks. That’s neither a boyfriend or a relationship.
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u/Foots_Walker_808 15h ago
Ask yourself: Is he spending more or less time with me after we had the overnighter?
To me, he sounds like a busy man with children who spent enough time with you for the sex he desired, but he's now using said children to get out of future obligations with you. It sounds like he has pulled back already and you are noticing.
Yes, the last few weeks of school are brutal, but he should be able to at least keep his word to you. Just be honest with yourself about the timing of his pullback. You already have enough info to move on.
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u/waffiwaffi 10h ago
Completely agree with this. This is less about the kids and likely his way of doing a slow fade. If he can’t find time in three weeks to see you it’s likely he’s not all that interested- kids or no kids.
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u/Independent_Lemon3 16h ago
I have full custody of a 7 year old and I would find his behavior to be unacceptable. This isn't going to get better, I would move on to someone else.
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u/Aefyns divorced man 19h ago
After years of staring at the ceiling at 2am trying to get my ex to understand how I felt I swore to never do it again. Hopefully you can talk to him. I agree it doesn't sound like you are asking him to put you before his kids. Just expecting reasonable boundaries so you can enjoy time together. He's cancelling not because he needs to go to the ER but because they need to go to the mall.
He may be great but I've met great women dating since my divorce. Some of them just aren't great for me and my boundaries or baggage.
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u/Historical_Mood1377 13h ago
I think you should slow down. I understand you like this guy and are falling in love but you have to allow the same feelings to develop from his side too. Otherwise, you will just end up feeling used and frustrated. Raising teenagers and preteens is hard work and that too two 2 of them. Dont reach out for a few days and see if he is taking initiative. Things will get clear. You are not playing games or being mean here.. this is something you need to do so you are not up at 4 in the morning. Good luck sister.
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u/lilsteph80 12h ago
Thank you. Honestly this is very helpful, and you hit the nail on the head. I feel very frustrated and not good enough.
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u/Historical_Mood1377 12h ago
You are enough and if he wants to talk to you only when it is convenient for him then, that attitude is not good enough for you. Do not stay where there is no respect, without respect there cannot be love.
Sometimes communication is not just via messages and calls. Not getting messages and calls is also a form of communication.
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u/Single_Athlete_4056 12h ago
I was in a similar situation.
I just asked her the question. That I need momentum and closeness to build something. If she was on the same page. She answered she was not in the right headspace and admitted not giving us the attention it deserves. I interpreted that as, she is just not that into me and stopped waiting, hoping, wanting…
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u/Shot_Pin_3891 18h ago
Oh my goodness I felt all of this and I appreciate you are spinning out and upset right now so this might not be your true rational self posting OP. The main thing I would say is that a guy you see once a week for a few hours for two months isn’t really a boyfriend yet. I respect that’s how you feel about eachother and that’s great but it is very very early days.
My experience of being a mum and dating a part time dad has been very similar between kids and work and it’s really now after 6 months that we are making better progress with days out, trips away etc. it took about 4 months to reach that point and we’d dated before and known eachother over a year.
This life get term knowledge of the person helped me chill out and trust that it would work out.
I’m not saying it will take you this long but you would benefit from stepping back a little, focussing on Yourself and letting this come to you rather than chasing. I’ve been there, it’s hard and I ended it with the last guy for similar reasons.
Note to self though. He doesn’t have to tell his kids after two months and it will take many months for him to start integrating you and letting go of them.
Also love isn’t a feeling. You have lots of feelings right now. It’s intense but love is the long game of choosing eachother every day for years on end. Excitement, passion, obsession, these are just buzzy emotions passing through
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u/lilsteph80 16h ago
Thank you. I do feel very spinny. I honestly don’t know how to move past all of this. This was just the straw for me I think. If you can’t even make time for a FaceTime…why are you even talking about planning a vacation.
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u/Proof-Implement7322 15h ago edited 15h ago
Folks encouraging you to date non parents miss that this isn’t something scoped to parents.
I had a childless ex who lived closer than your guy and I found myself constantly negotiating with him when we’d see each other, how long and how we’d keep things going when not away. I consistently cared about the problems and drove those conversations. The problem I failed to realize was it wasn’t all on me to solve, he didn’t see it as a problem the way I did, it took some more obviously disrespectful behaviors for me to recognize he just couldn’t or didn’t want what I wanted.
I see some sad parallels here :/
Caveat: ^ played out over 5 months. It sounds like your breaking point was this last weekend where you got bumped without a clear plan to reschedule? Has he bumped you previously? You mentioned lying going on - what has he been lying about?
