r/datingoverforty • u/Kind-Number-419 • 1d ago
Delaying sex in dating
For the women here, is it a red flag or green flag if a man prefers to wait awhile before having sex? I dated a women for 2 weeks. She is saying she wants to have sex and I've told her I'm not ready for that yet. So it you initiated sex in the first month of dating and the guy rejecte you, does that make you want him less or more? I went through a ho phase and ended up with some situationships where the entire relationship were centered around sex. I've changed and now prefer to wait on sex until we have had plenty of time to date and get to know each other in order to make sure we enjoy our time together doing other things besides sex. And I love sex. I just want to progress a little slower now so the entire relationship is not centered around sex. I'm not talking years. More like a few months.
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u/AZ-FWB divorced woman 1d ago
Please be crystal clear about your plans regarding sex, physical intimacy, and even touching of any sort.
If I’m told upfront, I know exactly where my lane is and I strictly stay there.
What I would struggle with is, you wait till I make a move and then reject me.
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u/According-Variety-62 1d ago
That. The rejecting aspect can be a turn off. But if intentions are clear from the beginning then there’s no potentially embarrassing situation and the other person can decide if this suits them too.
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u/AZ-FWB divorced woman 1d ago
Exactly!
I am faster and that’s a big factor when it comes to how I schedule my social outings. This would be one of the first things that I would let the other person know that can’t do spontaneous last minute dinners or lunches. I like some advance notice so I can adjust my schedule. Otherwise the other person might feel rejected and disrespected if I showed up at the restaurant and drank water.
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u/According-Variety-62 1d ago
Communication as usual! There’s often so much that’s not said in these very early stages and it’s easy to just have the wrong end of the stick and let things fizzle out.
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u/vasileios13 1d ago
More than once I made my intentions clear and they were pressing me a lot to do it in every conversation we had. I'm often not sexually attracted to someone from the first date, but after some dating I can become attracted if they're generally attractive as characters. But if they make me feel pressured we should fuck that turns me off completely.
I know it's very opposite from the gender stereotypes and I'm expected to jump at the opportunity but while I'm very passionate with the people I have developed chemistry, I have absolutely no sexual desire when I first meet someone.
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u/yudkib 1d ago
Last sentence is literally 99% of men 99% of the time. Maybe he doesn’t know how many dates he’s expecting, he’s just not there yet
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u/Kind-Number-419 1d ago
We have had two dates. There is sexual tension and flirting. I told her I definitely want to have sex. Just wasn't ready on the second date.
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u/Some-Tear3499 1d ago
I am 67M Widowed 17 months ago. My body says tonight is fine! My heart and mind say slow down Buddy, give a little time.
I know what I want/need is the close intimacy, my body translates that to wanting sex.4
u/yudkib 1d ago
Yeah I mean I’m on your team here, I think it would be inappropriate for you to bring up sex in any context at that point, so you sort of didn’t have a choice but to do what you did. Women who are afraid or unwilling to be rejected for sex after 1-3 dates I think should be the ones who make those expectations clear up front.
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u/Visual-Age-1025 23h ago
Can you help me picture how a woman should present this, on date one or so?
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u/AZ-FWB divorced woman 1d ago
If that’s what women are doing; meaning waiting for men to initiate **just** to reject them, then that’s a shitty move and needs to stop.
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u/yudkib 1d ago
What makes you think the OP led her on? He said she wants sex and he told her he’s not ready.
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u/AZ-FWB divorced woman 1d ago
What makes you think I think that?
I am responding to OP’s question about how as I woman I would take his preferences. I have no comments about OP’s interaction with his last date. What other woman did is not any of my concerns.
OP can do whatever he wants when it comes to any aspects of dating and relationships. He can have any solid or fluid timelines for anything he wants. We are not passing judgment here. As a functional adult, it’s appreciated if he communicates it upfront.
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u/yudkib 1d ago edited 1d ago
I guess I was just confused when you brought up women waiting for men to initiate just to shoot them down. Because I don’t think that’s what the OP did. Felt like just a case of “sorry I’m not there yet” which men - understandably - deal with from women all the time.
I get what you are saying with communicating preferences up front, but if any man showed up to a first date with a woman like “yeah I usually like to have some connection so usually have sex after 3 dates” most women would say he should not expect a second one. If he waits 6 months that’s one thing, but I don’t think like 5 dates is anything unique. Why is it not her responsibility for starting that conversation and saying she expects sex in the first two weeks? You’re blaming him for not communicating and blaming him for rejecting her; I’m just pointing out the double standard and the impossible position that men are in, where if they talk about sex early on they’re dogs, but if they wait and end up rejecting someone they aren’t functional partners. There’s still zero accountability for the women and their expectations in either of these mutually exclusive scenarios.
And to be clear, that is what you are saying. That if he had to reject someone’s advances he isn’t a functional partner. 2 weeks in seems like a totally reasonable time to have discussions about expectations on sex and intimacy.
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u/AZ-FWB divorced woman 1d ago
Show me where I “blame”ed OP. Please
Oh wow! You cherry pick what you want.
