r/cscareerquestions • u/Ecstatic_Bonus8828 • 10h ago
Should I avoid this situation? How to?
Hi everyone.
I work remotely for a company for 5 months now and they will go on a team building trip this summer where we will be together every day for a week.
I am an introvert, absolutely need my personal space and all my coworkers are 10+ years older than me, will probably be drinking and I have absolutely no interest in taking part in this. I have other plans for my free time and I am trying to avoid it.
Any tips on if i should/ how to decline this? i tried telling them that I can't but they always try to find a workaround.
Thank you!
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u/Error401 principal @ frontier lab 10h ago
You should go, don’t be a weirdo. I’m remote and much of my best work happens after a few days in person with the team.
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u/Ecstatic_Bonus8828 10h ago
Noone is weird for not wanting to be obliged to go on a whole trip where there is zero personal space and activities that don't interest me.
I have nothing against meeting my team, going out for a dinner or co-working. I just don't want to interact only with them for a week.
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u/CSMATHENGR Software Engineer - 5YOE 9h ago
you should save as much money as you can because you aren’t going to last very long
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u/Ecstatic_Bonus8828 9h ago
Honestly, so be it. I am not going to model my entire life after someone else's schedule:) Nor is everyone cut out for corporate, I certainly am not
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u/Celcius_87 9h ago
I don’t know why people are downvoting OP. Companies wouldn’t be able to keep doing this if we stopped tolerating it.
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u/okayifimust 8h ago
OP is being downvoted because not everyone is an anti-social snowflake.
Humans are social animals, and nothing is going to change that. OP is not going to get fired over this, but if they refuse to show up and build rapport and connect with the people they work with, that lack of a personal connection will make a difference.
That is not capitalism or companies abusing people, it is a function of human nature. People are simply more likely to do you a favor here or there if that personal connection exists; and the effects of that will accumulate.
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u/Ecstatic_Bonus8828 8h ago
It is my right to socialise with people of my choice. I have friends outside work and socialise with people i want to socialise with. I am always kind to my coworkes and have no issue meeting them once in a while, I don't understand why everyone is so pressed that I value my time and don't want to spend a whole week isolated with my coworkers. To me professional relationships shouldn't be mixed with personal life, a company is not a family, it is a workplace.
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u/vbullinger 8h ago
Nobody said you’re not allowed, just that it’s a bad idea to disconnect from everyone and us warning you of the consequences. And it’s hard for us to come up with advice on how you should do something we think is a bad idea. Our advice is: don’t do that
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u/okayifimust 8h ago
It is my right to socialise with people of my choice.
Nobody said otherwise.
I have friends outside work and socialise with people i want to socialise with. I am always kind to my coworkes and have no issue meeting them once in a while
Nobody said otherwise.
I don't understand why everyone is so pressed that I value my time and don't want to spend a whole week isolated with my coworkers.
Stop being dramatic. Unless you're being abandoned on a remote island, that is not what is going to happen.
And that's why you're not being taken seriously, and why you're in this mess: You keep making up excuses, and people keep telling you that you're wrong, just like your coworkers and bosses are looking for accommodations because of that.
If your problem was that you didn't want to be isolated, it would be perfectly reasonable to either tell you that that wasn't the case, or relocate the team building to a slightly more populated island.
You're just upset because "isolation" was never the problem. It's an excuse that you're now stuck with.
To me professional relationships shouldn't be mixed with personal life,
And again, it doesn't matter how many ways you try to dress up "I just don't want to go". It's a work trip. It is not your personal life. The two can be entirely separate.
You're not being asked to invite your coworkers on your vacation, or to your birthday party, or the family BBQ. You're not expected to let them into your home. Those would all qualify for "mixing your personal life with work".
a company is not a family, it is a workplace.
You are the one who cannot tell the difference between work and personal life here.
Yes, you're asked to give up some time. And you can refuse to do that, you just need to communicate that, and not a dozen other things. And the result will be roughly the same as someone who refuses to work a little bit of overtime here and there: They likely have no legal right to force you, but you have absolutely no right to expect nobody to notice.
I don't care how you feel about any of that, and I don't care what you decide to do. You make a choice, and you live with the consequences.
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u/Kingmudsy 8h ago
You two are talking separate languages. I can’t account for the deluge of downvotes, but I think they’re correct that in-person interaction and rapport building could make a big difference in your career
I don’t think you have a moral imperative to go, but in the big ‘26 when everyone is scared for their jobs I think the attitude on this sub has shifted towards sucking it up to try and hold on a little longer
You do you, but people will definitely notice your attempts to duck the socialization. As long as you’re okay with the cost you’re accruing, go for it - You sound like you don’t want to be in a corporate environment anyway, so maybe you genuinely don’t mind!
