r/datingoverforty • u/Melodic-Honeydew-600 • 1d ago
Casual Conversation Do personalized matchmakers ever match paying clients?
Hi, so I 41f am considering going to a matchmaker as I am really fed up with dating apps. I have been talking to a few of them to get a feeling for what they offer and what to expect. I also read online that often they promise you more than they can offer before you sign a contract and later try to have you compromise on your wishes.
One thing is that as a successful woman I am hoping to date a man who is equally successful cuz I feel most men would struggle if their partner outshines them and I also feel that this would help us have a more equal relationship.
However, I read that luxury matchmakers hardly match female paying clients with male paying clients. Is this true? Cuz I feel dating someone who actually feels ready for a relationship and therefore goes to a matchmaker and who also has some success in their career and can afford the matchmaker fees would be a good match.
Am I missing something here? What have your experiences been?
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u/temporarycreature 1d ago
What you read is entirely accurate.
Personalized matchmakers rarely match paying women with paying men because their business model relies on keeping you paying high renewal fees.
While dating apps are an anonymous volume game, matchmakers use hyper personalized manipulation.
They often let men join their database for free just to have inventory, meaning those men have no financial skin in the game and haven't proven they are ready for commitment.
Because a matchmaker makes money when you renew your contract, they have a direct financial incentive to string you along and offer just enough hope to keep you hooked.
Once they have your money, they will almost always pressure you to lower your standards just to fulfill their basic contractual obligations.
Matchmaking services just take away the choice of illusion that online dating gives you and charges you a lot more for the privilege.
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u/ZieloneJezioro 1d ago
OLD is designed on the same algorithm. Show you matches that are good enough to string you along. Half of them fake or inactive.
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u/HitEmStraight2998 1d ago
True, but at least you get significantly more options at an exponentially lower cost.
My thoughts on matchmakers for women specifically is, what will you be getting out of like 10 options versus online dating when there’s hundreds of people participating (other than some slight convenience)?
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u/ZieloneJezioro 1d ago
You must have some awesome OLD in your neck of the woods 🤓. Agreed on the lower costs. I do Bumble for free for a month at a time, if not successful then take a break for the market to renew.
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u/CannaThrowawayNow 1d ago
Late 50s m. Could afford a luxury matchmaker if I wanted to.
Would never consider paying that type of money under any circumstances.
I believe the matchmakers are living in a world that has disappeared - a world where people dating with intention are OK looking in a small but “curated” pool, the curation basically being “willing to pay a few thousand dollars”
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u/temporarycreature 1d ago
Not speaking for any other nation, but I just don't think the US has the culture for matchmakers.
I'm not sure if we ever had it, and it wasn't just a novel idea, but that made it seem like it had some staying power in our culture.
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u/CannaThrowawayNow 1d ago
I’m in the UK. Used to be mainstream before the apps, but now I only see occasional ads asking for “exceptional gentlemen” in the back of Private Eye.
I think it’s still a thing in countries like India where arranged marriages are the norm, but that doesn’t sound like OP.
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u/Dirtydog693 1d ago
I’m 42M single dad of 2, but I’m also a physician. I’ve had fun with the matchmaking scene, I would say it’s different from OLD because truthfully women and men enrolled in it have made a definitive choice about how they see dating.
OLD in my experience is a battle between men who look at dating as an interview for sex and women like yourself who have a normal understanding of how social interactions work-who have been burnt by the former. And that is not a great place to start a relationship from
Personally I’m from a place in the British Isles-now in the Twin Cities-that has a uniquely continental atmosphere and I think that makes a big difference. For me if I date someone and I happen to find someone I want to snuggle up in front of a movie with that’s wonderful. But honestly if I don’t then just the process of hearing someone’s story and sharing mine while doing something fun like eating at a nice restaurant or going to a Candle light outdoor chamber orchestra concert is still an enriching experience.