That said, assuming his behavior is a pattern vs a one off, I have some additional thoughts:
- it’s not expecting too much that you want consistency and predictability around seeing your boyfriend
- his kids will take precedence but the good men will proactively communicate what you can expect with you vs leaving you to reconstruct what the issue is
- you are operating in a highly anxious mode and right now need to focus on lowering your stress levels before you do anything else. Blow some steam off at the gym, immersed in work, SOMETHING so that you’re not having sleepless nights waiting for a call from him. You also cannot think clearly when you’re in this reactive state
- you’re focusing on the wrong issue wrt meeting his kids. 2 months is an atypical expectation and you’re taking away the focus from the more acute relationship problem. I suspect you’re expecting the meet n greet to solve the problem of seeing him but I can almost guarantee you it’s false hope to think that. You’ll go mad wondering where you fit in his life and the answer isn’t to force yourself in. Sometimes it is to remove yourself (re engaged with your life, meet up with your friends, date yourself, etc). You’ve expressed your wishes and now the ball is in his court to show up for you and the relationship like you have been.
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u/MyWay-1201 19h ago
This is why i won’t date anyone who has children anymore unless the children are at least 18. Without the mom in the picture, he’s going to be very busy in their lives. And honestly 2 months isn’t a long time for his children to know about you. 12 and 14 are not that old….its actually an awkward age to find out about their dad dating. Has he dated prior to you? If so, did they know about her?
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u/lilsteph80 16h ago
I’m the first person he has dated in 7 years. It’s been him as mom and dad since then. Mom is alive but not in the picture at all. So it’s been him and his kids against the world. As much as he tells me I fit in or will fit in his life, I don’t feel it.
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u/ChkYrHead sex ed was scrambled Showtime and Cosmo columns 15h ago
FYI, there are plenty of parents that will not let their kids rule their life and will set boundaries. In fact, I've found that most parents won't do that. So I don't see any reason you need to stop dating parents. You just need to make sure they parent in a way that's conducive to dating.
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u/HansGigolo 16h ago
At 14 and 12 those kids can take care of themselves. No reason he shouldn’t be able to see you during the week or weekend. They aren’t toddlers.
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u/myraleemyrtlewood 14h ago
Id cut this one loose.
Its not just that his kids are a priority, its that you are NOT a priority at all.
You can't even spend more than a few hours with the guy on a weekend.... what are you ever going to get from this? hand holding in the car until his kids needs a ride?
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u/fosarereal 12h ago
You've only been dating him for 8 weeks. He's single parenting two teens on his own. You cannot possibly expect to be prioritized right now. I think you could give him some space and he will see you as he is able.
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u/Secret_Preparation99 19h ago edited 18h ago
While you may think he is giving into the whims of his kids, they are his first priority. You aren’t wrong for wanting what you want. He simply may not be able to give you that. Sounds like you aren’t compatible at this point .
Edit: he’s not changing
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u/PaleozoicQueen 19h ago
Well, I think he could be trying harder to meet you halfway but then OP, what do you expect from a single parent? If they are a good parent who cares, their children will rule their lives like this.
This is why I don't date parents as a childfree by choice woman.
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u/Meatcute99 16h ago
There's a difference between dating a good parent and a parent of spoiled kids. Cancelling dates because your child is sick or in trouble? Completely fair. Cancelling because your child wants to go to the mall, or because you have let them walk all over you and they don't have bedtimes so they stay up past 11? Absolutely not.
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u/lilsteph80 16h ago
Thank you. And I would a million percent understand if his kids were sick or something. But I think they are babied and/or not used to hearing no. I don’t think he says it.
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u/Meatcute99 10h ago
Yeah this is unlikely to get better. I'd cut and run because I no longer entertain people who don't hold healthy boundaries.
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u/Snoobeedo why is my music on the oldies channels? 10h ago edited 10h ago
The fact that you have such strong opinions on his parenting already, please walk away. It’s a no win situation for everyone involved, kids included.
ETA - you can downvote me all you want, but no child is going to be excited about a new woman who thinks their dad needs to set stronger boundaries with them. If that’s the role you want to play, have fun with it, but I’m sure plenty of people who have even step parents or close with a partners kids can share how that will turn out.
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u/stevieliveslife work in progress 9h ago
Because its better to never say no to them? Righto. Very well-balanced adults they will turn out to be /s
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u/Snoobeedo why is my music on the oldies channels? 9h ago
My point is that it’s a no win situation for a new girlfriend to be the one to try to instill that.
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u/stevieliveslife work in progress 18h ago
I don't think it's normal to never say no to a child. If a child wants to go the mall, the parents doesn't always have to say yes. Especially if it's not for an essential item they need.
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u/Single_Athlete_4056 12h ago
It shouldn’t be black or white. My children are important but they don’t rule my life. It’s about finding a balance
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u/ChkYrHead sex ed was scrambled Showtime and Cosmo columns 15h ago
The woman I'm dating is full time for now (ex is on deployment). When she and I make plans, she doesn't cancel them cause her kids want to do something. She explains that she already has plans with someone, and that when someone makes plans, they should honor their commitment.