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u/yudkib 1d ago edited 1d ago
“I would struggle with you wait until I make a move then reject me”. “As a functional adult it’s appreciated if he communicates up front.” You and broadly society are putting expectations on him (e.g., if she wants sex so should he; he should have been the one to initiate discussions about sex and intimacy, intimations that he played games with her) and if those expectations aren’t met then I guess I’m not sure what to call it other than blame. You are right that everyone can want what they want, but I am trying to illustrate that as many or more people would find his conduct unacceptable if he started discussions about what he wanted for sex and intimacy a week into meeting someone. That’s my point.
As a woman, if you prefer sex and intimacy move faster than a month or so, it is far more socially acceptable for you to say that, than for a man to bring up early he expects it to take a month or so.
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u/AZ-FWB divorced woman 1d ago
My struggles are mine and are not a blame on anyone.
You my friend make a ton of assumptions. And to be honest, you are not illustrating anything but your own assumptions. Regardless of the topic, if one has a preference; sex/food/ type of activity/etc it is highly appreciated if it’s communicated upfront.
Respectfully, since we are not moving closer in understanding each other any more than we did 20 minutes ago, I will stop it right here.
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u/Visual-Age-1025 23h ago
I think you’re very much interpreting what the poster said, but through some slanted filter. You’re accusing them of calling the man things when they didn’t. Do you struggle with a victim type complex, or do you not realize you’re doing this?
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u/yudkib 17h ago
I think the phrasing of something they said was misinterpreted by me. The “functional adult” thing. I thought she was saying if he’s a functional adult he should be expected to do it, but I’m realizing she meant that she’s a functional adult and desires those things (maybe not expects). So I don’t think it’s either, I think it was just a misunderstanding.
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u/MysteryMeat101 4h ago
I don't know the poster you're referring to, but I read it as a "functional adult" will communicate their expectations and boundaries. Not that they will or won't reject someone's advances.
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u/yudkib 4h ago
That’s also how I initially read that, and to me it implies that him failing to do that before their second date means he is not a functioning adult. I think that’s absurd, and I think it’s absurd whenever someone says “the other person should have brought it up.” Why didn’t the first person bring it up? A classic “phone works two ways” scenario.
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u/toffeehooligan 1d ago
I tried with my current g/f. We still had sex on the second date but during dinner I definitely told her I have no issues waiting and I wanted her to feel no pressure or anything regarding the sex. She flat out said "I want to have sex with you right now, be lucky we are in a restaurant.".
So, well, I tried. I really did.
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u/AJ14847414 1d ago
Depends on the restaurant, at a Wendy’s I would been beelining to the dumpster
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u/Equivalent_Public_41 salt and pepper forever 12h ago
Sir, this is a Wendy's, save that for the Burger King Bathroom.
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u/ChkYrHead sex ed was scrambled Showtime and Cosmo columns 14h ago
Had sex AND found an uneaten bacon cheeseburger!!
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u/punk-tortitude 1d ago
I personally find it refreshing when a man wants to wait. In fact, I've never encountered it. I'm usually asking men to be patient and get to know me.
It's nice to get to know someone organically before getting to that point.
I think what you're doing is a good thing and weeds out the people who aren't in it for a relationship.
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u/dallyan 15h ago
Same. lol I’ve literally never had a man say this to me. I wish! (As long as it didn’t mean he had issues with sex.)
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u/MysteryMeat101 4h ago
I recently had a man that I was talking to tell me that he doesn't believe in pre-marital sex. I don't ever plan to re-marry and I don't plan to be celibate forever either. Obviously we're not a match but I respected his honesty. Hopefully there's something in between going at it behind the dumpster at Wendy's on the first date and never ever. (We still talk. He's a wonderful man. Just not the man for me.)
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u/MisterBoggles 1d ago
That's really great that you find it refreshing when a man wants to take things slower and focus on getting to know your heart and mind first! That must have felt really exhausting to keep asking men to slow down on the physical intimacy front. :-/
For you, what feels like a comfortable timeframe before moving things into a physical phase? I hold no judgment. I'm curious to hear others' perspectives if you are open to sharing.
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u/punk-tortitude 1d ago
I think it depends on the person. For someone I've just met. Perhaps 1-2 months. For a person I've known many years, maybe 1-2 weeks.
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u/MisterBoggles 1d ago
Thank you for sharing your perspective! That makes sense that it would be sooner for someone you have already known for a significant time. If you think about your ideal preference, in the 1-2 months scenario, I’m curious how much time spent together or roughly how many dates would generally have taken place in those 1-2 months.
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u/punk-tortitude 1d ago
These days...about once a week or every other week for the 2 month scenario. And the reason is because some of the people I have dated have children and their schedules are very complicated and there is a high likelihood of plans being cancelled because of it. I usually have long stretches between each date, which is why I need more time with them.
For the childfree, it usally takes a month or less, I can usually squeeze in 1-2 dates per week because scheduling dates is much more fluid and spontaneous.
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u/MisterBoggles 1d ago
I appreciate your responses. How did it feel, for you, when plans needed to pivot due to things coming up for those with children?
Another curiosity is how soon do people tend to have someone over to their own home? I know someone’s home is a very private and personal space so some may prefer to maintain privacy while vetting the other person while others may be quicker to invite someone into their safe space. I’m interested in your thoughts!