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u/funkbass796 7h ago
Paying you to do something other than your job but you may have to get to know someone
Anti-social shut-ins: “They can’t keep getting away with this!”
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u/dell_arness2 8h ago
Sounds like you’ve already made up your mind, and are looking for validation, not advice.
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u/StrangelyBrown 6h ago
Noone is weird for not wanting to be obliged to go
It's a work trip. It's not about what you want. If work lives were about what people wanted, a great many of us would choose not to work at all.
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u/Shallow86 9h ago edited 5h ago
Are you female by chance? Most here are dudes likely in their 20-30s who like free food and parties and trips, they will not understand. You don’t have to go if you are not comfortable, totally understandable. Cite health issues or prior personal commitments or family emergency. But also be prepared to change jobs because this is kind of expected in remote companies nowadays. If you do not enjoy offsite team building or business trips try to find job in office (and not customer facing) - those are much less likely there.
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u/Ecstatic_Bonus8828 8h ago
Yes I am:) Thank you so much for acknowledging this, i support everyone's right to socialise however much they want, it is just that some extroverts, especially men as you mentioned, have a problem with forcing their lifestyle on everyone else and then call you a "snowflake" if you choose to not participate:)
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u/okayifimust 8h ago
Any tips on if i should/ how to decline this? i tried telling them that I can't but they always try to find a workaround.
Your chance to decline was before you started bringing up excuses and making them jump through hoops to accommodate you.
. I have other plans for my free time
Do you? I assume you have stated that, or was that another excuse, and you didn't have plans, or they offered to reschedule just for you?
I am an introvert, absolutely need my personal space and all my coworkers are 10+ years older than me, will probably be drinking and I have absolutely no interest in taking part in this.
Grow up.
You don't want to do a thing? Grow up and actually say that; and then live with the consequences. Humans are still a social species, and excluding yourself from all social aspects of your employment will harm your career one way or another.
I am an introvert, absolutely need my personal space
Do you have any reason to believe that you won't get your personal space? What, are you going camping?
and all my coworkers are 10+ years older than me,
So?
will probably be drinking
So?
I have absolutely no interest in taking part in this.
Grow up. Say so, or suck it up. Stop playing games.
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u/migoden 9h ago
Go do your job
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u/Ecstatic_Bonus8828 8h ago
I actually am, this is not a business trip for a job, it is a team building thing, noone is going to work there:)
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u/-Quiche- Software Engineer 8h ago
If you can endure then I'd say go, you know what they say about "To have a village you need to be a villager". Of course they say that mainly about friends and support systems but works exactly the same with jobs, careers, and networking. You sometimes need to do the uncomfortable thing if you want to hedge your bets in this dog eat dog world.
In the perfect world you could just do your job, be good at it, and that would be enough to get promoted and not be ostracized or fired but we're imperfect people in an imperfect world and so things like this is just how the world works. People are social creatures and being liked by the right person can make all the difference, and sometimes all that takes is just being in proximity and interactivity with them.
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u/midKnightBrown59 8h ago
You don't seem to want your job. My suggestion is to quit. I suggest working with a qualified therapist as well, as this is an expectation in many jobs and fields.
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u/imamonkeyface 8h ago
What do you mean by “I have other plans for my free time”? Is this not during the work week?
FYI, every team building trip I’ve ever been on, has some down time built in. They’re not going to have every minute of every day scheduled. You’re also not the only one who wants down time. Nobody wants to be sunup to sundown with their coworkers for a week. It’s being “on” all the time and it’s exhausting. So there will be breaks. A bit about the drinking - they likely won’t all be drunk, it’s likely a beer or two at dinner. It’s still a work event and people are still trying to be professional.
IMHO, you should go. It’s sounds like you’re young in your career. There is a lot of value that comes from socializing with work mates like this. It builds up relationships so that you’re more comfortable with your coworkers, and that leaves people more comfortable reaching out for help or asking questions, which leads to less mistakes on the job. At my company’s last offsite, I was able to share some knowledge with another team in my org that saved them months of work, just because that project came up in conversation and I had used some of those tools before and knew they didn’t have to build a thing from scratch themselves.
Absolute worst case scenario - it’s exactly how bad you think it’s gonna be (which I believe is unlikely) - it’s a week of suffering but you’ll get through it, and you can confidently decline next year.