Edit: I wouldn’t call me self successful, but I am ambitious, I fully intend to change how primary care is administered in my part of the USA. Just for context.
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u/Actual_Helicopter847 1d ago
That is a fantastic way to look at dating - I am going to try to embrace this for myself!
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u/ApricotJust8408 1d ago
Don't waste your money on a matchmaker. I did that 15 years ago. I paid $3500 for 10 matches, so, i cant imagine how it will cost now. I only met 2 men and I talked with one on the phone. I am an introvert and I don't do the nightlife/bar thing, so I used the matchmaker because i thought it would be easier. If you are outgoing, might as well do it IRL, meet-up groups, or the apps. It's a waste of money and also, you still have to do all the work.
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u/emu_neck 1d ago
I'd say your success is directly correlated to your "hotness". If you look very attractive and have a sexually appealing body, your chances of finding a financially secure man who meets your other criteria are going to be much higher than an average-looking woman.
This is true with using apps or paying a matchmaker. The biggest difference is that you are outsourcing the vetting process. There are also various tiers of matchmaking services. Most of them cater to paying men though. I have not used them myself, but have worked with a few women who tried Luma and Jaida matchmaking as paying clients and they had a very good experience.
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u/LordTom715 1d ago
My experience has been very positive. In my case, we were both paying clients (low 5 figures).
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u/Ihateregistering6 1d ago
One thing is that as a successful woman I am hoping to date a man who is equally successful cuz I feel most men would struggle if their partner outshines them and I also feel that this would help us have a more equal relationship.
Stop overthinking this, you won't know whether a person would "struggle" with this until you actually meet them and get to know them.
I'm going to also point out that "success" is extremely relative. Quick quiz, who is more successful: the person who works 60-80 hours a week in an incredibly stressful job but makes $300k a year, or the person who works 30-40 hours per week in a job they enjoy that isn't very stressful, but makes $125k a year?
I'll also point out that there are people I know in their 40s-50s who work very easy jobs that don't pay a ton, but are quite wealthy. How? Because they spent their 20s-30s working like maniacs, invested their money wisely, and are now in a state of pseudo-retirement, working just enough to pay the bills while they have $1 million+ in investments making them $100k in ROI a year.
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u/LogisticalNightmare 1d ago
Hi! 44F here. I don’t have matchmaking experience but I wanted to share that just a few days ago I made a post where (among my list of parameters) I said I wanted a man who makes as much as I do, and I got eviscerated in the comments. To get ahead of it, if it happens to you: you are being reasonable and aren’t wrong to have that preference.
I do follow a woman on tiktok who does free matchmaking (I think just for Muslims?) and she often has to get the people in her pool to be realistic. If an ugly man is specifically target younger women and there aren’t any matches, she’ll even tell them things like “the women you are looking for are seeking someone more conventionally attractive” and things like that. I think that can be helpful, but I could also see a matchmaker with a small pool using that as a crutch if they don’t have anyone for you.
Best of luck!
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u/rhinesanguine divorced woman 1d ago edited 1d ago
I follow her as well. She posted a video about women in their forties who are divorced asking - where are the men in their forties? She said most of those men, if they are professionally successful and good-looking, are looking for younger women.
I don't necessarily want a man who makes as much as me, but I do want a man who's been successful and had a good upward track in his career. That honestly seems pretty difficult to find, in addition to attraction and compatibility and wanting to commit, etc.
I recently had dinner with a friend in his fifties who's pretty good-looking. He told me that someone had been paying attention to him in one of hobby groups we both go to, but she stopped coming around. He thought for a period she was interested in him. I asked how old she was, she was 26. He told me, "I mean, I wouldn't PURSUE that but if she was interested in me..." As if that would make it less gross 😆
I'm sorry to say I think most men are like this, for him it was enough that she was young, existed and was interested in him. Whereas I won't consider dating a man that young because it would be like dating a child, and I have high expectations for a partner.
