New to dating after 14 years. - r/datingoverforty

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The "kinda broke" part might be a bigger (if not more immediate) obstacle to finding a stable relationship than the "where do I meet women" part.

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u/Singledad1978 2d ago

Yea, I hear that. I’m a single dad supporting a disabled adult child and a 16 year old (their mom died in 2012) my soon to be ex wife and I are working out the bills amicably

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u/choosetobetheproblem 1d ago

Still legally married and broke you are literally why dating over 40 sucks lol. Good luck bro please be clear on the site you aren’t legally single 🤦‍♀️

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u/king_weenus 1d ago

Piss off... Those attributes are definitely obstacles, but that's something between him and the potential women he'd meet.

Dating over 40 sucks for a variety of reasons , but don't blame other people.

Marriage is a legal contract and shouldn't stand in the way of somebody finding a new partner ... Divorce is a huge financial burden if there's no emotions left who cares if a piece of paper says something.

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u/Positive_Passage7518 1d ago

A marriage certificate is much, much more than "a piece of paper."

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u/king_weenus 1d ago

Oh and what is it... A legally binding contract sure. But when you both moved on that's all it is until you can dissolve it through the court system.

It should be as easy to get rid of as it was to get.

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u/Positive_Passage7518 1d ago

Pigs should fly, but they've exceptionally poor wings for it - most well-adjusted, eligible singles don't want to deal with the problems of a legally binding contract they're not a party to, and rightfully so.

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u/king_weenus 1d ago

Then let them decide.... And honestly I don't you know what most people want... You just have an opinion of what you want.

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u/Positive_Passage7518 1d ago

Again, most people (me included) don't want the problems of a legally binding contract they're not a party to - my stating that does, in fact, "let them decide."

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u/Singledad1978 1d ago

I get that I’m still legally married. She moved in with her BF a few months ago. So the marriage is over. We just have to get rid of financial debt and I need her off of my deed and mortgage before we file the paperwork

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u/neverinamillionyr 1d ago

I’ve been in a similar situation. The marriage was over. She was caught cheating then dragged the divorce proceedings out for almost 3 years by filing motions and having her attorney drag her feet. All that time she had a revolving door on the bedroom (figuratively). I tried dating during that period. I was 100% honest about my situation before I went out on a first date. In the end, most didn’t last past a couple of dates because they wanted things to progress and there really wasn’t a good path forward until the ex was completely out of the way.

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u/Low-Ad-4631 20h ago

And this will inevitably surface when you are courting a new partner.. sexy topic it is not

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u/Professional-Fig207 13h ago

You have a ton of stuff happening between the divorce, finances, and kid situations. That’s a lot. I guess it is up to women around you as to whether they want to be involved in the current mess. I would just say, you need to make sure you are up front and honest about all the happenings in your life from the very beginning.
As to where to meet women, if you don’t like apps, you are limited to finding meetup/hobby groups that might let you luck into a single woman.

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u/PurringPickleWeasel 1d ago

Single women typically want single men. Get divorced first.

Yes we've heard the broken record of why your separation is "unique". We still want single men.

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u/MotorNefariousness17 2d ago

I have met great women when I have been financially challenged in life . It doesnt hurt to meet someone for coffee. You never know. I agree the apps suck. The credit system irritates me for some reason. I am going to hear a band tonight alone. I always decide at the last minute. Good luck .

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u/MotorNefariousness17 1d ago

It was a great night .

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u/Singledad1978 2d ago

Well, have fun! I have never gone to a concert alone.

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u/PlayWithMejessy68 2d ago

Find a regular weekend volunteer gig or a hobby group that meets consistently. You meet people by becoming a familiar face instead of trying to sell yourself on a profile.

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u/Singledad1978 2d ago

Yea. I’m going to join a gun club and see if I can meet people there.

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u/king_weenus 1d ago

I don't think you deserve the down votes for that... People hate guns but honestly a gun club is a reasonable Hobby.

Probably not the best place to meet women but you'll probably meet other dudes.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with responsible gun use it's just another tool like a hammer or saw..