The parent should be the one "ruling", and I don't expect them to do whatever their kids want all the time.
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u/SsshLetMeSpeak 16h ago edited 16h ago
You’re doing the right thing of communicating your needs and knowing what you want. Your expectations to rush him into knowing you exist might be a mismatch. I don’t pressure my bf into meeting his kids, we are not rushing into that chapter yet.
IMO, Initiating dates should be both and not solely relying on the man to do all the work. I sometimes initiate date and happy to plan. If your bf has been consistent with actions over words, he is still trying to meet your needs
I’m dating a co-parent dad of 2 kids, I value actions more than words and he’s been consistent initiating dates, texting, calls etc. We’re both co-parents (50-50 arrangement) so I wholeheartedly understands his focus will be on kids, but he will still try make an effort for a short call with me after putting kids to bed, which I loved about him.
For single dads with full custody, they have so much more on their plate, patience isn’t enough to sustain this relationship without aligned relationship goals, values and emotional maturity.
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u/Convenient-Enemy-511 12h ago
"Too much" is always going to be relative to the person. And we can't answer that. He has already answered this, with his actions. You're ignoring him.
If you were asking this about if you're potentially asking for the moon and the stars, i.e. being unreasonable in what you're wanting; I'll answer that I feel you're reasonable.
I am an empty nester engaged to a single parent. She's got her kid 85% of the time. When we have firm plans, short of kid really needing us, they stay firm plans. We've literally gone on dates when her kid was sick at home. (Just a slight cold, if they were vomiting and/or running a fever that needed to be monitored we'd stay in.) Certainly I'm not getting stood up because Kid is "bored" or wants a ride somewhere.
As well, I'm big on not dating a bad parent. I won't say that the very occasional occurrence of a busy night at home at 11pm on a school night doesn't mean that they're a bad parent. But, if this is a regular non-scheduled thing, yeah quite likely they're not a good parent. Stability, is good for kids.
As per your edit; when I was dating, I was dating for a partner. As a part of that, I decided on a "standard" of only dating people who were invested in the dating process / finding a partner, and interested in me. As such, I would never beg someone for a date. From our first date until I later moved in with her, we were always looking to know the time that our next date would be before we ended the current date we were on. Sometimes we'd find more time and see each other sooner. And sure, we didn't always know "what/where" the next thing would be. But we always had a "when" aligned. And it was the exception that the "when" would need changing.
Healthy adult have boundaries. Healthy adults will have standards they want to keep to in their life.
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u/SuccessfulWhereas303 11h ago
I could have written this a year ago. He was so lovely but not ready to juggle kids and a relationship. We had to separate. I still think about him a lot and haven’t met anyone else like him since. I realise now that it was the right decision but it still makes me sad
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u/Snoobeedo why is my music on the oldies channels? 10h ago
Two months isn’t a long time so I understand why he isn’t having that chat with his kids yet. I don’t think you two are a match though. He’s showing you his availability and that doesn’t work for you. It’s best to move on.
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u/lilsteph80 10h ago
He keeps telling me it will all ease up next week when school is over. I don’t see how. When there’s no routine or boundaries, it’s going to be even worse than it is now.
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u/Snoobeedo why is my music on the oldies channels? 10h ago
You don’t need to wait for things to get worse to end things.
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u/Minnietron88 7h ago
As someone who has kids, I even wouldn't like this either. I can still prioritize my kids but make my person who I'm dating feel seen.
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u/FamousOrphan 5h ago
Can you ask him to set a standing date night with you, and a standing video call night or whatever you like?
It’s perfectly normal for you to tell him you expect him to prioritize time with you unless one of the kids is legitimately sick or in danger. He’s able to do it: he does it for work, presumably. If he won’t do it, it’s because he doesn’t want to, and you should find out now.
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u/lilsteph80 2h ago
I asked for one dedicated date time weekly, absent an emergency. It hasn’t come to fruition.
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u/ColeLaw 4h ago edited 4h ago
You don't need to chase him, just set your boundaries around what works for you. Something like "I really like you and I want this to work but in order for this to happen I need consistently around communication and time together. Your kids are a priority but I also need to be a priority in a man's life to feel fulfillment. If you can't do this I totally understand, but if we can't find a balance I am going to have to step away".
No drama, no begging, no tears, just straight to the point about what you need. If he can't meet you, you have to accept that and move forward. If he's willing to work with you great! However, you HAVE to hold your boundaries or you will end up a doormat with no respect. People can't love someone they don't respect so set the boundaries, girl!
