I feel like it was all pre planned

[u/AJ_the_Kitten]

Ok, some context:

Growing up it felt like we (my system and I) never grasped anything, as if nothing around us made sense on a deeper level. That’s the best way we can explain it. We were often called stubborn and people said they knew we were smarter than that and often felt stupid. When we grew up, we found that part of it was our DID, part of it was our audhd, part of it was our shit education. Finding memories of our cult makes us think that this is all preplanned

We have since moved away from our family and don’t talk to most of them. We live with 2 others and while most of the time, we’re all on the same page and don’t argue/disagree that often, when we do, it makes us feel like a child. Sometimes the smallest things can make us blow up and misunderstanding situations could also make it worse. It’s like anger takes over our entire being. And us not understanding makes us feel like we’re no more than a useless idiot but we don’t want to bring this up.

There are other times where because of trauma, we just feel like a robot. We just go through the motions. It was a coping mechanism when we were in our abusive household, but now we just… do that. Get up, go through the motions, and suddenly the entire day is gone. We may be able to tell you what happened throughout the day, but in a robotic way.

All of these things (feeling too stupid to understand daily concepts, our emotions getting the better of us all the time, feeling like a robot) affects our ability to interact with the world around us. We feel like we have no idea how to be a human. Our neurodivergence was never acknowledged and they our family never taught us basic concepts because they’re always “too busy” and told us that they tried to show us when we were younger but we wanted nothing to do with it but none of this is true. They didn’t try to teach us anything and if they did, they gave up. We feel doomed. We are a 22 year old with no idea how to survive in the world around us. It’s like all the basic building blocks of life just… were not given to us and we have no tools.

Education was also damn near impossible. It truly felt like we only passed because the teachers wanted nothing to do with us anymore. We truly learned nothing at school and because of the burnout and everything above, we dropped out of our forced attempt at college (we didn’t want to go to college, they made us). As a result, we only work basic jobs.

All of this together makes living impossible. We wonder if they did this so that we would just stay in the cult/abusive house until we either fully become their robot/doll or give up and end everything. We know that when we left, they seemed so upset but while we were there, they never seemed to want us around at all unless it was to be whatever they may want/need.

I’m sorry about the rant, but this has been churning in our mind for a few months now and we needed to get it out. Thank you if you did read this!

[u/rikstng1]

I have been there and done that back in the 70s at this point in time I’m 65 and it was truly brainwashing. It’s even difficult at this time when things happen to cause you to flashback. I just keep opening my eyes every morning and do what I feel.

[u/AJ_the_Kitten → u/rikstng1]

Exactly