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u/punk-tortitude 1d ago
I expect that when dating single parents, there will be occasional moments that they may need to cancel. I try to give them some grace.
However, if there are older children (teenagers), and there are constant cancellations, then I think the issue isn't so much about child care, but rather poor time management, or they just don't want to admit they don't like me that much. So I do have a limit.
As far as inviting people over, I'm not the best person to ask about that. I live in a cramped studio apartment so I almost never invite anyone over because two people at my place feels claustrophobic. I show them what the place looks like, but it's not comfortable for "hanging out", but generally, I see people's places on the day I'm ready/open to sleeping with them. Doesn't mean that it has to happen if I visit them at their place or they visit mine, but I'm open to it.
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u/MisterBoggles 1d ago
Thank you for taking the time to entertain my thought prompts! I appreciate your shares and I want to acknowledge and recognize that you provided your thoughts in a timely way which was nice. 😊
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u/Usagi2throwaway 1d ago
I don't think it's either a red or green flag. I personally prefer to get intimate around the third or fourth date because intimacy is important to me. If a man wants to wait longer, I'd say it depends on how he communicates about it and how much I like him.
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u/jellyfishiesx 1d ago
HUGE green flag! I prefer this myself. I usually would get ghosted by men if I did not sleep with them by the end of the second or third date. Holding off shows someone’s real intentions.
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u/Jarcher1701 1d ago
I find that shocking that you'd get ghosted for that. Building a great friendship/relationship is more important to me than quick sex. Perhaps I'm just made different. 🤔 (46m)
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u/Caroline_Bintley 1d ago
So it you initiated sex in the first month of dating and the guy rejecte you, does that make you want him less or more?
Being rejected would make me feel rejected. It doesn't make the guy more or less desirable.
But I can also appreciate someone who want to wait, assuming they can communicate where their head is at. And assuming they're cool taking the lead at that point.
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u/Thick_Time_4716 1d ago
If I were dating a man who behaved as if sex hadn’t even occurred to him, while still being playful and flirtatious, I would be so turned on. I would make the first move.
If he declined but reassured me that he would love to take me home tonight—just not at the expense of taking me home every night—I would respect that.
That being said, there has to be sexual tension, or you will end up in the friend zone.
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u/OutOfPlace186 1d ago
This is what happened with my ex and I had to make the first move or I was going to burst ha. He later told me that he wanted to wait until marriage though, which he should’ve communicated that from the start and not after we started getting more physical because by that point it felt like rejection.
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u/Aggressive_Side1105 middle aged, like the black plague 1d ago
I think if the reason is wanting to wait that’s fine. Especially if there’s been some physical affection. I would happily wait 5 or 6 dates.
If it’s a few months and we’ve seen each other once a week or something I would probably assume there’s no attraction by that point. I would need reassurance.
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u/YourFixj3ss70 1d ago
It’s honestly refreshing. Most guys aren't looking for anything beyond a hookup so if you're taking it slow, it shows you’re actually interested in the person for once.
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u/Owww_My_Ovaries 1d ago
I told her 5 dates min.
She was cool with it.
She said I was refeshing because most guys are just after that.
Sex to me without the connection is worthless.
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u/UniqueAlps2355 1d ago
5 dates is a good time frame imo.
Three dates is a bit early, but I wouldn't want to wait for too long either.
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u/style-queen1 1d ago
I want to have sex when it feels right for both of us; without having an arbitrary time line. I also don’t want to waste my time or settle for mediocre sex because I feel bad to hurt the nice guy I had a nice time hanging out with
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u/LeisurelyHyacinth246 1d ago
I wouldn’t be in a huge rush so I’d be unlikely to before a month anyway. However, if a man told me he wanted to wait several months, I’d be thinking that might mean he’s very uninterested in sex so I’d conclude that we’re likely to not be compatible.
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u/Direct-Bar3683 a flair for mischief 1d ago
I dont think its a bad idea, 2 weeks isn't even long enough to know someone and worry about these things it might and does likely fizzle out fast anyway so I think stand by your guns.
Some people come from long term relationships where sexual compatibility wasnt great so they make it one of their goals to have sex early on to see if things match, could be to make sure a guy can perform without ED or maybe they have a penis size preference.
Why invest more time if these things dont work out early. Your preference is a nicer slow burn. Maybe you could be more flexible with other forms of intimacy, oral or long sessions of foreplay to keep her interested.
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u/emu_neck 1d ago
How often are you seeing someone? If it's been 2 dates over 2 weeks, it's totally reasonable to not be ready for sex. For me personally, anything longer than 5 dates would be a no. And I don't mean actual sex, but if there is no sexual tension and the other person is treating me like a friend with zero physical contact, I would not continue after date 3 probably.
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u/RulyDragon 23h ago
I think this is fine that you know what works for you, and it’s great that you are willing to communicate it. You will encounter compatible women who this works well for, who are your target audience, and you will also encounter women like myself, who are not willing to invest months in a connection without determining sexual compatibility.
Sexual compatibility is an absolute priority for me. It’s not the only priority, but it’s a major one. If you can date me for months without jumping my bones, it’s unlikely our sexual needs are going to be aligned.