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u/Singledad1978 1d ago

Yea. I’m cool with meeting other guys. People to make good friendships with. And who knows, maybe they have sisters or female friends who are single. 😊

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u/king_weenus 1d ago

Good attitude. I keep myself open to meeting anyone and everyone and see where it leads.

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u/gear-heads 2d ago

Checkout Meetup.

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u/Singledad1978 2d ago

I’ll look into it now.

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u/kyp44 1d ago edited 1d ago

My advice, which you are free to take or to leave, is to focus on the divorce and your finances right now and not on dating. If you're looking for a hookup that's one thing (and be up front about that) but I can almost gaurantee you're not in a great position to be in another serious relationship, and your current situation still being married is not going to be attractive to most women. My understanding is that the apps are riddled with still-married men, many just looking to cheat, so that's a big red flag for women.

I waited two years after my official divorce to start dating and I'm so glad I did. During that time I focused on my kids, my house, healing myself, and getting my finances stabilized. I got on the apps and within a month met an incredible woman, who I've been with for over a year now. She wouldn't have even given me a chance if I'd matched with her and was still married, and I probably would have fucked up the relationship if she had because I wasn't emotionally ready. Because of all the shitheads women have to deal with on the apps, a man who has his shit together and who is genuinely looking for a serious partner has a big leg up and tend to find quality women quickly. This is something I've heard generally and found it true in my experience. Whatever you decide to do, best of luck to you!

Edit: I also wanted to add that the vast majority of women you will encounter "in the wild" will be married or otherwise taken. I knew and met lots of women post-divorce through my kids' school and activites, but not a single one of them were available. The big upside of the apps is that by definition everyone on there is single (gross cheating aside).

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u/Singledad1978 1d ago

Thank you, I appreciate your inspire. To be honest, I’m just looking for a friend. Someone to hang out with. Maybe see a movie or chill on the sofa watching tv. Even to go hiking with and talk to. I agree they I am in no way ready for anything serious.

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u/kyp44 1d ago

Just be up front about that with any women you encounter, it wouldn't be fair to them if they are looking for something serious. Again, best of luck!

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u/MetaverseLiz 2d ago

Honestly, the apps are going to be your best bet. They suck, but finding someone out in the wild is near impossible at our age. There just aren't organic opportunities to meet people with minimal baggage at our age.

With the apps, as much as they suck, you can at least screen people before meeting them. For instance, I don't have kids and don't want kids. On the apps I can only interact with other people without kids. You aren't going to find out organically. Most folks our age have kids. Also, as a queer person, it's difficult to find other queer people my age out in the wild.

What I'm saying is that as we age, we tend not to go out very much. People are occupied being parents, dealing with aging family, demanding jobs, etc. We just don't have the time to mingle.

If you absolutely have to meet someone IRL, then pick up a social hobby where you are forced to interact with people in your age group. Making new friends means more opportunity to meet potential new partners.

The people you meet IRL are also on the apps. You can just do both.

I met my partner on Tinder. Even though we are very similar to each other, we would have never met in person. There is a good chance he and I may have even been in the same room somewhere, but we never talked.

It all sucks. My partner and I are not monogamous, and I decided to leave the apps shortly after we started dating like 5 or so years ago. I have not gone on another date since. hahaha I have active social hobbies and it's been crickets. Also, most folks aren't poly so that narrows down my pool quite a bit already, but I don't even get far enough to mention that. My partner has only ever met other people using the apps.

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u/Singledad1978 2d ago

I appreciate you talking to me. I’m into Ham Radio but it’s mostly older guys. Not many young women. lol. I may need to start bowling or something.

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u/ANewBeginningNow 2d ago

You need to keep in mind that it's much more difficult for men than it was for you due to the enormous gender imbalance on the apps. Think of it this way: there are relatively few of you and a ton of the OP. One of the men on Tinder got to date you. What about all of the other men who came away with no one?

I'm not blaming you, but a lot of women have difficulty grasping this concept. If every woman on the apps found one man, started dating him, and went off the apps, there would still be a lot of men left out in the cold. I'm not sure this advice is actionable for the OP unless he is in the upper echelon of men looks-wise (and ideally in terms of charm as well).

