Online dating codes?

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u/Messterio 1d ago

Inviting you over isn’t some secret code, he wants to bang!

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u/OneBigEyeRoll 1d ago

Oh wow I was going to post this exact thing tonight. I am questioning my judgement. How do I know if/ when I can let my guard down?

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u/SkyOfDreamsPilot 1d ago

Inviting you to his place has nothing to do with online dating. He could just have easily done that if you'd met in real life.

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u/samanthasamolala 23h ago

Except…she’d already have met him by then…?

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u/SkyOfDreamsPilot 23h ago

That wouldn't rule out him suggesting their first date be at his place. Men have been looking for hookups long before online dating existed.

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u/samanthasamolala 1h ago

Ok but it’s way creepier if it’s someone she’s never even laid eyes on

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u/Reneegade_Reality 1d ago

I do think the online context is important. Meeting in person changes dynamics. And we're still in the app. Meeting in real life would mean we'd already exchanged numbers.

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u/samanthasamolala 1d ago

What? If he offers his place , he wants to have sex. Your radar is not scanning for high quality connections. Idk what your’e looking for but if it’s not sex and ghosting, stay away from someone who offers his place too soon, and then tries to test for whether you’ll go over there anyway.

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u/Reneegade_Reality 1d ago

Ya, part of it felt like he put out feelers to see what I'd say. If we're just having lunch and getting to know one another, why would it need to be at home vs out.

3

u/BorderAdventurous284 single dad 1d ago edited 1d ago

Yes, it's the same when ladies invited me in with innocent offers of "Let's just watch a movie" or "How about some tea?". That activity rarely lasted 10 minutes. If your date asks you to come over, odds are they don't just hope to show off their vinyl collection or culinary skills. 😉

3

u/modest_static01 1d ago

Moving to text isn't a code, it’s just the standard way to actually schedule a date without dealing with buggy app notifications. If he's already bringing up his place while simultaneously acknowledging it might be too soon, he's just trying to gauge your boundaries to see if you're on the same page. Trust your gut, but don't overanalyze a conversation about logistics.

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u/ANewBeginningNow 1d ago edited 1d ago

I don't like "code", especially since I'm neurodivergent. I don't use "code" either.

If I offer my phone number, it just means that I trust her enough and want to communicate with her outside of the medium we originally met in. It's just an offer, and I wouldn't be offended if she turns me down because she isn't ready. If I offer to have her come over, I make it clear that it's just to hang out in a quieter, more private environment that's most likely less expensive than going out somewhere and might also be more convenient. I have never done more than kissing during an at-home date or hangout and I have no intention of pushing anything, after all, I want to build a connection with a woman.

As always, communication is crucial, so if anything has your radar up, politely ask about it. Sometimes, someone can say something with the best of intentions that still makes the other person uncomfortable, but a good conversation can get both people on the same page.

While not "code", do watch out for someone that wants to hang out in private on a first date (my at-home dates were no earlier than the 2nd, and for all but one, no earlier than the 3rd), someone that wants to have a phone conversation before having at least one substantive chat, or wants to meet you in an area of town that isn't particularly safe. A good person will have your best interests at heart.

1

u/Sensitive-Warthog814 1d ago

This is so me also. Invited a guy over for our third date, thinking we would sit on the balcony and chat and enjoy a nice drink, all of which we did, but he took it for code that I was trying to initiate more. So he began to “initiate more,” which I did like, but I wasn’t trying to get laid that night as it was way too soon for me. So I guess in the future I should wait longer to invite someone over. It feels presumptuous to say “don’t get me wrong, this is for hangout purposes only and not sex.” But also, I am so much more comfortable in a quiet controlled setting, and it is much cheaper for both parties. Idk anymore.

1

u/Reneegade_Reality 1d ago

I appreciate this perspective. I'm not sure he's neurodivergent. The original offer was to pick up lunch for me tomorrow because I'm going in to work to catch up on some things. I know that I have a choice to go out not go, but part of me wonders if it even matters, if his intentions are off to start. I'll try the honest conversation. With hopes it is honest.

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u/wombatd 1d ago

Second this fully (neurodivergent, hence can’t flirt either)

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u/onderwon 1d ago

If I invite you over, it means I like you. Like I'm not a slob, but I would definitely be cleaning up and have an evening planned if I want you to come over. And it doesn't necessarily mean banging.

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u/ZealousidealBird1183 1d ago

Phone v app = usually immaterial IF you’re sure they are a real person. If you’ve not met them yet, stay on app til you have or use Google voice.

His place = sex

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u/AutoModerator 1d ago

Original copy of post by u/Reneegade_Reality:

Are there online dating codes I should know about? Like if he offers his phone number or stays in the app. Or he offers his place as an option, but also mentioned it might be too soon and he didn't offer at first because he thought I might be uncomfortable. I've been hurt, so I worry my radar may be on high alert.

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u/MontEcola 1d ago

You can be cautious if you want. But do not make an assumption, and don't go to his house if you are not comfortable.

I offer my phone number. I have turned off app notifications because they send me annoying garbage all day. I only see a message when I open the app. Same with all other social media.

Picking you up a driving you to a date: Make sure you are comfortable riding in his car.

Inviting him to your house, or going to his house might be code for sex. Keep your boundaries. Best is to speak up about it in advance.

I am M60. I do respect when a woman tells me she does not want to be physical in advance. If she wants to change that I let her tell me when, or let her make a clear indication. Its not hard to see when a woman wants to be kissed, and one who is keeping a bit of distance.

Also remember that a lot of women say No, and then change their minds. Some others say No and expect the man to get a hint that inviting me to her house does mean yes. I have been in this situation and I asked her about it. Later on she said it killed the mood for her when I just did not take her when in her house. Me respecting her boundary was a turn off for her. That was one person. I don't know how often it happens. Just know that lots of women give hints that do not mean the same thing when someone else says the same. Or women give conflicting hints and expect the man to figure it out.

The best way around that is to set your own boundaries. Say what you really want and then respect him too when he gives you what you told him.

I am 65. Maybe younger men are playing different games. You don't need to play along either. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. If he does not respect that it is because he has been successful by not respecting what she says.

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u/r_harpe 1d ago

If he offers his number, he either wants to move off app to sext (and never actually meet), or he's really new to OLD and doesn't know that women with options wouldn't take up that offer. Men who are more experienced daters just wait for the women to offer their number (which I would, after a first date if I'm still interested).
Any guy offering his place as an option for a first date, no matter the reason, has no game. Like, that comment is going to attract desperate unhinged women, and scare off all the good ones. 2nd or 3rd date is fine if you're DTF someone who isn't going to put in much effort.

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