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u/bobotheboinger 7h ago
I've gone on many company team building activities. And I'm an introvert. I'm okay socializing a bit, but my battery runs down fast. I've also been to sales conferences with the sales teams... completely different crowd from the engineers.
But at all of them, if I just said I don't want to drink, no one pushed anything or batted an eye. If I said i was tired and just wanted to relax in my room, no one cared (well sometimes the sales guys tried to get me to stay, but it was easy to say no).
In all cases going was much better for my career and team cohesion than staying at home. My suggestion is to go and just set your boundaries early. Don't be afraid to say what you can and can't do, what you want and what you don't. Go but feel free to set your own schedule outside of the required/ scheduled activities. Go and read, watch a movie, whatever during down time. I doubt very much anyone will judge you for it.
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u/Glittering-Work2190 7h ago
Do something uncomfortable once a while. I'm also an introvert, but got more comfortable over the years. I wish I were much more extroverted. I'd probably be much more successful.
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u/CapableHerring 6h ago edited 6h ago
To directly answer your last question, just be honest. Making up excuses doesn't work as you've found out, the company is just going to find a way to solve those excuses. It wouldn't be farfetched for them to change the dates completely just so that you can go. Honestly, they'd be kinda toxic if they didn't try to find a workaround. They want to include you, and when you're BSing them, they don't know what you don't want to be included.
Talk to your boss. "I have cripping social anxiety and would prefer not to go on this team building trip." Do not give them a problem that can be solved, speak what you're actually thinking.
If that's a problem for them (and it very well might be)? So be it. Sounds like you've made up your mind already that you'd rather quit corporate life entirely before going on a team building trip. Go find another job, one that doesn't do team building activities. Not all companies do stuff like that. Ask about it in the reverse interview process.
I have other plans for my free time
To circle back though... you're getting paid for this, no? Then it isn't your free time. It's work. I get that you won't be being productive and writing code, and will just be doing team building stuff, but you're still getting paid, so it's "work". They're not asking you to give up your free time to do team building, they're asking you to temporarily fill your normal work days with team building stuff.
It also sounds like you haven't been on a team building trip before... cause what you're saying here isn't how those things work. You aren't "isolated" with this group of people, you aren't forced to be around them 24/7 for a whole week. Generally you still do an 8 hour "work" day where you do your activities. Usually it's less than 8 hours, 8 hours of team building is a little much. You'll do a little bit of team BS in the morning, get a 2 hour lunch, some more team BS in the afternoon, call it quits early around 3 or 4, then usually there's an optional dinner. Anything that comes after dinner also tends to be optional. Sometimes co-workers will go out and grab a drink, but never in my life have I been forced to do something outside of the normal work day. Even lunch isn't mandatory, sometimes we've gone our separate ways and were told to meet back up in 2 hours.
I'm very introverted/socially anxious myself, and I don't think they're that bad. I actually like them because in the evenings I get to explore a new city, hang out by myself, go see things I want to see, do things I want to do. I rarely do things with co-workers once the normal work day I'm getting paid for is over.
I'd honestly recommend keeping an open mind and giving it a shot. Otherwise you're going to be carrying this imagined nightmare with you your whole career, when in reality it's nothing like what you're describing. If you hate it? Well, you tried, draw a hard line next time. If it's not so bad? You just saved yourself a lot of trouble in the future.
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u/Alex24d Software Engineer 9h ago edited 6h ago
I’m in a similar boat — 2x 1week-long remote offsites per year which I absolutely loathe.
Honestly, these offsites are pain in the ass but they do help with building rapport in a remote team & making people remember your face. Will help with promotions and keeping your job in general.
I would advise joining the first offsite or two. If you absolutely can’t stand being away for so long — come up with an excuse to cut it short (partner’s birthday, wedding, parents visiting, etc), but still make an effort to show up and meet everyone.
After a couple of offsites once you know everyone you can start coming up with excuses to skip the offsites, see how other people in the company do it without damaging their reputation. But end of the day it still helps to show up every now and again, even if only for a shorter time.
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u/CarpetNibbler 9h ago
Two weeks is a little extreme. You at least flew home for the weekend in between right?
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u/Alex24d Software Engineer 8h ago
It’s 1 week offsites twice a year, should have worded it better. But yes it’s quite ridiculous, given we are required to travel on Sunday & Saturday and some people have 13-15hr travel time 🥲
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u/CarpetNibbler 2h ago
Where in the world are people coming from that they have 13 hour travel days? Is your HQ not near a major airport? At some point you can’t complain about travel time if you live in Bumfuck Egypt.