I would also wonder about your ongoing capacity to maintain balance within relationships if you need to take sex off the table completely to get to know me in a non-sexual sense. The kind of men I’m attracted to have the emotional intelligence and mastery to pivot between pussy, politics, and pickleball.
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u/Kind-Number-419 23h ago
It's only been two weeks, two dates. Having said that based on the input on here I plan to have sex with her now on the next date or two. I don't want to lose her and I want have sex so pretty silly for me to wait. I was just thinking I should try a different approach than I have in the past.
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u/RulyDragon 22h ago
I think it’s fine to just communicate your desire to keep balance between the sex and the other stuff, and then act intentionally to follow up on that. Mix up your dates, be curious about your partner, have well rounded experiences and conversations. It’s entirely possible to have berserk sex and still get to know someone. I’m doing it right now with a smoking hot man who I cannot keep my hands off. We can get wild in the sack one night and go to his nephew’s music recital with his family the next. It doesn’t have to be one or the other. 🙂
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u/Proof-Implement7322 14h ago
> I’d wonder about your ongoing capacity to maintain balance
This is why a small alarm bell goes off in my brain when I read posts like these from folks. It tends to be an overcorrection and like, it’s fine to have the thought but people miss the next step where the thought gets interrogated. 😅
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u/Super_Chilled_Reader 1d ago
It's wonderful (and refreshing) that you're not rushing it! But, a few months is a long time. I personally wouldn't want to wait when it's six dates or six weeks.
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u/VegetableRound2819 The Best of What’s Left 1d ago
It would be a welcome change. It feels like I’m out here trying to learn about a person and he’s just trying to get his biggest needs met immediately without regard to meeting any of mine.
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u/MyCatIsFluffyNotFat 1d ago
Depends on lots of things.
How interested is he acting apart from this rejection?
Depending what happened I might be peeved he didn't say something earlier. Not wait for me to bring it up.
Is there discussion about sex. Mainly no lies. Don't say you want sex daily, when its really weekly or several days between. Give a refractory period that's 5-10 years out of date. This all happens when the delay makes either person much more interested / horny and yr trying to maintain interest. Or all the talking is just fantasy 🤣
To me you'd need to be acting very interested, and be really really clear about why. And why you didn't say earlier. Ive said this before meeting usually because I want to wait.
Red flags, can be, he's asexual, not interested, ED etc.
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u/ZoeticLark 1d ago
you are being very wise. Biologically speaking it takes many hours of face-to-face to go from being strangers to being friends and to go from being friends to being intimate partners... biologically speaking.
"Research from the University of Kansas shows that it takes about 50 hours of face-to-face time to go from strangers to casual friends, and over 200 hours to become close friends. However, the transition from friends to intimate partners varies wildly; psychological studies show it averages about two years for the "friends-first" pathway to romance.Stranger to Friend (The 200-Hour Rule)According to communication studies by Jeffrey Hall, relationship progression relies heavily on time spent, but the quality of interaction matters most"
sounds like you're on a good track. Best of luck to you.
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u/prosthetic_memory 1d ago
I’d disclose as soon as possible. It’s not a total dealbreaker but it hits harder if the other person initiates and is rejected.
You also need to explain why. Otherwise there’s a chance they could assume worst case (STD, erectile dysfunction, etc).
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u/BreadyStinellis 1d ago
I think this is going to be person to person dependent. I was in a sexless marriage for 10 years, I will not tolerate another one. If someone I was dating wanted to wait a month or more for sex, it would be a deal breaker for me. For others, the opposite might be a deal breaker.
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u/SomeCleverShark 1d ago
Takes three months or so of steady dating to tease out someone’s character and get the masks to fall off, so yeah why super glue myself to a stranger with sex chemicals? So much easier to walk away when red flags come up when I have kept my powder dry.
Besides that, building up desire slowly with someone you genuinely are falling in love with is high erotica. Just holding hands with them is 🥵
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u/HitEmStraight2998 11h ago edited 11h ago
Oof good luck man. I’ve never had many positive experiences when denying women sex. Some may think you’re not attracted to them and others may question your manhood or sexuality lol
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u/Shot_Pin_3891 1d ago
Two weeks is not a long time if it’s two dates but if it’s 10 dates I’d be concerned. Some women have left dead bedroom marriages, half the women our age are ravenously horny like never before in their lives. We also don’t want to put a lot on energy into a relationship to learn we are not sexually compatible be cause that’s emotionally painful when it doesn’t work out and wastes everyone’s time. It’s fine to stand your ground but it would give me reason to think you had a low sex drive, low confidence in sex or we’re very emotional about sex meaning something more than it does. Now you have shared your perspective that’s different but at the risk of being crude I’d want a sign you were good for it in order to wait. Lots of physical touch, kissing and talking about sex and what is important to you. I’d assume it’s going to take some practice to align anyway so I prefer not to delay. But hats me and most of my friends, ladies in different circles might feel differently
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u/Kind-Number-419 1d ago
I also came from a marriage that was not matched equally sexually. I'm hyper sexual. And after my divorce I had a lot of sex, one stands, and situationships. Actually my biggest fear is ending up with someone that has a low sex drive, my second biggest fear is ending up with someone who is a bad match overall, but the sex is amazing. I had that situation for about 4 months and I was so sexually addicted to this person I could not break it off even though I new the relationship was not healthy. I guess that's why I've changed a bit and trying to go a little slower. It's only been 2 dates.
