r/cisparenttranskid • u/commacour • 1d ago
I haven’t come out and I need advice
Hello everyone!
For context, I am a 20 year old who identifies as NB but is also exploring the FtM label as well. I’m seven weeks on testosterone. I am now a junior in college, and I will be moving into my first apartment away from my parents full-time. I’m currently home for summer until I move into the apartment in about three months.
I think I first noticed something was wrong when I was seven years old. This is when adults begin to really start to enforce traditional gender roles on their children and my mom was absolutely no different. If anything, she constantly begged me to just be a girl and act like one. I started feeling like I wasn’t what a girl was supposed to be. I told my parents I wanted to be a boy multiple times. But they just reassured me that I was a little girl and I had to do little girl things. Fast forward to when I first got internet access when I was 11, I start looking up am I gay and am I trans quizzes. I came to the conclusion I was probably a trans man and also liked girls after countless hours of research. I started to drift. I became depressed and lonely and anxious, I locked myself up in my room everyday just doomscrolling on social media. I hated my school. I hated my family. I hated living in a body I hated. They started to notice I was off, and wouldnt stop asking me. One day when I was 12, I told them I was a transgender man. They reacted horribly. They threw me in therapy telling me it was a phase and that Id get over it. I remember my mom telling me a story of a friend she had in a high school who dressed like a boy, but she was still a girl. She told me I was confused and a tomboy. I got scared and began to deny everything. I told them I didn’t know what I was thinking and that I was confused. Later that year, they found out I was a lesbian and it genuinely took them SEVEN years to begin accepting me after my suicide attempt at 18. I guess they realized they needed to support me if they wanted me to live. It was harder for my mom than my dad. I didn’t realize I was gender non-conforming until after moving out after graduation when my dysphoria became glaringly obvious now that I had no reason to repress it.
I guess where I’m going with this is that I really don’t know how they would react to me being trans. I’m debating telling them I’m just FTM bc of how horribly they’re talked about nonbinary people. Now, I am not going to tell them until the end of the summer right before I move out for safety reasons, but I have no idea what to do. I am paralyzed in fear even thinking of saying the words to them. Any advice from parents or other trans adults would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you all so much.
2
u/oneofmanyJenns 1d ago
Do you have a trusted adult you can talk to? You don't owe your parents an explanation after the way they have behaved in the past. My child came out at 10 yo and not once did we say it was a phase. They announced their new name and pronouns. Any processing I needed to do happened when they weren't around. They even asked if I was sad I no longer had a girl (they were our only child that was born female). I was heartbroken they even felt that we might be a little disappointed. I was proud of our kid for trusting us enough to tell us their feelings.
If you do want your parents to know, I would suggest waiting until you are out of the house so that you have a safe place to go. Don't let them tell you that you are wrong, just state the facts and give them resources like PFLAG to do their own research when they are ready.