Being neurodivergent in a cult

[u/somewhatnichee]

I grew up both undiagnosed with autism and in a cult. I believe that this is part of the reason why being in, and attempting to deconstruct from a high control group, was so difficult. Cults have rigid and tight rules that can be difficult for neurodivergence to understand, so even when I was in this "community" that I "belonged" in, I was still the odd one out that was considered the challenge for the rest of the group. Additionally, the group I was very non individualistic, as many cults are, therefore I was expected to conform to the extreme. I already sucked at normal interaction and fitting, so you can imagine how off it was whilst I was in the group. When it comes to leaving and processing that you're in one as well, it was another level of confusion for me. It seems like I'm constantly in a battle between my identity linked to my autism and my identity that was molded by the cult.

Any other neurodivergent cult survivors? What was your experiences like?

[u/gentlethistles]

Fellow autistic cult survivor. They weaponised my special interests and neurodivrrgence to suit themselves. It was extremely difficult to leave and deprogram

[u/Weary_Ambassador1023 → u/gentlethistles]

How did they weponise your special interests?

[u/ohlookthatsme]

I was raised in a high-control religious group. I left when I was 18 and was diagnosed with ADHD last year at 33. It's been hard to wrap my head around. My brother was diagnosed when we were children but no one ever thought to consider the challenges I might be facing. I never could understand why I felt different, why nothing seemed to make any sense. I was always made to feel like I was failing, like I wasn't good enough or trying hard enough, and now I know none of that is true. I've been doing my best to survive, working ten times as hard as anyone should ever have to. It's exhausting.

[u/really__questionmark]

I was undiagnosed with autism while in a cult. I entered the cult around age 20, so I did not grow up in it, but those were formative years. It's been even more difficult in a ways once out of the cult , basically having their beliefs engrained as well as having autism in the "regular" society and churches.

[u/MaryNxhmi]

I found it comforting because at least I knew what was expected of me, in ways that the rest of the world does not make explicit. Like sure, I could absolutely never live up to it and I was still always a step out of sync with most the other members, but I knew I’d be told each Saturday night how I’d fucked up whatever had gone wrong and what I needed to better. (Yes, in hindsight, the advice was insane, but I didn’t see it that way at the time.)

[u/somewhatnichee → u/MaryNxhmi]

I also share a bit of this sentiment. I think the reason I stayed for so long was because atleast I knew what I was doing wrong, even if it was something bizzare.

[u/SaintValkyrie]

I was in a cult that predominantly targetted autistic and neurodivergent women. Unfortunately I seemed to be the oddest of all of them and so slowly i was kept separate. He would even go as far to create false accounts or have actors pretend to be me so i wouldnt be allowed to interact with anyone else and 'taint' them. Im autistic and have DID and adhd. 

I was engaged to the cult leader and the most loyal. And im also the one who took it down myself and stopped it after being deified and tortured once I found out. It made it harder to leave because I knew there was little outside for me, and it was a guaranteed hell. I have been right about that as there has been no tangible support really and ive been failed. And ive been othwred to an insane degree. 

Its hard to relate to others and most people dont want to be my friend because of my differences. 

[u/somberta]

Wow, there are dozens of us! No, for real, thank you for posting. I’m late-diagnosed AuDHD but survived a cult. I’m fortunate my one sibling empathizes with my trauma (though I hate they experienced it, too) but our parents don’t really get how profoundly it hurt us. In my case, I also have PTSD and it’s been so painful and enlightening to discover how much of my trauma is related to the cult.

I work to unmask and do the work of healing my trauma, knowing it’s an ongoing process and most likely will be for the rest of my life, thanks to some asshole adults. It’s been like excavating a bunch of pain to find my inner child and validate her, and at the same time, the betrayal!

Totally agree with the comments describing feeling targeted or having our traits used against us. I was alternately praised and shamed for being my dorky, hyperlexic, “old soul” self as a kid. I am so angry for neurodivergent kids and kids in general who are stuck in cults. Both groups go through enough as it is without having to go through all of that at once. Those people bullied kids.

I hope you all find peace and joy along with healing.💗

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[u/kafstel]

I grew up in one since I was 15. I definitely took rule-breaking much harder as an autistic person. I spent a very long time deconstructing what I even did wrong, and why I was punished. When I was in a relationship in the cult, and my partner would suddenly berate me or become cold when I'd question things. I was prone to assuming it was all my fault, because that's how interactions tended to go outside of it. To this day it's extremely hard to deconstruct. I always think I deconstructed "Inappropriately," or it'd be very easy to see it that way. There are many things in the cult you aren't supposed to acknowledge or speak about, and I spoke about them the entire time. Weirdly enough, I was also like a golden child for some autistic traits. Like being passionate/imaginative/artistic. It made the punishments hit a lot harder, with the "You could've had everything" mentality. After leaving I feel much more shame for my autistic traits than I should.