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u/vasileios13 1d ago
> half the women our age are ravenously horny like never before in their lives
I'm glad you said it because I'm one of those guys who practically avoid having sex at the first two dates, and still I'm having much more sex after 35 than I did as a student. And I cannot understand if women are hornier in this age, or if I was just uglier when I was younger (I don't think I was)
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u/SchuRows 1d ago
I think it’s reasonable but I would be concerned about sexual compatibility and complementary libidos. I would want reassurance you’re attracted and desire sex but want to build a deeper connection. If I am feeling it I would stick around.
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u/According-Variety-62 1d ago
The reassurance aspect is spot. If you’re gonna wait you have to know there’s actually something to wait for and it’s not someone with a low libido or little interest in sex.
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u/ChkYrHead sex ed was scrambled Showtime and Cosmo columns 14h ago
That's where talking about sexual likes/dislikes, and making out comes into play.
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u/Competitive-Cod4123 1d ago
I find this very honest and very refreshing. I am dealing with the opposite guys who want to get me into bed immediately and I have done this before I’ve done it a lot. I am not good in hookup situations and I am not really comfortable having sex with a guy that I really don’t know very well and I tell you once it happens it just seems like the whole thing fizzle out anyway.
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u/neuralh4tch 1d ago edited 1d ago
There are no flags.
What might be a green flag for one is a red flag for someone else.
All one can do, is communicate, and you will either find someone that is compatible with your preferences or someone willing to compromise to your preferences.
Edit: I'm a guy. She may choose to either wait, date others or friendzone you. All you can do is communicate what is right and important for you. With these things, best to be clear ahead of time, some women find it hard when they are rejected on sex.
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u/Similar_Corner8081 1d ago
I think more should go with l this approach. Whatever happened to getting to know someone before hopping in bed?
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u/Mumma83 1d ago
Waiting for a real connection is definitely a green flag...
But I have been rejected, I was pretty offended tbh. I felt like he didn't want me, wasn't turned on by me, our connection wasn't what I thought it was... it made it very awkward. Afterwards he was messaging "it's not you at all" "I got performance anxiety" "you're so beautiful, don't think it's cos of that" and so on.
What I learnt from that, is if we aren't at the stage where we can have an open conversation about sex, sexual health, anxieties etc.. we aren't having sex.
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u/SsshLetMeSpeak 1d ago edited 1d ago
A green flag for me when a man is honest and tells me his wants and needs. I rather know in early stage of dating be upfront around this topic rather than later and feel disappointed or strung along.
I must say you’re a rare find, most men would want to dive into our pants first few dates! I always tell them on first date that I’m a slow burn type, know each other a little more at my pace. I can’t enjoy sex if I’m not comfortable and develop an emotionally connection with. I don’t care if they run out the door fast after.
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u/No_Project_4738 1d ago
Just communicate your intentions. It helps the other person to know where you are coming from. Also what will it take for you to have sex, is there a certain moment when you know you’ll be ready? Try to figure out what it is you need, time? Commitment? Knowing certain things about them?
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u/StealthyThings 3h ago
Communication is key.
For me (42F) waiting months wouldn’t work. Physical compatibility is extremely important to me and knowing there’s compatibility there early saves wasting time.
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u/DefiantViolette 1d ago
I would find it refreshing. I'm so tired of guys trying to hump my leg right out of the gate. I'm fine waiting indefinitely for intercourse, but would want to start exploring other kinds of intimacy, like at least making out, within a few weeks of meeting.
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u/astalavistababyshark 1d ago
I think it’s very pragmatic especially when your set precedence in past relationships always centered around sex and nothing else of substance. Honestly I don’t think most of us would want to develop a relationship void of centering around sex if the dessert was served first. It’s like addiction, why focus on other meaningful ways of connecting when sex colors that?
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u/Inner_Sheepherder_65 1d ago
This is a huge green flag! I’m at a point in my life where I want to wait a few months.
However, i can see a past self where I might have initiated earlier and felt rejected if the guy said no. It’s not that it’s a red flag it’s that I would have felt embarrassed because usually it’s the man who is pursuing sex
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u/r_harpe 1d ago
If I'm going to be totally honest, if I initiated sex, and got rejected, that would be a blow to my ego and I would move on. But I'm also not a sexually aggressive woman who has ever initiated sex - its always the man.
I think to avoid this situation, you should have the conversation upfront, on the first date maybe, just so everyone knows what's on the table. Because, if a man takes too long to initiate sex, I would read that as a lack of interest and probably move on. You've got valid reasons for waiting, but you need to vocalise that so the women don't take it the wrong way.
My personal preference is to have sex early, 2nd or 3rd date, just so you know if you're sexually compatible. I don't want to waste time dating and forming an emotional attachment to someone who is not sexually compatible with me. To me, having early sex doesn't mean that the relationship has to revolve around that. You can still keep dating, keep getting to know each other, make sure the dates are always activities and you don't just jump into bed. Sex and getting to know each other are not mutually exclusive activities...
