r/cisparenttranskid • u/Most_Decision_282 • 3h ago
adult child Child just came out as trans. I am genuinely supportive but struggling in private
My 21yo just came out as trans, less than 48 hours ago. My spouse and I were blindsided as she (mtf) has never once expressed any hint of dissatisfaction with her birth gender or a wish to wear feminine clothing or use makeup, has always been genuinely happy and well adjusted with no sign of internal turmoil. She is very close to us and I feel like we would have had some inkling if she wasn't happy under the surface. We are staunch supporters of LGBTQ+ rights and have always welcomed and supported her queer friends.
I feel good about the way we handled it in the moment, with big hugs, thanking her for telling us and reassurance that we love her unconditionally and nothing will ever change that. We have tried hard to use her new name and asked for her patience when we inevitably slip up at first. We asked questions sensitively and shared that, while we'll need some time to process our own feelings, we are here for her unequivocally. She brought up HRT and we asked to discuss that further together because there are hereditary medical conditions that may come into play, and her health is our biggest priority. She agreed to that.
Inside, though, I'm struggling hard with a sense of loss and grief. I can't sleep and can barely eat. I have a hard time focusing on work and I cry off and on. I feel a lump in my throat and in the pit of my stomach. Seeing childhood pictures or recent pictures of her hurts. So far she looks the same way she always has, wearing the same clothes, same hair, no makeup, not even shaving for a day or two in a row, but I know that will change and to be honest the thought of physical transformation has me really, really unsettled. We have lots of friends and family who will most likely be supportive, but some I'm unsure about (to be clear, our child comes first and any unsupportive friends/family won't be in our lives).
I'm looking into local parent and family support groups and although I have a therapist, also looking into a therapist who specializes in gender. My spouse and I will see this therapist together. Is there ever any point at which it is appropriate to involve our child as well?
Parents who have been there - kids who have been there on the other side of this - please share your words of wisdom, reassurance, advice and recommendations. I know it's going to be okay. But I don't feel okay right now.
9
u/loadnurmom 3h ago
Grief is normal in this situation.
My child is the third family member to come out as trans. I am absolutely supportive and doing my best to get them the care they need.
I can also say that my child coming out hit harder than the others. I know what's coming for them. It's a hard road particularly in the current political climate of the US. When my (mtf) sister's eldest child also came out as trans (ftm) even she admitted that it was harder than she thought. She expressed regret at how hard she was on other family members struggling with the transition.
For any person you know that comes out, there is a sense of loss for the person we thought we knew. It takes some time to adjust to the new normal.
Absolutely get yourself a therapist as well. Someone specializing in trans therapy or even super specialized in therapy for family of transgender individuals. They will help you process your feelings in a productive way.
2
9
u/ottomymind 2h ago
Our daughter figured out that’s who she is while away at college. She’s been on HRT for 14 months now. She’s never been happier. We didn’t see any feminine leanings in her as a kid, but she always had a hard time being happy. Now that she’s becoming herself there’s this part of me that wishes we all knew so much earlier (pre-puberty intervention would have prevented some challenges from having male traits), but hey we can only move ahead. So she’s a 6’ tall girl, so what.
As for grieving, parents envision what their kid will grow up to be like but they’re their own person and we can’t always map it out to match our dreams for them. I don’t think I’ve grieved the loss of the kid we had, because she’s the exact same person in a different wrapping paper is all, only HAPPIER. We still have her kid pics around the house and we don’t look at them an think anything other than the memories of those moments.
She’s 24, got a loving boyfriend now. Landed a good job. Accepted at work. Took a self-defense class and wants to take some more so she can keep herself safe. Raiding mom’s closet and makeup stash. Usual kid stuff.
My biggest issue is being worried for her, how she feels, how she fits in, and threats against her very right to exist. My hope is that the world can change back from its current backward state.
Give yourself time. As your kid finds herself you’ll see blossoming and a big difference in so many ways you’d never imagine.
2
u/Most_Decision_282 2h ago
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement and sharing your story. It helps to hear about your perspective and your positive experience. Maybe part of my struggle is that our kiddo never had a hard time being happy at all - truly gave off a vibe of being content and at peace.
2
u/ottomymind 2h ago
If your kid has been happy, content, at peace then all the better foundation for self-actualization!
5
u/Pattystr 3h ago
Sending you all kinds of love. I was where you are five years ago. I’m truly just here to tell you that as you suspect, time is a factor here. I no longer grieve the child I had before. Everyone says this, but it takes some time to believe it for yourself: your child is exactly the same person, just happier and more authentic. Sending love and peace as you adjust! 🏳️⚧️💖
3
2
6
u/Ok-Scale-6575 2h ago
It’s so new for you. Give a read to this post again in a month and you’ll be viewing it more emotionally settled. It’s a massive thing. With a new name, it might feel like you lost who they were and are getting to know who they are. It’s a lot for a parent to process. You’re doing great! Keep it up!
2
u/Extreme-Pirate1903 1h ago edited 1h ago
My 19 yo came out at mtf trans last year. We are progressive, supportive, LGBTQ allies and all that.
Yes, I was unhappy and grieved. It wasn’t even a gender thing as much as an image I had in my head that changed. It doesn’t make me a bad person. I had to go through the stages of grief. My therapist helped, but honestly time helped more.
I’m completely in the acceptance phase. Spouse is in acceptance, but would be thrilled if our daughter suddenly announced she changed her mind. As far as our daughter knows, we’ve always been completely on board and totally happy for her.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with private struggles. Our oldest has ADHD, OCD and dyslexia. If I look back on it, I had the same feelings of grief and need for acceptance that they wouldn’t be going to college, at least not traditionally. I’ve come to realize it’s not exactly a gender thing but a worldview shift in who we thought our children were and where they were going. And of course we worry for for the struggles we fear they will go through.
All that to say I think being sad is actually totally fine and not an indication that you are bad person or transphobic. It just takes a bit of time.
Edit to say I looked at other comments after writing this. I am a bit of a science enthusiast. My sister-in-law mentioned off hand that my daughter is the 4th mtf trans person on their side of the family, and that there is a genetic component. The oldest one in the family is retirement age. It actually helped me also calm down and see that this is just life happening the way it is supposed to.
1
u/lurking-for-advice 3h ago
Very similar situation here on all points! It’s hard as well because my kid isn’t ready to tell anyone yet besides myself and their dad. I can only practice their pronouns in my head and haven’t been able yo talk about it with anyone. So far there is nothing that has changed, their name is the same and they don’t really care about pronouns. But they have expressed that they want to try blockers or estrogen and I am thinking once they start to see more feminine features they will want to explore their feminine side more. They seem relatively happy but I feel like a lot of what I have chalked up to regular teenage hormones has stemmed from dysmorphia during puberty. (They are 15 now) Looking back I feel like there have been a few signs…..so many times I have described them as “just not a typical boy” since they were a toddler! Hugs to you, you are amazing for supporting your kid
2
u/Most_Decision_282 3h ago
Mine said she has come out to her friends over the past year (who were cool with it) but beyond her dad and I hasn't told anyone else and there are some family members she doesn't plan to tell for a while. She was a relatively easy tween/teen...normal moodiness but nothing extreme...and a very typical boy. The idea that she might be questioning her gender truly never even crossed my mind.
1
9
u/RedErin Trans Woman / Femme 3h ago
yeah a gender therapist for her would be great. also, seeing their php and discussing w them would also be productive, the American Medical Association is supportive of trans people. They will usually refer you to an endocrinologist.
Here’s the best online summary of what it means to be trans https://genderdysphoria.fyi/en