That’s the way I see it, but I work in consulting, so some travel is part of the gig. Since I assume that you work from home the rest of the year, I don’t think that sounds so bad anyway.
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u/Impressive_Till_7549 7h ago
Just ask whoever is planning it to provide enough downtime. And don't drink if you don't want to. Not that hard.
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u/deantoadblatt1 7h ago
Introversion is a lame excuse. No matter how exhausting social interaction is, we all still need it, and get super fuckin weird without it. Just go, it’s not gonna kill you, and idk why you wouldn’t want as stable a job as possible in this economy anyway.
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u/D1rtyH1ppy 6h ago
Who has a full week of time off from the spouse and kids to go hang out with your coworkers? That seems a bit much
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u/Celcius_87 9h ago
Does your job description say that any travel is required?
I’m in a similar situation but have a fear of flying so I mentioned that to my boss. If they still ask me to go then my job description literally says “no travel required” so I’ll mention that.
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u/Ecstatic_Bonus8828 8h ago
the thing is this is not a business trip, it is a team building thing. No work will be done there
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u/okayifimust 6h ago
You have repeated this multiple times, so I'm going to pile on:
It. Is. Work.
It is a work trip, not a vacation.
Team building is work.
Just because you're not sitting at your desk and performing your usual tasks doesn't magically transform that trip into a private activity. It is work. You can't get shit faced, you can't hit on the people that travel with you, and you can't dress in whatever way would be generally thought of as "inappropriately". (Well, it is still your legal right to do all of these things, since that distinction seems to matter to you so much, but exercising your rights might well lead to intermediate determination. For some employers more so than others ...)
It absolutely is a business trip, by any definition of the word that matters. What else could this possibly be classified at?
The conflation between buisness and private life here exists only in your head; and failure to correct that misconception will do you no good, one way or another.
If you were to end up going, do not treat it as anything but the work event that it is, no matter what activities, social outings or other things are om the agenda.
The one, tiny thing that you actuality do get to worry about is that you're expected to sacrifice a few hours of your personal time. And that doesn't mean you're sacrificing 24 hours each and every day - because you still get to sleep and wind down and spend time alone.
And, yes, it means you won't be able to do all of the same things you would normally chose to do in the place where you live, on account of being somewhere else.
And if you have stuff that has to happen absolutely every week, and that absolutely cannot be skipped or rescheduled, then THAT is the sort of thing you should have brought up immediately. Having to hang out with your friends some other time is actually not some incredibly tragic hardship, though. Complaining about that is what leads to comments about you being a snowflake, or dramatic.
And for most people, most things can be skipped once in a while; and you can even schedule in alternatives on site for some of them. (Like an adult, remember? You can go to he gym in the hotel, find somewhere to go for a run, or see if there is a local church or temple that will have you, whatever. And those are the kind of things that make for excellent excuses if you need to be away from your colleagues a little longer. too.)
It is work. It is important to socialize with your colleagues. None of that means that you have to give up being your own person.
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u/Shallow86 4h ago edited 1h ago
A lot of “adults” have family responsibilities they can’t and should not be expected to just drop to hang out with work buddies for a week. OP is not against socializing, but rather activities in/around office and within reasonable hours, not be away for 24/7 in another city or even country. That’s what we are paid for. This is kind of business trip, potentially international - a lot of companies and roles do not require them - and OP should just find a job that doesn’t involve business travel.
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u/uschwell 9h ago
I can empathize. As someone who also needs my 'recharge' time it can be rough.
But I have made that mistake before. Yes it's rough, but these "team building" things (unfortunately) matter, it's a chance to build those relationships among coworkers that (again, unfortunately) tend to matter waaay more than the work.
Bring a good book, have a good game on your phone. You'll be able to make an excuse and get away for a few minutes. Take 20min to recharge and tell them you had an important phone call.
Yes it can be rough. No it's not fair that they are taking away some of your precious free time, but as someone who recently needed to change companies because I "didn't play the game" and thus soft-locked myself out of career progression- find a coping mechanism, this is something that (for now) just needs to be dealt with.
You never know, it might even be a little fun- turns out me and my current CTO bonded over a love of warhammer and old military stories.
Tldr: it sucks. But this is one of those things that (for now) is often needed to progress in your career. Tough it out. When/if you ever become a policy-maker, that's when you can help end this pointless corporate schmoozing