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u/Ill-Squash111 1d ago
Prefer marriage
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u/Kind-Number-419 1d ago
I tried that. Saved myself for marriage. Married 20 years to someone who I was not sexually compatible with. Never again. One of the worst mistakes of my life.
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u/No-Following-2625 1d ago edited 1d ago
If I were looking for a relationship, I personally would not wait much longer than date number two for sex. Three at the latest.
Sexual compatibility is extremely important to me. And I'm very particular about what I like, and how I want to interact with men sexually.
So I wouldn't want to invest the time getting to know someone, only to find out that we were incompatible that way.
I would certainly respect a man's decision to wait, but I would not date them.
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u/ChkYrHead sex ed was scrambled Showtime and Cosmo columns 14h ago
Curious. You don't think you'd get a good idea on sexual compatibility after confirming you're on the same page with your likes/dislikes, the tension you felt building, and how you felt after heavy make out sessions??
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u/AutoModerator 1d ago
Original copy of post by u/Kind-Number-419:
For the women here, is it a red flag or green flag if a man prefers to wait awhile before having sex? I dated a women for 2 weeks. She is saying she wants to have sex and I've told her I'm not ready for that yet. So it you initiated sex in the first month of dating and the guy rejecte you, does that make you want him less or more? I went through a ho phase and ended up with some situationships where the entire relationship were centered around sex. I've changed and now prefer to wait on sex until we have had plenty of time to date and get to know each other in order to make sure we enjoy our time together doing other things besides sex. And I love sex. I just want to progress a little slower now so the entire relationship is not centered around sex. I'm not talking years. More like a few months.
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u/krisdmv 1d ago
I have been on 3 dates over the course of almost a month starting the first week of May. Prior to this relationship, I was in a relationship that lasted 13.5 years. Anyhow, I have only 'high-fives' and squeezed his hand on the last date. I think it really depends on each individual's pacing and there is no rush, but know that if sexual compatibility is important, then in the near future you will need to find out.
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u/Mamma_cita old at life, new at dating 1d ago
Everyone is different. For me, even if I am crazy attracted to someone, I need a connection to exist in order to enjoy sex and so I am not eager to rush into sex until that connection is de developed. I also am the kind of person for whom sec is part of a package and for whom intelectual compatibility is just as important as physical chemistry and so I have always taken time to develop that before I release my links freak on anyone. If they can’t wait, well their loss and they don’t get to find out what they missed for being inpatient.
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u/Kindly-Notice123 1d ago
That is a green flag.i personally prefer getting to bond and fall in love .This is an important step most people skip .The foundation of the relationship is important
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u/Yummy_Castoreum 1d ago
I know you asked for women's thoughts but as a guy, just be careful you're not overthinking it and preventing things from developing naturally. I was seeing someone and I was all into how I wanted to be "friends first" and I think after a while she interpreted it as me not being attracted to her and she drifted away. That wasn't the case at all, I sincerely wanted to build a friendship first, but I don't blame her for reading it how she did. I'm with someone else now but I still regret "letting her get away" --- she's a peach.
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u/outyamothafuckinmind 1d ago
I wouldn't say it's a red flag but when a guy won't put the moves on (maybe not sex but some movement in that direction) after a heavy make out session, I do start to wonder. The last guy, we dated for months and he said he needed a connection but then he never could perform
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u/NorthernIcicle 1d ago
bingo. BINGO. You just said what man men who want to wait for months are not saying. The ability to perform! Depending on age it could be health, it could be anxiety( common with 1st sex by the way...) or what is waaaaay more common - brain/dopamine overload due to porn and that usually takes 30-60 days for brain to rewrite from heavy porn use. It's not just men in 40s. A ton of men in their 20s suffer that these days so women in their earlier 20s are complaining too. They get their hit from the OF girls or models looking girls and then an average woman and real sex is nothing like it. The doctors are overwhelmed with the patients these days seeking help. And viagra and alike don't help much as it's a brain issue and viagra doesn't treat that so they can't do much even with pills.
PS. performance issues happen to ALL men now and then and at all ages. All men. no exceptions. and if a woman reacts badly to it, it only gets worse with that woman. It what breaks marriages too. Something to be aware. Once on a 5th date a woman said with eyes roll "I guess you don't like me, pff". This was after a 12h shift, a head ache prior and a lot on my mind about work issues that day. Her negative attitude and lack of understanding resulted in no 6th date as I didn't want to do anything with that person any more.
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u/outyamothafuckinmind 13h ago
There is never a reason to act poorly or rudely when a man has performance issues (and he shouldn't when she has issues). But after months of dating and multiple make out sessions, at some point, you have to decide if you're willing to wait any longer.
I follow a man's lead on performance issues because I don't want to add shame or embarrassment the dynamic. I don't consider performance issues to mean a guy doesn't like me, although we all know of men who like to blame women for them (that hasn't happened to me but I know women that it has). I'm also very aware that life issues (exhaustion, stress, etc) can have an impact on performance so I take those things into account.