I will also add, the anxiety you feel is likely because you are holding back having this hard conversation. It's sort of self abandonment and this makes us feel sick and unsafe in our body. Having the hard conversation tells your body "I got you, I can handle this and we are safe". When you stand up for what you need, you will be surprised how calm you feel afterwards.
Good luck! I hope everything works out for you!
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u/Qstrfnck 16h ago
I would walk away now and also start dating guys with no kids if you don’t have any as this will keep coming up and men with children are a package deal
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u/Few_Long7178 10h ago
Please leave him alone. It's enough crime cases with these horrible steparents treating the kids bad. Just walk away and leave. Some of us would understand and even offer to tag along when he choose kid stuff instead. You are not it. Find someone with no kids
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u/AutoModerator 19h ago
Original copy of post by u/lilsteph80:
So I (45F) started seeing my boyfriend (53M) about two months ago. He is a single father of two kids, 14 and 12. Mom is not in the picture. He also lives an hour away from me. We see each other on Saturdays for a few hours. We went on our first overnight for a day and a half the week before last. It was wonderful. I didn’t see him at all this past week or weekend, he says it’s crunch time with school. Plus, I had to leave Sunday morning for a business trip for a few days. Here’s my problem. His kids rule his life. He does not say no to them for anything, I’m sure that there is guilt or whatever with that. And I know dating men with children, I will always be number two to them. I understand that. But I don’t think it’s too much to ask that you can call me or FaceTime me or even make firm plans for dinner and follow through and not have that disturbed by a last-minute thing for your child. This isn’t the exception, it’s the rule. Even if we have firm plans, if one of his kids decides they want to go to the mall instead, that’s what he does. So tonight, when I got back to my hotel room, we were going to FaceTime for a little fun. Guess what, of course he couldn’t do that cause his kids were still awake and wanting food and stuff at 11 PM on a school night. So I stayed up like an idiot waiting for him to call. He never did. I texted him that I don’t feel good about myself, I feel like I’m desperate for his attention and I don’t like that. It’s now four in the morning and I’ve been awake since three with anxiety because of this. I want this to work. I’m falling in love with this man, but I just don’t see this sustainable for me.
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u/Inevitable-Might4253 10h ago
Your requests are quite reasonable!! The way he's behaving isn't a setup for ANY sustainable romantic relationship. I, 41F, also have 2 kids, they're 9 and 11 and know I go out on dates. And when I date someone for more than a month or so, I tell them about the guy. This guy has other priorities and let's his kids rule his life. No judgement, but the behavior is obvious.
He lacks certain boundaries with his kids too, which doesn't mean you can't set your own boundaries with him.
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u/lilsteph80 10h ago
Do you think I call it now? Is it going to get better? I really really connect with him as a person, he brings out the best in me. Except when this happens. This is the second time. In two months. I feel stupid for continuing this relationship but I also want to give him the opportunity to make this work.
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u/Inevitable-Might4253 10h ago
It depends, I think you'd feel better, or get more clarity, if you talk to him about it.
Even saying what you said, "I feel stupid for continuing this relationship" would be enough to start a convo.
If he cares, he'll talk to you. But he also may not care, I'm sorry to say. You'll know more by his reaction and whether he validates your feelings.
I found that I can connect with MANY men, on a deeper level, but that literally says nothing about their intentions for us as a couple.
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u/Gunnorra_2020 9h ago
Yeahhhh, asking when you can see him next is not nagging, it's normal human interaction. He doesn't respect you or your time, if he did he would respect the plans, and/or clearly communicate ahead of time what was going on and a backup plan. The whole kids are #1 thing is something people use to be shitty partners. What it should mean is if there's ever a conflict, the kids win. What it doesn't mean is that you can't make plans, or communicate like a normal human. Kids should see normal dating and such, not just the divorce and separation, but that's just my $.02.
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u/FullySkylarking 9h ago
I have kids and a good parent would have more structure for thier kids. We don't do things on the fly, our lives are generally structured. OP - not all single parents are like this.
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u/samanthasamolala 2h ago
This sounds like a man who doesn’t have his priorities structured in a way that is compatible with a relationship , with anyone who wants accountability and respect of time etc. You don’t say why Mom is not in the picture but oftentimes that is a screaming red flag, depending why. Idk if you’re in love w this guy or just questing attention you’ll never get and mistaking that desire for love.
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u/racecrack 19h ago
This should be the norm in every healthy relationship, even it's still "just dating". Near future plans should be in place to show mutual interest, commitment and intent to invest.
PS. I'm also a man with 3 teenage kids (50/50) who have all kinds of needs, but going to the mall at 11PM when I had earlier agreed to call my girlfriend at that time is certainly not among them. I would tell them (respectfully) to fvck off (and go sleep). I'd call you when I said I'd call you. This man is simply not ready to date in any committed way.