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u/MySocialAlt "she sounds fun" 1d ago
said I wanted a man who makes as much as I do, and I got eviscerated in the comments.
You got eviscerated because you (initially) wrote that you wanted a man who made more than you. You later clarified that you meant "made the same as I do", but that wasn't what you wrote and wasn't what people reacted to.
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u/Lioil1 1d ago
I use matchmaking service and asked them same question... the answer is *maybe*. they say that while you are both paying, maybe you have the commonality of "being successful or have cash" but that's the end of it. you still need to meet all the other criteria that both party requires- attraction, hobbies, goals etc. so its not as simple as "they are paying customers they must match well"
I think the only commonalities are successful, looking for ltr or marriage and that's about it.
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u/SchuRows 1d ago
I started dating at 40 as a conventionally attractive high earning woman. Men our age aren’t looking for their equals. They don’t care about earning potential, education or credentials. All they care about is physical attraction. The vast majority of men will have no problem matching and dating someone significantly younger as long as she is attractive and amenable to seeing them.
I matched with men 5-8 years younger than me and none of them got past the chatting phase. They were still in school. Wanted bio kids. Had roommates. I require intellectual connection, it doesn’t matter how objectively hot the guy may be.
I had a friend use a matchmaker. It cost $3k. She went on a few dates but ultimately met someone on bumble.
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u/ConscientiousBee 1d ago
Many guys in their 30's maybe aren't in the same headspace or life phase as you. I expect that a lot of guys will feel intimidated by a beautiful, slightly older, successful woman. Moreso if you're intellectually sharp. As a conventionally attractive 48m, I most definitely am looking for an equal and I'm not explicitly seeking a younger woman. Similar life stage and values would be good though. So we do exist. I wouldn't be tempted to use a matchmaker.
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u/SchuRows 1d ago
I am sure there are men out there that want age appropriate women, it’s a big world and I do see them comment on Reddit. I did not come across them on dating apps. Hundreds of men. I am sure I could probably meet one irl but my profession and kids occupy most of my time. I am content for now. I plan on becoming more social when the kids launch.
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u/ConscientiousBee 1d ago
I guess I'm surprised that there's a lack of decent guys out there to at least show you a nice time. Balancing work and kids (I have two) is definitely challenging. If you happen to randomly find yourself in London, feel free to drop me a message I'd be happy to show you around.
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u/FriendlyCapybara1234 middle aged, like the black plague 1d ago
I think this has been a big issue trying to date as a mid-forties guy—lots of women aren't interested in dating until their kids launch.
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u/softrevolution_ why is my music on the oldies channels? 1d ago
In fairness, I'm not interested in dating men whose kids aren't at least able to cope while their dad goes out with me or even, shock of shocks, spends the night. This may mean I only date fathers of kids 15+, preferably already flown the nest. It is what it is. The kids will always come first for them, it's just easier to adapt to that when the kids in question aren't small, adorably needy, still growing emotionally creatures.
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u/ConscientiousBee 19h ago
Sorry for the slow response, I've been busy shopping, making breakfast waffles for my boys, doing the school run... oh, I see.
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u/ThickPickings 1d ago
So I am a man who paid a matchmaker at age 40. I didn’t go to an exclusive matchmaker. I signed up through Tawkify.
My matchmaker set me up on six dates with curated matches. I think maybe one was a paying member. The rest were people who were sourced from dating apps and free members.
All of the women were professional, successful, mature women as I asked for. So my experience was positive. I didn’t find “the one,” but my matchmaker was wonderful, supportive, and is still like a big sis to me. I would recommend it for successful, selective women.
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u/softrevolution_ why is my music on the oldies channels? 1d ago
...don't threaten me with a good time, she says as she contemplates dipping into savings for this kind of thing. Through Tawkify? How'd you know whether things were legit? Also, are you in a large metro area?