I do want an active sex life with my partner. If I'm exclusive with someone (I don't do NSA or casual sex) and I've waited months, at some point I have to ask 'is it ever going to happen'? There are women out there who don't want sex or want it infrequently. I'm not one of those women. I'm willing to wait but not forever.
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u/LiveLaughLobster 23h ago
The fact that he wants to wait to have sex is a neutral for me. Neither good nor bad. But the fact that he knows what he wants and is willing to communicate it clearly would be a green flag for me. So overall, I would feel more positive about a guy if I had the experience you described.
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u/Soggy-Maintenance246 a flair for mischief 22h ago
To each their own. It would not be a green flag for me. If I am initiating sex or a kiss or whatever and get rejected with a brief explanation I wouldn’t mind at all. I could understand something like- im tired, not feeling well, lets wait for another night, or im not quite ready yet. But being told im going to need a few months- thats something I would have wanted to know very early on.
I cannot fathom developing feelings for someone over a few months and then having sex and finding out it is somehow disappointing. The amount of disappointing sex I’ve experienced casually dating is enough of a cautionary tale for me to risk that
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u/Ok_Parsnip_2914 21h ago
Honestly red flag, I'd feel like you're not into me and start having negative thoughts I probably won't even share because of my insecurity 😭 To me sexual chemistry is very important and I'd rather find out soon if I'm compatible with someone before getting fully invested, and this is the second reason why I feel a few months is a lot. Some other women will find it romantic and respectful which I also understand, especially if they have a background of pushy dates. So it's difficult to say. Just be honest with the interested one. Be open on why you're delaying the whole thing in case she's making scenarios in her head 🙂↕️
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u/GoldLeaderActual 19h ago
I'm a guy, but I've been on both sides of this sexual interest/boundary element.
Have you told her WHY you want to wait? Is there something physical that you are open to that does not violate your boundary?
Is there a number of dates or an emotional threshold that can reduce your waiting period to weeks instead of months?
Are your interests aligned? Is she kind? Doe you get each other??
If there is no reason to leave, leaning in is probably a great strategy.
Wish you both luck navigating this OP.
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u/racecrack 19h ago
Male perspective here. I'm not really sure how this is for the women, but I would probably move on if my current pursuit told me that sex is not in the cards for months to come.
I might be looking at life and relationships too simplistic - but one of my main reasons to even pursue a next relationship at all is to find mutually fulfilling sex (yes, companionship too - but I can have that with any number of people outside of partnered life). If I'd have to wait for months to even find out if that would be happening for us, I could have dated (and "tried out") several others in the meanwhile.
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u/Pretty_Bird108 13h ago
As a woman I find attraction grows as interest is clearly expressed without it being physical or sexual in any way. In fact, if interest is physically or sexually prioritized I will literally, and not always consciously, move in the opposite way of attraction. Pacing is everything in early dating and emotional bonding and self control / regulation is extremely sexy.
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u/One_Net_1282 12h ago
Know what you want and hold to it. If someone can't work with you on this, they're not your person. End of story.
You'll weed out a lot of crud if you don't give yourself away. The main thing is communication. If intimacy comes up or a move is made, I convey that I value sex highly in a relationship and look forward to having that connection, but I'm not ready yet and need to explore the other aspects (friendship, compatibility, etc.) first.
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u/MysteryMeat101 6h ago
There's no red or green flag to staying true to your own values. If you feel comfortable and connected enough with someone to have sex, please do. If someone is pressuring you to have sex, or you're having sex for any other reason than you want to, please don't.
you initiated sex in the first month of dating and the guy rejecte you, does that make you want him less or more?
If he communicated about it, it wouldn't be a problem. Everyone feels ready at a different pace and I'd certainly never want someone to do something they don't feel comfortable doing. It wouldn't make me want him any more or less.
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u/shitty-kittie 3h ago
I love waiting, appreciate men who want/are willing to wait and it makes me insanely horny and excited to wait.
I will say, however, that communicating timing and intentions is really important. A few months would probably be too long for me. Sexual chemistry is really important to me and if I waited 5 months to discover we have no compatibility in the bedroom, I'd feel like a lot of my time had been wasted.
Additionally, it gets exhausting always allowing men to take control of timing and important decisions in relationships. I've dated so many men that make decisions about a relationship with me without communicating or showing any interest in what my needs or desires might be.
Make sure you're open and willing to talk about sex and take the time to learn about what your date desires and wants too. It should be a mutual bond and two people should meet in the middle and have equal ownership over decisions in the bedroom.
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u/Space_Cowgirl_KM 2h ago
I think communication is best with her. I would respect someone that wanted to wait longer. My preference is to also wait longer. I’d love to meet a man like you who wanted to wait and progress slower.
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u/Danger_Muffin28 1d ago
For me, it would be a no to continuing a dating relationship. I understand where you’re coming from, but if I wanted what is basically something where you go hang out and do things together/talk/maybe some light making out…then I’d be looking for a friendship.
There nothing wrong with that at all. I’m sure you will find women that will really appreciate your take on this. It’s just something you’ll need to bring up and discuss at the beginning to make sure you’re on the same page.
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u/Danger_Muffin28 1d ago
LMAO @ all of my downvotes like I’m not allowed to do what I want to do as a fucking adult! 😂😂😂 This sub is so weirdly misogynistic and conservative.