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u/MetaverseLiz 2d ago

You'd be surprised. I had 3 dates in 3 years on the apps before I met my partner. I rarely got matches. I was having the experience I hear from most men. I was a childfree queer woman looking for another childfree queer person in their late 30s with some specific other deal breakers. I wasn't going to have a typical experience.

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u/red_army25 2d ago

Welocme! Its awful here!

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u/Singledad1978 2d ago

Yes it is. lol. I never thought I would be dating at 47.

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u/untamed2020 1d ago

I will never understand why men try and drag an innocent woman they want to date through their divorce.

Get divorced and get your life together. Then try dating.

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u/Singledad1978 1d ago

Yea… I’m starting to see that “dating” isn’t going to happen. But maybe finding a friend is all I’m really looking for.

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u/AutoModerator 2d ago

Original copy of post by u/Singledad1978:

I need to find a good way to meet women. I’m not into the bar scene. The apps suck these days and I’m kinda broke. I need ideas please.

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u/SouthernOutside8528 1d ago

volunteer! meet likeminded humans, for nearly free, and you'll feel great about giving back to a cause you care about.

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u/NarwhalRadiant7806 1d ago

Maybe now is not the best time for it… everyone has a story and challenges, but honestly I’d see that as kind of a messy situation (still married+financially entangled and “kinda broke”) and decline to get involved.

That said, I think the best way to meet people in person is to do the things and go places that you enjoy. Good way to meet someone with a similar interest, and if you don’t meet anyone at least you’re doing things that make you happy!

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u/sok283 2d ago

What about the apps sucks for you?

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u/Singledad1978 2d ago

Mainly, I can’t really find anyone who wants to meet. They just want to chat or sext. I’ll ask about meeting for coffee or dinner and I get turned down.

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u/sok283 2d ago

Are you sure the sexters are not bots or scammers?

I'd try speed dating. But I'd also try to work on my profile and conversation game.

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u/LawfulnessSuper5091 2d ago

Agreed, I find they can be very useful but you have to approach them with a level of cynicism and online intelligence.

If young hotties are swiping on you they're probably bots. If you're swiping on... actually, go to hinge, find women who look like they have brain, send them actual engaging messages.

To state the obvious, if you want quality as a man you do most of the chasing.

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u/ANewBeginningNow 2d ago

To state the obvious, if you want quality as a man you do most of the chasing.

If you want QUANTITY, that's true. If you want quality, however, only women that make their share of the effort at initiating conversation and planning dates in the early going are worth it.

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u/LawfulnessSuper5091 1d ago

Nah, not at initiation point. And no I'm not referring to quantity at all, quite the opposite.

But absolutely agree - once the conversation is underway. That's a different stage in the eternally complex game...

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u/Singledad1978 2d ago

They very well could be. I don’t usually stick around to find out.

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u/mean-mommy- mixtapes > Reels 2d ago

Maybe they saw your post history.

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u/Caroline_Bintley 2d ago

You could try speed dating to meet other singles.

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u/Singledad1978 2d ago

Hmm. That could be fun. I’m not sure where to go in my area. I will definitely look into it though

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u/Caroline_Bintley 2d ago

If you live in a major city, Google will probably turn up some events.

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u/Singledad1978 2d ago

I’m near Chicago so possibly

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u/Street_Bus_2466 2d ago

I am a woman who is new to the dating scene. I am looking for the best places to meet quality men. I also prefer to meet in person in real life.

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u/king_weenus 1d ago

If you want to find somebody like-minded, then do things you enjoy and see who else shows up.

The apps work with a good strategy... But it can be very tiring wading through all the hookups, fake profiles, and people that don't respond.

It's almost too bad subreddits like this don't have some sort of meet and greet option.. There's obviously single people here that share one thing in common with you already, that's being opinionated on Reddit. Lol

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This is a place to discuss dating, not to find dates or mates.

Casual Conversation New to dating after 14 years.

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