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u/ThickPickings 1d ago
I didn’t know. They used to advertise very aggressively on social platforms. I gave in. I clicked on an ad and talked with the intake group. They vetted my income, made sure I was “the right fit,” etc.
At the time I lived in a large city (around 400K people with a 3-ish million population in the entire metro). So nothing massively huge, but big enough where there were enough people.
I always have to add this disclaimer: I am a black American. I am also 5’6. So I am not necessarily in an ideal physical profile for a lot of women who pay a lot of money for a matchmaker. I knew that going in.
My matchmaker was wonderful. She showed me real love and gave me great feedback. So I think overall it was a positive experience. But I really spent a lot of money.
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u/softrevolution_ why is my music on the oldies channels? 1d ago
Whoof, my area is... considerably smaller than that, and I'm not a woman most men would call a good catch. I work for a nonprofit with all the salary restrictions that entails, I'm not toned with big tits (have no desire to be), and I'm demi, I need love and trust and respect before I consider sex. On the upside, I'm not shallow enough to care about height, and the income bar for me is "self-supporting enough to be able to get to me and to work, and to not be in major debt that isn't student debt".
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u/ThickPickings 1d ago
The location would be a challenge. Your matches could potentially be either far away or people you already know. Neither is ideal I would guess.
Also, from what I gather, men who often pay for matchmakers (not the Uber wealthy ones) are looking for substantial joy, not eye candy as determined by society. You would do fine narrowing for your social and lifestyle preferences.
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u/softrevolution_ why is my music on the oldies channels? 1d ago
I'm tied to this city for work, so if he's a remote worker and willing to move, great? 😄 I don't want uber-wealthy, I want joy too.
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u/Substantial-Ant-4010 divorced man 1d ago
If you are already talking to matchmakers, I would clarify where they are getting their paid and unpaid matches. I would also inquire about the size of the pool for the compatibility points you have. The biggest issue with apps, is they miss out on a large percentage of the dating population.
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u/Short-Hiker 1d ago
My ex went to a matchmaker right after we broke up. He paid $6500 for 10 matches over a two year contract. He told me you could only read profiles; there weren’t any pictures. He told me the men couldn’t see the woman’s income but she could see his. His current girlfriend was his third match.
I didn’t really ask any other questions. I’m sure she has no idea that she’s a rebound. I’d be furious if I were in her position.
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u/Away-Check-265 1d ago
Just because the man might be in the passive pool doesn’t mean that he’s not serious or invested enough. Statistics I’ve seen shows no correlation. A matchmaker works with a limited number of clients at any given time so the chances of 2 current clients being an exact match for each other are indeed low.
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u/Ok-Abalone-8927 1d ago
In my experience, it doesn't seem that many high-quality men rely heavily on matchmaking services or dating apps, so the pool can feel quite limited, especially if you're selective about who you choose to date.
If you're naturally outgoing, you may have better luck meeting people through in-person social gatherings, professional networking events, or other environments where accomplished and like-minded individuals tend to spend their time. Those settings often allow for more organic connections and give you a better sense of a person's character than what an online profile can.
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u/Iwannaurinate 1d ago
Rich guys like women below their own age. Perhaps lower the “equally successful” requirement and open more possibilities
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u/boredtiger2 divorced man 1d ago
I would start with not using Cuz. It makes me wonder about the definition of successful.
I have never heard anything good about matchmakers success rate.. And one of them is a friend.
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u/NewIsTheNewNew 1d ago
Maybe stop reading so much and go where the type of men you want hang out?
Do you golf? Go take some lessons and get out on the green.
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u/rpachigo1 1d ago
Secondhand. Doctors looking for younger women. YMMV. They're too busy for the Apps and outsource their requests to the matchmakers.
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u/HitEmStraight2998 1d ago
Due to my job, I work with a lot of financially successful men who are single…many of them decent looking and have no issues getting dates.
What do I never hear? “I’m looking for a woman who is also financially successful”.
Men and women tend to value different things in prospective partners.