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u/ChkYrHead sex ed was scrambled Showtime and Cosmo columns 14h ago
I think it's cause you seem to not understand what's going on here. OP isn't looking for a friendship. They're simply wanting to wait a little longer in a romantic relationship, before having sex, to make sure the non-sexual part of the romantic relationship is there.
Nothing about this has anything to do with friendships.1
u/Danger_Muffin28 13h ago
I understand just fine. I didn’t say they were looking for a friendship. What I did say is that TO ME, not having sex for an extended period of time at the early stages of dating feels like a friendship rather than dating. Therefore, it would not be something I would pursue unless I was looking for something more like a friend.
Not sure how what I said was so confusing? It seems like saying I would not be interested in waiting an indeterminate amount of time before sex was super difficult for some people to hear. Which is actually ridiculous since we are all allowed to have preferences. I don’t want to wait. Some people do want to wait. All of it is fine and perfectly acceptable. 🤷♀️
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u/ChkYrHead sex ed was scrambled Showtime and Cosmo columns 12h ago
Beucase you're still making it seem like someone wanting to wait...5 weeks before sex feels like a friendship for you. No idea why you'd feel that way, and it doesn't make sense. In other words, why does the absence of the act of sex, automatically make you feel like you're in a friendship, when you'd be going on dates, touching, kissing, and making out....all of which you don't do with a friend.
If you don't want to wait, simply say that. "I need to have sex after two dates." and stop trying to make it seem like sex isn't your primary focus.0
u/Vixen_Latina_Viajera 8h ago
It's quite simple and makes perfect sense to me as well. Put logically: If it is OK to feel that dating without sex is a sexual relationship then it is also OK to feel that dating without sex is not a sexual relationship. What is a nonsexual relationship? OP asked for opinions, just because a few go against the grain does not make them any less worthy of opining.
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u/ChkYrHead sex ed was scrambled Showtime and Cosmo columns 8h ago
it is also OK to feel that dating without sex is not a sexual relationship.
No intercouse sex, does not equal not sexual. Again, if you're going on dates, kissing, making out....but not having sex, it's still a relationship with sexual aspects.
What is a nonsexual relationship?
That's not what OP is wanting.
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u/Vixen_Latina_Viajera 1d ago
Yes, it is. I don't fit in with this sub either. 🤣
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u/Danger_Muffin28 1d ago
I keep checking to see if I’ve been posting on a Boomer dating sub, but nope. Must be a lot of crossover because I can’t imagine all of my fellow GenX folks being this judgy about sex!
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u/NorthernIcicle 1d ago
in 2026 men prefer porn and wait until marriage; anything outside of that is taboo. Get with the program.
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u/NorthernIcicle 1d ago
the question is why? I think psychologically it is weird that a man would rather masturbate than have sex with a woman and a lot of women know this deep down. There are certainly those on the "by 2nd date or else" spectrum on both sides and those ultimatum-types are never good, but Most women would feel less desired if a healthy male would want to just "be friends" for months. So, the question is why and what trauma you have or or what what health issues that push you to make want to rather do it with yourself.
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u/Kind-Number-419 1d ago
I don't masterbate. Shocker. What is it with you that assumes all men masterbate?
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u/MySocialAlt "she sounds fun" 22h ago
Something like 90+% of all men masturbate, so it's not a crazy assumption.
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u/NorthernIcicle 13h ago edited 13h ago
It's not really 90%, it's nearing 100% in HEALTHY males. I know it's different in females who can just not, but in healthy males it's a physiological thing. Years in medical school taught me that and how any studies with lower numbers were wrong because they didn't account for people lying( mostly shame) or having severe medical conditions; the surveys never accounted for those.
There are a few medical conditions where men have no urge for sex but those are medical conditions and it is clear to me OP may have one of those( not blaming, just stating facts for readers to understand). We can't turn it off, the way women can as our brains are wired differently hormonally. I can name probably dozen of those but there are probably around 100 health conditions. again, this is why when I commented in this thread I kept saying "healthy male" and it's an important factor to understand. I can discuss for hours this as I had to write my dissertation on this topic. Bottom line is, healthy males masturbate/release/sex quite often and it is also a way to keep your prostate in a good state, among other things. and for OP, I hope you are working with a good doctor( key word good as 9/10 are not if you have any health problems as quite a few of them are solvable these days, but majority of men avoid doctors, refuse testing and then just suffer consequences and the problem with some of these, the longer you weight the more the side effects and aggravated the issues will become. One of the latest data shows less than 20% of men visit doctors for a check up, unless it's absolutely necessary and too late.
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u/MySocialAlt "she sounds fun" 13h ago
I do not disagree (I am not a doctor but do do research in this field and others), and technically "nearing 100%" IS "90+%", but wanted to leave room for the NoFap folks and others so as not to argue technicalities, which seems to have failed from the other end, lol.
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u/MySocialAlt "she sounds fun" 1d ago
It is a green flag if a man knows what he wants (or doesn't yet want) and is able to communicate it.
It may be an incompatibility if we have significantly different timeframes and priorities.
Yes, both are possible.